...that is so chipper i'd probably be beside myself with emotions. where do i start?
i'm glad i was able to come home early yesterday, although i'm disappointed that i caved to my physical feeling of sickness. i don't think i've ever done that before. put my health before responsibility. but i def wasn't getting any work done, and while i wasn't passed out, i felt like i was fairly close. and go figure that the k-sensei would ask me random english questions when i could barely stay conscious. and what is it with the japanese going to the hospital for every little thing? i mean, at the start of a fever, really? seems kind of unnecessary, but maybe that's just the american way haha. in any case, caving to sickness really frustrated me...on top of feeling miserable.
and sadly, it looks like i also missed out on a fun night... :( on top of that i can't get mixi to work, so it looks like getting internet on my phone was for naught. i wonder if it'd really be possible to make it to japan and back without making a single friend. count on me to pull something like that off.
it's funny (well not really, but that's the only way i can describe it) that i never really minded being more or less alone. i never saw my parents have a lot of friends. my sister later on had many friends, and of course i was jealous. but i more or less was able to cope with never reaching that. leave it to my sister to be the one to shine. i guess i can be happy with that...
the other day, i was happy that i could finally get gifts for my classes. but i guess it's not really the japanese way to want small little gifts, but perhaps it's more like them to want awards. i guess it makes sense after all, since that's all i've ever seen them get. but after seeing the kids not be all that excited about it, especially the 2nd class. seeing the kid wear the cat ears made me happy, but then the other kid who threw it out the window...i didn't say anything but it sucks i saw it. and it does hurt i suppose...but i guess i know better for the future, huh?....
it's unfortunate that i never made it to the club meetings, although i couldn't really...i hope i don't get chided for that though. my dream of being able to perform hasn't really moved forward after all, haha. go figure, and leave it to me to be all talk and no show. lol...maybe some day...
perhaps being cooped up doesn't suit me...maybe.
on top of that it sucks that sleeping too long doesn't suit my back well. x_x and what the hell is with me having to pee so often? T_T
but on the contrary, i do like sleeping. and being lazy. why? because it's comfortable. even if it doesn't help my motivation which already ranges in the very little. gah.
i've gotten bored of watching anime, although naruto was doing well for me. i was thinking perhaps switching back to drama might work...but perhaps i'm just tired of watching things in general. but i certainly don't have the motivation to write a story or anything. also sad.
last night was kind of fine that i couldn't get out of bed since i didn't feel well. but it also didn't really help that no one was waiting for me online. and tonight, even though you were there, somehow the motivation was still small. despite it being really about d-chan, how silly was it that i started hugging my comforter and started crying for really no reason! i just wanted to for some reason. maybe i'm really not aware how lonely i am. maybe. that'd be funny...heh. i read k-chan's status about u can get anything if you want it. but not all things, as has been proved. >_< if he said 'there's no way' then i'd say 'well i'll make a way.' but maybe that's all just naive. count on me really being that way, no matter how grown up or mature i call myself. and i know this doesn't relate to japan at all, but...of course it's been on my mind so i guess it needs saying every now and then. in any case, it's fine to chase until i'm satisfied right? even if it's selfish. because running away would indeed be much sadder. and there will be many more sacrifices to come for love. and in fact, i have already dealt with a lot so far. losing hope really may just be my worst fear haha. therefore i need reason to keep going. even if it's just for that for now. funny though, what stopped my crying was that i reminded myself that crying wouldn't solve anything and that nothing could be done about my goal right now. i just have to hope that i'm strong enough to carry it out no matter what when the time comes. i was thinking of how to act when i'm around him finally and i really want to be cheerful and the like. but, that's really not me. i know the idea would be to act like me, but if that were me then i'd just let it go because i wouldn't think i have the strength to fight for what i want. so..i don't know for now.
to move on to a topic that has only slightly more to do with japan...i was realizing that while it'd be great to get a japanese bf, or even just friends for that matter, it's really better if i don't get involved maybe? in any case, tonight reminded me of that. i really don't interact with people well. i'm also quick to judging anger, and don't organize my criticisms or thoughts well. that's just as well, i was never meant to be able to. and i'm sorry to say, that while i never want to abandon a friend, deep down, i'm more selfish and capable of hurting you than you think... :( i just hope when the day comes, i can trust you to find your own happiness. perhaps the way d-chan trusted me. but hopefully it'll be easier, because you're not in love with me, like i may be with d-chan...
anyways, that aside. time to wrap it up with what i meant to start with and kind of talked about above. go anime, for teaching us useful stuff, despite what many ppl who don't watch it are quick to judge it as stupid, kids' stuff. in any case! i also agree that it's pointless to argue against someone who just doesn't share the same beliefs as you. you can try, but if you're intentions aren't pure and you're not trying to protect someone or a concept important to you, then all you'll do with your negative attitude is create more anger and hate. there has to be a better way to create understand. but then again maybe i'm just naive and violence and shouting IS the answer. i'd hate to think so, but right now i don't. humans are indeed stupid and make a lot of selfish mistakes. so getting even most everyone to have an open heart and mind to accept and form bonds with others is indeed difficult. but i guess that has nothing to do really with japan. but thoughts i've come to while i'm here are okay too, right? after all, this is my space and my own little corner of the world.
and no one is probably reading anyways lol. :P
mm maple tea with honey. the taste of home-made snow cones. the taste childhood memories ^_^....
**
****
*****
*****
****
**
*
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
well its finally weather fit for october
i know becase it's freezing outside and i currently have a headache. also am a bit queasy too, but hopefully it'll either pass or hold off until i get home...unfortunately there's a lot to do before then. x_x at least the sun's out?...tho it doesn't help the fact that the headache is concentrated at the front of my forehead and thus my eyes also hurt...T_T i also feel hot..but maybe its just warmer today...
asking teachers if i can have lunch with their class is still nerve-racking...why???
maybe it's becase i still have that ''god, everyone's listening to my conversation'' fear, even though they probably don't care, and I know that...but stil...for some reason i have that same feeling when bringing out my trash. still not sure what to do about the cans...gah. i don't like how they portray setting them out, especially after that notice...because it doesn't seem right. haaa...
i spent a good afternoon/evening shopping for warm clothes. and some food...i'm stil surprised i managed to bring all that home on my bike.
the gang might get together this weekend, tho with this headache i'm not really feeling in the mood...
always on edge like this when it comes to lesson planning ever since that friday. well it's not like they give me much opportunity to communicate or lay down exactly what they want. well time to wing it-and hope i can withstand whatever criticsm may come my way...
i did like that episode last night. it was sad, but i could totally relate. with love, does come sacrifice. but i also thought, ''as it should be.'' it made me waver about my decision. i really don't know what the right thing is to do. and..my ''love'' probably isn't the purest of the pure. maybe love Can't exist without hate. when you love, you risk being hated? maybe...maybe perhaps love and hate can create such confusion because of that. maybe it's all one really big mess after all. maybe...maybe that's something to hold on to to keep my resolution. to at the very least, find the answer.
