The end of a dream.

at first, i thought it might be interesting if i didn't write an ending post to this blog.

but i should. there should be some kind of closure. so that at least one chapter in my life can have been recorded. A total of 40 posts and 6 months. There were many things I never did. Many dreams I couldn't complete. Many people I never saw. Many things I wanted...but never obtained.

there's a lot of things i wanted to say. lots of notes i wrote down about bits and pieces of things i remembered from my time in japan. but maybe there's something interesting about keeping them lost and unrecorded. as sometimes memories are. because thinking about them now...the kind of sparks of happiness are no longer there.

this is it. like many other installments of my life, that time has now become something of a dream. and i do dream. haunting, nonsensical, broken and empty. those are my feelings. that town will go on, as it should, as if i was never there. no one will care that i left, and i in return, will probably never talk to those people or see them again.

And that'll be that.

so here i am. at the next stage of my life. desperately trying to stay afloat on the wisps of temporary happiness i've managed to catch. living on the rollercoaster ups and downs of my conscious and unconscious mind and emotions.

i realized being close to someone is suffocating. but one experience after another, one relationship after another reminds me i'm just too clumsy for it to work out. i'm no good at being attached to anything. so all i can do is numbly skim above the loneliness.

so i'll float on in this small pocket of the world, until something in reality jolts me awake. i'll float on. trying not to think about what i'm doing with my life. trying not to think about the whys. trying not to think if it was worth it or not. If I've become a better person. Or if I've been able to "improve" myself.

but if there was one thing i learned from this experience it is what i've known all along. the only feelings i can stay connected to are my feelings of love for freedom.

but to the people i met. to the places i saw. to the train which carries my dreams of my past that make up my memories. With tears that fill me from the bottom of my heart, I give one final bow.

ありがとう and さよなら。

long round this time...thanks to the earthquake

Friday, March 11

I thought it'd be just like all the other earthquakes I'd experienced so far. Kyoutou-sensei announced it as usual and the desks started to shake. I didn't pay it much mind until the room started to thrust back and forth. And Then I became fuckin terrified. I shut my laptop lid and grabbed my bag and purse off the desk and was eventually knocked to my knees off the chair. And of course, there was Kouchou-sensei with a giant grin on his face behind me. The man was nuts. I guess he was trying to be strong for us or something. That did Not help my nerves. Then suddenly he shouted to get out of the building. I didn't need to be told twice. After coughing on dust from building parts that had collapsed and watching the giant printer fall over like a wounded elephant I bolted. I only had a glimpse of the hallway as I jumped over parts of the floor that had crumpled and jutted out of the ground. I was pushed in the direction of the entrance hallway. After a quick panic that the door wouldn't open wide enough, I squeezed through what would open and dashed outside. Water was running along the ground, from what I supposed was broken pipes. I sat down near the entrance under a small tree and saw S-sensei come out leaning on U-sensei. Glad they were all right. Still panicked with adrenaline I was just glad we made it out alive. The ground still continued to sway. My leg was soaked with gray mud from tripping into the water that had been streaming around the building. My leg hurt, but I figured nothing was broken. I gripped the bag and opened it, then realized that I had along the way somewhere dropped my purse. And I was shivering. Guess I forgot my coat as well. But again, I was alive, right? Eventually we made it out to the back of the building, since at the front we were too close if the building decided to crumble. Out on the sports field I was still cold, but at least felt a bit safer. The ground continued to sway and tremble and many of the female teachers were freaking out of course. I was thrown someone's jacket to put and sat by S-sensei. And by golly, it started to snow. At least it was a light snow. Teachers who had their cellphones flipped them open only to find they couldn't call anyone of course. After about half an hour we were told we were allowed to dart back inside to grab any belongings. Eager to find my purse with the three things I found I absolutely needed: keys, phone, wallet. Yay. I made my way inside following some teachers and stepped over some cabinets and chairs. Before I made it to my desk though, I managed to fall into a broken tile in the ground that had been covered by papers. Swell. My leg hurt even more after that. But I was more worried about my purse. Throwing papers out of the way from the floor I started to panic that I wouldn't find it. All I could think was that it wasn't there. I even went out into the hallway but didn't see it. And of course, I was afraid that a new earthquake would strike while we were inside. I nearly gave up searching all over my desk and the ones beside it, until finally I crouched down low enough to see part of it sticking out from underneath a pile of papers. Snatching it up, I took a brief look for my water bottle, but it would not be found. On my way out, I realized I would need my coat and after stuttering out a mix of English and Japanese I managed to get the teacher nearby to grab it for me. After making it outside I also flipped out my phone and groaned when I saw the battery signal flashing that it was running out. But I made a quick email to j-chan to let him know that we were all right. I wondered how long it'd be before the news would get to them. Some students also walked over, saying they had been in JUSCO at the time of the earthquake. They wanted to help build the tents for the night, but the teachers told them no. I was at least slightly amused and a little annoyed at their upbeat enthusiasm despite the disaster.

We stayed there until around 4pm, when Kyoutou-sensei announced that we should all try and go home if we could. If we could, to also come back, but it'd be fine if we couldn't. I went around to the front to grab my bike, which rested in the muddy water as if hurt itself. I picked it up, full of clumps of mud and rock. My fingers were freezing, but I managed to walk it home. Taking a look at my apartment as I rounded the corner, it seemed to still be standing which gave me a sense of relief. I figured everything would be fine inside. As I opened the door, the first thing I noticed was that the microwave was on the floor and the wire had snapped. The fridge was open, though luckily nothing had spilled out. On the floor were all my spices and sad to say, my rice cooker which when I picked it up rattled to say it was broken. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about packing it...Inside everything from my shelf had been knocked onto the floor, papers, kitchen stuff and everything else. Luckily, I had sorted the papers I needed earlier and nothing on the floor was anything that I absolutely needed or was of any real value. After checking everything over, I grabbed my laptop and a few other necessities and packed them into my blue tote bag. Then I walked back to school. By then, the tent they had begun building earlier was finished. The light snow that had fallen earlier had become a blizzard. Teacher were bringing out couches from what I assumed were from kouchou-sensei's office. How nice of him. They rolled out insulated mats and started a gas-powered heater. I was offered a place on the couch next to S-sensei and we pulled a blanket over ourselves. Luckily that day, there had been extra sweets brought to the school and those were scattered on the table inside the tent. A few of the teachers had also found an emergency pack of food that was some kind of rice mixture. They offered it to me, but at that point I was more exhausted and still frightened too much to eat. But they insisted and I figured I should. I hadn't yet considered it might be hard to find food later on. The teachers also found batteries for a radio, and I suddenly felt the gravity of the situation hit. As we settled into the night, the ground continued to shake and kyoutou-sensei would announce it like that one would destroy us for sure. Eventually I dozed in and out as the teachers moved around and talked. Late into the night, I heard kyoutou-sensei mention that it was freezing and I was awoken. We were heading to sleep in the cars. What a waste of gas, which I soon realized would also be a problem. But it Was definitely better than freezing to death. I hopped into the car with T-sensei. I was still nervous as the car swayed although she reassured me that everything would be fine. I dozed, glad for the heat of the car, and laughed inside a little when it became too hot. I ran off to do my business and when I came back, I watched the sun rise from the car. Well, that had been a while. First the sky became a pale blue then a bright white-yellow. The glow silhouetted the trees and the roof of a nearby shed. A single star hung, frozen in the sky. T-sensei mentioned how happy she was to see the sun rise. It wasn't until a while later, when I too, felt the same way.

Saturday March 12
I checked my phone for messages and was happy to hear from mom and j-chan. But my batter would soon die, so I kept it off. Later that morning I was told to go back to my apartment and so I did. I organized a little and tossed things into bags and sighed at the thought of having to pay the cleaning and trash fee. Maybe I could get them to waive it, because of the earthquake- well I had no where else to throw it, because the shops I was going to give it away would be closed...so I guess it couldn't be helped. I also packed my suitcase. I cleaned up the spices as well. I helped move a few things out of the teacher's room and there was a brief meeting that let us know there would be no school Monday. There was no lunch, but we nibbled on the snack that had been brought out last night. That night I stayed with S-sensei and kyoutou-sensei and a couple other teachers in the school shed. It was certainly a bit warmer, but not as warm as they claimed, though that's for various petty reasons. That night we snacked on strawberries that a student brought from his family and various other sweets.


