but i guess lots of things dont turn out how i wish they would...even if it's mostly my fault. i wrote this by hand at first, so i'll just copy for now...
as for japan itself, there's only 2 full weeks left. i'll try to take pictures. but there's a scramble to get things done before i leave. and the list will only get longer... -_-'
sorry that it's been a while. it's only a month now till my time here is over and I've only written a fraction of what i hoped to write. go figure..recent happenings have luckily been not much. i guess we'll just go with what pops up.
first, i must be fighting off getting sick as my throats dry even when i drink water and recently upon waking it's been sore, though generally gets better by the time i leave for work. maybe it's dehydration after all...who knows...been thinking about cough drops but mostly i've been doing tea.. well sort of. and sleeping tons, even to the point of skipping meals (bad me..) -_-'
still haven't managed to get the medical stuff done, but that's mostly forgetting when i have the chance and being lazy because it's cold out and far away...and requires struggling with using japanese....tho i know i should do it here cause itd be far cheaper than in america...
and just when i thought the weather was getting better it snowed. not much, but still..x_x where the beautiful march weather?
i really have been down on enthusiasm and energy and its probably a vicious cycle....but its not like i'm terribly depressed all the time at least.
this weekend will be my final kyuudou competition and i just hope i dont get embarrassed like last time...
i found out that some foods have to be eaten right away. like strawberries. and bread (once it's opened).
weird dreams lately, but that's rather normal actually...and nothing too outrageous at least. the normal fantasy creatures and battling tension with persona relationships...
as for leaving, i did decide it, even if it was for the wrong reasons. def can't change my mind now...my only regrets are the stuff i could've seen, the festivals and school events...which are apparently all better than the ones that happened during my semesters..go figure about that too. x_x..
but all that aside, there wasn't much for me here. i gotta wake up from the dream that's starting to fade anyway. i learned again that personal relationships i try to make end up being weak. it really is better for me to not fall in love...even just as friends. so while i might be leaving ppl behind, i'm not choked up or anything. and even if the city did change, it's not like my inability to maintain friends would...or actually gain a meaningful relationship. maybe one day, if i have nothing left in the states, i'll come back. back to where this dream left off.
i recently watched AIR. Definitely one of the saddest, if not THE saddest moments in anime I've seen yet. Up till then it'd been the ending scene in Chrono Crusade. But this def took it's place. The girl, who has an uncontrollable crying attack every time she's about to make friends with someone is left behind.
"I was all alone until now. It'll be the same starting tomorrow. In the end, even
if i try my best, i just cause other people trouble, and nothing good ever happens.
i should have just kept on given up like before...without loving anyone.
i'll go to sleep. i don't care if i never wake up. "
i don't like sentimental anime. but this really touched me...loneliness is a big theme in a lot of anime...but this one really hit me. crying, kicking things and hitting things...i've been there. loneliness does can do that to you i guess...
i still want to try to do my best to get things resolved...but even if somehow it worked out the way i wish it would..i realized i'd have to choose. between being a good person i can respect....and chasing after my own happiness. and that..i dont think i could choose...
"the person you love...their happiness is supposed to be more important than yours right?...and when they leave, you just have to bear it...."
even the two reasons why i decided to go back...even they don't have a good chance of working out...i'm sure there will be lots of feelings of emptiness, pain, sadness, loneliness and crying ahead. i don't understand either of you...both of you are on a diff path than me...and while those paths may run side by side for a little while, i can see where they'd part...
why am i doing this again?..
wouldn't it be nice...if i could float in a dream of summer for the rest of my life..? somehow, i wouldn't mind if i disappeared...i'm tired, and i know it's selfish...but...maybe that's just who i am.
i realized maybe i'm not cut out for personal relationships. there really isn't one good thing about me after all...so maybe it's good i can't seem to make and keep friends...
i thought about singing...even if i did learn the guitar...maybe i'd just be playing for myself..and while that might not be a bad thing, i can't help but think it might be covered in loneliness, even if what i make is something beautiful.
it's only now that i see i should've stayed...but i can always come back...i can always fall asleep into the blissful, selfish ignorance of my dreams...
and maybe...in order to start a fresh dream...i Have to feel truly alone...
maybe one can't truly obtain freedom and happiness. because happiness is only fleeting. and maybe true freedom is a lonely place to be...
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