asking teachers if i can have lunch with their class is still nerve-racking...why???
maybe it's becase i still have that ''god, everyone's listening to my conversation'' fear, even though they probably don't care, and I know that...but stil...for some reason i have that same feeling when bringing out my trash. still not sure what to do about the cans...gah. i don't like how they portray setting them out, especially after that notice...because it doesn't seem right. haaa...
i spent a good afternoon/evening shopping for warm clothes. and some food...i'm stil surprised i managed to bring all that home on my bike.
the gang might get together this weekend, tho with this headache i'm not really feeling in the mood...
always on edge like this when it comes to lesson planning ever since that friday. well it's not like they give me much opportunity to communicate or lay down exactly what they want. well time to wing it-and hope i can withstand whatever criticsm may come my way...
i did like that episode last night. it was sad, but i could totally relate. with love, does come sacrifice. but i also thought, ''as it should be.'' it made me waver about my decision. i really don't know what the right thing is to do. and..my ''love'' probably isn't the purest of the pure. maybe love Can't exist without hate. when you love, you risk being hated? maybe...maybe perhaps love and hate can create such confusion because of that. maybe it's all one really big mess after all. maybe...maybe that's something to hold on to to keep my resolution. to at the very least, find the answer.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
just wow...
bored for the umptieth time, though with not enough motivation to write anything...maybe i'm just really lazy and it would be easier once i start...
in any case, back to being tired. or sleepy rather. i haven't wanted my bed this much in a while. there's a bit of commotion going on as people prepare for the festival. i thought about asking if i could help, but usually even when i do ''help'' everyone seems to know what they're doing and I end up standing there awkwardly. Japanese people don't seem particularly specific when asking exactly what they need help with anyways. Or maybe I'm just stupid :P although it says they're setting up, i wouldn't know if they'd be practicing either...and i feel bad (and ill) trying not to fall asleep while watching them.
so for now, i bide my time, an hour to go before i can wander the halls as they clean- hopefully that's what'll happen anyways. and then its just a bit more until club time. which i found out that i could use an extra guitar the school has. i forgot about the other guitars i saw in there, but thought they'd be used. not quite sure how to even ask if i can use them though...damn 'u's potential tense. did make me think that maybe i shouldn't get a guitar, but then i was reminded that i did want to play in Tokyo while I was there for the week...but there's also the reminder that carrying a guitar around would be hella difficult...oh well. at least hopefully i can do something during the club now, even if i feel silly doing it. hopefully they'll not expect too much of me... >_< although I'll probably only stay for an hour again, as i really wanna get home and be comfortable...x_x
looks like i'm staring to get a headache too, tho it might have to do with my constant gaze at the computer. i get rather nervous when things get too quiet and there's only one other person here. like i'm supposed to be somewhwere else...i really hope i don't get in trouble for this, but it really can't be helped, since i don't know what to do and hate feeling awkward. almost as much as feeling sleepy.. :P
i've kinda given up on asking for a schedule from the english teacher, tho it would suck to have to sit through two days again without doing a shred of work...hopefully that won't be so as it seemed there were Some plans for me at least. but i hate that feeling that the english teacher is annoyed with me. guess i really am a wimp after all... :P
i'm a bit excited about the international festival on saturday, though the thought makes me exhausted already. especially excited about the dance party, though it'd be more fun if the others were goin (btw they better answer soon :P) it'd be especially nice if it could be a fairy tale night where i meet someone genuinly cute and nice...but god knows i fail at relationships...and thanks to a certain ex it's not like i could come to trust anyone again. cliche...but...it's true. i might not be in love with him, but i can't deny that it still hurts. very much so...and falling in love, or getting someone new...might not help. no matter how much i wish for it, maybe i won't ever be free.
even if someone ''perfect'' came along, even if he said he loved me, i know. that people change. people get bored. so the love that we so desperately want to believe exists just doesn't last forever. after all, it takes two to make it work. but when one changes his mind, it's gone. like it never even existed.
i miss you.
in any case, back to being tired. or sleepy rather. i haven't wanted my bed this much in a while. there's a bit of commotion going on as people prepare for the festival. i thought about asking if i could help, but usually even when i do ''help'' everyone seems to know what they're doing and I end up standing there awkwardly. Japanese people don't seem particularly specific when asking exactly what they need help with anyways. Or maybe I'm just stupid :P although it says they're setting up, i wouldn't know if they'd be practicing either...and i feel bad (and ill) trying not to fall asleep while watching them.
so for now, i bide my time, an hour to go before i can wander the halls as they clean- hopefully that's what'll happen anyways. and then its just a bit more until club time. which i found out that i could use an extra guitar the school has. i forgot about the other guitars i saw in there, but thought they'd be used. not quite sure how to even ask if i can use them though...damn 'u's potential tense. did make me think that maybe i shouldn't get a guitar, but then i was reminded that i did want to play in Tokyo while I was there for the week...but there's also the reminder that carrying a guitar around would be hella difficult...oh well. at least hopefully i can do something during the club now, even if i feel silly doing it. hopefully they'll not expect too much of me... >_< although I'll probably only stay for an hour again, as i really wanna get home and be comfortable...x_x
looks like i'm staring to get a headache too, tho it might have to do with my constant gaze at the computer. i get rather nervous when things get too quiet and there's only one other person here. like i'm supposed to be somewhwere else...i really hope i don't get in trouble for this, but it really can't be helped, since i don't know what to do and hate feeling awkward. almost as much as feeling sleepy.. :P
i've kinda given up on asking for a schedule from the english teacher, tho it would suck to have to sit through two days again without doing a shred of work...hopefully that won't be so as it seemed there were Some plans for me at least. but i hate that feeling that the english teacher is annoyed with me. guess i really am a wimp after all... :P
i'm a bit excited about the international festival on saturday, though the thought makes me exhausted already. especially excited about the dance party, though it'd be more fun if the others were goin (btw they better answer soon :P) it'd be especially nice if it could be a fairy tale night where i meet someone genuinly cute and nice...but god knows i fail at relationships...and thanks to a certain ex it's not like i could come to trust anyone again. cliche...but...it's true. i might not be in love with him, but i can't deny that it still hurts. very much so...and falling in love, or getting someone new...might not help. no matter how much i wish for it, maybe i won't ever be free.
even if someone ''perfect'' came along, even if he said he loved me, i know. that people change. people get bored. so the love that we so desperately want to believe exists just doesn't last forever. after all, it takes two to make it work. but when one changes his mind, it's gone. like it never even existed.
i miss you.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
no classes to teach today?
surprise, surprise. well at least i've gotten the random class to teach here and there, even if most have been cancelled. Guess thats what I should expect seeing as the bunkasai is coming up. thus...on to random notes about japan i have thought of!
