...which means it might affect my writing. すまない。
let's see. first the bokenkai. it was pretty good. i was just glad i wasn't late, nor was it far to walk to the school and that the teachers were nice enough to have someone on the lookout for me. i felt kinda sick on the way over and dozed a bit in the car, despite being afraid i was being rude, but i suppose no one noticed as they asked me questions every now and then which i was conscious enough to answer at least. i also received a return gift from one of the teachers for the cookies i made- a chopstick stand, which has turned out to be quite useful . ^^
anyways. we managed to arrive faster than i thought we did, pulling into the hotel's slanted parking lot lol. we got to a room, which i assumed was a bedroom. naturally, being a Japanese hotel, it had tatami mats and a low table although it also had a half kitchen as well. the view through the giant window was really nice, showing blue lights on a man-made pond lit by fired on the water and sparkling blue lights. There was also a garden like walkway, though i couldn't see very well since it was dark. i could also barely make out the ocean, which surprised me. i wasn't aware that we were so close to it.
oh, the hotel was very nice as well. full of glass sculptures, one i liked in particular being the net with glass balls/ovals hanging from it. There were also other sculptures and paintings and i simply remembered there being a lot of shiny surfaces haha. There were also a lot of unexpected patterned carpeted areas, like the stairs. There were also several lobbies, one even that had a very pretty centerpiece made of fire on stones. Later on, we also visited the bar, which had candles within round, glass bowls. To my amusement much of the hotel plants were also decorated xmas style. There was even a fake light tree that had bulbs that flashed different colors. I was particularly interested in the large ikebana flower arrangement in a giant vase within sight of the bar. I think it'd be awesome to work on a flower arrangement of that size. :)
anyways, back to the room we first went to. There was compai all around, with beer in small glasses. Simple treats were also laid out on the table, including some strange but good spicy peanuts, strawberry chocolate and chocolate macadamia nuts, which were quite good. I laugh now, but at first I was wondering where everyone else was, wondering if this was it. Silly me haha.
Anyways, around 7, we made our way to the banquet hall (and i was amused that i wasn't the only one who could manage to get lost in a building). I was quite bedazzled, after seeing the lobbys, and the room, to find myself in a traditional looking banquet hall with long, low tables, trays with food already set out and with the floor of course being tatami mats. There was also a stage with a banner above it and decorated with colorful flower-looking things.
Several teachers had already arrived it seemed. . Oh! We were also told to take a card upon entering, which i thought would be like a lottery, but no, it was to randomly be given a seat. to my amusement, i was placed quite close to a couple teachers that i chilled with in the previous room, which came in use later, when i had to ask how to get to the bathroom- i'm glad that i was so accommodated. :)
let's see...as for the food. there was a lot of seafood, including octopus, clams/oysters, crab soup and snail. i really didn't find any of it appetizing, mostly strange. honestly and sadly the best tasting food was the fried brocolli...even the ice-cream tasted weird..more like fruity ice cream than ice cream :P O_O oh well, at least it all looked quite pretty. i also didn't really know there was an order to eating it...once again, it turns out i know very little after all. i also have pics of the food.
oh! and i also of some of the performances, which i didn't really understand due to my shitty Japanese...although i was made to participate in one of them. i was glad i was included, And that it went well. It was some kind of drawing game, kinda like telephone, but with drawing. I'm just glad it was relatively easy and that the last person guessed right based on my drawing. I was amused at the drawing talent (or lack thereof) of the various teachers haha.
I was also amused at the v.p.'s rowdyness, and the semi-mosh pit/club dancing...but for some reason what amused me the most was when the put the pantyhose on his head. i def have to hand it to the japanese to be incredibly ridiculous when they're drunk, but in a recent convo i had, if we grew up in such a society where they can't express their feelings and everything is so strict and orderly, we'd probably have a bunch of crazyiness locked up inside too. and at least it makes for a new and different level of "funny" or "amusement."
Waitresses (if you can call them that), some in modest maid outfits, others in kimono's came out serving dishes every now and then and eventually after the teachers did their stage stuff, the party began to die down. We each got a simple gift. I kinda wish i had taken more time to choose as i could've gotten something a little more interesting (like the weird ball) ...but count on me to choose the cup, something useful, under pressure haha. also kinda wishing i'd gotten the clothes pin rack, i def could've used that. but oh well...i really can get it anytime, but being human i guess i have my cheap moments and will like just about anything if its free haha.
anyways, the party died down, and my group stopped by the bar. i received coffee and it was okay...i still have to remember to pay the lunch lady back for that...ack. it was kinda boring though, as everyone settled into their own convos and esp in japanese i suck at it so i kinda sat there admiring the view of the pond and lights, trying not to think about how tired i was.
Finally though we moved on, and made out to the car (after the mini-crisis yet fastly resolved forgotten shoe issue haha). The ride back was even faster, with just a few questions.
unfortunately i wasn't able to sleep right away, as i had to jot down my notes for class. i was a bit dissapointed too, that i spent all that time sunday night prepping for the one activity that we never even did due to time....but...that leads me to my next talk.
i was surprised the sensei let me go early too...as bad as i felt about requesting, even indirectly for such a thing...but i guess it's lucky they understood heh...i guess they like me just enough...
anyways, classes were fun this week. i hope the kids enjoyed them. also glad i managed to get out of waxing it seems heeeeeeeh. I'm also surprised i could talk with the one teacher about a rather important part of education and learning.
anyways, i also talked with a couple students, played their card game and even received a very anime-ized drawing of myself haha.