Sunday March 13
I woke up at 7 and went back to clean my apartment some more. Also helped clean out the teacher's room a little more. The weather had been nice for the past few days at least, during the day. It also didn't really bother me, going to bathroom outside, though luckily I hadn't eaten enough to do a number 2 yet anyways. Although such a thing, Did bother S-sensei which I found interesting. The Japanese women get embarrassed at the sound of even a number 1. I think we had ramen that night. That night, S-sensei cooked udon with various ingredients. She was good at throwing various ingredients together. I wanted to help, but only really got in the way. It was fine though, as I figured it'd be better for them to appreciate a real sensei. I was never really any good in these situations anyways.

Monday March 14
I felt a little miserable later on, but I can' t really remember why. I think it had something to do with Kouchou-sensei who we were staying with that night. But I was depressed enough to wonder if no one would even care if I just stayed in my apartment. Maybe being alone was better, even if more dangerous. Today, most of the teachers went around to start finding the students. They went via bikes and cars and searched from 10-12:30 ish. Then they came back to report to kyoutou-sensei. I helped move more things out of the teacher's room. I also played with some of the teacher's students, although while it was fun to pretend I was good at it, I was reminded that it was just pretend. I actually suck at it after all.

I also found out that I had running water and made some trips to get it from my apartment for the people there. I was glad I could to that little bit at least, as I was pretty much useless and a child in every other aspect. We stayed in the shed again, but this time I was glad, because I was given more blankets so it really was warm. On the plus side, that night we had the ramen I brought, and with the spices it was great. I started to get used to having soup two meals a day and the rice mixture at lunch. It was better than what many people were having. I also took a look at the newspaper. It showed nothing but terrible news...I also listened to the radio that night, and winced when I heard the names of the dead being announced. Most were older citizens, but a few were not more than 6 years old. Apparently, the roof of a gym had also fallen on many students at a school, and I remembered the teachers saying how grateful they were that ours had gone home just an hour earlier.

Tuesday March 15
I started to get tired of waking up at 7 am, even though we slept at 9pm. I was annoyed at Kyoutou-sensei who woke me up with a loud greeting. I guess he was trying to be nice though, bringing me coffee. Though it was too hot and bitter to drink. That day I went back to my apartment to do a quick wash, god was the water ice-cold, I thought I was gonna die. I went back to find out that everyone I was also told that day that tomorrow I should stay home and rest. For that, I was grateful. I tried doing some laundry today, but the water is so cold and nothing dries when it's this cold with no breeze. I also went home early today, because S-sensei said it was dangerous to be out when it rained, snowed or was windy out because of the nuclear plant that exploded in the next prefecture. As if the earthquakes alone weren't enough to scare the living daylights out of me.

Wednesday March 16
I spent Tuesday night, and today in my apartment. God, was it freezing. Although luckily, as if childhood was coming back to me, I realized that I made enough body heat to not freeze to death as long as I stayed under the covers. Had a weird dream about a strange life-guard interview, something about interpretating paintings that had nothing to do with the job...and about d-chan getting a job at moe burger in japan...o_o Today, all I really did was stay in bed, because it was too cold to do much else. I think I read for most of the day, thanks to S-sensei who lent me the book. I found it terribly ironic that I was reading about a terribly poor, third world country struck with famine and war, and here, I was too, afraid of another earthquake that would strike, this time, bringing down the building...though I got an email from K-san say that the fumes weren't so dangerous at this distance as to cause us any instant harm. So just long-term then, eh?..

I tried to go to the hospital to make sure I couldn't get those tests done, as I had the money thing more or less worked out. I hope the banks and trains are in working order next week when I leave...I really don't want anything else to go wrong...

I realized I'll run out of toilet paper in a few days, and possibly paper towels. Also, I'm nervous about the fact that sewage outback opened up. The level of mucky liquid is so high I'm a bit nervous about it overflowing...and so I try not to flush much. The earthquakes at night still make me nervous. I figured though it's better to hide underneath my desk than to try and run outside. If it Does become dangerous to be outside, I guess it's better to be inside....if the building collapses anyways, it's basically the same as being exposed to the outside...or something. Wish you were here...the night's are terribly long and cold...but I guess it's good you're not at risk here. I feel like an invalid here sometimes, staying in bed all day, because it's too cold to do anything else. And I have nothing to do here...I wish I had more books. The afternoon changed back and forth from a pale blue sky to a wintry gray mix. The wind is fierce, and for the first time, I felt scared of it. If I knew nothing about the modern world, I would certainly think it was the end of it. I played with the cards and the rubik's cube until it got too dark to see.

Thursday, March 17

The power came back on in the middle of the night. I was wondering about that. But the light in my closet and the one at the front snapped on. The first thing I did was turn on the heat, though it took a while to get it going. I also plugged in my phone to charge it. Internet isn't back, but I can live without it for now. This morning I woke up to find a blue sky. It's cloudy now and I think it's still snowing. All I can see is a bright white. The internet and weather seem to work on my phone now. It's supposed to be sunny tomorrow. I can't wait. I was considering going to school to check up on S-sensei and offer her my place to stay tonight if her electricity wasn't back on. But she said she'd be by later, and I don't want to risk going outside if it's dangerous now anyway. I should shower soon and cook something. The warmth from the heater is wonderful. I also charged my ipod- music seems to make things less lonely or scary. I think electricity seems to do that to my world in general. I cut out some pictures of the students from papers I had. I think if not today, then definitely tomorrow, I will go to school, get my bike and the bag of papers as well. Also, I should return that book as well. Wish I had some shows to watch on my computer. But since I re-configured my computer, I don't have those anymore. It's okay though, I'm just thankful for electricity and hope it keeps up. 10 more days to go. Seems like forever...

Was whisked away by the teachers around noon to go to lunch at a nice student's parent's place. The food was plain, but warm at least. Then I was invited to stay at S-sensei's apartment. I didn't mind it, and although there was a medium sized earthquake at her place in the evening and her house that reminded me of a tree house made me nervous, I slept better, not waking all through the night. I feel bad for imposing on her, and ever since Michelle, I've been wary about overstaying my welcome. I also have to be careful about the boundary between acquaintances/ colleagues and friends. The latter which has worked out better if I believe the other person and I aren't. I have to keep reminding myself how many friends have left me for one reason or another, and if my fault was mixed in there somewhere I don't want it to happen again. Anyways, we had a simple pasta dinner at her house after she cleaned her apartment and I read through part of Harry Potter. We showered, watched Tom and Jerry and chatted. It was very much like a home-stay. Although she says she's like my mother, I felt more like she would be my older sister as she is much too young to be my mother haha. But I am a child enough, sad to say, that maybe mother fits better heh...

Friday, March 18

Woke up around 6:30 to the sounds of her getting ready. Breakfast of rice and miso soup, SURPRISE! Lol. Then we headed off to school. I sat through a brief meeting then grabbed my bike (sad to say, my papers were locked in the club shed...though I don't want to bother anyone just to get them from me...as much as I'd like them...) and headed back home. Airing out my room currently (tho it's cold). I put on some laundry and packed my laptop along with some fresh clothes for tomorrow (and Pjs...because god forbid it happen...but hopefully it'll just go away...heeeeh...last thing I wanna do is stain her clothes- i'll have to check that...><) Internet isn't back at the apt, but electricity has remained at least. The other ALTs have left and seems like they might return within next week. I've heard now that the buses might be okay, but the trains might not...wish I could get a straight answer, but I know that's unreasonable to ask right now. Maybe I'll ask J-chan to book a willer express ticket just in case. It can't be more than 100 bucks and I'd be fine paying him back if I don't use it. After all, I have all that money I won't be spending for my trip...though I wonder how pay will be handled. I realized it is indeed pointless for me to be at school because none of the other ALTs are, so either we'll get paid for this month or we won't...So much waiting...