every morning i cautiously walk out of my door and every evening i cautious walk into it. why? you might ask. well, ever since the latest frog attack of course. and by this, i mean the random frogs that will stick themselves to the overhang and decide to scare the latest poor joe who happens to be walking beneath them. as the last one smacked my shirt and i shrieked all i could think of was WHY?!?!?! But that seems to have been my life recently. Frogs here drop well...like western flies. :P
apparently if its rather thin material and polo, shirts dont have to be white to end up being see-through when it rains. unfortunately i found that out the hard way. fortunately i was turning into the apt driveway when it actually became see-through.
the weather is getting colder here. at least early in the mornings and late at night. while i'm not incredibly fond of the cold, the chill air is actually rather refreshing in my opinion. at least when im riding my bike anyways. call me weird, for liking it and im not even sure why, but i just do.
i've managed to actually figure out that the huge sheet they give us is actually the week's schedule of all the teacher. well except me of course, but i understand- im not a real teacher (omg, did i just spend 5 attempts trying to spell that word??? damn...) after all. But in any case, using the handy dandy denshi jisho i've been able to decipher the names of the english teachers (took me a while to figure out it was names i was first trying to look up, go figure why it didn't make sense). its become especially handy when i've needed to know when i could corner a teacher to ask about lesson plans and the like at least.
and about Makke-money. Well this is sad, but tbh, very few kids have come up and talked to me. And about half of those few kids didn't even know about it. I mean, that's the way I prefer, but...in any case, i'm wondering if I should lower how much they need so they'll be more likely to try (it's sad that's how low their motivation is, shy? i think not entirely...) but maybe i should, although going to the yamaya and seeing that the candy i got was not regularly stocked im incredibly nervous now. none of the new candy is anything i recognize, except for m&ms. so looks like thatd have to be the candy of choice. at least it's something i suppose. i wouldnt have been so wasteful had i known that though...x_x curses. that said though, now i'm quite torn whether i should lower the money needed for the kids to get the candy. saa....
i've picked up naruto again, and it's at least going somewhere this time. i think after i catch up, i'll work on bleach as well. that's a relief as dramas were starting to get a bit old for me. it's nice to switch things up.
recently, i've thought about starting fanfiction again. i know, right? but apparently, according to my CW teacher, original fiction abilities isn't something i possess. oh well. just means i guess useless fluff without the need to character develop is what i gotta resort to. might be good for another distraction. and there's definitely feelings that might be nice to see on paper and between characters that aren't me. i realized i've become so selfish when i write, and my world really has been centered around me. maybe writing about other people might help me get in tune with other people too. granted, i was selfish when i wrote fanfiction back then too, but at least the sense of empathy (even with made up characters) was an ability i could easily access...
on the brief personal side, i've been working on not caring. inspired by sasuke's air of focus and composure has helped of course too. ew, but i guess i wouldn't mind having some of that. yappari, the fake cheerful thing doesn't work for me. too exhausting...so it's been a bit of flop between anger, hatred, loneliness, despair, and obsessiveness. although the whole general air of not caring has whittled those feelings down at least to wear i've become numb enough for the most part to actually not care. but that's as brief as i'd like to keep those thoughts.
anyways just recieved a flyer. looks like they'll have some performance today although it'll run till 4:30. god knows i can't really understand it though, just shows how much my japanese sucks. wonder, though if that means there's a club meeting or not...who knows.
this weekend's gonna be exhausting with the bunkasai friday and the international one in sendai on sunday. might just use monday to get my guitar, if i can indeed practice (edited: i just asked and seems like i can!XD). it'd actually be rather nice to be able to practice at my own pace and my own stuff in that room since im not good enough to keep up with the students to practice whatever they're playing as nice as that'd be. maybe after the winter break I'll be good enough....haha...maybe. still haven't figured out how to transport it by bike though...might just have to walk a couple times to get it from place to place, which I guess works. still also would be torn as to wether to bring it back with me or just sell it back to the pawn shop. it'd be nice to have a real sized guitar, but god it'd be a hassle. it was hard enough getting from place to place before, and I'd have no idea where to put it on the plane...x_x sad.
though that dream will probably only ever be a dream, it's still nice.
speaking of dreams, though, i've been having some disturbing nightmares. but not to the extent where i wake up screaming. god forbit that ever happen to me. i guess nothing in my past have ever been so troubling. seems no matter what my dream is i almost always wake up with the same feelings of ''....ah, i'm awake.'' still though, what happened in them was not exactly my cup of tea...but it's not something i really care to go into detail here, even though no one is probably reading (i still don't wanna take that chance).
i got a business card from the nippon travel agency. was a bit excited at first, and it reminded me of what else i had planned on doing. though it only has the phone number for furukawa, so perhaps it's just domestic travel. ''oh well'' i thought. it gave me a lead or two maybe. good thing I have a week or so do all that.
interesting, that i was considering letting s-san read this, but after the encounter that friday, my defenses shot up. plus im sure Id get reprimanded for this too. so of course, now there's no way in hell. ''oh well.''
its interesting that the teachers say sorry when they give me stuff to grade or comment on. i dont know if they genuinly think its a bother to me or not, but...honestly i don't min. my neck my get a bit stiff, but at least i'm being honestly busy. damn when my need to be productive kicks in when there's nothing to do. but i guess that's human nature too. maybe.
also, i always get riddiculously nervous when asking teachers if I can eat with their class, but i've been able to peice together how to kinda ask in Japanese. and they almost always say ''yeah, sure that's fine.'' but it's just like me to get nervous anyways. and i realized i should've written down their classes, but that's also just like me not to think ahead. i'm still also not positive who eats with the students, and if I ask and just get told names, it'll end up being a forehead slapping situation. complete with sweat-drop to boot.
guess that's it. time to go pretend to be productive i guess...(aka read fanfiction).
every morning i cautiously walk out of my door and every evening i cautious walk into it. why? you might ask. well, ever since the latest frog attack of course. and by this, i mean the random frogs that will stick themselves to the overhang and decide to scare the latest poor joe who happens to be walking beneath them. as the last one smacked my shirt and i shrieked all i could think of was WHY?!?!?! But that seems to have been my life recently. Frogs here drop well...like western flies. :P
apparently if its rather thin material and polo, shirts dont have to be white to end up being see-through when it rains. unfortunately i found that out the hard way. fortunately i was turning into the apt driveway when it actually became see-through.
the weather is getting colder here. at least early in the mornings and late at night. while i'm not incredibly fond of the cold, the chill air is actually rather refreshing in my opinion. at least when im riding my bike anyways. call me weird, for liking it and im not even sure why, but i just do.
i've managed to actually figure out that the huge sheet they give us is actually the week's schedule of all the teacher. well except me of course, but i understand- im not a real teacher (omg, did i just spend 5 attempts trying to spell that word??? damn...) after all. But in any case, using the handy dandy denshi jisho i've been able to decipher the names of the english teachers (took me a while to figure out it was names i was first trying to look up, go figure why it didn't make sense). its become especially handy when i've needed to know when i could corner a teacher to ask about lesson plans and the like at least.
