nya i'm so lazy...

let's see. recently, i went to the lights pageant in the big city. was pretty cool. nothing too spectacular but it was still pretty lol. the guy was all right, not too handsome, but mature enough to be decent to be around haha. plus i managed to get my kyuudou wear for a little bit cheaper than i thought it would be. plus, free tabi socks haha. also found a cool place that has lots of clothes stores, and even a lolita-looking store, although it's not what i need...>_< what i need being, leggings or longer (nice) skirts for work...haaa...

today, i was pretty happy that i found the two lolita dresses, and for so cheap too! i'm surprised and glad i looked up for once...i wonder how long they've been there lol. they need a little bit of altering, but i bought a few stuff for that, although it'd be useful to have a sewing machine.. >_< tho its not like i could run it here anyways...too loud..x_x i'll just have to do my best hand-doing it...

other stuff i've been wanting to get include stuff for embroidery (as i wanted to embroider something for my kyuudou teacher). also a plate...still, and a bigger bowl, still :P possible a strainer? and def a paper towel dispenser of some sort...but i guess that'll have to be done tomorrow. well, it'll get me out at least :) plus i really need those leggings and longer skirts..x_x but there doesn't seem to be much within my price range here..and finding clothes that fit is damn near impossible..so i guess i just have to go with leggings..haa...maybe the family fashion won't be being worked on like it was today...x_x

the extension for the contract has kinda gotten rolling, at least the email was sent anyways...just gotta try not to get too bundled up yet...and to remember what happens happens i guess...

would be great if you could visit, j-chan! but if not, i understand too...still it'd be fun lol.

ran out of anime and drama's are hard to find these days...haa...wish i was the type of person who could coup themselves up for days on end and be fine...lol..since i dont like going out into the cold :P

anyways, that's about it. nice a sweet, huh? lol. better than nothing tho haha...

ja.

The day after.....christmas lol

Let's see, not really much to tell, but I'll recap what I can.

Classes ended Tuesday and I woke up relatively early to head to the big city with n-chan. Unfortunately, it was raining And windy, oh And cold, so that trip was only so fun...i think i kinda damaged my umbrella, though judging by the looks of all the broken ones i'm glad my only suffered a little. on a small side-track, that got me to thinking about how easily, perhaps subconciously most of the time, we become attached to our stuff. Might just be me though..haha...

Anyways, I managed to avoid buying a lot of "stuff" though I was hella tempted. For instance, I saw some cute costumes, and some cute keychains, but seriously? i didn't need them, so i was able to stop myself haha. (which is good, 'cause i've ended up spending hells of money already..) We also didn't end up going to the kyuudou store after all, as i realized we'd have to go by subway, and let's face it: i'm pretty chicken when it comes to public transportation..x_x the whole getting lost thing or missing my stop still freaks me out even if it wouldn't really be a huge deal...heeeh

In any case, we did check out a lot of the department stores, and the only thing I did spend my money on, besides the bus tickets, was bread. And I have to say, it was a pretty tasty purchase haha. I kind of ended up with a headache later on though, but was able to sleep it off. I was just glad that the migraine didn't make me vomit this time haha.....

We also didn't end up going to the bar, later that evening, like n-chan had wanted, which made me ask (other) j-chan if he wanted to go to dinner...but alas that didn't work out. (btw, trying to get together was like nearly impossible haha, though i'm also incredibly impatient lol.)

went to karaoke alone on thursday, major lame i know haha. but anyways, somehow, i managed to trick myself into pampering/pitying myself by letting myself (jeez too many myselfs, talk about selfish :P) down a pizza, pasta, and an ice cream...(wish i didn't have to Down i though, it was quite tasty, but i can see why breaks for others to sing are needed... >_< of course i didn't htink about it, so not only did i spend a lot, i ate way too much food, and just felt like a pig...whoot for being human...(or american?) XP) kya~!...and that, my friends is when karaoke gets expensive lol. at least now i have the somewhat confidence to order myself on the phone (and apparently w-kun and n-chan managed to too haha), duno why we made such a big deal lol. plus, i found out that "rezabe-shon" is not a word in the Japanese language i guess haha....they must think i'm such an idiot lol...

Let's see, xmas eve was fun. cake, a drink or two, and home-made chilli, which proud to say, i did make myself, though i was really glad that n-chan decided to help. Anyways, we watched the music show, made our commentary and soon fell asleep around 1 i think? maybe...haha.

Moving on, yesterday, xmas was fun too. Although riding around in the snow is tough work! almost as much as riding around in the strong wind haha. But i managed to get everything done, after a phone call to j-chan lol about the difference between white wine and cooking wine lol, luckily the white wine was cheaper and less of and the better choice- talk about crazy luck! (tho i still have some of that left over..x_x)

Kinda feel a bit bad about not eating his food, though we did drink his coke haha. And i did ask for half of his roll cake...heh. Cake...lol. :3 We made cheese fondue and bread and the cream of potato soup (tho it was less creamy and seasoned this time..heh..shoulda let it cook longer but i always worry when the ppl i'm cooking for get hungry heh) and it was okay, though not quite as a hit as the chilli was for n-chan haha. Plus J-chan kept talking about how he sucked at cutting lol. I realized i never really think about how to cut food, i just do lol, so directing ppl kinda feels silly for me lol. On a side note, the cake was pretty delicious (and cute) lol, though I've now eaten 2 of the same kind in a row heeeh...i'm stacking on the pounds...gak...def gonna have to ride them off...or something x_x

Anyways, we watched two movies, 300 and Anchorman, neither of which I particarly liked, but ah well. I can now see I've seen them lol...if that can indeed be considered any kind of tick in my record post haha. So he went home around 11:30 or so, and I suppose he made it home all right.

As for the rest of my plans, I still have karaoke/lunch today with J-chan (excited!), Sendai tomorrow with the Y-kun( ALSO excited, since i love pretty lights and he'd help me get the kyuudou shop), and the new year's even invite to Y-chan's house, which I'm pretty looking forward to getting the fruits and arranging the flower bouquet...however, I haven't heard from her yet...I might call her a day or two before hand if I don't...heh. It's not being pushy, if she Did express she was inviting me for a specific date right? heh.

oh! something else i wanted to mention. Y-kun said he might help me do a live! i'm so excited, and i hope i can. mom said she had another premonition about me "having a singing career" in japan, which i find amusing and interesting lol. Duno about that, I don't know if I want to become really famous, as i do have a couple things I'm not proud of for doing in the past....plus im' so lazy! and i'm smart enough to know that a Talent's life is far from restful....heh. Haaah. I guess I just want to sing for an audience, no matter the age or group size lol. But that kind of job doesn't really pay either. Plus I'd have to work out the details of untangling myself from this job I've nestled into as well...but those are details that'll I'll have to work out when I get there, right?

Speaking of which, I've been thinking more and more of how I should stay. Whether it be selfish or cowardly, I don't know. I know I said I wouldn't run away, but I've been so tired trying for so long to get to d-chan's heart, but it's just not happening. And perhaps I'm tired of being tired of it. Personally, pursuing my life here, and even a singing career sounds far better. Even if I really did love him. Even if I still do. Even if sadness or loneliness will follow me no matter which path I choose.

Anyways, onto a slightly bouncier note, I've had a couple interesting dreams lately, though most of the details have, naturally faded away lol. And though this may not be the place for it, I'd like to anyways. It's my space after all, right? haha. One was where I was at a high school with, for some reason, G-chan, and we were being taught by my principal from here. I remember that G-chan had hurt herself by accident in class during a test, and I volunteered to get some ice. Though I searched the school, I couldn't find any. Then I looked outside and realized there was snow on the ground, and low and behold, ice! So I went to grab the ice, but then I realized there were some creatures there. Maybe human? Anyways, they were doing archery out in the wooded area behind the school, and challenged me to shoot with them. And i guess i didn't have a choice, so i did, though i didn't get beyond loading the bow, when i realized i had to go back to class. So i ran back to class, (tho not sure if i still had the ice lol), and realized i had failed my test, even though i had gone to help a friend, and even explained what happened lol.

i had a 2nd dream, about an avalanche, a recurring dream, except the characters changed slightly... Basically I was watching these anime characters interacting, or rather fighting, then I joined in the plot, though I can't really remember what happened...I just really remember towards the end, where the mountain started to shake and it was getting dark out, and I saw an avalanche coming. The second one I think most of us survived...but then a second one came. And I just remember staring up at the rushing cloud of snow coming towards us, the crumbling buildings and the flying cars, tho one weird thing, was that i felt like i was watching it on T.V. heh... (and clearly i've watched too much anime heh). And I do remember a girl beside me screaming the name of a friend (m-chan). It was one of those annoying, high pitched screams, and i have no idea why she screamed it heh..(haven't quite analyzed these dreams yet lol) Anyways, the avalanche came and went. By the time it ended, it was fully night time and the houses along the mountain were lit up with lights, as well as the houses below the mountain. And i remember the narration for some odd reason "And the whole town was blanketed in snow." Which is quite the lovely narration for a natural disaster that had just occurred heh. When I woke (for real) i told n-chan about the dream and she said i must've been cold haha. One truly strange thing was that, afterwards, she must've been checking the news or weather and said that this city had an avalanche warning! weird?! though luckily, i think it was a different part of the city, and closer to the mountains...though i only say lucky because it meant our lives weren't in danger...though, i also of course hope, no one else was injured of course. it's "funny" but although i haven't really experienced a natural disaster i sure dream about them alot, flooding, avalanches and fires among them...and boy, that terror sure is real...heh..

anyways, 3rd dream last night, i dreamed i was at home, and mom was telling us it was late and to go to bed. i dont' really remember much other than washing dishes and my sister, watching tv, saying "what bedtime?" then mom asking "do you have food at least?" and her nodding her head, then shaking her head, but then me finding snacks and Tupperware containers of food on the shelf haha. On top of that, we were downstairs of our old old house, back in c-town. haha. weird huh. I can generally place most of my dreams, but this one just made no sense lol.

anyways, that's the extent of excitement of my life. oh, tho i did recieve an etch-a sketch (japanese) from j-chan which ive found amusing. plus he seemed to like the chocolate, though it was kinda lame of me, i know..heh. plus i had the "mouthful" drink i got from sendai. the taste was okay i guess...though really the fantasy geek in me wanted it for the cute, pretty bottle lol. go figure :P

anyways (i say that way too much), that's really it, i'm outta ideas. and that used up all my extra time lol, yay at least. also, been taking pics yay! tho mostly of random shit, not events, but i do have them...:)

listening to sentimental music...