I figured out how to play spoons...wish I had thought of it earlier because now there's pretty much no chance I'll be able to to do it before I leave since everyone's busy.

I'm also trying not to bring too much of my personal stuff to S-sensei's house...since if for whatever reason I'm no longer staying there, I don't want to have to have more than I can carry back...and her place ain't next door that's for sure..

Tho i'll probably miss lunch at school I do have a little bit here to nibble on too. Also bringing what bit of food I have left to her place...Guess I'll get started on throwing out my fridge/freezer food at least...

List of things to do before I leave:

Here:
Wash futon sheets
Sweep room
Wash out fridge/freezer and shower/bathroom
Empty fridge
Try to give away my stuff

Before I leave Japan:
Softbank phone cancel
Bank cancel and traveler's cheques
Train/bus tickets/Narita Hotel (tho these I kinda have to wait for I guess huh...)

Fun time-wasters:
hopefully get a chance to play S-sensei's piano, not that I could play much anyways haha
rubik's cube (god help me but i'm apparently destined not to get more than one side...oh well)
write stories...haha maybe...now that I have my laptop lol.
Read her books/magazines haha
I also really wanted to try and cut out those pics of the students and the school events...but as I said, I haven't been able to get to the stack of papers yet...shoulda brought them with me when I thought of it...oh well...

that's all I can do alone I guess lol...guess next week I'll slowly clean little by little too. I like lists. I guess I'm a list-person...

Wish I could sing too...but I know how much I suck haha...it's too bad I won't get to go to karaoke one more time before I leave too...

Made ramen stir-fry tonight. A lot of it. Was pretty good. :)

Saturday, March 19

Got to sleep in late..at least relatively so. Met S-sensei's friend who was cute and nice. Then we went around town running errands, mostly which included seeing what stores were open and getting some necessities including food. Texted J-chan most of the time though, to the point where I even tripped. I've been using my phone internet a lot lately, even the expensive PC browser...my bill will be so high this month..x_x...tho I hope it stays at the $49 or whatever it was...

Had kimchi tonight. Not that kimchi we had at the restaurant though..this was cold. But spicy, so still good.

Found out after trying to buy a bus ticket that my card was declined..and soon afterwards that none of the reservations I had made had been canceled. Go figure...and That is why I don't like leaving it up to others to take care of. Luckily with internet and a laptop, I managed to get things sorted out, though it won't be in time to buy a bus ticket probably...haaa...

Asked her to do us a favor...was kinda rude she turned us down like that...but it looks like we can work around that. Certainly doesn't make me like her any more than I did that's for sure...

Sunday, March 20

Woke up kinda early again to wait in line at one of the stores nearby. Waited in line for about an hour and a half. S-sensei managed to get a good number of things, but I only walked out with two oranges haha. Been looking for a plunger for my toilet, though luckily it seems to have fixed itself. Must've been low water pressure like I figured.

Found the lyrics to the school song. Yay!...also definitely wanna ask her if I can try out the keyboard. Sadly electricity is expensive as is water...not that I really care too much, since I don't tend to run either carelessly and what's used is used.

Also talked to J-chan via google chat. Was good to talk to him for a while.

Sleepy now though for a bit...kinda wanna nap...still wish I could sing. I hope it doesn't rain though before S-sensei gets back...because I'm afraid to miss it happening and miss taking in the sheets from outside..x_x...I'm sure she wouldn't be too angry, but I'm sure she'd be a bit annoyed....

Monday, March 21

Finally, it seems I was kicked out. Shoulda seen that one coming. I guess I should've expected it, so at least I wouldn't be even a fraction of surprised. Granted, she had a reason, but I still wish she hadn't lied about her condition. If I had known I would've gone home earlier.

And go figure. I finally get home, and the internet seems like it should work. But it doesn't. So I called to the apartment company and guess what? My company apparently ended the contract yesterday so now it'll be impossible for me to access the internet at all. Thanks a lot guys...Because there's Certainly NO chance I might have had to come back here....

And yet, somehow it's indirectly my fault for staying with the teacher anyways. I hate how it's always indirectly my fault...

So now there really is nothing to do. Nothing but walk around the city (and oh, by the way it's supposed to rain, joy.) and clean...of which I can really only do so much of...

I guess I'll be lucky if the water and the electricity don't shut off me because of the ended contract. I'll be fuckin' pissed if that happens. Because basically not only would I be kicked out of the place I was staying at, but I'd have no where else to go. How the hell am I supposed to stay in Furukawa like that?...too bad I can't just say “screw it”...

And on top of that, I didn't buy any food while we were out because I, stupidly, trusted that I'd be with the teacher. We ate most of the good stuff I brought from my apartment, so now all I have left is butter, rice (which I don't really know how to cook in a pot anyways since my rice cooker broke) and pasta. So that's one thing I get to do..stand in line for hours. Again.

I was told that electricity and water would be expensive now..but I don't really care now I guess. What I use, I use, as I said before and now that I've been almost completely screwed over and still have that chance of that happening, fuck that at least. You throw me out of one place and stop basically the only entertainment of the only other place I had left to go and possibly living functions. I'll use what I want while I have it 'cause God knows when that'll disappear on me.

If the other functions stop, no more being nice. I wouldn't mind staying at a hotel or something, but damnit, I'd at least want some compensation to help me out here and I really will say “fuck it” to this situation.

Tuesday, March 22

Tried to work out more transportation and was actually quite thrilled that I managed to get a reservation for a bus. Until later, it dawned on me why I felt like leaving so early in the morning didn't settle well with me and it wasn't just because it was early. I had completely forgotten about the reason why I wanted to leave on that particular date. For the travelers' cheques. Which I am now risking an earthquake to go to Sendai to try and get it sorted out. Because my true sentiments is that it's impossible trying to get a straight answer from anyone. So, the only choice left is to go do it myself. Antsy all night, I headed to bed when it got dark as usual. Impatient as ever, having to wait and deal with frustrating people is the worst for me. The nights have become too long.

Wednesday, March 23

Been thinking lately about my keitai plan. As smart as it would be to switch to prepaid ASAP, I'm trying to push my luck by not doing it till Thursday. Just hoping no huge earthquake will occur. Because with a prepaid, I not only not have my only source of internet (for important info) but I also have a limit on calling and sending messages. Woke up at 5:30 am this morning. That's gotta be a record. Several pretty decent sized earthquakes have already occurred...not making me feel better about this trip to the big City....

Doing probably what will be my last load of wash, since the futon stuff has to have time to dry. The kyuudou ppl will come by tonight to say good-bye. Which reminded me, I really ought to go to school on Thurs (if Fri is impossible) and properly say my thanks and good-byes. As much as I hate long ones.

Hoping I can get rid of my stuff by giving it away rather than throwing it out. I'm not sure that throwing out 5 bags of clothes will fly with the trash ppl...

Might also have to give away my rice cooker.... :( we'll see though.

That's about it. Internet on the comp still doesn't work. Which reminds me, as my fb status said...I now have a long list of ppl in japan alone who probably dislike me very much, which include the S-sensei and T-sensei and my coordinator. Well...at least there's no sentiments about leaving anyone behind. I suppose it's cold of me... but I've learned once again that ppl probably really care either way if I'm here or not. I realized why it angered me when S-sensei lied about being okay. I wondered if she was just trying to look good in front of the teachers and it certainly worked. Even though I had already said thank you so many times, I was told to again. They really look out for each other. And I realized feelings I hadn't noticed before. I could never really have been considered even close to their “inner circle” of sorts. But I also realized it'd be vain of me to think I could reach that status. But I hated even more that if the case was just to look good, to make me seem like the burden. And that I was to bow and say thank you anyway. I refuse to be such and would rather be treated coldly outright. Shoulda seen it coming.

And also, the ppl from the company who say they worry so much, esp my coordinator, don't really seem to care how I'm doing. Only if I'm dead or not. But that figures as well. That's the other thing I won't miss besides the earthquakes. The superficial can't show your real feelings ppl around here.