and about Makke-money. Well this is sad, but tbh, very few kids have come up and talked to me. And about half of those few kids didn't even know about it. I mean, that's the way I prefer, but...in any case, i'm wondering if I should lower how much they need so they'll be more likely to try (it's sad that's how low their motivation is, shy? i think not entirely...) but maybe i should, although going to the yamaya and seeing that the candy i got was not regularly stocked im incredibly nervous now. none of the new candy is anything i recognize, except for m&ms. so looks like thatd have to be the candy of choice. at least it's something i suppose. i wouldnt have been so wasteful had i known that though...x_x curses. that said though, now i'm quite torn whether i should lower the money needed for the kids to get the candy. saa....
i've picked up naruto again, and it's at least going somewhere this time. i think after i catch up, i'll work on bleach as well. that's a relief as dramas were starting to get a bit old for me. it's nice to switch things up.
recently, i've thought about starting fanfiction again. i know, right? but apparently, according to my CW teacher, original fiction abilities isn't something i possess. oh well. just means i guess useless fluff without the need to character develop is what i gotta resort to. might be good for another distraction. and there's definitely feelings that might be nice to see on paper and between characters that aren't me. i realized i've become so selfish when i write, and my world really has been centered around me. maybe writing about other people might help me get in tune with other people too. granted, i was selfish when i wrote fanfiction back then too, but at least the sense of empathy (even with made up characters) was an ability i could easily access...
on the brief personal side, i've been working on not caring. inspired by sasuke's air of focus and composure has helped of course too. ew, but i guess i wouldn't mind having some of that. yappari, the fake cheerful thing doesn't work for me. too exhausting...so it's been a bit of flop between anger, hatred, loneliness, despair, and obsessiveness. although the whole general air of not caring has whittled those feelings down at least to wear i've become numb enough for the most part to actually not care. but that's as brief as i'd like to keep those thoughts.
anyways just recieved a flyer. looks like they'll have some performance today although it'll run till 4:30. god knows i can't really understand it though, just shows how much my japanese sucks. wonder, though if that means there's a club meeting or not...who knows.
this weekend's gonna be exhausting with the bunkasai friday and the international one in sendai on sunday. might just use monday to get my guitar, if i can indeed practice (edited: i just asked and seems like i can!XD). it'd actually be rather nice to be able to practice at my own pace and my own stuff in that room since im not good enough to keep up with the students to practice whatever they're playing as nice as that'd be. maybe after the winter break I'll be good enough....haha...maybe. still haven't figured out how to transport it by bike though...might just have to walk a couple times to get it from place to place, which I guess works. still also would be torn as to wether to bring it back with me or just sell it back to the pawn shop. it'd be nice to have a real sized guitar, but god it'd be a hassle. it was hard enough getting from place to place before, and I'd have no idea where to put it on the plane...x_x sad.
though that dream will probably only ever be a dream, it's still nice.
speaking of dreams, though, i've been having some disturbing nightmares. but not to the extent where i wake up screaming. god forbit that ever happen to me. i guess nothing in my past have ever been so troubling. seems no matter what my dream is i almost always wake up with the same feelings of ''....ah, i'm awake.'' still though, what happened in them was not exactly my cup of tea...but it's not something i really care to go into detail here, even though no one is probably reading (i still don't wanna take that chance).
i got a business card from the nippon travel agency. was a bit excited at first, and it reminded me of what else i had planned on doing. though it only has the phone number for furukawa, so perhaps it's just domestic travel. ''oh well'' i thought. it gave me a lead or two maybe. good thing I have a week or so do all that.
interesting, that i was considering letting s-san read this, but after the encounter that friday, my defenses shot up. plus im sure Id get reprimanded for this too. so of course, now there's no way in hell. ''oh well.''
its interesting that the teachers say sorry when they give me stuff to grade or comment on. i dont know if they genuinly think its a bother to me or not, but...honestly i don't min. my neck my get a bit stiff, but at least i'm being honestly busy. damn when my need to be productive kicks in when there's nothing to do. but i guess that's human nature too. maybe.
also, i always get riddiculously nervous when asking teachers if I can eat with their class, but i've been able to peice together how to kinda ask in Japanese. and they almost always say ''yeah, sure that's fine.'' but it's just like me to get nervous anyways. and i realized i should've written down their classes, but that's also just like me not to think ahead. i'm still also not positive who eats with the students, and if I ask and just get told names, it'll end up being a forehead slapping situation. complete with sweat-drop to boot.
guess that's it. time to go pretend to be productive i guess...(aka read fanfiction).
Friday, October 15, 2010
random notes...
i can't believe i went to school the entire week and didn't help teach a single class...i thought at first it was something i'd done wrong. but nope. and i guess if the head english teacher knew about it and let it slide (and was partly responsible) then i guess i have to be fine with it too. but god damn, pretending to be busy really sucked.
was hoping for a quiet weekend with the usual laundry, cleaning and shopping chores. now i kinda hope we can make it to karaoke but it's unlikely before 1 or even 2pm...gak. should be fun though i hope!
now that i'm actually going out, i really want those boots...x_x
i wonder why us humans say we won't do something ever again and then we go do it. are we really that stupid?......... o_o i guess so. curses.
at least that's what my stomach is saying. "idiot idiot idiot!" of course in japanese, 'cause everything sounds cooler like that. so more like "ahou ahou ahou!" :P
guess that's about it. money will be a bit tight, but not desperately so. should be good till my next paycheck...
guess that's about it for now. fight-o oh! XD
was hoping for a quiet weekend with the usual laundry, cleaning and shopping chores. now i kinda hope we can make it to karaoke but it's unlikely before 1 or even 2pm...gak. should be fun though i hope!
now that i'm actually going out, i really want those boots...x_x
i wonder why us humans say we won't do something ever again and then we go do it. are we really that stupid?......... o_o i guess so. curses.
at least that's what my stomach is saying. "idiot idiot idiot!" of course in japanese, 'cause everything sounds cooler like that. so more like "ahou ahou ahou!" :P
guess that's about it. money will be a bit tight, but not desperately so. should be good till my next paycheck...
guess that's about it for now. fight-o oh! XD
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
A lot...
I haven't been very good at keeping up with this. Sorry.
It is now going on day three where I haven't had any classes to teach. I think anyone else would love this kind of situation but...it bothers me. I don't know whether I inherited this trait from my mom or what. I don't mind being unproductive as long as I can have the privacy to do so. But sometimes, I really don't mind having work to do. Being productive does feel good after all.