...which means it might affect my writing. すまない。

let's see. first the bokenkai. it was pretty good. i was just glad i wasn't late, nor was it far to walk to the school and that the teachers were nice enough to have someone on the lookout for me. i felt kinda sick on the way over and dozed a bit in the car, despite being afraid i was being rude, but i suppose no one noticed as they asked me questions every now and then which i was conscious enough to answer at least. i also received a return gift from one of the teachers for the cookies i made- a chopstick stand, which has turned out to be quite useful . ^^

anyways. we managed to arrive faster than i thought we did, pulling into the hotel's slanted parking lot lol. we got to a room, which i assumed was a bedroom. naturally, being a Japanese hotel, it had tatami mats and a low table although it also had a half kitchen as well. the view through the giant window was really nice, showing blue lights on a man-made pond lit by fired on the water and sparkling blue lights. There was also a garden like walkway, though i couldn't see very well since it was dark. i could also barely make out the ocean, which surprised me. i wasn't aware that we were so close to it.

oh, the hotel was very nice as well. full of glass sculptures, one i liked in particular being the net with glass balls/ovals hanging from it. There were also other sculptures and paintings and i simply remembered there being a lot of shiny surfaces haha. There were also a lot of unexpected patterned carpeted areas, like the stairs. There were also several lobbies, one even that had a very pretty centerpiece made of fire on stones. Later on, we also visited the bar, which had candles within round, glass bowls. To my amusement much of the hotel plants were also decorated xmas style. There was even a fake light tree that had bulbs that flashed different colors. I was particularly interested in the large ikebana flower arrangement in a giant vase within sight of the bar. I think it'd be awesome to work on a flower arrangement of that size. :)

anyways, back to the room we first went to. There was compai all around, with beer in small glasses. Simple treats were also laid out on the table, including some strange but good spicy peanuts, strawberry chocolate and chocolate macadamia nuts, which were quite good. I laugh now, but at first I was wondering where everyone else was, wondering if this was it. Silly me haha.

Anyways, around 7, we made our way to the banquet hall (and i was amused that i wasn't the only one who could manage to get lost in a building). I was quite bedazzled, after seeing the lobbys, and the room, to find myself in a traditional looking banquet hall with long, low tables, trays with food already set out and with the floor of course being tatami mats. There was also a stage with a banner above it and decorated with colorful flower-looking things.

Several teachers had already arrived it seemed. . Oh! We were also told to take a card upon entering, which i thought would be like a lottery, but no, it was to randomly be given a seat. to my amusement, i was placed quite close to a couple teachers that i chilled with in the previous room, which came in use later, when i had to ask how to get to the bathroom- i'm glad that i was so accommodated. :)

let's see...as for the food. there was a lot of seafood, including octopus, clams/oysters, crab soup and snail. i really didn't find any of it appetizing, mostly strange. honestly and sadly the best tasting food was the fried brocolli...even the ice-cream tasted weird..more like fruity ice cream than ice cream :P O_O oh well, at least it all looked quite pretty. i also didn't really know there was an order to eating it...once again, it turns out i know very little after all. i also have pics of the food.

oh! and i also of some of the performances, which i didn't really understand due to my shitty Japanese...although i was made to participate in one of them. i was glad i was included, And that it went well. It was some kind of drawing game, kinda like telephone, but with drawing. I'm just glad it was relatively easy and that the last person guessed right based on my drawing. I was amused at the drawing talent (or lack thereof) of the various teachers haha.

I was also amused at the v.p.'s rowdyness, and the semi-mosh pit/club dancing...but for some reason what amused me the most was when the put the pantyhose on his head. i def have to hand it to the japanese to be incredibly ridiculous when they're drunk, but in a recent convo i had, if we grew up in such a society where they can't express their feelings and everything is so strict and orderly, we'd probably have a bunch of crazyiness locked up inside too. and at least it makes for a new and different level of "funny" or "amusement."

Waitresses (if you can call them that), some in modest maid outfits, others in kimono's came out serving dishes every now and then and eventually after the teachers did their stage stuff, the party began to die down. We each got a simple gift. I kinda wish i had taken more time to choose as i could've gotten something a little more interesting (like the weird ball) ...but count on me to choose the cup, something useful, under pressure haha. also kinda wishing i'd gotten the clothes pin rack, i def could've used that. but oh well...i really can get it anytime, but being human i guess i have my cheap moments and will like just about anything if its free haha.

anyways, the party died down, and my group stopped by the bar. i received coffee and it was okay...i still have to remember to pay the lunch lady back for that...ack. it was kinda boring though, as everyone settled into their own convos and esp in japanese i suck at it so i kinda sat there admiring the view of the pond and lights, trying not to think about how tired i was.

Finally though we moved on, and made out to the car (after the mini-crisis yet fastly resolved forgotten shoe issue haha). The ride back was even faster, with just a few questions.

unfortunately i wasn't able to sleep right away, as i had to jot down my notes for class. i was a bit dissapointed too, that i spent all that time sunday night prepping for the one activity that we never even did due to time....but...that leads me to my next talk.

i was surprised the sensei let me go early too...as bad as i felt about requesting, even indirectly for such a thing...but i guess it's lucky they understood heh...i guess they like me just enough...

anyways, classes were fun this week. i hope the kids enjoyed them. also glad i managed to get out of waxing it seems heeeeeeeh. I'm also surprised i could talk with the one teacher about a rather important part of education and learning.

anyways, i also talked with a couple students, played their card game and even received a very anime-ized drawing of myself haha.

today, i gave out the sticker gifts which went well and the students were pretty cute the past couple days too haha. there were a couple issues with lessons but basically that was at my restriction of not using japanese to explain and my tendancy to create rather difficult activities..x_x i also kinda felt bad that they took up so much time, but at least we did some textbook activities and that i'm kinda getting the hang of combining textbook and self-made ones. today, i played soccer with the kids during class, and man that wore me out...the praising felt weird but i was just lucky they were kinders, if it had been a middle school class or even a higher grade level, i definitely wouldn't have done as well haha. lost as the baseball game, even though i probably could've done better i really didn't have much of an interest, nor was i ever good at baseball/softball haha. the special ed class was fun as always as well, and i was just happy i happen to bring the color game. it's kinda amusing that i just happened to make materials for this week, not knowing what the lesson was and was still able to use them. guess i just got lucky lol.

shouting most of the day is tiring along with the P.E. class...oh xmas cake is good. duno if i mentioned it, but it did make a small appearance in the kyuushouku. also, there was a tasty strawberry jello treat today. ah whipped cream..u are heaven lol.

anyways, the oobleck thing didn't really work out either. as it made a mess, and not many kids got a chance to play with it...also haven't really kept up with water this week for one reason or another...but hopefully it'll be okay and i can get back on it.

winter vacation yay! plans are also stacking up, which include a visit to a Japanese "friend's" house for new years, lunch or dinner with another ALT, hopefully karaoke, xmas eve dinner, and a couple trips to the big city lol. i decided to hold off on the guitar case for now ,since theres no way i'd have the motivation to go all the way to the station to practice and i'm not even sure i'm allowed...so it'd just sit in my closet like the guitar is now...kinda sad when i think about it heh..

anyways, the aim is for the kyuudou wear, tho i kinda had in mind to wait till i got better, i kinda really want it...and i wont' get any xmas presents (other than the few small return gifts i recieved as tasty-chocolate and useful-hashi stand as they are) this year, it should be okay to get that as a present right? pathetic as it is to give myself a gift haha...but that's kinda the philosophy of my life now i guess...living this life for me.

was lazy tonight and ate some of the bento box, kinda wish i had soy sauce for the sushi and might cook the quail eggs in a soup or something, since by themselves they aren't that great..

quick note 'cause i dont remember if i mentioned it, but yeah. cute guy was at the xmas party. and got a few more contacts for hopefully japanese friends maybe? haha...one who'll be in the states when i might go back, tho its unlikely we'd meet then...oh the reality of my relationships comes back again..that said..

