..let that be enough...

"I wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows she's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough"

I really don't know what to do anymore...so many reasons to stay, so many to go back. But to go back, only one reason that makes me want to go back of my own will. And that was to see you. Because I saw fun times ahead of us...

But if it means being stuck again, and at least for 2 months it seems that way, i can't do it. I know it's selfish, i know it's wrong...but i can't do it.

I recently had several dreams all about not wanting to go home...though they're dreams they're based on my experiences...and that stress is very real. I'm scared and that fear is like a fight for survival. And I don't want it to happen at any cost.

I want to continue to be able to live on my own. I want to continue being able to be selfish...even though such a choice would cost me a lot..and not just in money...

I wanted to see where I could stand on my own strength. Maybe it's not completely on my own strength, but in many ways it is. Despite the job ticks, a few mishaps and the general loneliness, I've actually relatively enjoyed my life here. It's peaceful, I can be myself, I'm able to live quite comfortably...and most importantly I have this freedom.

On my own strength...

There's no one to talk to now. The decision has to be made by me.

Battling it out here seems like a better option than doing it back at home...

But if i were to give up everything, for selfish freedom...if i were to sell my heart just to live in peace a little longer...would it be worth it?

Is it so wrong...to want to be able to hold onto this little bit of peace I've found?

I want to say I have no regrets...I want to reach up towards the bright blue sky, despite my tears, and say I don't mind anymore...not to have friends or a lover...to give up dreams and adventure...I don't mind being tired...I don't mind not having energy...I just want this peace...

I don't know how you feel about me...but...

I miss you.

You'd think I'd be use to having my life or at least bits of it be crumbling apart..not being able to find my way...

But I don't want to go home...I don't want to be back to where i was at 17...in my dark corner, wondering if I'd live to see another day...

I'm sorry...