I've read a lot of fanfiction recently to keep my mind alert. Yes, old fanfiction, but like a lot in the world today, there isn't a lot worth paying attention to. I'd ask the Head English teacher again, but...I'm afraid she'd be angry for bugging her. And counting asking the other teachers, I've asked for the schedule at least 3 times. I'm basically at a loss at what to do. Perhaps I should ask mom...ironically that sounds like a good idea... o_o
The weather here is still nice, on the upside.
On a more personal note, crying about you know what hurts the same every time. But at least the post-crying seems to make me feel better each time. It's true that all I can think about when crying is admitting that I'm weak after all. I wanted to cry to J-chan, but somehow maybe that wasn't okay. I had to check my own strength every now and then. But somehow in my defeat I think its fine if I can't stand on my feet. But last night there was one small thought that asked myself if that was really fine after all. This morning though as the last remnents of crying faded away, I awoke and thought, crying is fine, even hating him is fine. But I guess I don't want to lose after all. When I'm knocked down, I want to get up and fight. He doesn't need me. In fact, he'd rather I stay a safe arm-length away. No matter how much that truth hurts it's still the truth. Maybe it's really fine after all.
いいんです。。。別に。
Anyways, back to the lighter notes. I'm considering translating on this kanji, as it would be good practice. I thought about making worksheets, but I really can't bring myself to do all that work if they're not used. I better have some classes to teach today, otherwise I'll really start worry I did something wrong... :/
Took me a while to figure out the kanji i was translated were names. Go figure. Once again I didn't read directions (or something similar). Perhaps I'll also remember to get up and walk around during the breaks... :P
Even though I probably won't join the guitar club, cause god knows they probably don't have time to teach me...I still want to get a guitar and play. At least it'll be something else to keep me busy.
So...looks like its arts and crafts club after all. Whoot.
The weekend is near...I hope.
It is now going on day three where I haven't had any classes to teach. I think anyone else would love this kind of situation but...it bothers me. I don't know whether I inherited this trait from my mom or what. I don't mind being unproductive as long as I can have the privacy to do so. But sometimes, I really don't mind having work to do. Being productive does feel good after all.
I've read a lot of fanfiction recently to keep my mind alert. Yes, old fanfiction, but like a lot in the world today, there isn't a lot worth paying attention to. I'd ask the Head English teacher again, but...I'm afraid she'd be angry for bugging her. And counting asking the other teachers, I've asked for the schedule at least 3 times. I'm basically at a loss at what to do. Perhaps I should ask mom...ironically that sounds like a good idea... o_o
The weather here is still nice, on the upside.
On a more personal note, crying about you know what hurts the same every time. But at least the post-crying seems to make me feel better each time. It's true that all I can think about when crying is admitting that I'm weak after all. I wanted to cry to J-chan, but somehow maybe that wasn't okay. I had to check my own strength every now and then. But somehow in my defeat I think its fine if I can't stand on my feet. But last night there was one small thought that asked myself if that was really fine after all. This morning though as the last remnents of crying faded away, I awoke and thought, crying is fine, even hating him is fine. But I guess I don't want to lose after all. When I'm knocked down, I want to get up and fight. He doesn't need me. In fact, he'd rather I stay a safe arm-length away. No matter how much that truth hurts it's still the truth. Maybe it's really fine after all.
いいんです。。。別に。
Anyways, back to the lighter notes. I'm considering translating on this kanji, as it would be good practice. I thought about making worksheets, but I really can't bring myself to do all that work if they're not used. I better have some classes to teach today, otherwise I'll really start worry I did something wrong... :/
Took me a while to figure out the kanji i was translated were names. Go figure. Once again I didn't read directions (or something similar). Perhaps I'll also remember to get up and walk around during the breaks... :P
Even though I probably won't join the guitar club, cause god knows they probably don't have time to teach me...I still want to get a guitar and play. At least it'll be something else to keep me busy.
So...looks like its arts and crafts club after all. Whoot.
The weekend is near...I hope.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
yeah....
so, i've kinda given up on the whole uploading pictures thing. that's how low my motivation has sunk. :P
although it kinda made me angry and hurt to hear k-san's comments, a part of me had a new resolution to just try harder. the world doesn't care how much you cry. just how useful you are. so to make it through, i guess i gotta choose the latter.
first, by joining a club. although the kids do kendo, after talking to one of them, i see that there isn't actually a kendo club in the school as they do it with a program at the gym. In that case, I'd choose kyuudo rather than kendo. And as for the school club, I was thinking either guitar or crafts. I don't really have an interest in sports, and I'm fine giving up more of my private life time, just not all of it.
Speaking of private life, one thought crossed my mind, although I may have already mentioned it. That if the emotions of my private life can't interfere with my work, then bitterly, i thought, maybe because i am the way i am, i shouldn't be allowed to have one. despite the awful, giving-up-kind of feeling, it's one that was sadly familiar to me. but perhaps i just like self-pitying myself way too much.
i realized there are times when i can be a very strong person. when no matter how much i'm hit or kicked or hurt, i still push through. but to be honest, and there are few people i've shown this side too, i'm actually very weak. I do get lonely and hurt easily. And I become defensive without thinking about it, in order to protect my pride. But...I guess that's me just being human. I could go on, but I won't as it would stray too far from the "Japan" topic.
I've been watching a load of dramas lately, Japanese of course, because i have little motivation for much else and i do go in looking for answers. And sometimes I find them. But no matter how many answers I find, there's always one that beats sadly silently inside me.
in one of the dramas, they said that the guy was a coward for killing himself. but that's not the way i saw it, after hearing the contents of his letter. no...to me, he was sacrificing himself as a way of protecting the girl he loved. it's true he was no good at showing his love for someone, but he still believed he loved her. maybe love, is self-defined after all.
I've been feeling sick a little this weekend, but I woke up feeling better. Well, physically anyways. I also woke up with the "Hey there Delilah" song stuck in my head. I remember when m-chan said she didn't get it and it was stupid. And I was hurt. But then I remembered the one line that said "our friends would all make fun of us and we'd just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way" and i feel like that line addressed her attitude. But it can't be helped, because she really didn't get it. That was one though I had. The second was a reminder of how much I really wanted that world back again. And how I never could reach that goal.