..allowing myself to trail off a bit. found a new song, selenite, the one i'm listening to, that was suggested on a youtube comment. it's a decent song. duno why but i kinda like the whispy, dreamy, yet hintedly sad lullaby song, even if the singing isn't that great. havent' talked to d-chan in a while...i remember saying "there's a guy a like..." and trailed off on that one-line story. but for the first time, it kinda felt like i was lying, and had just got caught up in the moment. yappari, as sad as it is, it really is better this way. for me, because it hurts too much to love. to give my all and only feel indifference and even repulsion in return. i was seriously considering on staying, but then i realized that i'm not sure the medical stuff with me and back home would work out...

but...j-chan, u'd be all right wouldn't you? surely you have to learn to keep ur resolve and learn to be okay walking through life even if you feel alone sometimes too. so...on the subject of considering i'd stay, maybe doesn't seem like a terrible choice. only this job wears me out so much...x_x but it Is a job and i have my own life here. here in this dream away from facing a terrible reality back in the states...because as the feelings awakened in my dream, it's not great here, but it Is better than being back there. I'd even be afraid of going back, for the reason that i can't be here again. If i had to choose, i'd say i like it here. i like my job and i like living here, even if my social life isn't very strong. even if there is still a dark sadness inside. even if i want to say i don't need a lover, i can't really make friends, or refusing the fact that i'm lonely. being in a numbed dream is far better than feeling...because those feelings are...truly...悔しい AND 苦しい heh.
here...my world isn't any brighter. i'm not getting any stronger. but i'm not getting weaker either...to me, it's like time has frozen or i'm floating in a still, vast ocean with the night sky always above me. and when i die, i won't even know it...i'd truly rather be numb to the fact i'm sad and crying, than be aware of it....

it's the most selfish thing, i know, to decide to stay here. but the fear of being stuck back there...i can only think about how much i don't want it. the thought is enough to me want to scream and cry and run as fast and far as i can just to avoid it. sadly, your indifference may have made me give up and keep running after all. call it cowardice or call it love...all i can really think and do is breathe in and out and say with a heavy breath, "luck you." i suppose i really wish at least, you'd remember, waving good-bye, sending you, as a memory, away with a smile. it would be nice...if you'd come find me one day instead. but i know, probably not. i'd rather stay here in my bubble (until you do), pretending i don't feel a thing, pretending it's all just disconnected memories meant to fade away, disintegrate in this vast ocean of myself. the one thing that feels familiar, the one thing i know, is the unchanging, enveloping sense of quiet loneliness of emptiness. but it's fine, as i'd rather be blinded and numbed the sunlight i've created in this world of mine.

haa...depressing talk like that sure is a deceivingly sinkable substance to slip into. but maybe it's my reality. not that i guess i entirely mind. part of the character i admire, cold, knows pain and loss, and loneliness no matter if the world glitters or is truly covered in death and destruction. one who smiles fleetingly, and whose heart can be as cynical as innocent, simple and fragile. one who simply seeks peace and rest so she can stop pretending...

anyways! i'm wiped out as this drained the last of my energy. first holiday plans begin tomorrow. to the big city it is... :)

haaa...

well at least it got me writing.

so i was quite excited to see the snow on the ground, even if it wasn't much. and as i merrily went on my way to school, i didn't think there was ice on the sidewalk. And oh there was. Made for quite the turn. I actually scraped myself up pretty good...and I'm surprise no one noticed that i had several cuts and was bleeding...several on my knee, lower leg and one up my thigh, thats probably a good 6-8 inches long. yay...of course i didnt want anyone freaking out about it, and the last thing i needed was the hospital. for a while it was okay, and i probably didnt notice afterwards because it was so cold, and of course the after-fall bodily anesthesia. but i certaintly noticed it once i started warming up and time began to pass. the amount of pain that came afterwards and the multip long cuts would explain why i nearly cried and passed out after falling... :P

i was a bit surprised that there was a kid who passed from this school, who probably saw me fall or at least on the ground and didnt say anything...but i guess it doesn't really bother me that much. just a little surprised.

in any case, ill have to be careful from now on. and apparently i wasnt the only one that fell this morning according to the head english teacher. anyways, im just glad that i didnt bleed too much, and was able to take care of it without anyone noticing. now i just have to hope theres not serious infection...x_xl i also kinda wish this had happened on my way home instead, so i wouldnt have to pretend like it doesnt hurt or hide it and could better take care of it. i cant really remember if i have antibiotic cream or not..x_x and i dont really have time to go looking. guess ill just have to wash it real good when i get home.

funny though, i kinda had an emotional moment when thinking about what to say if the teachers found out, like ''no, i odnt want to to go the hospital! i still want to teach, and someone is counting on me!'' looking back, thats lame And dramatic. heeeeh.

2nd big thing. trying to tell the kids about my fake money for candy prizes...but its not going so well. half the kids have lost 2 days, and i ony thought of going around to tell them now...itll be tight, and a bit stressful but ill just have to do the best i can. i even made illustrations, though hopefully it wont be noticed by the teachers that its in japanese..heeeeh...but after all the q marks that pop up over their heads when i explain, and i have to reach 7 classes in 10 min before lunch, i dont really have the luxery or the time...x_x gambatte to me...heh.

i was a bit surprised too when the class didnt even jump up at my offer for the fake money for daily quesitons. shy? no, i still believe theyre just unmotivated. :P kinda a set back, but the 1st years responded well, even though i didnt get to the 2nd class i wanted to...oh well oh well. win some, lose some...and as much as i feel like i dont want to force them to speak english, so if they dont want money for candy, then oh well. too im not supposed to have that attitude heeeeh.

thats about it. wish me luck for the next few days, at east till school ends...x_x plans are already stacking up...gak..

ひさしぶり。。。

ack...it has been a while, unfortunately. i can't believe im that lazy. anyhoo, recent updates...

before i forget, saw my first snowfall of the year in japan. tho it was more like a sprinkle of snow with lots of wind that resulted in it smacking me in the face on the way to school. fun :P. not my xmas morning, dreamy kind of blanketed snowfall, but exciting nonetheless.

there was a kyuudou competition on sunday, but alas, i missed it due to coming to school. its fine, as i doubt i would've placed anyways. on top of that, i was told i was supposed to wear the kyuudou clothes, which i have not anyways, though i really do want..*_*

as for sunday, it was basically a normal day. kinda had the atmosphere of friday to me anyways. last period parents came to watch the class. which made the students even quieter, at least less disruptive, the main teacher nervous, which in turn stressed me out. oh the joys of observation classes.

ive gotten stickers for the kids, for class (tho not much an opportunity to use them) and mostly for worksheets, though who knows if they'll get them back before break. i hope so :)

also made my first batch of cookies in the toaster oven. disasterous, the first batch was, nearly setting of the smoke alarm, but quickly became better. not great, but edible, and while the teachers may have just been polite, i was happy at least one teacher asked for the recipe, though who knows if thats just being polite too. sucks, i dont really trust ppl to tell the truth, but it does kinda apply here, in japan. even the japanese will admit it..

anyways, also made a special on my fake money at school. id like to keep it this price all year....but seems the head english teacher doesn't like that idea (tho its really just a suspicion as of yet). but when only two kids (one who hasn't even come to get his candy) has talked to me enough, and when most deem it impossible, i dont see any problem in lowering the bar... :/

so i bide my time a bit with that. between cutting out the fake money and having made the litle recipe book. tho im fairly satisfied with my japanese translation (tho im sure there are probably mistakes) and the drawings, i realized i probaby should've put the instructions on the page opposite to the drawing...oh well. i guess i can explain it, though if i can help it, id rather just show her myself...not even sure though when ill be able to make it over there, since their meetings tend to last a long time And take place around when school ends here. yay.

supposedly the fb japanese guy is having an xmas party. supposedly two other ALTs will be there and i doubt they're the ones i hang out with. not entirely thrilled to see them...and i hope one's not the one we've been avoiding...

was thinking of making either the cookies or the soup. probably the soup, which by the way ended up delicious, though tasting more like carrot soup than potato soup haha. oh well. :) now i just gotta figure out what to do with those japanese potatoes...and hope that perhaps the kimchi spice will be enough to drown out the weird flavor. x_x

seems like we'll start japanese classes next semester, so its something to look forward too lol.

things ive been thinking i need: a coat. maybe....though considering our dec and jan paychecks wont be as much as usual, i think i should save. in theory. unfortunately theory never happens.

on top of that, theres supposedly a drinking party with the teachers on monday night. sad, since i have to be at school tuesday...and on top of that its not cheap. around 150 if i take the hotel as well...but even so, the first number he presented was 120...x_x

just glad my computer fixed itself. speaking of which yay. my computer fixed itself. :) for once a blind mistake turned out to be for the best.

winter plans, i was thinking of visiting matsushima...but duno. depends on how daring i feel. i'd rather use the time to rest. watch anime, perhaps start a fic...but unfortunately im ''not allowed'' anymore, due to certain bodily complications..haa..

ill probably go to sendai though, and meet up with the japanese guy. he plays the guitar and sings, so perhaps we could have some real fun. hopefully this encounter will turn out better than my past ones..x_x also, perhaps planning on seeing the sendai lights show. would be cool too if we could find a place to skate, though last time i did, my ankles and shins nearly died...still though...

i messaged the one girl, and hopefuly we can hang out on xmas. would be nice..though i guess being alone, eating xmas cake and watching anime and staying in the warmth wouldn't be bad either... :) either way, i think itd be okay.

also planning on getting together with n-chan for chilli and xmas cake. i hope i can find all the ingredients, and it should be pretty swell. :) a step up from potato soup, yes, but ive made chilli so much, it shouldn't be too much more difficult.

should go around to take pics. still havent gotten a good one of the fish...tho ive missed my chance to get any good pics of trees with the leaves still on. tho i have gotten a few good ones of the sky. :)

also, maybe staying here for another year...? maybe....after all the pros outweigh the cons of going back. the only con for here, would be that in all honesty, i'm pretty shitty at this job...heh. :/ and also in all honesty, im tired of trying to win the acceptance of someone who just doesn't give a damn either way. fuck that. big time...

anyways that's about it, jaaaa. :)

as i once again wait for school to end..

though with all the hype, maybe it means there wont be clubs? i hope...not that i hate it, but i suck so much at the guitar. well, at least im not in physical discomfort today.

i had a girl come up to me the other day and say ''what's up, buttercup?'' as large question marks popped up all around me, i was a bit confused and weary cause im pretty sure she was the girl i prevented from cheating, and in turn figured she hated me. also, i genuinly had no clue what she was talking about. then it hit me today, as that was a saying from like, middle school years. which brings me to my next point, where did she learn That from?... o_o

it was raining this morning, and windy as hell. which caused my skirt to get soaked And fly up as i was riding my bike. luckily i wasn't really within sight of many cars...but it was pretty miserable being cold and wet and entering school looking like a drowned err...cat.

naruto-and the cat episode..so silly..though im sure plenty of fan girls were all over sasuke, cat ears, and acting like a playful kitty. :P sorry, random thought.

