...that is so chipper i'd probably be beside myself with emotions. where do i start?
i'm glad i was able to come home early yesterday, although i'm disappointed that i caved to my physical feeling of sickness. i don't think i've ever done that before. put my health before responsibility. but i def wasn't getting any work done, and while i wasn't passed out, i felt like i was fairly close. and go figure that the k-sensei would ask me random english questions when i could barely stay conscious. and what is it with the japanese going to the hospital for every little thing? i mean, at the start of a fever, really? seems kind of unnecessary, but maybe that's just the american way haha. in any case, caving to sickness really frustrated me...on top of feeling miserable.
and sadly, it looks like i also missed out on a fun night... :( on top of that i can't get mixi to work, so it looks like getting internet on my phone was for naught. i wonder if it'd really be possible to make it to japan and back without making a single friend. count on me to pull something like that off.
it's funny (well not really, but that's the only way i can describe it) that i never really minded being more or less alone. i never saw my parents have a lot of friends. my sister later on had many friends, and of course i was jealous. but i more or less was able to cope with never reaching that. leave it to my sister to be the one to shine. i guess i can be happy with that...
the other day, i was happy that i could finally get gifts for my classes. but i guess it's not really the japanese way to want small little gifts, but perhaps it's more like them to want awards. i guess it makes sense after all, since that's all i've ever seen them get. but after seeing the kids not be all that excited about it, especially the 2nd class. seeing the kid wear the cat ears made me happy, but then the other kid who threw it out the window...i didn't say anything but it sucks i saw it. and it does hurt i suppose...but i guess i know better for the future, huh?....
it's unfortunate that i never made it to the club meetings, although i couldn't really...i hope i don't get chided for that though. my dream of being able to perform hasn't really moved forward after all, haha. go figure, and leave it to me to be all talk and no show. lol...maybe some day...
perhaps being cooped up doesn't suit me...maybe.
on top of that it sucks that sleeping too long doesn't suit my back well. x_x and what the hell is with me having to pee so often? T_T
but on the contrary, i do like sleeping. and being lazy. why? because it's comfortable. even if it doesn't help my motivation which already ranges in the very little. gah.
i've gotten bored of watching anime, although naruto was doing well for me. i was thinking perhaps switching back to drama might work...but perhaps i'm just tired of watching things in general. but i certainly don't have the motivation to write a story or anything. also sad.
last night was kind of fine that i couldn't get out of bed since i didn't feel well. but it also didn't really help that no one was waiting for me online. and tonight, even though you were there, somehow the motivation was still small. despite it being really about d-chan, how silly was it that i started hugging my comforter and started crying for really no reason! i just wanted to for some reason. maybe i'm really not aware how lonely i am. maybe. that'd be funny...heh. i read k-chan's status about u can get anything if you want it. but not all things, as has been proved. >_< if he said 'there's no way' then i'd say 'well i'll make a way.' but maybe that's all just naive. count on me really being that way, no matter how grown up or mature i call myself. and i know this doesn't relate to japan at all, but...of course it's been on my mind so i guess it needs saying every now and then. in any case, it's fine to chase until i'm satisfied right? even if it's selfish. because running away would indeed be much sadder. and there will be many more sacrifices to come for love. and in fact, i have already dealt with a lot so far. losing hope really may just be my worst fear haha. therefore i need reason to keep going. even if it's just for that for now. funny though, what stopped my crying was that i reminded myself that crying wouldn't solve anything and that nothing could be done about my goal right now. i just have to hope that i'm strong enough to carry it out no matter what when the time comes. i was thinking of how to act when i'm around him finally and i really want to be cheerful and the like. but, that's really not me. i know the idea would be to act like me, but if that were me then i'd just let it go because i wouldn't think i have the strength to fight for what i want. so..i don't know for now.
to move on to a topic that has only slightly more to do with japan...i was realizing that while it'd be great to get a japanese bf, or even just friends for that matter, it's really better if i don't get involved maybe? in any case, tonight reminded me of that. i really don't interact with people well. i'm also quick to judging anger, and don't organize my criticisms or thoughts well. that's just as well, i was never meant to be able to. and i'm sorry to say, that while i never want to abandon a friend, deep down, i'm more selfish and capable of hurting you than you think... :( i just hope when the day comes, i can trust you to find your own happiness. perhaps the way d-chan trusted me. but hopefully it'll be easier, because you're not in love with me, like i may be with d-chan...
anyways, that aside. time to wrap it up with what i meant to start with and kind of talked about above. go anime, for teaching us useful stuff, despite what many ppl who don't watch it are quick to judge it as stupid, kids' stuff. in any case! i also agree that it's pointless to argue against someone who just doesn't share the same beliefs as you. you can try, but if you're intentions aren't pure and you're not trying to protect someone or a concept important to you, then all you'll do with your negative attitude is create more anger and hate. there has to be a better way to create understand. but then again maybe i'm just naive and violence and shouting IS the answer. i'd hate to think so, but right now i don't. humans are indeed stupid and make a lot of selfish mistakes. so getting even most everyone to have an open heart and mind to accept and form bonds with others is indeed difficult. but i guess that has nothing to do really with japan. but thoughts i've come to while i'm here are okay too, right? after all, this is my space and my own little corner of the world.
and no one is probably reading anyways lol. :P
mm maple tea with honey. the taste of home-made snow cones. the taste childhood memories ^_^....
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