In any case here goes. Hoping I can find another way to get to Tokyo/Narita and that the travelers' cheques work out. I decided that I might have to give up my last paycheck to walk away with what I've managed to save....sad...but...maybe there's no other way.

After walking around all day, I managed to get some answers from the bank as well as book a new bus ticket that might let me get the bank stuff done!

Met with the kyuudou ppl and took some pics. Gave them my address, though since its my home one, I doubt I'll receive their letters heh....

Thursday, March 24

Went to school early to meet with the teachers and say my good-byes. Had to give a short speech in Japanese...ack...was so nervous...but then I went, just like that. I felt like most of them didn't really care either way. But that made good-bye easier for me at least.

(Thank goodness, too I was able to get the papers- tho not many pics came from it. Also returned the cards.)

Spent the rest of the day running errands. Cancelled my phone account and got prepaid, after having more language fails (Lame I still haven't gotten good at Japanese ><) and $250 later. Also ran to the bank to draw out more money.

Then went around taking pics of the elementary schools and the fish at that place near City Hall. Also visited the the shop, and bought loads of candy (spent way too much...heeeeh...)

Haven't eaten more than one meal a day recently..and been running around on my bike...too bad I can't lose weight this way haha.

Spent the rest of the day cleaning. Met up with the other ALT and gave away some stuff. Also gave more stuff away at school and yet more stuff to a T-chan. Good thing I only had to throw away some things. Sad, though, I feel so bad throwing out things that can still be used, like the kitchen stuff and clothes...when there are ppl who could use them.... ><

Friday, March 25th

Woke up at 3 AM, swept, rolled up my futon stuff, and took a last wipe through my apartment floor. Checked everything and took pics for records. Then headed out just as the dawn light came through. As I walked, I did say good-bye to everything, and I felt like it was de-ja-vu...though I couldn’t' remember where from.

I think I almost felt compelled to cry. Almost...

Boarded the bus at 6 am and rode to the big City. It was so cold this morning!

Amusingly enough, some ppl asked me directions. Guess the Japanese really Can't tell the difference between Asians lol.

I walked the routes from the bank to the bus stop.

Adrenaline rushing through me I managed to get the cheques and my bank account closed! Was so happy about the success. And even made it to the bus with a few minutes to spare!

Got a note from M-chan...reminded me that it was really too bad we couldn't meet up...funny tho, Y-kun never messaged me back after the one I sent out...but I guess that makes that one less good-bye too...

Said good-bye to the city and took some video as we left...ah those country rice fields...lol.

In any case, from the bus to Tokyo station I wandered, lost as usual, and it is a total lie that the Japanese at every major station speak English. That is all. XP

Luckily enough though, I got some help from some Japanese people who could speak English. Lucky!

Took the airport limousine to the airport. Bought a bag and with a bit of looking like an idiot, booked a hotel ticket.

Waited for the bus, and had a spongebob bus moment, where I was told the next bus came in 3 minutes...(aaaand there it goes, I thought...)

Managed to somehow catch the next bus, by chance though and made it to the hotel.

And with my luck wandered back and forth through the lobby trying to figure out where my room was...

Managed to find it, repacked both suitcases. Wish I could buy more stuff...but I really wanna save it as a present..shhhh... :) Also, can't really fit more stuff anyways...as much as I really wanted some cool clothes...We'll see what I can fit I guess haha....

Anyways. Guess that's it. Latest i've stayed up recently, since my schedule has generally been, sleep at 8pm wake up at 6 am for various reasons.

Oh, recent aftershock today..and what a shock it was...pretty scary too up here on the 10th floor... ><

Got some omiyage. Really considering the giant pocky...but....really shouldn't for lack of space...and I wanna see if there might be anything else at the airport tomorrow...

Drinking warm water..used to hate it...think it's because of all the tea i've had lately...-_-'

Maybe one more post before I leave tomorrow...we'll see if I manage to sleep in. Lol.

Ps. fucked up dreams the other nights...heeeeh....the subconscious is truly a twisted thing...

i've been really bad at this...

but i guess lots of things dont turn out how i wish they would...even if it's mostly my fault. i wrote this by hand at first, so i'll just copy for now...

as for japan itself, there's only 2 full weeks left. i'll try to take pictures. but there's a scramble to get things done before i leave. and the list will only get longer... -_-'

sorry that it's been a while. it's only a month now till my time here is over and I've only written a fraction of what i hoped to write. go figure..recent happenings have luckily been not much. i guess we'll just go with what pops up.

first, i must be fighting off getting sick as my throats dry even when i drink water and recently upon waking it's been sore, though generally gets better by the time i leave for work. maybe it's dehydration after all...who knows...been thinking about cough drops but mostly i've been doing tea.. well sort of. and sleeping tons, even to the point of skipping meals (bad me..) -_-'

still haven't managed to get the medical stuff done, but that's mostly forgetting when i have the chance and being lazy because it's cold out and far away...and requires struggling with using japanese....tho i know i should do it here cause itd be far cheaper than in america...

and just when i thought the weather was getting better it snowed. not much, but still..x_x where the beautiful march weather?

i really have been down on enthusiasm and energy and its probably a vicious cycle....but its not like i'm terribly depressed all the time at least.

this weekend will be my final kyuudou competition and i just hope i dont get embarrassed like last time...

i found out that some foods have to be eaten right away. like strawberries. and bread (once it's opened).

weird dreams lately, but that's rather normal actually...and nothing too outrageous at least. the normal fantasy creatures and battling tension with persona relationships...

as for leaving, i did decide it, even if it was for the wrong reasons. def can't change my mind now...my only regrets are the stuff i could've seen, the festivals and school events...which are apparently all better than the ones that happened during my semesters..go figure about that too. x_x..

but all that aside, there wasn't much for me here. i gotta wake up from the dream that's starting to fade anyway. i learned again that personal relationships i try to make end up being weak. it really is better for me to not fall in love...even just as friends. so while i might be leaving ppl behind, i'm not choked up or anything. and even if the city did change, it's not like my inability to maintain friends would...or actually gain a meaningful relationship. maybe one day, if i have nothing left in the states, i'll come back. back to where this dream left off.

i recently watched AIR. Definitely one of the saddest, if not THE saddest moments in anime I've seen yet. Up till then it'd been the ending scene in Chrono Crusade. But this def took it's place. The girl, who has an uncontrollable crying attack every time she's about to make friends with someone is left behind.

"I was all alone until now. It'll be the same starting tomorrow. In the end, even
if i try my best, i just cause other people trouble, and nothing good ever happens.
i should have just kept on given up like before...without loving anyone.

i'll go to sleep. i don't care if i never wake up. "

i don't like sentimental anime. but this really touched me...loneliness is a big theme in a lot of anime...but this one really hit me. crying, kicking things and hitting things...i've been there. loneliness does can do that to you i guess...

i still want to try to do my best to get things resolved...but even if somehow it worked out the way i wish it would..i realized i'd have to choose. between being a good person i can respect....and chasing after my own happiness. and that..i dont think i could choose...

"the person you love...their happiness is supposed to be more important than yours right?...and when they leave, you just have to bear it...."

even the two reasons why i decided to go back...even they don't have a good chance of working out...i'm sure there will be lots of feelings of emptiness, pain, sadness, loneliness and crying ahead. i don't understand either of you...both of you are on a diff path than me...and while those paths may run side by side for a little while, i can see where they'd part...

why am i doing this again?..

wouldn't it be nice...if i could float in a dream of summer for the rest of my life..? somehow, i wouldn't mind if i disappeared...i'm tired, and i know it's selfish...but...maybe that's just who i am.

i realized maybe i'm not cut out for personal relationships. there really isn't one good thing about me after all...so maybe it's good i can't seem to make and keep friends...

i thought about singing...even if i did learn the guitar...maybe i'd just be playing for myself..and while that might not be a bad thing, i can't help but think it might be covered in loneliness, even if what i make is something beautiful.

it's only now that i see i should've stayed...but i can always come back...i can always fall asleep into the blissful, selfish ignorance of my dreams...

and maybe...in order to start a fresh dream...i Have to feel truly alone...

maybe one can't truly obtain freedom and happiness. because happiness is only fleeting. and maybe true freedom is a lonely place to be...