looks like its getting a bit sunnier out, as the light smacks me in the face, though there are some heavy, dark-looking clouds out still. would be nice though if i could go home without too much wind or rain.

ugh..i think i'm gaining weight. yuck.

not sure if there's kyuudou tonight, but i guess i might as well show up as if there is. can celebrate later if there isn't.

been having some weird dreams lately. first one, about me and being in a pool facility in the middle of a forest, trying to block out this dog/bear beast that was coming at me by holding up a door that was too small for its frame. huh...

also, last night, had a dream about being at college, of course as usual, the atmosphere is weird. i also remember picking up some food at a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. these places that i keep revisiting in my dream that i've more or less made up(with the atmosphere and familiarity of a cross between c-ville and college)are Really weird...anyways, so yeah. picking up food, something having to do with my sis...can't really remember too well though.

oh, made a friend, i think...we'll see how long it takes me to crash and butcher this one...x_x as simple as i am that the idea of making friends make me happy, i think i always end up in tears, wondering what i did wrong because they never stick around...*sigh* moving on.

drinking party this weekend. yeah. should be good, i hope. though not looking forward to more expensive raw fish and strange-tasting food, no offense x_x its too bad i'll be missing the volunteer group enaki, though it will mean i'll save a few bucks and my tastebuds. i will say, in my defense though, what the hell? why would they set it on a thursday night, when they Know i teach? I guess the rest of them are retired or something...well good for them. also, saying ''we won't drink until late'' doesnt exactly convince me i can suddenly go. its Still the night before school.

still haven't got the courage to ask the kyuudou instructor about the cake event (and i feel so bad for calling it that, but i have no idea what it really is)...must try tomorrow night, but i so fear her wrath at my suckiness at Japanese.

i really want a toaster oven. i　really wanna bake cookies...*_* but thats just more money to spend...its only just barely december, and with paying for school lunches and my bills, i really dont have any extra i should be spending...wah..

was thinking of writing, but every time it passes through my mind, i suddenly feel really lazy. yeah..i still can't decide which series to do, which would help...both would work well...

i recently came across an old poem from years ago. not mine, but...it hurt to read, though i guess just about anything now does when it has to do with him..one might ask, if its so painful then it would never work out. but, its the fact that he won't accept me, as the reason why it hurts. vicious cycle. no matter how i think about it or how i act, i'll lose. and no matter what, i guess i can't help but be the fool.

oh dear..its so quiet in the teacher's room. just me and the lunch lady (the cuter one. guess everyone out for that...reasearch/study/class thats in kanji so i dont really know what it is...even dictionaries seem to fail me for the most part.

speaking of which, i recieved a booklet so i can learn the students names. but it doesnt really help as its all in kanji too and there are so many god awful ways to read a person's name...maybe ill ask t-chan for help...heh. eh, thats what friends do with each other anyways. use 'em while u can, right?..heh..

my hands have been sore lately. i blame it on the abuse of the double whammy which is guitar and kyuudou. btw, did i mention how physically weak i am?...x_x

i found i might have another option. maybe...if i can ever find another chance to talk to the kindergarten teacher, i just might have another option for when i go back to the states. any options are considered after all since i'll basically be wandering aimlessly anyways, at least, after i complete the quest to my true feelings and future in that regard...

speaking of which, that reminds me of another part in my dream. i flew back to the states, then realized i was being tricked into teaching little kids there. i was enraged and upset and said i wanted to go back to Japan and teach (between plane rides and runs between random hotels o_o). huh...my feelings have rarely ever been so clear. but maybe i enjoy it here more than i think..

been making a list of activities, or rather adding to them. i would love to do them all, but the opportunity rarely arises, since teaching plans at the middle school and the one elementary school are fairly strict. and the one where i do have some freedom i dont go to very often..sad.

also, ive been told i can take pics, yay! just can't sell them, like hell i would. jeez, what do they take me for? oh well..

by the way, its true that japanese children need to be told every little detailed instruction or they won't understand it. god forbid, that would explain a little, why its so hard to get them to understand any game i try and teach...

at lunch yesterday, i was asked to sing in front of the students. chicken out, of course and said i would after school, but i havent seen the girl since..heh. guess if its meant to happen it will. totally dont have the guts to go Looking for embarrasment, thats for sure.

still haven't decided to sign up for japanese classes...so much effort. and the place is kinda far, despite what that volunteer leader says...haa...plus, more money spent and less time on the weekends to relax and at least semi-recoup.

guess thats it. well that was satisfyingly length, no? lolz.

just a quick one...

well i'm feeling pretty crappy emotionally. also tired...

but just to keep up with checking in, here's a summary of random thoughts and the weekend events.

the meeting with the city volunteer group was ok. some cute guys at least, even if they were younger then me and i basically won't see them but maybe once or twice since i think they live pretty far away. not like they'd really have an interest anyways...so i guess that also throws my motivation for japanese classes out the window too.

last night was all right, seems the water helps, which i'll keep in mind...

9 hours of karaoke. i hate when ppl try to talk or communicate with others about me like i'm not there when i clearly am. and for an instance i wish i had been alone even if that isn't the point.

next week's schedule is weird. looks like a lot of sitting around and possibly random, boring events popping up...

trying not to spend too much... x_x

i'm not really getting any better at kyuudo. or japanese.

drinking party is next weekend. sunday i'd like to reserve just for me...and any other events that are being scheduled i just don't know....

i guess it's stupid of me to have high expectations or any at all of people. they have their lives, and my peace will come...whether that will fall under a warm or cold sunset, has yet to be determined.

i'm so frustrated...but there's really no excuse :/

cheers to last bit of rest before the start of the week.

wow...hisashi buri to like the max...

wow i really suck at this...not that there has been much to update.

kyuudo's going all right, as i've hit the target a few times, though it's still hard to keep everything in check. tomorrow, i've been promised that i'll learn how to shoot while holding a second arrow in the hand that's shooting. should be interesting... :P
drinking party coming up for the kyuudo gang. sashimi-not so much, but it'll be good to let loose. as long as i bring that water bottle..x_x

spent 30 bucks on candy today....guh. hope i don't need to again for a while. sad though that no one seems to be coming up to me- so i've thought of adding in the fake money for daily questions too, however much that'll help. but really, that cashier probably thought i was nuts. saw a few things i'd like at the yamaya, gram crackers, nuts and oatmeal to name a few...oh well, this weekend maybe?

i really hope the middle school doesn't ask me to come on saturday, i really kinda wanna check out that meeting. and it sucks like me being cautious to not volunteer myself to school on friday, probably makes me seem reluctant to that head guy of the meeting...but i guess it can't really be helped.

also wanna get together to go for karaoke on sunday, my god i want that pizza really bad...x_x. kinda sucks to think i wont get to sing as much as i want, but since i'tll be with other ppl, i guess that's fine- my nerves can hopefully not be too stressed out.

tests this week- meaning next to no classes at the middle school fun fun...but elementary school will be busy all day- yay...and just when its the lessons i could plan for.

made some spongebob cut outs for class, learning about sea creatures. should be fun, and i made a sandy- just in case some kids complain :P also made some cards for the calendar game. i hope i remember that tomorrow.

also, the nametag's in my bag...so theres no way i can forget, right? x_x

today was a holiday, last night and this morning was kinda waste but all right. bad japanese movies though...x_x also carsick= not fun...as i rode my bike around today, i realized i do like the fresh air a lot more.

took a few pics on my phone..but i really gotta get on taking real pics of this place at some point.

went over my spending limit...x_x must do better next time. for realz or i'll be shooting my plans down the drain. lame that in this case money = freedom. i think i've had my fill for clothes now...and hopefully i won't think of too many more useful things...

had a weird dream last night. something that was def affected by that tragic love "horror" story last night. all i really remember was interacting with friends and family at my college and this big house. i remember looking into an empty classroom that was being built. the top floor was full of old clothes, and i got stuck in the spiral staircase that was more like a latter chute... and also something about collecting, and keeping and setting free 6 black widows...x_x

shouldn't have gotten that guitar. i realized i have no motivation, nor is it a lifestyle i could keep up with, even if my so called dreams came true.

was thinking about singing for the kids, but i have this terrible feeling they wouldn't care and just be terrible disinterested. not sure if i could handle that apathy, even from kids...

guess that's about it, crazy i said more than i meant to, but a briefing on what's been up works too.

pending chores = sew buttons onto sleeves, try and make skirts, air out futon.

one thing i've noticed...

about when the Japanese people are talking to me here. Usually they'll say something twice max in Japanese, but if i don't get it right away, they give up- who cares if the foreigner can't understand them, even if it would be nice if they could find another way to relay the information. but i guess i'd be a hypocritical biatch if i said i wasn't the same way. still, i'll be selfish and whine that it's incredibly frustrating to be missing important information.

and on that note, looks like another irregular week. i think something similar to consultations for 3rd years with their parents is going on. the door to the guitar club is open, but i was told i couldn't play due to disturbing them I guess. Tho, after that teacher came back to me, i couldn't understand whether she was saying i COULD go practice now, or if she was just apologizing that i couldn't. god knows...
i don't really want to practice after school, because i really should go to city hall and ask about why i haven't been billed for my insurance yet...go figure i'd have problems right about now, when things finally began to settle down. also go figure there doesn't seem to be a single word in the dictionary that could help me translate ''bill.'' *another angry face* yay for more language fails...

ive been trying to practice a little with the rope for kyuudo, but yappari, its really too different than holding and drawing the actual bow. >_<

my arms are really fuckin sore.

i really do want to practice guitar tho, but maybe that would just make me frustrated. perhaps i Should buy a guitar, tho it looks like the cheapest of the nicer ones was taken. dang. and while itd be nice to play, i probably dont have the energy anyways....haa...

in any case. if i'm not allowed to do anything productive, then i'm even more adamantly feeling like surfing the net to keep awake and genuinly being busy is totally not my fault. i guess it's not really theirs, but hell, it's certaintly not mine.

