just wow...

bored for the umptieth time, though with not enough motivation to write anything...maybe i'm just really lazy and it would be easier once i start...

in any case, back to being tired. or sleepy rather. i haven't wanted my bed this much in a while. there's a bit of commotion going on as people prepare for the festival. i thought about asking if i could help, but usually even when i do ''help'' everyone seems to know what they're doing and I end up standing there awkwardly. Japanese people don't seem particularly specific when asking exactly what they need help with anyways. Or maybe I'm just stupid :P although it says they're setting up, i wouldn't know if they'd be practicing either...and i feel bad (and ill) trying not to fall asleep while watching them.

so for now, i bide my time, an hour to go before i can wander the halls as they clean- hopefully that's what'll happen anyways. and then its just a bit more until club time. which i found out that i could use an extra guitar the school has. i forgot about the other guitars i saw in there, but thought they'd be used. not quite sure how to even ask if i can use them though...damn 'u's potential tense. did make me think that maybe i shouldn't get a guitar, but then i was reminded that i did want to play in Tokyo while I was there for the week...but there's also the reminder that carrying a guitar around would be hella difficult...oh well. at least hopefully i can do something during the club now, even if i feel silly doing it. hopefully they'll not expect too much of me... >_< although I'll probably only stay for an hour again, as i really wanna get home and be comfortable...x_x

looks like i'm staring to get a headache too, tho it might have to do with my constant gaze at the computer. i get rather nervous when things get too quiet and there's only one other person here. like i'm supposed to be somewhwere else...i really hope i don't get in trouble for this, but it really can't be helped, since i don't know what to do and hate feeling awkward. almost as much as feeling sleepy.. :P

i've kinda given up on asking for a schedule from the english teacher, tho　it would suck to have to sit through two days again without doing a shred of work...hopefully that won't be so as it seemed there were Some plans for me at least. but i hate that feeling that the english teacher is annoyed with me. guess i really am a wimp after all... :P

i'm a bit excited about the international festival on saturday, though the thought makes me exhausted already. especially excited about the dance party, though it'd be more fun if the others were goin (btw they better answer soon :P) it'd be especially nice if it could be a fairy tale night where i meet someone genuinly cute and nice...but god knows i fail at relationships...and thanks to a certain ex it's not like i could come to trust anyone again. cliche...but...it's true. i might not be in love with him, but i can't deny that it still hurts. very much so...and falling in love, or getting someone new...might not help. no matter how much i wish for it, maybe i won't ever be free.

even if someone ''perfect'' came along, even if he said he loved me, i know. that people change. people get bored. so the love that we so desperately want to believe exists just doesn't last forever. after all, it takes two to make it work. but when one changes his mind, it's gone. like it never even existed.

i miss you.