today, i gave out the sticker gifts which went well and the students were pretty cute the past couple days too haha. there were a couple issues with lessons but basically that was at my restriction of not using japanese to explain and my tendancy to create rather difficult activities..x_x i also kinda felt bad that they took up so much time, but at least we did some textbook activities and that i'm kinda getting the hang of combining textbook and self-made ones. today, i played soccer with the kids during class, and man that wore me out...the praising felt weird but i was just lucky they were kinders, if it had been a middle school class or even a higher grade level, i definitely wouldn't have done as well haha. lost as the baseball game, even though i probably could've done better i really didn't have much of an interest, nor was i ever good at baseball/softball haha. the special ed class was fun as always as well, and i was just happy i happen to bring the color game. it's kinda amusing that i just happened to make materials for this week, not knowing what the lesson was and was still able to use them. guess i just got lucky lol.
shouting most of the day is tiring along with the P.E. class...oh xmas cake is good. duno if i mentioned it, but it did make a small appearance in the kyuushouku. also, there was a tasty strawberry jello treat today. ah whipped cream..u are heaven lol.
anyways, the oobleck thing didn't really work out either. as it made a mess, and not many kids got a chance to play with it...also haven't really kept up with water this week for one reason or another...but hopefully it'll be okay and i can get back on it.
winter vacation yay! plans are also stacking up, which include a visit to a Japanese "friend's" house for new years, lunch or dinner with another ALT, hopefully karaoke, xmas eve dinner, and a couple trips to the big city lol. i decided to hold off on the guitar case for now ,since theres no way i'd have the motivation to go all the way to the station to practice and i'm not even sure i'm allowed...so it'd just sit in my closet like the guitar is now...kinda sad when i think about it heh..
anyways, the aim is for the kyuudou wear, tho i kinda had in mind to wait till i got better, i kinda really want it...and i wont' get any xmas presents (other than the few small return gifts i recieved as tasty-chocolate and useful-hashi stand as they are) this year, it should be okay to get that as a present right? pathetic as it is to give myself a gift haha...but that's kinda the philosophy of my life now i guess...living this life for me.
was lazy tonight and ate some of the bento box, kinda wish i had soy sauce for the sushi and might cook the quail eggs in a soup or something, since by themselves they aren't that great..
quick note 'cause i dont remember if i mentioned it, but yeah. cute guy was at the xmas party. and got a few more contacts for hopefully japanese friends maybe? haha...one who'll be in the states when i might go back, tho its unlikely we'd meet then...oh the reality of my relationships comes back again..that said..
..allowing myself to trail off a bit. found a new song, selenite, the one i'm listening to, that was suggested on a youtube comment. it's a decent song. duno why but i kinda like the whispy, dreamy, yet hintedly sad lullaby song, even if the singing isn't that great. havent' talked to d-chan in a while...i remember saying "there's a guy a like..." and trailed off on that one-line story. but for the first time, it kinda felt like i was lying, and had just got caught up in the moment. yappari, as sad as it is, it really is better this way. for me, because it hurts too much to love. to give my all and only feel indifference and even repulsion in return. i was seriously considering on staying, but then i realized that i'm not sure the medical stuff with me and back home would work out...
but...j-chan, u'd be all right wouldn't you? surely you have to learn to keep ur resolve and learn to be okay walking through life even if you feel alone sometimes too. so...on the subject of considering i'd stay, maybe doesn't seem like a terrible choice. only this job wears me out so much...x_x but it Is a job and i have my own life here. here in this dream away from facing a terrible reality back in the states...because as the feelings awakened in my dream, it's not great here, but it Is better than being back there. I'd even be afraid of going back, for the reason that i can't be here again. If i had to choose, i'd say i like it here. i like my job and i like living here, even if my social life isn't very strong. even if there is still a dark sadness inside. even if i want to say i don't need a lover, i can't really make friends, or refusing the fact that i'm lonely. being in a numbed dream is far better than feeling...because those feelings are...truly...悔しい AND 苦しい heh.
here...my world isn't any brighter. i'm not getting any stronger. but i'm not getting weaker either...to me, it's like time has frozen or i'm floating in a still, vast ocean with the night sky always above me. and when i die, i won't even know it...i'd truly rather be numb to the fact i'm sad and crying, than be aware of it....
it's the most selfish thing, i know, to decide to stay here. but the fear of being stuck back there...i can only think about how much i don't want it. the thought is enough to me want to scream and cry and run as fast and far as i can just to avoid it. sadly, your indifference may have made me give up and keep running after all. call it cowardice or call it love...all i can really think and do is breathe in and out and say with a heavy breath, "luck you." i suppose i really wish at least, you'd remember, waving good-bye, sending you, as a memory, away with a smile. it would be nice...if you'd come find me one day instead. but i know, probably not. i'd rather stay here in my bubble (until you do), pretending i don't feel a thing, pretending it's all just disconnected memories meant to fade away, disintegrate in this vast ocean of myself. the one thing that feels familiar, the one thing i know, is the unchanging, enveloping sense of quiet loneliness of emptiness. but it's fine, as i'd rather be blinded and numbed the sunlight i've created in this world of mine.
haa...depressing talk like that sure is a deceivingly sinkable substance to slip into. but maybe it's my reality. not that i guess i entirely mind. part of the character i admire, cold, knows pain and loss, and loneliness no matter if the world glitters or is truly covered in death and destruction. one who smiles fleetingly, and whose heart can be as cynical as innocent, simple and fragile. one who simply seeks peace and rest so she can stop pretending...
anyways! i'm wiped out as this drained the last of my energy. first holiday plans begin tomorrow. to the big city it is... :)
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