..let that be enough...

"I wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows she's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough"

I really don't know what to do anymore...so many reasons to stay, so many to go back. But to go back, only one reason that makes me want to go back of my own will. And that was to see you. Because I saw fun times ahead of us...

But if it means being stuck again, and at least for 2 months it seems that way, i can't do it. I know it's selfish, i know it's wrong...but i can't do it.

I recently had several dreams all about not wanting to go home...though they're dreams they're based on my experiences...and that stress is very real. I'm scared and that fear is like a fight for survival. And I don't want it to happen at any cost.

I want to continue to be able to live on my own. I want to continue being able to be selfish...even though such a choice would cost me a lot..and not just in money...

I wanted to see where I could stand on my own strength. Maybe it's not completely on my own strength, but in many ways it is. Despite the job ticks, a few mishaps and the general loneliness, I've actually relatively enjoyed my life here. It's peaceful, I can be myself, I'm able to live quite comfortably...and most importantly I have this freedom.

On my own strength...

There's no one to talk to now. The decision has to be made by me.

Battling it out here seems like a better option than doing it back at home...

But if i were to give up everything, for selfish freedom...if i were to sell my heart just to live in peace a little longer...would it be worth it?

Is it so wrong...to want to be able to hold onto this little bit of peace I've found?

I want to say I have no regrets...I want to reach up towards the bright blue sky, despite my tears, and say I don't mind anymore...not to have friends or a lover...to give up dreams and adventure...I don't mind being tired...I don't mind not having energy...I just want this peace...

I don't know how you feel about me...but...

I miss you.

You'd think I'd be use to having my life or at least bits of it be crumbling apart..not being able to find my way...

But I don't want to go home...I don't want to be back to where i was at 17...in my dark corner, wondering if I'd live to see another day...

I'm sorry...

running out of steam for life...

i swear this rant about my mind will come into play later.

sometimes i think that if i could be re-born, i'd like to be born without feelings. because i show my feelings too much. for whatever reason, it's so hard to hide. mostly when i'm angry or sad or just generally upset. sometimes it's all i can do to not cry or scream, and yet it still shows on my face...i think it's why i tend to like the female characters who are always calmly composed. the ones who don't show their feelings easy and who just flow through life, sometimes bored, sometimes amused, often sad, but never making a big deal out of being alone. sometimes, i think, instead of wanting to burst into tears, i'd rather simply think "people are hard to understand" and leave it at that. i suppose i have become the kind of person who'd rather not feel anything at all...

as to how this relates, i've been thinking, as usual a lot about what to do about deciding if i should stay in japan or go back. i feel like i want to try again and do better because i have another chance here. but...i also realize i'm not really cut out for this job at all...another issue that came up was that, if i go back and it doesn't work out then i won't have another option. but if i stay, i can always go back..as much as a recommendation letter would be nice, it's not like it'd help me get a really great job anyways...

i almost quit kyuudou today. there was a competition, and i was already not feeling great, tired, and a bit dizzy. on top of that there was a style tweak to shooting that i didn't know about until the competition started...ps. i forgot how much the sitting style hurts my feet...haaaa..

but...what really got me was that i messed up. a lot...not only did i drop two arrows, but i made several mistakes in the walking and sitting. and whether or not they were actually laughing at me, it certainly felt like they were...and where i wanted to think "people are hard to understand" but instead actually wanted to cry, was between hearing them laugh while i was making the mistakes, and them offering me food and drink...

i dont get people. i don't get how they can laugh at you one minute, and be kind to you the next. but i guess that's how they are.

to top it off, the doctor guy who's against fluoridating the water (a diff topic in itself), came to take pictures of my teeth. so as if i wasn't already humiliated enough, i got my mouth stretched out so he could take pictures. but luckily at that point, i wasn't even really angry anymore...just tired from fighting my anger...

but for a while all i could think about was how i wanted to go home. i didn't care that i wasn't shooting correctly and that i was tense. of course i was tense...and being in the japanese society, i couldn't say something was bothering me. only smile and say "nope, nothing's wrong."

i wish, someday i could become someone who doesn't show her feelings so easily. or someone who doesn't feel at all...

i didn't cry, though i came close. i hit the target twice at least, and thanks to that i didn't come in last. and...the guy ended up taking a video and pics of me shooting, though i didn't realize it so i'm sure i had bad form and looked horrible..but it was a nice gesture from him at at least...

i won't be able to perform one song i really wanted too because y-chan can't find the guitar music...though i don't know why he doesn't just play by ear..that's how i've always "learned" songs. i wonder if i'm cut out for this too, since i'm terrible in front of an audience, and on top of that i'll have to talk in japanese...and as lame as it is, tap a tambourine while singing...(eek really...?.... -_-)

i tried exercising a little by dancing, but yappari, it's impossible since i can't play music from my laptop without "disturbing the fucking "wa"...sometimes i feel like to kill my loneliness or depression to just run myself ragged...but i know that doesn't work. i prefer being lazy and sleeping in my free time...though that doesn't really work either...i'd been trying to be careful about what i eat too..but i guess in the end, i'll just be fat either way. -_-'

i haven't really been talking much to either of you. one, because u never get up early enough, for this or that a reason...and two, because well..u seem to have a habit of talking to my plenty after i dont talk to u for a lengthy period of time, and then going back to ur original self of basically ignoring me or saying nothing but "mmhm" "okay" or "yeah"...i guess it shouldn't really bother me as you both have, as you should, your own lives to live. it'd b selfish and childish to feel lonely because of that. i hate that stupid desire to say "why aren't you paying attention to me?" -_-'....

to interject with a random thought, i recently am watching an anime about a young woman who turns into a child and a child who turns into a young woman. if that happened to me, turning back into a child, i suppose it'd be difficult figuring out a way to survive and live. but on the plus side, i think i wouldn't really mind it. to be carefree once again and not worry too much about "adult" problems...maybe i'd try and make it to an empty beach or unpopulated mountain. well, at least get as far as i can anyways...it was suggested that one might lose one's sense of identity, which is scary i suppose...but at this point it's not really something that's important to me...or something...

valentine's day. coming soon...i kinda wanted to get y-chan something, but it can't be chocolate as i dont want him getting the wrong idea...i'd kinda been thinking about love and serious relationships a little...but i guess i'm giving up for the foreseeable future. yes, life might be fun with someone beside it, but i don't want to be someone who needs it anymore...

"If I keep on staying around you, I'll just come to rely on you again. Then before I know it, I won't be able to do anything without you. I love you. You're my best friend. But I hate the me who depends on you. I hate the me who has to rely on you. That's why I won't chase you around anymore. I'm going to do my best to become someone who doesn't have to rely on you. But...you have to become someone I can be even more proud of. And...no matter how far apart we are, we'll still be best friends."