the leaves are starting to turn colors and there was frost on the grass clovers today. winter's certainly a-comin. wanted to take pics before it got that way but i guess thats what i get for being a lazy ass.

ive started making a list of phrases and vocab words from the textbook and ones i've learned or picked up on since coming here (even tho several have come from anime, still counts if i watched it while i was here (and thank goodness for that to keep my dumbly occupied) :P) at least maybe it'll eventually prove useful and perhaps i can post it right before i leave for home as a kind of wrap up. perhaps with a comprehensive list of random things i learned. certainly that'll make me feel better right? :P

i need to stop having dreams where i'm fired. at least it wasn't entirely about that last time. altho dreams of being about to die kinda suck too. last night's was definitely weird, what with the piratey dream, the strange animals, the remote island off japan, and being charged to hang. oh yeah, and suddenly having less money in the bank.

i need to sweep my floor at home. and eat real food tonight. and probably go shopping for the few groceries i forgot if the atms aren't closed-tho if i make it to the city hall, they might be...

i'd also really like a pair of new headphones. nothing fancy, but nice would be nice. probably should wait till this weekend though...

i wonder why i haven't gotten billed for my phone yet either...x_x uwahaaaa...

kyuudo- a dream come true?

more or less lol. it's already nerve-racking. i always forget what learning a sport feels like. the female teacher (thank god she's female) and the one guy who's helping me out, they're strict but understanding and they do dish out the praises every now and then, even if i don't feel like i'm doing that well. i'm still surprised i managed to sign up despite my lack of good japanese :P maybe i just go luckeh....lol.

the kyuudo place is in what looks like a huge warehouse and might've been at one point. the floor is made of dirt, with white lines that make up a large rectangle kind of like a school gym floor. there's random tools up against the walls. no windows though, at least not that i noted. at the far end there are 6 (?) rather small targets. there's a couple straw, practice targets on the side as well, which i've been using as a beginner.

the arrows they use have real feathers, at least they look that way, but other than that they're fairly similar to western archery arrows. the bows are far different though of course, at least in shape and size, longer and more slender, though these might also be made of fiberglass rather than bamboo, at least based on their appearance.

practice is tough, but fun. i tend to mess up a lot and forget, and it does seem that while i might be decent with the western bow, that training has def messed me up here lol. and i can only imagine it'll get tougher starting wed as i learn to release the arrow. it's crazy how much the japanese pay attention, perfecting step by step the techniques and what not, but it's also pretty cool and professional-looking :) and well...the final target i'll be aiming for is much farther than anything i've aimed for in my life. so, i suppose refining over and over again will be pretty damn important lol. especially since everything is different than the western style. there's much more attention to a kind of ceremonial waking in the beginning, to the different positions of every body part. pretty crazy stuff lol. i haven't even injured or released the arrow yet, and yet i'm nervous simply holding the arrow that close to my face-as it goes against everything i've been taught not to do haha. oh well, wish me luck in not injuring myself >_< i hate being a weak human like that with those trivial kind of fears.

in any case, at the end, they all step up very formally and shoot at the targets. i suppose their hits are counted, or so it seems. today was a bit amusing as the teacher missed all 4 and said "i won't cry!" i had to secretly LOL inside. i suppose even masters have their off days. at least in real life. anyways, as the end, they un-string their bow (also differently than western bows)by pressing the top tip against an enforcer and leaning the bottom part on their left leg to apply pressure enough to lift the string off. :) can't wait till i'm made to do that. i hope that thing is fool proof. but i digress again. so, they put away their arrows, wrap up their bows. a couple people take brooms and sweep the dirt back into the mound where the targets are. the rest of us take bigger brooms and trail them behind us as we walk the length of the floor. even that menial labor isn't too bad, and i'm just glad that im someone who doesn't mind it lol. then we stand behind the teacher bow a few times, clap our hands together and say our ending farewells with "thank you for your hard work".

better remember to practice every day, even if it feels like there's too much to remember. in any case, my rice should be about done and i'm sipping on some warm lemon vit C drink-i've rather gotten used to the sweet, bitterness lol.

as for other notes, i woke up late today since i was up late last night due to my inability not to talk to a certain person...it'd been a while since i'd been up that late. i really gotta figure out how to block out the sunlight...x_x in any case, i woke up late, did some laundry (curse my stupidity for washing All my socks), and left to go find more suitable wear for kyuudo. luckily that search ended well, but unfortunately i couldn't draw any money from the atms. curse japan for having atms that close at certain random hours...x_x.

i could go out to get tasty food, but then, i'm not exactly in the best shape anyways...i really worry too much...as long as i am happy and can function doing daily tasks it should really be okay right? x_x and hell, i don't Really wanna have to go anywhere tomorrow anyways lol. tho it's unlikely i'll stay up as late as i did last night hah hah hah...

my arms will probably be sore tomorrow. yay. but i really oughta keep practicing. besides, anime can really only keep me interested for so long until i feel the need to get up and move around. it's perfect. :)

wed's will be tough from now on 'cause of school, then club, the kyuudo. but it's all worth it in the end. now that i've finally taken some real advantage to being in japan. and it luckily the gods are smiling on me with such a good opportunity so close. thats why i can't give up ;)

that's about it. not sure whether to be happy or not about the increasingly cold weather.........lol.

since it's been a while again....

i forgot to mention that they had a singing contest a while ago. the title of which sounded something like "gasho konkuru" well there i go butchering Japanese, though i'm not sure what it means anyways. anyways, it was an interesting singing event, and yes, singing, i've found, is a huge thing in Japan. no wonder they're huge fans of karaoke. one thing to note though, it seems they take the competition quite seriously, as several girls ended up in tears because they didn't win any place. i do know how it feels, so i suppose i do sympathize. and of course, i too, take singing very seriously. still it surprised me, to be honest.

what else have i left out? after several language fails i managed to get everything settle, bank account, insurance and visa, yay :) things have finally settled into a decent rhythm.

some random notes, as i tend to do, are one: i'm kind of annoyed at the frequent mistakes people are making regarding lesson plans and schedules. seriously, if they screw up, it's totally unfair to blame me for being unprepared. just saying. just like, if they don't let me plan anything for the lessons, don't criticize me for not being busy.

two: something really random happened to me today. i thought i lost my bike. and thought it was both funny and bizzare as well as a bit unnerving. my first thought was that a student had by coincidence the same locks on their bikes and mistook mine for theirs. in any case, i'm glad i checked the two bikes that were by the shoe cubbies, because lo and behold there was my bike. i was told that some teachers probably mistook it for students, but Why MY bike??? out of the the hundreds that are lined up?...that's pretty effin random...and now that i think about it, my human mind wants to be suspicious. but oh well, nothing i can do now. continuing on that note though, i also wondered how they got it there since the locks were on there. then i realized they probably carried. then i wondered, why the hell they took that much effort to do so....again suspicions. there we go with my the "world is out to get me" way of thinking. yay, to join 99% of the population. (in america) :P

three: yay. it's not a no anymore...*hopes*

four: i'm a really terrible person some times...i think you've started to realize that too. i'm for that, even if i won't take back my words, i Am sorry that deep down i do have a shitty personality... :(

five: i'm really glad i could learn the guitar again, although it's as much of a physical pain as i remember (guess i'm just that weak) and it'll def take quite a bit of practice, tho most of its coming back pretty easily. it'd be nice if my dream did come true. i'd really like to sing and play. :) but for now, i just gotta make sure i'm at least decently prepared for the first concert (aka the first step lol).
not many of the girls seem to practice, but then again they know their instruments very well, so they seemed to learn pretty quickly...in any case, catchy songs. maybe i'll see if i can also get the tabs for the other songs too. :)

six: yay for the weekend coming so soon, i do love holidays in the middle of my week lol.

..i'm gonna stop counting. :P some even more random things that have been on my mind. jerks with too much arrogance. i hate. ppl who i believe are good ppl who act jerk-ish. i hate.

mom's been asking about my plans when i go back...not incredibly jumping at the chance to tell her what i'm considering..i kinda wanna make sure i can make it work out first. now that i believe in j-chan, i think i'd be ready to face it and do what it takes :)

i've been meaning to take pics of the city...and i keep forgetting. maybe this weekend- if it doesn't rain on me... -_-' itd be nice to get some pics before the city turns all wintery...

mah japanese = still sucks.

i think i was invited to go to dinner by the students..but knowing the policy i wasn't sure what to say, so i think i just came off as confused and unfortunately that hindered me asking for more details x_x . i hope i get asked again though...or i might just ask the teacher...which is awkward enough in itself.

i really ought to get more wintery clothes...but good luck to me trying to find more stuff that fits, as i can't afford anything really from the nicer jusco stores, and i'm pretty sure i exhausted all possibility at the 2nd hand stores...gah. that deserves another x_x. oh well, such is life.

and i guess that wraps it up for now. yay for this blog hanging by a thread...

if not for this song...