I know it's straying but something's been bugging my lately. Two things. First, about whether or not I'd be okay just being by d-chan's side or not. I have all these thoughts that crash around inside my head, about how painful it would be, how much of a burden i would be, and how much pride i'm willing to give up..for something that would probably end up becoming nothing. But as usual I guess that question can only be answered when I see him again.
second, i was shocked myself when i realized how worried i was about j-chan when he had called several times. no matter how much i tried to force myself to believe in him that he would be okay, i didn't. at first i thought i'd really done it and fallen in love, but then i suppose later i realized it was more of a worried-about-younger-sibling- kind of love after all. i doubt i'd be that worried about d-chan. i've always thought i've loved him more, so then i suppose the reason would be that i not only believe, but i Know he's capable of taking care of himself. maybe that's what i'm missing from j-chan. but it's okay, because he offers a kind of love too, a gentle patience that d-chan most def lacked.
and one thing i've not mentioned before, i'm hurt by the fact that d-chan so easily stopped being in love with me. and i'd desperately like to believe that day will come for me too. but these feelings always come back to me. perhaps, thats why the world feels so small sometimes. i've been told it makes us stronger and wiser. but at the end of the day, i feel neither. only bitter, lonely and an unbeliever. i just hope i can give up for good, before i'm given a chance to make the choice for real. reality sucks. hearing the truth bites. "but i touch the flame, cause i'm a curious cat..." god damn, that is so my song right now :P
i think i've given up for the most part in trying to find a japanese guy. i'm no good at the relationship stuff anyways... :/ besides, i hear japanese guys are fairly serious about marriage and quick to decide. and god knows i can't make that work. i still gotta stick to what i think, if u wanna be by someone's side forever, don't bother with the piece of paper. despite what j-chan says, i still think so.
i haven't dreamed of him lately. but my dreams are still disturbing...and sometimes rather frightening none-the-less.
anyways, that's far too much straying. as for japan, there are some random notes i've been making. first, i've pretty much gotten used to hang-drying my stuff.
i still haven't gotten used to the driver seat being on the left. or the fact that taxi doors are all controlled by the driver.
the night sky is just as beautiful as the day one behind my apartment. the twilight is just as lovely as the sunset. this landscape really reminds me of a different world, time, and even consciousness (like reality vs. a dream). There's something nostalgic, quiet and calming, with a tinge of sadness, as i watch the train go by over the still, yet expansive rice fields. the bright light blue and yellow lights that show signs of small city across the fields reminds me of staring out over an ocean towards the shore. i feel like my life has been painted over by a thin, white film. my happiness, my sadness, my loneliness and comfort, they've all become one feeling mixed with resolution. i felt it when i watched the koi fish as it lightly rained, or when i looked at the scene i just described.
but that's straying too.
other random notes. the frogs dropping from the overhang of my door freak me out. i think if it hadn't been me i would've laughed. but as it Was me, i just shrieked. The random tiny bugs that come flying towards me as i ride my bike also freak me out.
the coke here seems particularly fizzy.
i managed to break my umbrella, although the fact that i bought it at the equivalent of a dollar store probably doesn't help. i'm not sure what to do with it in terms of throwing it out...and with the notice, i'm now afraid to do anything other than what i've been doing. same with the glass...and might just bring them back to throw out out in america...that's me avoiding stuff. yeah...and me being a hypocrite for chiding j-chan for the same thing. go me.
i also bought some real food..or well, other food than what i've been eating for the past month. i spent a little more, but i think my body will thank me. i hope haha. i've decided to buy nuts every week, a little bit of meat and some fruit. perhaps thats also a reason as to why i'm feeling a bit better. i'm trying really hard not to buy processed stuff, like frozen dinners or meals-in-a-box. although i think i've given in to my ramen cravings lol.
apparently the yamaya is out of twix And snickers. god, i hope they get another shipment, otherwise it's time to make up a bit of a lie....heeeeh...
that one song that they elementary school kids sing in the morning has become stuck in my head...at least it's a good melody pop song.
i've been told my japanese has gotten better. hardly...though i don't speak it very often, maybe in spurts throughout the day. maybe if i can manage to join kyuudo and perhaps mixi (by the way, how the hell is a 250 dollar phone cheap??? oh right. it's 'cause i'm a gaijin-san, because for the japanese it would be since they can pay it off in installments....haaaaaa...i hate making friends the old fashion way :P)...i can start using it more. i also hope to see the other teacher who's around my age, but that won't happen till next month, because lucky me, i'm stuck at the middle school for the rest of the month.
i am however looking forward to the school festival and hope its as much fun as they say. there's also supposedly an international festival the day after in sendai (god i'll be worn out, thank god i have the monday off). should be interesting and hopefully it's not a "festival" as in actually just panel discussions, god those are boring.
also, i'm so glad that the japanese people are understanding, and i do now feel terribly guilty for my lack of ability to control my emotions. i just hope i can still retain my humanity and self-ness while i learn to plaster a smile on my face despite whatever inner torment i'm actually feeling. heh..i know d-chan hated when i did that. but i guess that'll come in handy in this job.
coffee jello is great. i gotta find more of that stuff. did i mention i like pizza toast? XD i think i did..oops.
also...since i've decided on getting cereal, i think perhaps i'll need a permanent spoon and fork.
i do enjoy the one drama i'm watching now, although it's rather silly.
today's only task: wiping all the jelly ranchers one by one. i hope it works. i don't really wanna go out today...but i may need to, to get paper towels for it. but i've already been to jusco several times...and it's unlikely that the students have anywhere Near 30 of my fake dollars.
i really really don't wanna go out today...
i guess we'll see how bored i get.
now that i've written an unnessarily lengthy blog chapter, i'd better stop.
here's to hoping my life here and i will become better all 'round.
ja.
although it kinda made me angry and hurt to hear k-san's comments, a part of me had a new resolution to just try harder. the world doesn't care how much you cry. just how useful you are. so to make it through, i guess i gotta choose the latter.
first, by joining a club. although the kids do kendo, after talking to one of them, i see that there isn't actually a kendo club in the school as they do it with a program at the gym. In that case, I'd choose kyuudo rather than kendo. And as for the school club, I was thinking either guitar or crafts. I don't really have an interest in sports, and I'm fine giving up more of my private life time, just not all of it.
Speaking of private life, one thought crossed my mind, although I may have already mentioned it. That if the emotions of my private life can't interfere with my work, then bitterly, i thought, maybe because i am the way i am, i shouldn't be allowed to have one. despite the awful, giving-up-kind of feeling, it's one that was sadly familiar to me. but perhaps i just like self-pitying myself way too much.
i realized there are times when i can be a very strong person. when no matter how much i'm hit or kicked or hurt, i still push through. but to be honest, and there are few people i've shown this side too, i'm actually very weak. I do get lonely and hurt easily. And I become defensive without thinking about it, in order to protect my pride. But...I guess that's me just being human. I could go on, but I won't as it would stray too far from the "Japan" topic.
I've been watching a load of dramas lately, Japanese of course, because i have little motivation for much else and i do go in looking for answers. And sometimes I find them. But no matter how many answers I find, there's always one that beats sadly silently inside me.
in one of the dramas, they said that the guy was a coward for killing himself. but that's not the way i saw it, after hearing the contents of his letter. no...to me, he was sacrificing himself as a way of protecting the girl he loved. it's true he was no good at showing his love for someone, but he still believed he loved her. maybe love, is self-defined after all.
