yeah....

so, i've kinda given up on the whole uploading pictures thing. that's how low my motivation has sunk. :P

although it kinda made me angry and hurt to hear k-san's comments, a part of me had a new resolution to just try harder. the world doesn't care how much you cry. just how useful you are. so to make it through, i guess i gotta choose the latter.

first, by joining a club. although the kids do kendo, after talking to one of them, i see that there isn't actually a kendo club in the school as they do it with a program at the gym. In that case, I'd choose kyuudo rather than kendo. And as for the school club, I was thinking either guitar or crafts. I don't really have an interest in sports, and I'm fine giving up more of my private life time, just not all of it.

Speaking of private life, one thought crossed my mind, although I may have already mentioned it. That if the emotions of my private life can't interfere with my work, then bitterly, i thought, maybe because i am the way i am, i shouldn't be allowed to have one. despite the awful, giving-up-kind of feeling, it's one that was sadly familiar to me. but perhaps i just like self-pitying myself way too much.

i realized there are times when i can be a very strong person. when no matter how much i'm hit or kicked or hurt, i still push through. but to be honest, and there are few people i've shown this side too, i'm actually very weak. I do get lonely and hurt easily. And I become defensive without thinking about it, in order to protect my pride. But...I guess that's me just being human. I could go on, but I won't as it would stray too far from the "Japan" topic.

I've been watching a load of dramas lately, Japanese of course, because i have little motivation for much else and i do go in looking for answers. And sometimes I find them. But no matter how many answers I find, there's always one that beats sadly silently inside me.

in one of the dramas, they said that the guy was a coward for killing himself. but that's not the way i saw it, after hearing the contents of his letter. no...to me, he was sacrificing himself as a way of protecting the girl he loved. it's true he was no good at showing his love for someone, but he still believed he loved her. maybe love, is self-defined after all.

I've been feeling sick a little this weekend, but I woke up feeling better. Well, physically anyways. I also woke up with the "Hey there Delilah" song stuck in my head. I remember when m-chan said she didn't get it and it was stupid. And I was hurt. But then I remembered the one line that said "our friends would all make fun of us and we'd just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way" and i feel like that line addressed her attitude. But it can't be helped, because she really didn't get it. That was one though I had. The second was a reminder of how much I really wanted that world back again. And how I never could reach that goal.

I know it's straying but something's been bugging my lately. Two things. First, about whether or not I'd be okay just being by d-chan's side or not. I have all these thoughts that crash around inside my head, about how painful it would be, how much of a burden i would be, and how much pride i'm willing to give up..for something that would probably end up becoming nothing. But as usual I guess that question can only be answered when I see him again.

second, i was shocked myself when i realized how worried i was about j-chan when he had called several times. no matter how much i tried to force myself to believe in him that he would be okay, i didn't. at first i thought i'd really done it and fallen in love, but then i suppose later i realized it was more of a worried-about-younger-sibling- kind of love after all. i doubt i'd be that worried about d-chan. i've always thought i've loved him more, so then i suppose the reason would be that i not only believe, but i Know he's capable of taking care of himself. maybe that's what i'm missing from j-chan. but it's okay, because he offers a kind of love too, a gentle patience that d-chan most def lacked.

and one thing i've not mentioned before, i'm hurt by the fact that d-chan so easily stopped being in love with me. and i'd desperately like to believe that day will come for me too. but these feelings always come back to me. perhaps, thats why the world feels so small sometimes. i've been told it makes us stronger and wiser. but at the end of the day, i feel neither. only bitter, lonely and an unbeliever. i just hope i can give up for good, before i'm given a chance to make the choice for real. reality sucks. hearing the truth bites. "but i touch the flame, cause i'm a curious cat..." god damn, that is so my song right now :P

i think i've given up for the most part in trying to find a japanese guy. i'm no good at the relationship stuff anyways... :/ besides, i hear japanese guys are fairly serious about marriage and quick to decide. and god knows i can't make that work. i still gotta stick to what i think, if u wanna be by someone's side forever, don't bother with the piece of paper. despite what j-chan says, i still think so.

