so much for trying to have a blog where i update every day...go figure lol.
let's see...what's been up recently?. um...well, i've been presented the decision to stay in japan or go back to america. at first i was leaning towards staying in japan, because well, i do like it...and i'd have more than i'd probably have in america, in terms of a job. basically the feeling there i guess was that i didn't want the adventure to end quite yet.
but then i realized that it'd cost more to pay for a plane ticket to go to america then back to japan for blood and kidney tests...more than i have savings, or at least all that i managed to save..which would suck like hell..
but maybe, i'm looking for an excuse. maybe...
somehow i caved like always and talked to d-chan...and the more i talked to him about it, the more my excuses sounded more like just that. excuses and not reasons...
but more about that later. i should get back into japan.
a few reasons why i also thought i should go back are little things about my job that tick me off (and f-u for saying "that's how it is with all jobs, 'cause like u'd understand). basically like, i slept in by accident, still managed to get to school by the time classes started, and was Still chided by the scary vice principal..thinking i didn't get to school on time because i overslept because i didn't get to bed on time and it takes a long time to get to school. but it's not that...its just that i forgot to set my alarm (which i still guess is my fault but still)...what really ticked me off was that i couldn't say anything. and plus the usual...that goody-two-shoes "i know everything about english" assistant teacher..god...he's so annoying...the silent power struggle is ridiculous.
plus the other stuff. about saying i'm not doing enough, yet even when i ask, the teachers say the lessons are already done and don't need my help. or they're yabber in japanese then relay the plan to me...and esp with that assistant there, i doubt he'd accept any of my plans...haaa..
plus, the small, but irritating criticism about not pronouncing clearly, god dammit, i pronounce so clearly that the words don't even sound natural. and fuck whatever they think, i refuse to pronounce the words in katakana...that's just so fucking stupid...
in any case the next sections will go hand in hand. first, that i'm just not sure i can deal with the stupid school system and the hush hush attitude of the japanese...in just about every aspect here, i have to go completely against the way i think. which is to voice my opinions and emotions strongly. i dont know since when i've been like that, but i just feel like i'm true to myself when i'm like that. and for sure hell, its gotten me into lots of trouble..heh...but here in many aspects i'm told to suppress my desires and emotions. in kyuudou and in my job...to not let it show under any circumstances...even though i def see the other teachers snap once in a while...its interesting because it's kinda like what j-chan talked about..not being able to express how you feel because you'll be seen as petty...oh well...
so i'm thinking many i should just ask for a recommendation letter and run with it. run with the money i've saved up and the good words about me and see what i can do from there. am i satisfied? i guess...
plus, recently, another goal fulfillment has come into sight. i've been offered a chance to perform live. which would be great...i do hope it goes well (i'm still not sure about the songs i chose, and wish i could do one i wrote (tho i've always come up with shitty stuff when i have), but...). and even so, i think becoming the famous singer is a bit beyond my dreams, but i guess it's okay, maybe it's not really what i want or would make me happy anyways...but i think how i feel after that, i'll be able to send my response to the company about whether i want to stay or not. but as of now i guess i'll go back. if i stay...i'll feel like the dream i was so enjoying would be ending and become my cold world again. and i really really don't want that...so...yeah....i dont know. something like that.
but is that the real reason? and now i get back to what i said "i'd get back to later" up above. once again, i guess i'll be making a decision because of a guy..or guys rather this time. but...i guess i shouldn't let myself run away from that any longer. and complete my original plan as well..planned. to make the visits one after another...to see m-chan, then d-chan, then finally come back to j-chan...and hopefully by then i'll have completed my journey. and feel like i'm coming back home. i just hope i have the strength and courage to complete that part of the journey too.
i've been thinking about what to say to you...i have all these scenes and images in my head...and i might even even be able to decide, and just do what i'll do on the spot...but in any case that might be even a little more private than what i can post...and i guess i don't want any spoilers for sure...heh. so that's it. all i can say is that hopefully i'll be able to bow out with true gratitude. if it really will be the end. and at least that's the very least i want. to a 3+ year long battle with these feelings...and it's okay if i can't do it without sacrificing my dignity at first, because as i said before, shouting all my feelings from the heart is when i feel most like myself...
anyways as for the rest...i think i've given up on my social life for now. i've only two more months here and no one can seem to make time for me..selfish sounding i know but it's how i feel. it's true and that's all. i guess i'll keep asking, but it's not like i expect them to say yes anymore. basically..i just gotta keep thinking i don't mind...i don't mind...
to deviate deeper into my heart again, (sorry!), it's silly 'cause i know what the right decision is most of the time, even though really it's what you want and what u think will make you happy that matters...to stay in japan would be the right decision. and to chose you would be the right decision. but i'll choose the decision where i can speak out the most and make my feelings known. which is why it'll probably be to go back. and as for the 2nd...it's not that i'm being tied to you. it's not pity and it's not that i'd be settling either. when the outcome becomes clear, it'll truly feel like the right decision.
on a similar note, it's silly to think that i can only live with one person and not need anyone else...but maybe it's possible. i pretty much did it for so long before without realizing it lol...but you're right. we can't pretend to be in love or try to force it. because if we try and turn it into something its not then it'll just fall apart faster...so for now..we'll just go on as we have. and that kind of life of comfort and friendship is the one that to me, is worth going back for.
even if it's a life tinged with sadness or loneliness or emptiness, if it's peaceful i suppose then it's all right. then i really don't mind. because maybe that's enough. i'll karaoke as much as possible and drag myself to kyuudou in the cold as many times as possible and keep asking people to hang out. i'll put everything i've got into lesson plans and do my best to subdue my feelings. so that when it's over..i won't have any regrets...
but for closure and home, maybe it's time...?
No comments:
Post a Comment