God created the world in 7 days. Or something like that.
How does that relate? In on way other than, a lot of shit can happen in a week.
The junior high kids, now that they know about my fake money, have started talking to me. Only for the money though. How do I know? Basically what most of them say is "hello, money please" and sometimes that's just shorted to "money" with gestures. How greedy. But they're kids and its really my fault. I wonder when they'll figure out I got the candy here. Curse yamaya for not carrying the same american candy, except M&Ms....x_x But I'll cross that bridge...if its not burned by the time I get there :P
J-chan visited, which was great. We went around the city a bit, and it was nice having him around again. Despite the one little awkward, but brief quarrel. We tried the ramen here, and I'm quite disappointed at the lack of good ramen in Japan. Ironic. I ate way too many fattening and sweet stuff. I was also able to show him the koi fish, although it was a bit too dark to take any good pictures. And of course, I was asked by a few middle school girls about him. Watching the wheels turn in their heads was amusing for sure. I guess I get annoyed sometimes when he's around, but when he's not, I guess it feels like something's missing. And at least, he's easy to be around. And I'm definitely willing to admit that I do love him, even though we've come to the conclusion that what we both feel is not a heart-fluttering kind of love. But after all, I think this is the best kind anyways. Best not to get too deep into the fluff, lest you choke on it.
Anyways, in terms more of school, and more towards the end of the week, I was finally commented on my performance. I almost forgot they were monitoring that, or rather I wasn't expecting comments so soon. Due to yesterday's emotional fiasco, which was entirely my fault for J-chan missing the bus and spending on this money x_x...I was a complete reck. I already know that I'm ruled by my emotions and while its gotten me into trouble before, I never really saw it as a huge problem. Until now. And I'd really rather not lose a second job to it. But because it goes against everything I believe in, because I believe it betrays and disrespects your true feelings, to laugh and smile and pretend nothing is wrong when you're actually in emotional turmoil, I don't know if I can do it. It'd be easier if I could just be cold and believe I don't care. That, I've been able to do. But to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not.....................I can now understand more and more why the teachers don't really care or like to teach and why they act the way they do. I now see that not only might I become like that, I may have to. And I can't see any way in which that can be good. And I really am afraid my true self will betray me.
I've realized that I was vain in thinking I was independent. Because this has clearly showed me I'm not. I need to quickly stop depending on so many people. I only become annoying and useless if I do. But being alone, despite the twisted pride that comes along with it, is something I can deal with. It's been a philosophy I've struggled with for years anyways.
As for other lighter notes, I now just have to sign up a regular phone plan. I can't believe that health insurance costs as much as it does, judging from what the other ALTs said they had to pay. That's about it. I need to call J-ALT to ask him about signing up. Perhaps I'll let him use my internet and maybe we can have a small party with drinks and a movie. And it's fine. Just go back to where my trust doesn't get dealt out to everyone because I don't plan on anything more than acquaintances.
I guess I function better that way anyways.
If I keep it that way, I can get by, without losing the reality of the necessity to be independent. Yappari, it comes down to being able to be strong by myself. Being asked to shoulder more responsibility in the classroom and join a club which I'll probably have to go to every day even though I won't be at the school that day, I realize that my life here is not as much my own as I thought it was. How bitterly realistic. My hobby is...I like doing nothing. If my choice was to constantly be busy or have a lot of free time, I'd choose the latter. After all, the company I enjoy the most, is my own. I guess that makes me twisted. Huh..that became dark again.
On another lighter note, I made pizza on toast. Which was more delicious than I thought. I realize that it's not the kids I hate, despite the fact some of them are of course brats. It's the adults I can't stand.
Gonna buy something to drink this weekend whether there's someone to share it with or not. Here's to my life, which I re-realized that no matter how sun-shiny a dream it is, reality is somewhere twisted in between. But it's okay. At least I can laugh and cry at the insanity of it all.
*raises her shot-glass* Conpai. (cheers.)
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