...that is so chipper i'd probably be beside myself with emotions. where do i start?

i'm glad i was able to come home early yesterday, although i'm disappointed that i caved to my physical feeling of sickness. i don't think i've ever done that before. put my health before responsibility. but i def wasn't getting any work done, and while i wasn't passed out, i felt like i was fairly close. and go figure that the k-sensei would ask me random english questions when i could barely stay conscious. and what is it with the japanese going to the hospital for every little thing? i mean, at the start of a fever, really? seems kind of unnecessary, but maybe that's just the american way haha. in any case, caving to sickness really frustrated me...on top of feeling miserable.

and sadly, it looks like i also missed out on a fun night... :( on top of that i can't get mixi to work, so it looks like getting internet on my phone was for naught. i wonder if it'd really be possible to make it to japan and back without making a single friend. count on me to pull something like that off.

it's funny (well not really, but that's the only way i can describe it) that i never really minded being more or less alone. i never saw my parents have a lot of friends. my sister later on had many friends, and of course i was jealous. but i more or less was able to cope with never reaching that. leave it to my sister to be the one to shine. i guess i can be happy with that...

the other day, i was happy that i could finally get gifts for my classes. but i guess it's not really the japanese way to want small little gifts, but perhaps it's more like them to want awards. i guess it makes sense after all, since that's all i've ever seen them get. but after seeing the kids not be all that excited about it, especially the 2nd class. seeing the kid wear the cat ears made me happy, but then the other kid who threw it out the window...i didn't say anything but it sucks i saw it. and it does hurt i suppose...but i guess i know better for the future, huh?....

it's unfortunate that i never made it to the club meetings, although i couldn't really...i hope i don't get chided for that though. my dream of being able to perform hasn't really moved forward after all, haha. go figure, and leave it to me to be all talk and no show. lol...maybe some day...

perhaps being cooped up doesn't suit me...maybe.

on top of that it sucks that sleeping too long doesn't suit my back well. x_x and what the hell is with me having to pee so often? T_T

but on the contrary, i do like sleeping. and being lazy. why? because it's comfortable. even if it doesn't help my motivation which already ranges in the very little. gah.

i've gotten bored of watching anime, although naruto was doing well for me. i was thinking perhaps switching back to drama might work...but perhaps i'm just tired of watching things in general. but i certainly don't have the motivation to write a story or anything. also sad.

last night was kind of fine that i couldn't get out of bed since i didn't feel well. but it also didn't really help that no one was waiting for me online. and tonight, even though you were there, somehow the motivation was still small. despite it being really about d-chan, how silly was it that i started hugging my comforter and started crying for really no reason! i just wanted to for some reason. maybe i'm really not aware how lonely i am. maybe. that'd be funny...heh. i read k-chan's status about u can get anything if you want it. but not all things, as has been proved. >_< if he said 'there's no way' then i'd say 'well i'll make a way.' but maybe that's all just naive. count on me really being that way, no matter how grown up or mature i call myself. and i know this doesn't relate to japan at all, but...of course it's been on my mind so i guess it needs saying every now and then. in any case, it's fine to chase until i'm satisfied right? even if it's selfish. because running away would indeed be much sadder. and there will be many more sacrifices to come for love. and in fact, i have already dealt with a lot so far. losing hope really may just be my worst fear haha. therefore i need reason to keep going. even if it's just for that for now. funny though, what stopped my crying was that i reminded myself that crying wouldn't solve anything and that nothing could be done about my goal right now. i just have to hope that i'm strong enough to carry it out no matter what when the time comes. i was thinking of how to act when i'm around him finally and i really want to be cheerful and the like. but, that's really not me. i know the idea would be to act like me, but if that were me then i'd just let it go because i wouldn't think i have the strength to fight for what i want. so..i don't know for now.

to move on to a topic that has only slightly more to do with japan...i was realizing that while it'd be great to get a japanese bf, or even just friends for that matter, it's really better if i don't get involved maybe? in any case, tonight reminded me of that. i really don't interact with people well. i'm also quick to judging anger, and don't organize my criticisms or thoughts well. that's just as well, i was never meant to be able to. and i'm sorry to say, that while i never want to abandon a friend, deep down, i'm more selfish and capable of hurting you than you think... :( i just hope when the day comes, i can trust you to find your own happiness. perhaps the way d-chan trusted me. but hopefully it'll be easier, because you're not in love with me, like i may be with d-chan...

anyways, that aside. time to wrap it up with what i meant to start with and kind of talked about above. go anime, for teaching us useful stuff, despite what many ppl who don't watch it are quick to judge it as stupid, kids' stuff. in any case! i also agree that it's pointless to argue against someone who just doesn't share the same beliefs as you. you can try, but if you're intentions aren't pure and you're not trying to protect someone or a concept important to you, then all you'll do with your negative attitude is create more anger and hate. there has to be a better way to create understand. but then again maybe i'm just naive and violence and shouting IS the answer. i'd hate to think so, but right now i don't. humans are indeed stupid and make a lot of selfish mistakes. so getting even most everyone to have an open heart and mind to accept and form bonds with others is indeed difficult. but i guess that has nothing to do really with japan. but thoughts i've come to while i'm here are okay too, right? after all, this is my space and my own little corner of the world.

and no one is probably reading anyways lol. :P

mm maple tea with honey. the taste of home-made snow cones. the taste childhood memories ^_^....

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well its finally weather fit for october

i know becase it's freezing outside and i currently have a headache. also am a bit queasy too, but hopefully it'll either pass or hold off until i get home...unfortunately there's a lot to do before then. x_x at least the sun's out?...tho it doesn't help the fact that the headache is concentrated at the front of my forehead and thus my eyes also hurt...T_T i also feel hot..but maybe its just warmer today...

asking teachers if i can have lunch with their class is still nerve-racking...why???
maybe it's becase i still have that ''god, everyone's listening to my conversation'' fear, even though they probably don't care, and I know that...but stil...for some reason i have that same feeling when bringing out my trash. still not sure what to do about the cans...gah. i don't like how they portray setting them out, especially after that notice...because it doesn't seem right. haaa...

i spent a good afternoon/evening shopping for warm clothes. and some food...i'm stil surprised i managed to bring all that home on my bike.

the gang might get together this weekend, tho with this headache i'm not really feeling in the mood...

always on edge like this when it comes to lesson planning ever since that friday. well it's not like they give me much opportunity to communicate or lay down exactly what they want. well time to wing it-and hope i can withstand whatever criticsm may come my way...

i did like that episode last night. it was sad, but i could totally relate. with love, does come sacrifice. but i also thought, ''as it should be.'' it made me waver about my decision. i really don't know what the right thing is to do. and..my ''love'' probably isn't the purest of the pure. maybe love Can't exist without hate. when you love, you risk being hated? maybe...maybe perhaps love and hate can create such confusion because of that. maybe it's all one really big mess after all. maybe...maybe that's something to hold on to to keep my resolution. to at the very least, find the answer.

just wow...

bored for the umptieth time, though with not enough motivation to write anything...maybe i'm just really lazy and it would be easier once i start...

in any case, back to being tired. or sleepy rather. i haven't wanted my bed this much in a while. there's a bit of commotion going on as people prepare for the festival. i thought about asking if i could help, but usually even when i do ''help'' everyone seems to know what they're doing and I end up standing there awkwardly. Japanese people don't seem particularly specific when asking exactly what they need help with anyways. Or maybe I'm just stupid :P although it says they're setting up, i wouldn't know if they'd be practicing either...and i feel bad (and ill) trying not to fall asleep while watching them.

so for now, i bide my time, an hour to go before i can wander the halls as they clean- hopefully that's what'll happen anyways. and then its just a bit more until club time. which i found out that i could use an extra guitar the school has. i forgot about the other guitars i saw in there, but thought they'd be used. not quite sure how to even ask if i can use them though...damn 'u's potential tense. did make me think that maybe i shouldn't get a guitar, but then i was reminded that i did want to play in Tokyo while I was there for the week...but there's also the reminder that carrying a guitar around would be hella difficult...oh well. at least hopefully i can do something during the club now, even if i feel silly doing it. hopefully they'll not expect too much of me... >_< although I'll probably only stay for an hour again, as i really wanna get home and be comfortable...x_x

looks like i'm staring to get a headache too, tho it might have to do with my constant gaze at the computer. i get rather nervous when things get too quiet and there's only one other person here. like i'm supposed to be somewhwere else...i really hope i don't get in trouble for this, but it really can't be helped, since i don't know what to do and hate feeling awkward. almost as much as feeling sleepy.. :P

i've kinda given up on asking for a schedule from the english teacher, tho　it would suck to have to sit through two days again without doing a shred of work...hopefully that won't be so as it seemed there were Some plans for me at least. but i hate that feeling that the english teacher is annoyed with me. guess i really am a wimp after all... :P

i'm a bit excited about the international festival on saturday, though the thought makes me exhausted already. especially excited about the dance party, though it'd be more fun if the others were goin (btw they better answer soon :P) it'd be especially nice if it could be a fairy tale night where i meet someone genuinly cute and nice...but god knows i fail at relationships...and thanks to a certain ex it's not like i could come to trust anyone again. cliche...but...it's true. i might not be in love with him, but i can't deny that it still hurts. very much so...and falling in love, or getting someone new...might not help. no matter how much i wish for it, maybe i won't ever be free.

even if someone ''perfect'' came along, even if he said he loved me, i know. that people change. people get bored. so the love that we so desperately want to believe exists just doesn't last forever. after all, it takes two to make it work. but when one changes his mind, it's gone. like it never even existed.

i miss you.

no classes to teach today?

surprise, surprise. well at least i've gotten the random class to teach here and there, even if most have been cancelled. Guess thats what I should expect seeing as the bunkasai is coming up. thus...on to random notes about japan i have thought of!

every morning i cautiously walk out of my door and every evening i cautious walk into it. why? you might ask. well, ever since the latest frog attack of course. and by this, i mean the random frogs that will stick themselves to the overhang and decide to scare the latest poor joe who happens to be walking beneath them. as the last one smacked my shirt and i shrieked all i could think of was WHY?!?!?! But that seems to have been my life recently. Frogs here drop well...like western flies. :P

apparently if its rather thin material and polo, shirts dont have to be white to end up being see-through when it rains. unfortunately i found that out the hard way. fortunately i was turning into the apt driveway when it actually became see-through.

the weather is getting colder here. at least early in the mornings and late at night. while i'm not incredibly fond of the cold, the chill air is actually rather refreshing in my opinion. at least when im riding my bike anyways. call me weird, for liking it and im not even sure why, but i just do.

