k, just wanted to get this down. about my dream the other night..and so many conclusions could be drawn i suppose...but anyhow here goes. basically it was a mixture of the Pocahontas "colors of the wind" scenes mixed with the Fantasia 2000 piece with the volcano phoenix and nature girl. was cooler in my dream i swear :P basically, it started out in the Fantasia 2000 scene with a world of darkness and ash, and I guess I was Pocahontas and singing her song and all. And then a blond guy stood beside me, tho who it was exactly duno...in any case, the ending of the song came and i tapped the branch/staff thing she carried into the ground and the world of ash became a bright and beautiful green world, the trees began to grow and so did the grass. Was pretty cool, for as lame as it sounds in writing..the whole thing was pretty weird considering i hadn't seen either films in years...but as for conclusions, maybe it had to do with the fact that i was bothered part of the night, restless in bed, and mentally tossing and turning about what else but love.
once again i feel like i'm nearing another great turning point of my life. do i stay or do i go? do i risk it all for a guy? do i possibly make the same mistake i did before, excusing it by saying i'm not in love? am i really not in love or am i? am i really allowed to be that selfish to claim u for myself when my feelings aren't "pure"? am i just lonely? is it still that we're not in love, but just that, i don't wanna be lonely, and you want a friend? if we're not in love, why do you always act that way whenever you're around me? this is the kind of scene where i turn chibi and pull at my hair in frustration with giant sweatdrops everywhere...(ironically, i have to say, wow. because for once it's not about the "you" i generally refer to..., tho those thoughts have been here and there too...like, with you it's frustrating and painful to be around you, even if i were to go back, it would just be too much hard work and all it'd accomplish is you wishing i wasn't there...ugh...yet another previous rant...) actually...i feel like either way, it doesn't feel like a complete kind of love....one is calm, eagerly supportive and makes me feel comfortable...but the other occupies my thoughts, makes me feel both ends of the spectrum to the fullest and always draws my heart, thumping wildly back to it...even in my dreams...
have i mentioned, i'm tired?..........-_-'
basically as usual, i don't really know. who i love, if anyone, anymore, if i can even really handle a relationship. it might be fine to "decide" what will make you happy, but you know...i really can't know for sure until something happens..or at least until i make the decision where something Will happen...
but i guess i'll put that aside for now. onto japan-ish related stuff...
i've been trying to be a bit more comfortable around the students, but it seems like i'm just scaring off the deer, esp the male ones...oh dear..heeeeeh..
i still dont even know what i'm supposed to talk about to them. i'm still not even sure i'm cut out for this job, which doesn't help me fall in one direction or another. kah...
i wondered a few times actually, if even tho the school said they'd be fine with me as an ALT for next year, if they really just meant "she's okay, not great, but not awful, so good enough." a gamble on their part too, but i guess they're smart enough and to settle for "okay"...and know not to hope for too much....whereas i can never seem to just be okay with "okay"...haaa...
while making the but cheap, good luck charms, i was thinking about how my kyuudou sensei wasn't exactly thrilled about the one i spent so long to make her...and remembered that not everyone is instantly appreciative of the things i make them (as vain as that sounds, but not sure how else to word it... -_-'). so i kinda figure i shouldn't put that much effort into it. not even sure if they'll even like it...but anyways back to my original thought. so i was thinking that i'm not even sure what i else i can do, what little of it i can do in the first place, and i certainly have no confidence in myself, so a small bit of me was happy (until i remembered that not everyone appreciates it...) of being able to support them. and since i cant express myself well in words to people, by small, physical gifts of support. tho as i said, i'm not even sure i'll give it to them. i guess i'm that easily set back...heh..well that was a jumbled mess of thoughts...good luck trying to figure that out..
anyhow, i've realized a few random things in the past few days. one, that i've lost my appetite for the most part or at least i'm not eating as much.
second, i really wanna sing sometimes...but karaoke doesn't really appeal to me as much as it use to...because going alone is lame, but i can't bother anyone with dragging them along... -_-' not that they seem to want to anyways..but that's been a previous rant. on a sub-rant, i guess quitting guitar club makes me feel like i'm giving up on that dream too...but tbh its not like i had the motivation for it anyways -_-' and on a sub-sub rant, i finally tried to find the clubs today and those specific clubs, no one showed up at the designated spot...(that deserves yet another -_-')
third, i've been sleeping earlier than usual, as in during and before break heh. duno why that is. could be a lack of you, so the boredom has left little else but to sleep. too bad it doesn't help me feel less tired in the mornings...
i dont really know how to describe it other than how i have already. that this has kinda felt like a dream...and now it's coming to an end, even if i were to stay longer. gah i dont know....
i do kinda wanna go back, but..it's not hell here either.
i just wanna be able to be in a place where i can sleep as much as i want and listen to music and wear cute and pretty dresses and do archery at leisure and sing without annoying anyone and just be comfortable and not feel like i'm missing something or needing something i just can't have or sacrificing something for something else or gambling one thing for another...
but i guess that's life, huh....
guess that's it for now...
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