this again, will have nothing really to do with japan..but it's been on my mind for a while..
I've thought many times about writing a story. Your basic love sob story...basically. I've always been partial the diary style of writing. And for some reason these images really stick out in my mind...much like the image of the intro to peach girl...Something like this:
"I watched your face. The one that was crying, knowing any moment the train would all too soon pull me away, too fast to see my face even shrink away. The mouth that spoke without sound. But I could hear the words through the cellphone pressed tightly against my ear. I remember the snow that blew wildly outside, the snowflakes that certainly only belonged in a dream...
And finally the train lurched back. But this would not be like any other good-bye. If I had known it would've been the last time I'd see you, I would never have hung up. If I had known...I would've reached out and kept waving until I had no more strength left. I would've understood the feelings you felt behind those tears. And I would've cried so much harder."
Or maybe something like this...
"I watched your hand wave back and forth slowly, reaching out the car window as you drove up and over that hill. Watching you disappear while I couldn't follow you was so painful. I remember you said that it was painful for you too, to drive away and leave me behind. And it would only become more painful for the both of us as we continued to love each other..."
Or something like this...
"I remember waking up to the distinct warm scent of the dark red sheets I had gently entangled myself in. The light was dazzling, streaming in softly through the blinds. And there by the bedside, were the small red berries in a glass bowl. Back then I probably teased you, didn't I? But memories such as that, are ones I reach for, in vain now, as I write here late at night...and ones that are dusted with sadness and only seem as tangible as reality as they drift in and out in my dreams..."
Nantoka....Something like that.
Recently, I've become re-infatuated with the character Kikyo. Not that I'm in love with her. Just that I quite admire her and empathize with her quite a great deal. In the end, she still loved Inuyasha. Even though fate tore them apart, she accepted it. And she disappeared with a final smile.
"Even though you were the first person I loved, I couldn't save you."
"You came for me. That's enough."
I wonder if there's something new that's tied me to her. I like that character, because maybe I'm fated to a similar end as her. Or something.
I've been obsessed with the thought of love and relationships lately. Maybe it's because I spend too much time in this room. But that's all I seem to look at. It's silly though...because even with the thought of a new relationship or dating, my heart's just not into it. Not enough to let go, but not enough to fight either. For something old OR something new...
Because...what could I possibly do?...
Whenever I read or watch a girl who's in love with a guy, I understand. So much. Because I can understand wanting to be by his side. Wanting to wrap yourself in his scent...wanting to hold onto his waist and never let go. I understand wanting to be protected by him and protect him in turn. I understand...not needing expensive gifts or vows or anything of the sort. Of only wanting time. To be with him...
But...what could I possibly do?
Is there no seal which can hide you away from me? Nothing that can make me forget the countless memories? It's not that remembering you is painful, it's knowing your indifference. And I feel that I'm slowly become cold and indifferent myself. And even here, halfway around the world, lingering memories of you appear...
Is this what it's like to be trapped within your own heart?
I read that one either controls one's feelings or those feelings overcome them. The latter is certainly true for me...I've always thought I'm strong against anything, but against this...I'm weak. My heart is weak...because inside of it, I'm still crying.
I know I shouldn't see you. Because if I did, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd probably never want to leave. They say that when you love someone, your love is tied with theirs. But my happiness is no longer tied with yours. Because it seems, your happiness is my sadness...and my happiness...can't exist anymore.
Part of me thought today, that if I did see you I'd have to act cold and reasonable. I'd have to say something like "I don't care anymore. I loved you...I really really loved you. But being like that, I lost all respect for myself. And you're not worth it. I can't live like that."
If only...
One person shouldn't be the sole reason for your will...your strength...your happiness...your reason for living...even i've come to sneer on that...because it's only practical to discard such feelings...and yet....
It's not that I don't love you. It's that, I have to stop letting it show...right?
But it would be nice. If you came to see me.
Would it be possible? Would I be allowed to have that one moment of happiness?
if something more isn't meant to happen..then why...do i still feel like this?...why can't i let you go, no matter how hard i try, no matter how much distance i put between us..no matter how much i try to run away...
why won't you let me go...?
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