i've managed to actually figure out that the huge sheet they give us is actually the week's schedule of all the teacher. well except me of course, but　i understand- im not a real teacher (omg, did i just spend 5 attempts trying to spell that word??? damn...) after all. But in any case, using the handy dandy denshi jisho i've been able to decipher the names of the english teachers (took me a while to figure out it was names i was first trying to look up, go figure why it didn't make sense). its become especially handy when i've needed to know when i could corner a teacher to ask about lesson plans and the like at least.

and about Makke-money. Well this is sad, but tbh, very few kids have come up and talked to me. And about half of those few kids didn't even know about it. I mean, that's the way I prefer, but...in any case, i'm wondering if I should lower how much they need so they'll be more likely to try (it's sad that's how low their motivation is, shy? i　think not entirely...) but maybe i should, although going to the yamaya and seeing that the candy i got was not regularly stocked im incredibly nervous now. none of the new candy is anything i recognize, except for m&ms. so looks like thatd have to be the candy of choice. at least it's something i suppose. i wouldnt have been so wasteful had i known that though...x_x curses. that said though, now i'm quite torn whether i should lower the money needed for the kids to get the candy. saa....

i've picked up naruto again, and it's at least going somewhere this time. i think after i catch up, i'll work on bleach as well. that's a relief as dramas were starting to get a bit old for me. it's nice to switch things up.

recently, i've thought about starting fanfiction again. i know, right? but apparently, according to my CW teacher, original fiction abilities isn't something i possess. oh well. just means i guess useless fluff without the need to character develop is what i gotta resort to. might be good for another distraction. and there's definitely feelings that might be nice to see on paper and between characters that aren't me. i realized i've become so selfish when i write, and my world really has been centered around me. maybe writing about other people might help me get in tune with other people too. granted, i was selfish when i wrote fanfiction back then too, but at least the sense of empathy (even with made up characters) was an ability i could easily access...

on the brief personal side, i've been working on not caring. inspired by sasuke's air of focus and composure has helped of course too. ew, but i guess i wouldn't mind having some of that. yappari, the fake cheerful thing doesn't work for me. too exhausting...so it's been a bit of flop between anger, hatred, loneliness, despair, and obsessiveness. although the whole general air of not caring has whittled those feelings down at least to wear i've become numb enough for the most part to actually not care. but that's as brief as i'd like to keep those thoughts.

anyways just recieved a flyer. looks like they'll have some performance today although it'll run till 4:30. god knows i can't really understand it though, just shows how much my japanese sucks. wonder, though if that means there's a club meeting or not...who knows.

this weekend's gonna be exhausting with the bunkasai friday and the international one in sendai on sunday. might just use monday to get my guitar, if i can indeed practice (edited: i just asked and seems like i can!XD). it'd actually be rather nice to be able to practice at my own pace and my own stuff in that room since im not good enough to keep up with the students to practice whatever they're playing as nice as that'd be. maybe after the winter break I'll be good enough....haha...maybe. still haven't figured out how to transport it by bike though...might just have to walk a couple times to get it from place to place, which I guess works. still also would be torn as to wether to bring it back with me or just sell it back to the pawn shop. it'd be nice to have a real sized guitar, but god it'd be a hassle. it was hard enough getting from place to place before, and I'd have no idea where to put it on the plane...x_x sad.

though that dream will probably only ever be a dream, it's still nice.

speaking of dreams, though, i've been having some disturbing nightmares. but not to the extent where i wake up screaming. god forbit that ever happen to me. i guess nothing in my past have ever been so troubling. seems no matter what my dream is i almost always wake up with the same feelings of ''....ah, i'm awake.'' still though, what happened in them was not exactly my cup of tea...but it's not something i really care to go into detail here, even though no one is probably reading (i still don't wanna take that chance).

i got a business card from the nippon travel agency. was a bit excited at first, and it reminded me of what else i had planned on doing. though it only has the phone number for furukawa, so perhaps it's just domestic travel. ''oh well'' i thought. it gave me a lead or two maybe. good thing I have a week or so do all that.

interesting, that i was considering letting s-san read this, but after the encounter that friday, my defenses shot up. plus im sure Id get reprimanded for this too. so of course, now there's no way in hell. ''oh well.''

its interesting that the teachers say sorry when they give me stuff to grade or comment on. i dont know if they genuinly think its a bother to me or not, but...honestly i don't min. my neck my get a bit stiff, but at least i'm being honestly busy. damn when my need to be productive kicks in when there's nothing to do. but i guess that's human nature too. maybe.

also, i always get riddiculously nervous when asking teachers if I can eat with their class, but i've been able to peice together how to kinda ask in Japanese. and they almost always say ''yeah, sure that's fine.'' but it's just like me to get nervous anyways. and i realized i should've written down their classes, but that's also just like me not to think ahead. i'm still also not positive who eats with the students, and if I ask and just get told names, it'll end up being a forehead slapping situation. complete with sweat-drop to boot.

guess that's it. time to go pretend to be productive i guess...(aka read fanfiction).

random notes...

i can't believe i went to school the entire week and didn't help teach a single class...i thought at first it was something i'd done wrong. but nope. and i guess if the head english teacher knew about it and let it slide (and was partly responsible) then i guess i have to be fine with it too. but god damn, pretending to be busy really sucked.

was hoping for a quiet weekend with the usual laundry, cleaning and shopping chores. now i kinda hope we can make it to karaoke but it's unlikely before 1 or even 2pm...gak. should be fun though i hope!

now that i'm actually going out, i really want those boots...x_x

i wonder why us humans say we won't do something ever again and then we go do it. are we really that stupid?......... o_o i guess so. curses.

at least that's what my stomach is saying. "idiot idiot idiot!" of course in japanese, 'cause everything sounds cooler like that. so more like "ahou ahou ahou!" :P

guess that's about it. money will be a bit tight, but not desperately so. should be good till my next paycheck...

guess that's about it for now. fight-o oh! XD

A lot...

I haven't been very good at keeping up with this. Sorry.

It is now going on day three where I haven't had any classes to teach. I think anyone else would love this kind of situation but...it bothers me. I don't know whether I inherited this trait from my mom or what. I don't mind being unproductive as long as I can have the privacy to do so. But sometimes, I really don't mind having work to do. Being productive does feel good after all.

I've read a lot of fanfiction recently to keep my mind alert. Yes, old fanfiction, but like a lot in the world today, there isn't a lot worth paying attention to. I'd ask the Head English teacher again, but...I'm afraid she'd be angry for bugging her. And counting asking the other teachers, I've asked for the schedule at least 3 times. I'm basically at a loss at what to do. Perhaps I should ask mom...ironically that sounds like a good idea... o_o

The weather here is still nice, on the upside.

On a more personal note, crying about you know what hurts the same every time. But at least the post-crying seems to make me feel better each time. It's true that all I can think about when crying is admitting that I'm weak after all. I wanted to cry to J-chan, but somehow maybe that wasn't okay. I had to check my own strength every now and then. But somehow in my defeat I think its fine if I can't stand on my feet. But last night there was one small thought that asked myself if that was really fine after all. This morning though as the last remnents of crying faded away, I awoke and thought, crying is fine, even hating him is fine. But I guess I don't want to lose after all. When I'm knocked down, I want to get up and fight. He doesn't need me. In fact, he'd rather I stay a safe arm-length away. No matter how much that truth hurts it's still the truth. Maybe it's really fine after all.

いいんです。。。別に。

Anyways, back to the lighter notes. I'm considering translating on this kanji, as it would be good practice. I thought about making worksheets, but I really can't bring myself to do all that work if they're not used. I better have some classes to teach today, otherwise I'll really start worry I did something wrong... :/

Took me a while to figure out the kanji i was translated were names. Go figure. Once again I didn't read directions (or something similar). Perhaps I'll also remember to get up and walk around during the breaks... :P

Even though I probably won't join the guitar club, cause god knows they probably don't have time to teach me...I still want to get a guitar and play. At least it'll be something else to keep me busy.

So...looks like its arts and crafts club after all. Whoot.

The weekend is near...I hope.

yeah....

so, i've kinda given up on the whole uploading pictures thing. that's how low my motivation has sunk. :P

although it kinda made me angry and hurt to hear k-san's comments, a part of me had a new resolution to just try harder. the world doesn't care how much you cry. just how useful you are. so to make it through, i guess i gotta choose the latter.

first, by joining a club. although the kids do kendo, after talking to one of them, i see that there isn't actually a kendo club in the school as they do it with a program at the gym. In that case, I'd choose kyuudo rather than kendo. And as for the school club, I was thinking either guitar or crafts. I don't really have an interest in sports, and I'm fine giving up more of my private life time, just not all of it.

Speaking of private life, one thought crossed my mind, although I may have already mentioned it. That if the emotions of my private life can't interfere with my work, then bitterly, i thought, maybe because i am the way i am, i shouldn't be allowed to have one. despite the awful, giving-up-kind of feeling, it's one that was sadly familiar to me. but perhaps i just like self-pitying myself way too much.

i realized there are times when i can be a very strong person. when no matter how much i'm hit or kicked or hurt, i still push through. but to be honest, and there are few people i've shown this side too, i'm actually very weak. I do get lonely and hurt easily. And I become defensive without thinking about it, in order to protect my pride. But...I guess that's me just being human. I could go on, but I won't as it would stray too far from the "Japan" topic.

I've been watching a load of dramas lately, Japanese of course, because i have little motivation for much else and i do go in looking for answers. And sometimes I find them. But no matter how many answers I find, there's always one that beats sadly silently inside me.

in one of the dramas, they said that the guy was a coward for killing himself. but that's not the way i saw it, after hearing the contents of his letter. no...to me, he was sacrificing himself as a way of protecting the girl he loved. it's true he was no good at showing his love for someone, but he still believed he loved her. maybe love, is self-defined after all.