It would be nice if i could be that strong but...in reality i'm most true to myself when i'm being emotional..somehow, even though that makes me weak..but for now, i really have no other reaction to knowing that than to sigh...and say...i guess i don't care anymore...

i guess that's it...to sum it up: i'm running of out steam. for life...

it's been too long..x_x

so much for trying to have a blog where i update every day...go figure lol.

let's see...what's been up recently?. um...well, i've been presented the decision to stay in japan or go back to america. at first i was leaning towards staying in japan, because well, i do like it...and i'd have more than i'd probably have in america, in terms of a job. basically the feeling there i guess was that i didn't want the adventure to end quite yet.

but then i realized that it'd cost more to pay for a plane ticket to go to america then back to japan for blood and kidney tests...more than i have savings, or at least all that i managed to save..which would suck like hell..

but maybe, i'm looking for an excuse. maybe...

somehow i caved like always and talked to d-chan...and the more i talked to him about it, the more my excuses sounded more like just that. excuses and not reasons...

but more about that later. i should get back into japan.

a few reasons why i also thought i should go back are little things about my job that tick me off (and f-u for saying "that's how it is with all jobs, 'cause like u'd understand). basically like, i slept in by accident, still managed to get to school by the time classes started, and was Still chided by the scary vice principal..thinking i didn't get to school on time because i overslept because i didn't get to bed on time and it takes a long time to get to school. but it's not that...its just that i forgot to set my alarm (which i still guess is my fault but still)...what really ticked me off was that i couldn't say anything. and plus the usual...that goody-two-shoes "i know everything about english" assistant teacher..god...he's so annoying...the silent power struggle is ridiculous.

plus the other stuff. about saying i'm not doing enough, yet even when i ask, the teachers say the lessons are already done and don't need my help. or they're yabber in japanese then relay the plan to me...and esp with that assistant there, i doubt he'd accept any of my plans...haaa..

plus, the small, but irritating criticism about not pronouncing clearly, god dammit, i pronounce so clearly that the words don't even sound natural. and fuck whatever they think, i refuse to pronounce the words in katakana...that's just so fucking stupid...

in any case the next sections will go hand in hand. first, that i'm just not sure i can deal with the stupid school system and the hush hush attitude of the japanese...in just about every aspect here, i have to go completely against the way i think. which is to voice my opinions and emotions strongly. i dont know since when i've been like that, but i just feel like i'm true to myself when i'm like that. and for sure hell, its gotten me into lots of trouble..heh...but here in many aspects i'm told to suppress my desires and emotions. in kyuudou and in my job...to not let it show under any circumstances...even though i def see the other teachers snap once in a while...its interesting because it's kinda like what j-chan talked about..not being able to express how you feel because you'll be seen as petty...oh well...

so i'm thinking many i should just ask for a recommendation letter and run with it. run with the money i've saved up and the good words about me and see what i can do from there. am i satisfied? i guess...

plus, recently, another goal fulfillment has come into sight. i've been offered a chance to perform live. which would be great...i do hope it goes well (i'm still not sure about the songs i chose, and wish i could do one i wrote (tho i've always come up with shitty stuff when i have), but...). and even so, i think becoming the famous singer is a bit beyond my dreams, but i guess it's okay, maybe it's not really what i want or would make me happy anyways...but i think how i feel after that, i'll be able to send my response to the company about whether i want to stay or not. but as of now i guess i'll go back. if i stay...i'll feel like the dream i was so enjoying would be ending and become my cold world again. and i really really don't want that...so...yeah....i dont know. something like that.

but is that the real reason? and now i get back to what i said "i'd get back to later" up above. once again, i guess i'll be making a decision because of a guy..or guys rather this time. but...i guess i shouldn't let myself run away from that any longer. and complete my original plan as well..planned. to make the visits one after another...to see m-chan, then d-chan, then finally come back to j-chan...and hopefully by then i'll have completed my journey. and feel like i'm coming back home. i just hope i have the strength and courage to complete that part of the journey too.

i've been thinking about what to say to you...i have all these scenes and images in my head...and i might even even be able to decide, and just do what i'll do on the spot...but in any case that might be even a little more private than what i can post...and i guess i don't want any spoilers for sure...heh. so that's it. all i can say is that hopefully i'll be able to bow out with true gratitude. if it really will be the end. and at least that's the very least i want. to a 3+ year long battle with these feelings...and it's okay if i can't do it without sacrificing my dignity at first, because as i said before, shouting all my feelings from the heart is when i feel most like myself...

anyways as for the rest...i think i've given up on my social life for now. i've only two more months here and no one can seem to make time for me..selfish sounding i know but it's how i feel. it's true and that's all. i guess i'll keep asking, but it's not like i expect them to say yes anymore. basically..i just gotta keep thinking i don't mind...i don't mind...

to deviate deeper into my heart again, (sorry!), it's silly 'cause i know what the right decision is most of the time, even though really it's what you want and what u think will make you happy that matters...to stay in japan would be the right decision. and to chose you would be the right decision. but i'll choose the decision where i can speak out the most and make my feelings known. which is why it'll probably be to go back. and as for the 2nd...it's not that i'm being tied to you. it's not pity and it's not that i'd be settling either. when the outcome becomes clear, it'll truly feel like the right decision.

on a similar note, it's silly to think that i can only live with one person and not need anyone else...but maybe it's possible. i pretty much did it for so long before without realizing it lol...but you're right. we can't pretend to be in love or try to force it. because if we try and turn it into something its not then it'll just fall apart faster...so for now..we'll just go on as we have. and that kind of life of comfort and friendship is the one that to me, is worth going back for.

even if it's a life tinged with sadness or loneliness or emptiness, if it's peaceful i suppose then it's all right. then i really don't mind. because maybe that's enough. i'll karaoke as much as possible and drag myself to kyuudou in the cold as many times as possible and keep asking people to hang out. i'll put everything i've got into lesson plans and do my best to subdue my feelings. so that when it's over..i won't have any regrets...

but for closure and home, maybe it's time...?

random bits...

k, just wanted to get this down. about my dream the other night..and so many conclusions could be drawn i suppose...but anyhow here goes. basically it was a mixture of the Pocahontas "colors of the wind" scenes mixed with the Fantasia 2000 piece with the volcano phoenix and nature girl. was cooler in my dream i swear :P basically, it started out in the Fantasia 2000 scene with a world of darkness and ash, and I guess I was Pocahontas and singing her song and all. And then a blond guy stood beside me, tho who it was exactly duno...in any case, the ending of the song came and i tapped the branch/staff thing she carried into the ground and the world of ash became a bright and beautiful green world, the trees began to grow and so did the grass. Was pretty cool, for as lame as it sounds in writing..the whole thing was pretty weird considering i hadn't seen either films in years...but as for conclusions, maybe it had to do with the fact that i was bothered part of the night, restless in bed, and mentally tossing and turning about what else but love.

once again i feel like i'm nearing another great turning point of my life. do i stay or do i go? do i risk it all for a guy? do i possibly make the same mistake i did before, excusing it by saying i'm not in love? am i really not in love or am i? am i really allowed to be that selfish to claim u for myself when my feelings aren't "pure"? am i just lonely? is it still that we're not in love, but just that, i don't wanna be lonely, and you want a friend? if we're not in love, why do you always act that way whenever you're around me? this is the kind of scene where i turn chibi and pull at my hair in frustration with giant sweatdrops everywhere...(ironically, i have to say, wow. because for once it's not about the "you" i generally refer to..., tho those thoughts have been here and there too...like, with you it's frustrating and painful to be around you, even if i were to go back, it would just be too much hard work and all it'd accomplish is you wishing i wasn't there...ugh...yet another previous rant...) actually...i feel like either way, it doesn't feel like a complete kind of love....one is calm, eagerly supportive and makes me feel comfortable...but the other occupies my thoughts, makes me feel both ends of the spectrum to the fullest and always draws my heart, thumping wildly back to it...even in my dreams...

have i mentioned, i'm tired?..........-_-'

basically as usual, i don't really know. who i love, if anyone, anymore, if i can even really handle a relationship. it might be fine to "decide" what will make you happy, but you know...i really can't know for sure until something happens..or at least until i make the decision where something Will happen...

but i guess i'll put that aside for now. onto japan-ish related stuff...

i've been trying to be a bit more comfortable around the students, but it seems like i'm just scaring off the deer, esp the male ones...oh dear..heeeeeh..

i still dont even know what i'm supposed to talk about to them. i'm still not even sure i'm cut out for this job, which doesn't help me fall in one direction or another. kah...

i wondered a few times actually, if even tho the school said they'd be fine with me as an ALT for next year, if they really just meant "she's okay, not great, but not awful, so good enough." a gamble on their part too, but i guess they're smart enough and to settle for "okay"...and know not to hope for too much....whereas i can never seem to just be okay with "okay"...haaa...