I've been feeling sick a little this weekend, but I woke up feeling better. Well, physically anyways. I also woke up with the "Hey there Delilah" song stuck in my head. I remember when m-chan said she didn't get it and it was stupid. And I was hurt. But then I remembered the one line that said "our friends would all make fun of us and we'd just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way" and i feel like that line addressed her attitude. But it can't be helped, because she really didn't get it. That was one though I had. The second was a reminder of how much I really wanted that world back again. And how I never could reach that goal.
I know it's straying but something's been bugging my lately. Two things. First, about whether or not I'd be okay just being by d-chan's side or not. I have all these thoughts that crash around inside my head, about how painful it would be, how much of a burden i would be, and how much pride i'm willing to give up..for something that would probably end up becoming nothing. But as usual I guess that question can only be answered when I see him again.
second, i was shocked myself when i realized how worried i was about j-chan when he had called several times. no matter how much i tried to force myself to believe in him that he would be okay, i didn't. at first i thought i'd really done it and fallen in love, but then i suppose later i realized it was more of a worried-about-younger-sibling- kind of love after all. i doubt i'd be that worried about d-chan. i've always thought i've loved him more, so then i suppose the reason would be that i not only believe, but i Know he's capable of taking care of himself. maybe that's what i'm missing from j-chan. but it's okay, because he offers a kind of love too, a gentle patience that d-chan most def lacked.
and one thing i've not mentioned before, i'm hurt by the fact that d-chan so easily stopped being in love with me. and i'd desperately like to believe that day will come for me too. but these feelings always come back to me. perhaps, thats why the world feels so small sometimes. i've been told it makes us stronger and wiser. but at the end of the day, i feel neither. only bitter, lonely and an unbeliever. i just hope i can give up for good, before i'm given a chance to make the choice for real. reality sucks. hearing the truth bites. "but i touch the flame, cause i'm a curious cat..." god damn, that is so my song right now :P
i think i've given up for the most part in trying to find a japanese guy. i'm no good at the relationship stuff anyways... :/ besides, i hear japanese guys are fairly serious about marriage and quick to decide. and god knows i can't make that work. i still gotta stick to what i think, if u wanna be by someone's side forever, don't bother with the piece of paper. despite what j-chan says, i still think so.
i haven't dreamed of him lately. but my dreams are still disturbing...and sometimes rather frightening none-the-less.
anyways, that's far too much straying. as for japan, there are some random notes i've been making. first, i've pretty much gotten used to hang-drying my stuff.
i still haven't gotten used to the driver seat being on the left. or the fact that taxi doors are all controlled by the driver.
the night sky is just as beautiful as the day one behind my apartment. the twilight is just as lovely as the sunset. this landscape really reminds me of a different world, time, and even consciousness (like reality vs. a dream). There's something nostalgic, quiet and calming, with a tinge of sadness, as i watch the train go by over the still, yet expansive rice fields. the bright light blue and yellow lights that show signs of small city across the fields reminds me of staring out over an ocean towards the shore. i feel like my life has been painted over by a thin, white film. my happiness, my sadness, my loneliness and comfort, they've all become one feeling mixed with resolution. i felt it when i watched the koi fish as it lightly rained, or when i looked at the scene i just described.
but that's straying too.
other random notes. the frogs dropping from the overhang of my door freak me out. i think if it hadn't been me i would've laughed. but as it Was me, i just shrieked. The random tiny bugs that come flying towards me as i ride my bike also freak me out.
the coke here seems particularly fizzy.
i managed to break my umbrella, although the fact that i bought it at the equivalent of a dollar store probably doesn't help. i'm not sure what to do with it in terms of throwing it out...and with the notice, i'm now afraid to do anything other than what i've been doing. same with the glass...and might just bring them back to throw out out in america...that's me avoiding stuff. yeah...and me being a hypocrite for chiding j-chan for the same thing. go me.
i also bought some real food..or well, other food than what i've been eating for the past month. i spent a little more, but i think my body will thank me. i hope haha. i've decided to buy nuts every week, a little bit of meat and some fruit. perhaps thats also a reason as to why i'm feeling a bit better. i'm trying really hard not to buy processed stuff, like frozen dinners or meals-in-a-box. although i think i've given in to my ramen cravings lol.
apparently the yamaya is out of twix And snickers. god, i hope they get another shipment, otherwise it's time to make up a bit of a lie....heeeeh...
that one song that they elementary school kids sing in the morning has become stuck in my head...at least it's a good melody pop song.
i've been told my japanese has gotten better. hardly...though i don't speak it very often, maybe in spurts throughout the day. maybe if i can manage to join kyuudo and perhaps mixi (by the way, how the hell is a 250 dollar phone cheap??? oh right. it's 'cause i'm a gaijin-san, because for the japanese it would be since they can pay it off in installments....haaaaaa...i hate making friends the old fashion way :P)...i can start using it more. i also hope to see the other teacher who's around my age, but that won't happen till next month, because lucky me, i'm stuck at the middle school for the rest of the month.
i am however looking forward to the school festival and hope its as much fun as they say. there's also supposedly an international festival the day after in sendai (god i'll be worn out, thank god i have the monday off). should be interesting and hopefully it's not a "festival" as in actually just panel discussions, god those are boring.
also, i'm so glad that the japanese people are understanding, and i do now feel terribly guilty for my lack of ability to control my emotions. i just hope i can still retain my humanity and self-ness while i learn to plaster a smile on my face despite whatever inner torment i'm actually feeling. heh..i know d-chan hated when i did that. but i guess that'll come in handy in this job.
coffee jello is great. i gotta find more of that stuff. did i mention i like pizza toast? XD i think i did..oops.
also...since i've decided on getting cereal, i think perhaps i'll need a permanent spoon and fork.
i do enjoy the one drama i'm watching now, although it's rather silly.
today's only task: wiping all the jelly ranchers one by one. i hope it works. i don't really wanna go out today...but i may need to, to get paper towels for it. but i've already been to jusco several times...and it's unlikely that the students have anywhere Near 30 of my fake dollars.
i really really don't wanna go out today...
i guess we'll see how bored i get.
now that i've written an unnessarily lengthy blog chapter, i'd better stop.
here's to hoping my life here and i will become better all 'round.
ja.
Friday, October 8, 2010
According to the bible...
God created the world in 7 days. Or something like that.
How does that relate? In on way other than, a lot of shit can happen in a week.
The junior high kids, now that they know about my fake money, have started talking to me. Only for the money though. How do I know? Basically what most of them say is "hello, money please" and sometimes that's just shorted to "money" with gestures. How greedy. But they're kids and its really my fault. I wonder when they'll figure out I got the candy here. Curse yamaya for not carrying the same american candy, except M&Ms....x_x But I'll cross that bridge...if its not burned by the time I get there :P
J-chan visited, which was great. We went around the city a bit, and it was nice having him around again. Despite the one little awkward, but brief quarrel. We tried the ramen here, and I'm quite disappointed at the lack of good ramen in Japan. Ironic. I ate way too many fattening and sweet stuff. I was also able to show him the koi fish, although it was a bit too dark to take any good pictures. And of course, I was asked by a few middle school girls about him. Watching the wheels turn in their heads was amusing for sure. I guess I get annoyed sometimes when he's around, but when he's not, I guess it feels like something's missing. And at least, he's easy to be around. And I'm definitely willing to admit that I do love him, even though we've come to the conclusion that what we both feel is not a heart-fluttering kind of love. But after all, I think this is the best kind anyways. Best not to get too deep into the fluff, lest you choke on it.