I've been feeling sick a little this weekend, but I woke up feeling better. Well, physically anyways. I also woke up with the "Hey there Delilah" song stuck in my head. I remember when m-chan said she didn't get it and it was stupid. And I was hurt. But then I remembered the one line that said "our friends would all make fun of us and we'd just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way" and i feel like that line addressed her attitude. But it can't be helped, because she really didn't get it. That was one though I had. The second was a reminder of how much I really wanted that world back again. And how I never could reach that goal.

I know it's straying but something's been bugging my lately. Two things. First, about whether or not I'd be okay just being by d-chan's side or not. I have all these thoughts that crash around inside my head, about how painful it would be, how much of a burden i would be, and how much pride i'm willing to give up..for something that would probably end up becoming nothing. But as usual I guess that question can only be answered when I see him again.

second, i was shocked myself when i realized how worried i was about j-chan when he had called several times. no matter how much i tried to force myself to believe in him that he would be okay, i didn't. at first i thought i'd really done it and fallen in love, but then i suppose later i realized it was more of a worried-about-younger-sibling- kind of love after all. i doubt i'd be that worried about d-chan. i've always thought i've loved him more, so then i suppose the reason would be that i not only believe, but i Know he's capable of taking care of himself. maybe that's what i'm missing from j-chan. but it's okay, because he offers a kind of love too, a gentle patience that d-chan most def lacked.

and one thing i've not mentioned before, i'm hurt by the fact that d-chan so easily stopped being in love with me. and i'd desperately like to believe that day will come for me too. but these feelings always come back to me. perhaps, thats why the world feels so small sometimes. i've been told it makes us stronger and wiser. but at the end of the day, i feel neither. only bitter, lonely and an unbeliever. i just hope i can give up for good, before i'm given a chance to make the choice for real. reality sucks. hearing the truth bites. "but i touch the flame, cause i'm a curious cat..." god damn, that is so my song right now :P

i think i've given up for the most part in trying to find a japanese guy. i'm no good at the relationship stuff anyways... :/ besides, i hear japanese guys are fairly serious about marriage and quick to decide. and god knows i can't make that work. i still gotta stick to what i think, if u wanna be by someone's side forever, don't bother with the piece of paper. despite what j-chan says, i still think so.

i haven't dreamed of him lately. but my dreams are still disturbing...and sometimes rather frightening none-the-less.

anyways, that's far too much straying. as for japan, there are some random notes i've been making. first, i've pretty much gotten used to hang-drying my stuff.

i still haven't gotten used to the driver seat being on the left. or the fact that taxi doors are all controlled by the driver.

the night sky is just as beautiful as the day one behind my apartment. the twilight is just as lovely as the sunset. this landscape really reminds me of a different world, time, and even consciousness (like reality vs. a dream). There's something nostalgic, quiet and calming, with a tinge of sadness, as i watch the train go by over the still, yet expansive rice fields. the bright light blue and yellow lights that show signs of small city across the fields reminds me of staring out over an ocean towards the shore. i feel like my life has been painted over by a thin, white film. my happiness, my sadness, my loneliness and comfort, they've all become one feeling mixed with resolution. i felt it when i watched the koi fish as it lightly rained, or when i looked at the scene i just described.

but that's straying too.

other random notes. the frogs dropping from the overhang of my door freak me out. i think if it hadn't been me i would've laughed. but as it Was me, i just shrieked. The random tiny bugs that come flying towards me as i ride my bike also freak me out.

the coke here seems particularly fizzy.

i managed to break my umbrella, although the fact that i bought it at the equivalent of a dollar store probably doesn't help. i'm not sure what to do with it in terms of throwing it out...and with the notice, i'm now afraid to do anything other than what i've been doing. same with the glass...and might just bring them back to throw out out in america...that's me avoiding stuff. yeah...and me being a hypocrite for chiding j-chan for the same thing. go me.

i also bought some real food..or well, other food than what i've been eating for the past month. i spent a little more, but i think my body will thank me. i hope haha. i've decided to buy nuts every week, a little bit of meat and some fruit. perhaps thats also a reason as to why i'm feeling a bit better. i'm trying really hard not to buy processed stuff, like frozen dinners or meals-in-a-box. although i think i've given in to my ramen cravings lol.

apparently the yamaya is out of twix And snickers. god, i hope they get another shipment, otherwise it's time to make up a bit of a lie....heeeeh...

that one song that they elementary school kids sing in the morning has become stuck in my head...at least it's a good melody pop song.

i've been told my japanese has gotten better. hardly...though i don't speak it very often, maybe in spurts throughout the day. maybe if i can manage to join kyuudo and perhaps mixi (by the way, how the hell is a 250 dollar phone cheap??? oh right. it's 'cause i'm a gaijin-san, because for the japanese it would be since they can pay it off in installments....haaaaaa...i hate making friends the old fashion way :P)...i can start using it more. i also hope to see the other teacher who's around my age, but that won't happen till next month, because lucky me, i'm stuck at the middle school for the rest of the month.

i am however looking forward to the school festival and hope its as much fun as they say. there's also supposedly an international festival the day after in sendai (god i'll be worn out, thank god i have the monday off). should be interesting and hopefully it's not a "festival" as in actually just panel discussions, god those are boring.

also, i'm so glad that the japanese people are understanding, and i do now feel terribly guilty for my lack of ability to control my emotions. i just hope i can still retain my humanity and self-ness while i learn to plaster a smile on my face despite whatever inner torment i'm actually feeling. heh..i know d-chan hated when i did that. but i guess that'll come in handy in this job.

coffee jello is great. i gotta find more of that stuff. did i mention i like pizza toast? XD i think i did..oops.

also...since i've decided on getting cereal, i think perhaps i'll need a permanent spoon and fork.

i do enjoy the one drama i'm watching now, although it's rather silly.

today's only task: wiping all the jelly ranchers one by one. i hope it works. i don't really wanna go out today...but i may need to, to get paper towels for it. but i've already been to jusco several times...and it's unlikely that the students have anywhere Near 30 of my fake dollars.

i really really don't wanna go out today...

i guess we'll see how bored i get.

now that i've written an unnessarily lengthy blog chapter, i'd better stop.

here's to hoping my life here and i will become better all 'round.

ja.

According to the bible...

God created the world in 7 days. Or something like that.

How does that relate? In on way other than, a lot of shit can happen in a week.

The junior high kids, now that they know about my fake money, have started talking to me. Only for the money though. How do I know? Basically what most of them say is "hello, money please" and sometimes that's just shorted to "money" with gestures. How greedy. But they're kids and its really my fault. I wonder when they'll figure out I got the candy here. Curse yamaya for not carrying the same american candy, except M&Ms....x_x But I'll cross that bridge...if its not burned by the time I get there :P

J-chan visited, which was great. We went around the city a bit, and it was nice having him around again. Despite the one little awkward, but brief quarrel. We tried the ramen here, and I'm quite disappointed at the lack of good ramen in Japan. Ironic. I ate way too many fattening and sweet stuff. I was also able to show him the koi fish, although it was a bit too dark to take any good pictures. And of course, I was asked by a few middle school girls about him. Watching the wheels turn in their heads was amusing for sure. I guess I get annoyed sometimes when he's around, but when he's not, I guess it feels like something's missing. And at least, he's easy to be around. And I'm definitely willing to admit that I do love him, even though we've come to the conclusion that what we both feel is not a heart-fluttering kind of love. But after all, I think this is the best kind anyways. Best not to get too deep into the fluff, lest you choke on it.

Anyways, in terms more of school, and more towards the end of the week, I was finally commented on my performance. I almost forgot they were monitoring that, or rather I wasn't expecting comments so soon. Due to yesterday's emotional fiasco, which was entirely my fault for J-chan missing the bus and spending on this money x_x...I was a complete reck. I already know that I'm ruled by my emotions and while its gotten me into trouble before, I never really saw it as a huge problem. Until now. And I'd really rather not lose a second job to it. But because it goes against everything I believe in, because I believe it betrays and disrespects your true feelings, to laugh and smile and pretend nothing is wrong when you're actually in emotional turmoil, I don't know if I can do it. It'd be easier if I could just be cold and believe I don't care. That, I've been able to do. But to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not.....................I can now understand more and more why the teachers don't really care or like to teach and why they act the way they do. I now see that not only might I become like that, I may have to. And I can't see any way in which that can be good. And I really am afraid my true self will betray me.

I've realized that I was vain in thinking I was independent. Because this has clearly showed me I'm not. I need to quickly stop depending on so many people. I only become annoying and useless if I do. But being alone, despite the twisted pride that comes along with it, is something I can deal with. It's been a philosophy I've struggled with for years anyways.

As for other lighter notes, I now just have to sign up a regular phone plan. I can't believe that health insurance costs as much as it does, judging from what the other ALTs said they had to pay. That's about it. I need to call J-ALT to ask him about signing up. Perhaps I'll let him use my internet and maybe we can have a small party with drinks and a movie. And it's fine. Just go back to where my trust doesn't get dealt out to everyone because I don't plan on anything more than acquaintances.

I guess I function better that way anyways.

If I keep it that way, I can get by, without losing the reality of the necessity to be independent. Yappari, it comes down to being able to be strong by myself. Being asked to shoulder more responsibility in the classroom and join a club which I'll probably have to go to every day even though I won't be at the school that day, I realize that my life here is not as much my own as I thought it was. How bitterly realistic. My hobby is...I like doing nothing. If my choice was to constantly be busy or have a lot of free time, I'd choose the latter. After all, the company I enjoy the most, is my own. I guess that makes me twisted. Huh..that became dark again.

On another lighter note, I made pizza on toast. Which was more delicious than I thought. I realize that it's not the kids I hate, despite the fact some of them are of course brats. It's the adults I can't stand.

Gonna buy something to drink this weekend whether there's someone to share it with or not. Here's to my life, which I re-realized that no matter how sun-shiny a dream it is, reality is somewhere twisted in between. But it's okay. At least I can laugh and cry at the insanity of it all.

*raises her shot-glass* Conpai. (cheers.)