i haven't dreamed of him lately. but my dreams are still disturbing...and sometimes rather frightening none-the-less.

anyways, that's far too much straying. as for japan, there are some random notes i've been making. first, i've pretty much gotten used to hang-drying my stuff.

i still haven't gotten used to the driver seat being on the left. or the fact that taxi doors are all controlled by the driver.

the night sky is just as beautiful as the day one behind my apartment. the twilight is just as lovely as the sunset. this landscape really reminds me of a different world, time, and even consciousness (like reality vs. a dream). There's something nostalgic, quiet and calming, with a tinge of sadness, as i watch the train go by over the still, yet expansive rice fields. the bright light blue and yellow lights that show signs of small city across the fields reminds me of staring out over an ocean towards the shore. i feel like my life has been painted over by a thin, white film. my happiness, my sadness, my loneliness and comfort, they've all become one feeling mixed with resolution. i felt it when i watched the koi fish as it lightly rained, or when i looked at the scene i just described.

but that's straying too.

other random notes. the frogs dropping from the overhang of my door freak me out. i think if it hadn't been me i would've laughed. but as it Was me, i just shrieked. The random tiny bugs that come flying towards me as i ride my bike also freak me out.

the coke here seems particularly fizzy.

i managed to break my umbrella, although the fact that i bought it at the equivalent of a dollar store probably doesn't help. i'm not sure what to do with it in terms of throwing it out...and with the notice, i'm now afraid to do anything other than what i've been doing. same with the glass...and might just bring them back to throw out out in america...that's me avoiding stuff. yeah...and me being a hypocrite for chiding j-chan for the same thing. go me.

i also bought some real food..or well, other food than what i've been eating for the past month. i spent a little more, but i think my body will thank me. i hope haha. i've decided to buy nuts every week, a little bit of meat and some fruit. perhaps thats also a reason as to why i'm feeling a bit better. i'm trying really hard not to buy processed stuff, like frozen dinners or meals-in-a-box. although i think i've given in to my ramen cravings lol.

apparently the yamaya is out of twix And snickers. god, i hope they get another shipment, otherwise it's time to make up a bit of a lie....heeeeh...

that one song that they elementary school kids sing in the morning has become stuck in my head...at least it's a good melody pop song.

i've been told my japanese has gotten better. hardly...though i don't speak it very often, maybe in spurts throughout the day. maybe if i can manage to join kyuudo and perhaps mixi (by the way, how the hell is a 250 dollar phone cheap??? oh right. it's 'cause i'm a gaijin-san, because for the japanese it would be since they can pay it off in installments....haaaaaa...i hate making friends the old fashion way :P)...i can start using it more. i also hope to see the other teacher who's around my age, but that won't happen till next month, because lucky me, i'm stuck at the middle school for the rest of the month.

i am however looking forward to the school festival and hope its as much fun as they say. there's also supposedly an international festival the day after in sendai (god i'll be worn out, thank god i have the monday off). should be interesting and hopefully it's not a "festival" as in actually just panel discussions, god those are boring.

also, i'm so glad that the japanese people are understanding, and i do now feel terribly guilty for my lack of ability to control my emotions. i just hope i can still retain my humanity and self-ness while i learn to plaster a smile on my face despite whatever inner torment i'm actually feeling. heh..i know d-chan hated when i did that. but i guess that'll come in handy in this job.

coffee jello is great. i gotta find more of that stuff. did i mention i like pizza toast? XD i think i did..oops.

also...since i've decided on getting cereal, i think perhaps i'll need a permanent spoon and fork.

i do enjoy the one drama i'm watching now, although it's rather silly.

today's only task: wiping all the jelly ranchers one by one. i hope it works. i don't really wanna go out today...but i may need to, to get paper towels for it. but i've already been to jusco several times...and it's unlikely that the students have anywhere Near 30 of my fake dollars.

i really really don't wanna go out today...

i guess we'll see how bored i get.

now that i've written an unnessarily lengthy blog chapter, i'd better stop.

here's to hoping my life here and i will become better all 'round.

ja.