while making the but cheap, good luck charms, i was thinking about how my kyuudou sensei wasn't exactly thrilled about the one i spent so long to make her...and remembered that not everyone is instantly appreciative of the things i make them (as vain as that sounds, but not sure how else to word it... -_-'). so i kinda figure i shouldn't put that much effort into it. not even sure if they'll even like it...but anyways back to my original thought. so i was thinking that i'm not even sure what i else i can do, what little of it i can do in the first place, and i certainly have no confidence in myself, so a small bit of me was happy (until i remembered that not everyone appreciates it...) of being able to support them. and since i cant express myself well in words to people, by small, physical gifts of support. tho as i said, i'm not even sure i'll give it to them. i guess i'm that easily set back...heh..well that was a jumbled mess of thoughts...good luck trying to figure that out..

anyhow, i've realized a few random things in the past few days. one, that i've lost my appetite for the most part or at least i'm not eating as much.

second, i really wanna sing sometimes...but karaoke doesn't really appeal to me as much as it use to...because going alone is lame, but i can't bother anyone with dragging them along... -_-' not that they seem to want to anyways..but that's been a previous rant. on a sub-rant, i guess quitting guitar club makes me feel like i'm giving up on that dream too...but tbh its not like i had the motivation for it anyways -_-' and on a sub-sub rant, i finally tried to find the clubs today and those specific clubs, no one showed up at the designated spot...(that deserves yet another -_-')

third, i've been sleeping earlier than usual, as in during and before break heh. duno why that is. could be a lack of you, so the boredom has left little else but to sleep. too bad it doesn't help me feel less tired in the mornings...

i dont really know how to describe it other than how i have already. that this has kinda felt like a dream...and now it's coming to an end, even if i were to stay longer. gah i dont know....

i do kinda wanna go back, but..it's not hell here either.

i just wanna be able to be in a place where i can sleep as much as i want and listen to music and wear cute and pretty dresses and do archery at leisure and sing without annoying anyone and just be comfortable and not feel like i'm missing something or needing something i just can't have or sacrificing something for something else or gambling one thing for another...

but i guess that's life, huh....

guess that's it for now...

this week..

yay! this week j-chan came to visit again. slept, and cleaned sunday then picked up j-chan, who somehow got my number wrong :P luckily my senses told me i should head out anyways and managed to get there right when he did. how lucky lol. we went to karaoke sunday, although it kinda turned out to be a dud, since he didn't know much songs, and being me, i was pretty stupidly impatient...oh well the udon was probably the best part lol, though i was disappointed by the icky pastas...heeeh...anyways, my room was full of stuffs, as it tends to when i have long-stay certain male friend visitors but oh well :P

school started back up, and i slipped out of clubs this week, although i did get chided for it..x_x also missed kyuudou practice last night...heeeh...oh well, if i gotta sin, might as well boldy, right? :P anyways moving on.

the week was pretty standard. school during the day, hang out with j-chan at night. cooked food, watched anime, twas fun. :) and kyuudou was okay, at least it was a bit more exciting wed night. fri night had a really damp atmosphere tho, as if everyone was kinda trying to avoid me...and no good-bye's or take cares either.. o_o'

moving on though, fri night, we had some fun, although apparently i've got some more work to do on u j-chan, XP sat night there was some depression floating around..and by god, it sucked trying to be strong for u XP i wonder if u realized it, and i do apologize for seeming to be insensitive. but i dont handle those situations well either. esp when every options seems wrong or enabling...stupid...for making me worry...i don't really want those kind of soft feelings...i Am sorry for having a weak, susceptible heart like that though. saying "i don't care" is one thing, but meaning it is another...heeh...-_-'

anyways, i did buy some food (tho i shouldn't have, kya..money) to keep me comfort lol. guess i'll just chill today, since i dont have anywhere i need ta go. will start up clubs again next week..maybe i'll do a one club per week type a thing...guess i'll ask the head english teacher.

oh ya, on a random note, i got caught in a snowball fight which nearly killed my bare hands with the cold, but it's fine, right? all to loosen up with the kids. :)

anyways, got an unexpected visit from the boss, ka...i always get tense when he comes to talk to me...haa...but apparently i'm wanted here for next year, although, tbh, i'm starting to want to go back now...my only issue is needing a job back in the states...otherwise staying would really be the best option after all...something to think about i guess. i don't really mind teaching, except for that one school which doesn't seem to like me either.

oh, also bought a few new clothes, two shirts and a skirt, haa...spent money on boring, ugly clothes. but i guess anything that's not a black, gray or white sweater, turtle-neck or blazer is considered sexy. stupid....-_-'

guess that's it. ive got a bit to clean up but i'll do that in time. got plenty of it today....

kyuudou

i don't really remember much...shoulda written it down earlier. in any case here's what i do.

it was a really cold day. still some snow on the ground. and yay for waking up early on a saturday. i also remember feeling a little ill, which riding in the car certainly didn't help with..x_x it didn't take long to get there, and i keep being surprised, despite the fact that relatively speaking, japan isn't that big, and i guess when people name different cities, i tend to think of places that must be far away.

aaanyways, so we get there and it kinda looks like a small school or something, or at least the dojo was behind a relatively big building. there were women preparing soup i guess out front too.

so first i got into my kyuudou wear, which to my embarrassment, needed help with...also because it embarrassed my kyuudou sensei as well, haa..so that was not fun. then there was an opening ceremony in the gym. i was told we'd be on TV, like That was supposed to make me excited. It wasn't even 9 AM and I had already made mistakes, probably some i dont even really remember. so some guys in suits spoke, while some other guys sat behind them. it looked like there was kendo, judo and kyuudou groups there. pretty cool i guess heh.

anwyays, so we headed back to the kyuudou dojo, which had an small entrance hall. to the left had traditional japanese style changing rooms for guys and girls to the left as well as a small kitchen, and through a plastic curtain was the open floor for shooting. there were also two old-style heaters, which everyone tended to crowed around. we took some group photos and watched a demonstration, and god help me to remember it...i certainly had no idea, but i did what i could. while people starting shooting in their groups, i got dragged to practice against the straw targets, which i sucked at, and even dropped the arrow. from that point on, i decided i didn't care if i hit the target, just don't let me drop the arrow as that would be far more embarrassing..ka...

(oh somehow it got around that i was american, so i heard the typical japanese "no way!" reaction and one guy even spoke some english "i'm cold" heeeh..i realized only afterwards it was wrong for me to laugh..x_x major oopsie...)

first we did the sitting style, zasha, i guess. i missed the targets completely. but my wish came true, i didn't drop any arrows at all, though i did get scolded for my technique. go figure. not to mention i was so nervous that i certainly didn't walk in and out properly and my legs were shaking the whole time. however, i did manage to hit the target 4 times at least, even if 4 points was all i got XP. I did do better than that one kid, who said he didn't hit them at all...i guess :P anyways, there were 4 rounds all together, the first, the sitting style, the rest, just free shooting the 4 arrows in groups. fairly picturesque of kyuudou competitions, although it was hella windy outside. and cold of course. (tho not So cold as to whine about it, as it seems certain ppl tended to do..-_-')

so between shooting times, and around noon we had lunch. which consisted of the boiled down vegetable soup and a bento box. oh ya, that was the other thing that i messed up with. i managed to somehow lose my 100 yen coin, so what i had counted out at as 500 that i needed, i no longer had and well, looked like an even bigger helpless idiot...haaa..anyways back to lunch. had its basic rice, salmon, meatballs and a few other assorted foods...but that wasn't the uncomfortable part. to be polite, and i wondered if i coulda just sat normally, but i certainly didn't need to be scolded anymore x_x, i sat the whole time with my legs under me..and jesus did that nearly kill my legs..x_x on top of that, yay, i was gassy for some reason, which just added to my nervousness and discomfort.

anyways, we packed up pretty soon and finally after what seemed like forever, though it was only around 4 or so, we left (after waiting forever for y-sensei to get a contact info from one of the dojo's senseis..haa)

anyways that's about it. :) next entry, about this week keeeh...

..wow two in one day...

this again, will have nothing really to do with japan..but it's been on my mind for a while..

I've thought many times about writing a story. Your basic love sob story...basically. I've always been partial the diary style of writing. And for some reason these images really stick out in my mind...much like the image of the intro to peach girl...Something like this:

"I watched your face. The one that was crying, knowing any moment the train would all too soon pull me away, too fast to see my face even shrink away. The mouth that spoke without sound. But I could hear the words through the cellphone pressed tightly against my ear. I remember the snow that blew wildly outside, the snowflakes that certainly only belonged in a dream...

And finally the train lurched back. But this would not be like any other good-bye. If I had known it would've been the last time I'd see you, I would never have hung up. If I had known...I would've reached out and kept waving until I had no more strength left. I would've understood the feelings you felt behind those tears. And I would've cried so much harder."

Or maybe something like this...

"I watched your hand wave back and forth slowly, reaching out the car window as you drove up and over that hill. Watching you disappear while I couldn't follow you was so painful. I remember you said that it was painful for you too, to drive away and leave me behind. And it would only become more painful for the both of us as we continued to love each other..."

Or something like this...

"I remember waking up to the distinct warm scent of the dark red sheets I had gently entangled myself in. The light was dazzling, streaming in softly through the blinds. And there by the bedside, were the small red berries in a glass bowl. Back then I probably teased you, didn't I? But memories such as that, are ones I reach for, in vain now, as I write here late at night...and ones that are dusted with sadness and only seem as tangible as reality as they drift in and out in my dreams..."

Nantoka....Something like that.

Recently, I've become re-infatuated with the character Kikyo. Not that I'm in love with her. Just that I quite admire her and empathize with her quite a great deal. In the end, she still loved Inuyasha. Even though fate tore them apart, she accepted it. And she disappeared with a final smile.

"Even though you were the first person I loved, I couldn't save you."

"You came for me. That's enough."

I wonder if there's something new that's tied me to her. I like that character, because maybe I'm fated to a similar end as her. Or something.

I've been obsessed with the thought of love and relationships lately. Maybe it's because I spend too much time in this room. But that's all I seem to look at. It's silly though...because even with the thought of a new relationship or dating, my heart's just not into it. Not enough to let go, but not enough to fight either. For something old OR something new...

Because...what could I possibly do?...

Whenever I read or watch a girl who's in love with a guy, I understand. So much. Because I can understand wanting to be by his side. Wanting to wrap yourself in his scent...wanting to hold onto his waist and never let go. I understand wanting to be protected by him and protect him in turn. I understand...not needing expensive gifts or vows or anything of the sort. Of only wanting time. To be with him...

But...what could I possibly do?

Is there no seal which can hide you away from me? Nothing that can make me forget the countless memories? It's not that remembering you is painful, it's knowing your indifference. And I feel that I'm slowly become cold and indifferent myself. And even here, halfway around the world, lingering memories of you appear...

Is this what it's like to be trapped within your own heart?

I read that one either controls one's feelings or those feelings overcome them. The latter is certainly true for me...I've always thought I'm strong against anything, but against this...I'm weak. My heart is weak...because inside of it, I'm still crying.

I know I shouldn't see you. Because if I did, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd probably never want to leave. They say that when you love someone, your love is tied with theirs. But my happiness is no longer tied with yours. Because it seems, your happiness is my sadness...and my happiness...can't exist anymore.

Part of me thought today, that if I did see you I'd have to act cold and reasonable. I'd have to say something like "I don't care anymore. I loved you...I really really loved you. But being like that, I lost all respect for myself. And you're not worth it. I can't live like that."

If only...

One person shouldn't be the sole reason for your will...your strength...your happiness...your reason for living...even i've come to sneer on that...because it's only practical to discard such feelings...and yet....

It's not that I don't love you. It's that, I have to stop letting it show...right?

But it would be nice. If you came to see me.

Would it be possible? Would I be allowed to have that one moment of happiness?

if something more isn't meant to happen..then why...do i still feel like this?...why can't i let you go, no matter how hard i try, no matter how much distance i put between us..no matter how much i try to run away...

why won't you let me go...?

意味ない。

this doesn't really have anything to do with japan..but it's been bugging me for a while, so i apologize for the melodrama, but it's my space after all..

i know i'm not the only one who feels this way..but i feel like i really tried...and it seems like i've already gotten the response i'm afraid of the most. of being troublesome and annoying.

even if it may not always be their fault, i message, and yes once or twice i've gotten a response, and no matter how happy they might seem, more often then not they won't ask me in return. they'll say their busy. or they won't even respond...all phone failures? i don't think so...

it makes me feel like a little kid again. i wanna run around screaming throwing stuff and cry...what's so wrong with me, that i can't have friends like normal people?

if i whine like this then i just seem like i'm taking it too personally..that i'm getting so worked up over nothing...and that it happens...

but if i say i don't care, whatever, it doesn't matter...i still end up crying...

on top of already feeling empty, like i'm constantly staring at a blurry cloudy, and snowing sky, i too often feel like either attitude returns me to feeling numb as well.

look at me..i can't even write well anymore...

i would've been content not knowing what it's like to have friends or to be in love...but as a pathetic human, those seems like undeniable desires..

even if i go alone, i hate to admit it isn't much fun...activities that are supposed to be done with friends...i'd rather be disillusioned and think it's better that way. existing without bothering anyone...

i guess the only thing i'm good at is crying and sleeping after all...

not much....

really there's not much to say.

i stayed at the kyuudou-sensei's place. it was a nice, cozy place, and rather western looking on the inside. the food was okay, and they were all very nice. :) her daughters were alot younger than i expected too, but friendly all the same. as Japanese goes, they of course asked me about English too lol. it was pretty okay lol. almost felt like a host family of sorts lol.

I also tried on the kimono and hakama, although when she had said kimono i was thinking full-blown. I guess it was still pretty okay though :) although i looked awful in the pictures..x_x...

Also, as cute as her cats were, i forgot i'm actually allergic to them..x_x it Was pretty cute that i was woken up by kuro though haha. funny they named the cats after the fantasy cat characters from an anime haha.

that's about it, was a bit disappointed we didn't go karaoke after all...and now i'm practically dying to, even if i'll look lame going alone...messaged some ppl, but who knows if they'll respond. my "friends" seem scarce these days, and i'm always afraid of looking desperate, needy, or just plain annoying...

started a fic...or at least simple character outlines and a basic plot....guess its fine to base it off my life with some tweaks here or there. decided to go with inuyasha though, rather than kenshin, since i know inuyasha better...we'll see if i actually get motivation to write it..x_x

also finished or caught up to all the anime i've wanted to watch...duno what to do now...stumbleupon was only so much fun...sadly...

been thinking about dancing...maybe. downloaded a couple songs from itunes for my ipod...

also gotta clean up my apt sometime, fix the dresses, and clean up my shelf...and probably wash my sheets before j-chan comes heh...

that's about it. another week of vacation. even if boring, it almost feels like i've almost forgotten at times what my job feels like lol. even if it's a bit empty or lonely, i'm not really rushed or have a lot of responsibilities...so i suppose i'm quite comfortable...

as for d-chan...i don't know anymore. no matter what i feel, i wish he hadn't emailed me...it makes it so much harder...but also no matter what i dont want it to be blamed on me for us drifting apart for good... :/ ha well...

on a slightly less emotional note, god i've spent so much money already..x_x kya....

ah recent dream last night. about being on a bus, meeting up with friends from the states, searching for money for a bus fare that was higher than usual and getting randomly asked out by the bus driver...who i do believe was american...weeird.

btw, happy new year, or あけましておめでとう。 i've seen ppl talk about new year's resolutions or wishes for the future. i don't really have any i guess...i've calmed down about going back home or staying, and really, i don't care what happens either anymore. it kind of amused me, similar to watching Harry Potter again, and seeing the mirror of erised or whatever it's called. i guess if i had to have a new year's resolution, i guess it was just be to try and stay relatively happy. my wish would be that if u want me, figure it out soon and say so. if not, to just leave me alone and stop making it worse. to just understand how i feel for once....:/ but that's delving too far into a non-japan topic once again...*sigh*

haaa...also i've been staying up way too late recently..tho it doesn't really matter and it Does save a little on my food consumption....tho i should go to bed earlier...

and i guess on that note, that's it. may my dreams be unventful or at least not depressing. and may i be less lazy the rest of the week..