Anyways, in terms more of school, and more towards the end of the week, I was finally commented on my performance. I almost forgot they were monitoring that, or rather I wasn't expecting comments so soon. Due to yesterday's emotional fiasco, which was entirely my fault for J-chan missing the bus and spending on this money x_x...I was a complete reck. I already know that I'm ruled by my emotions and while its gotten me into trouble before, I never really saw it as a huge problem. Until now. And I'd really rather not lose a second job to it. But because it goes against everything I believe in, because I believe it betrays and disrespects your true feelings, to laugh and smile and pretend nothing is wrong when you're actually in emotional turmoil, I don't know if I can do it. It'd be easier if I could just be cold and believe I don't care. That, I've been able to do. But to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not.....................I can now understand more and more why the teachers don't really care or like to teach and why they act the way they do. I now see that not only might I become like that, I may have to. And I can't see any way in which that can be good. And I really am afraid my true self will betray me.
I've realized that I was vain in thinking I was independent. Because this has clearly showed me I'm not. I need to quickly stop depending on so many people. I only become annoying and useless if I do. But being alone, despite the twisted pride that comes along with it, is something I can deal with. It's been a philosophy I've struggled with for years anyways.
As for other lighter notes, I now just have to sign up a regular phone plan. I can't believe that health insurance costs as much as it does, judging from what the other ALTs said they had to pay. That's about it. I need to call J-ALT to ask him about signing up. Perhaps I'll let him use my internet and maybe we can have a small party with drinks and a movie. And it's fine. Just go back to where my trust doesn't get dealt out to everyone because I don't plan on anything more than acquaintances.
I guess I function better that way anyways.
If I keep it that way, I can get by, without losing the reality of the necessity to be independent. Yappari, it comes down to being able to be strong by myself. Being asked to shoulder more responsibility in the classroom and join a club which I'll probably have to go to every day even though I won't be at the school that day, I realize that my life here is not as much my own as I thought it was. How bitterly realistic. My hobby is...I like doing nothing. If my choice was to constantly be busy or have a lot of free time, I'd choose the latter. After all, the company I enjoy the most, is my own. I guess that makes me twisted. Huh..that became dark again.
On another lighter note, I made pizza on toast. Which was more delicious than I thought. I realize that it's not the kids I hate, despite the fact some of them are of course brats. It's the adults I can't stand.
Gonna buy something to drink this weekend whether there's someone to share it with or not. Here's to my life, which I re-realized that no matter how sun-shiny a dream it is, reality is somewhere twisted in between. But it's okay. At least I can laugh and cry at the insanity of it all.
*raises her shot-glass* Conpai. (cheers.)
How does that relate? In on way other than, a lot of shit can happen in a week.
The junior high kids, now that they know about my fake money, have started talking to me. Only for the money though. How do I know? Basically what most of them say is "hello, money please" and sometimes that's just shorted to "money" with gestures. How greedy. But they're kids and its really my fault. I wonder when they'll figure out I got the candy here. Curse yamaya for not carrying the same american candy, except M&Ms....x_x But I'll cross that bridge...if its not burned by the time I get there :P
J-chan visited, which was great. We went around the city a bit, and it was nice having him around again. Despite the one little awkward, but brief quarrel. We tried the ramen here, and I'm quite disappointed at the lack of good ramen in Japan. Ironic. I ate way too many fattening and sweet stuff. I was also able to show him the koi fish, although it was a bit too dark to take any good pictures. And of course, I was asked by a few middle school girls about him. Watching the wheels turn in their heads was amusing for sure. I guess I get annoyed sometimes when he's around, but when he's not, I guess it feels like something's missing. And at least, he's easy to be around. And I'm definitely willing to admit that I do love him, even though we've come to the conclusion that what we both feel is not a heart-fluttering kind of love. But after all, I think this is the best kind anyways. Best not to get too deep into the fluff, lest you choke on it.
Anyways, in terms more of school, and more towards the end of the week, I was finally commented on my performance. I almost forgot they were monitoring that, or rather I wasn't expecting comments so soon. Due to yesterday's emotional fiasco, which was entirely my fault for J-chan missing the bus and spending on this money x_x...I was a complete reck. I already know that I'm ruled by my emotions and while its gotten me into trouble before, I never really saw it as a huge problem. Until now. And I'd really rather not lose a second job to it. But because it goes against everything I believe in, because I believe it betrays and disrespects your true feelings, to laugh and smile and pretend nothing is wrong when you're actually in emotional turmoil, I don't know if I can do it. It'd be easier if I could just be cold and believe I don't care. That, I've been able to do. But to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not.....................I can now understand more and more why the teachers don't really care or like to teach and why they act the way they do. I now see that not only might I become like that, I may have to. And I can't see any way in which that can be good. And I really am afraid my true self will betray me.
I've realized that I was vain in thinking I was independent. Because this has clearly showed me I'm not. I need to quickly stop depending on so many people. I only become annoying and useless if I do. But being alone, despite the twisted pride that comes along with it, is something I can deal with. It's been a philosophy I've struggled with for years anyways.
As for other lighter notes, I now just have to sign up a regular phone plan. I can't believe that health insurance costs as much as it does, judging from what the other ALTs said they had to pay. That's about it. I need to call J-ALT to ask him about signing up. Perhaps I'll let him use my internet and maybe we can have a small party with drinks and a movie. And it's fine. Just go back to where my trust doesn't get dealt out to everyone because I don't plan on anything more than acquaintances.
I guess I function better that way anyways.
If I keep it that way, I can get by, without losing the reality of the necessity to be independent. Yappari, it comes down to being able to be strong by myself. Being asked to shoulder more responsibility in the classroom and join a club which I'll probably have to go to every day even though I won't be at the school that day, I realize that my life here is not as much my own as I thought it was. How bitterly realistic. My hobby is...I like doing nothing. If my choice was to constantly be busy or have a lot of free time, I'd choose the latter. After all, the company I enjoy the most, is my own. I guess that makes me twisted. Huh..that became dark again.
On another lighter note, I made pizza on toast. Which was more delicious than I thought. I realize that it's not the kids I hate, despite the fact some of them are of course brats. It's the adults I can't stand.
Gonna buy something to drink this weekend whether there's someone to share it with or not. Here's to my life, which I re-realized that no matter how sun-shiny a dream it is, reality is somewhere twisted in between. But it's okay. At least I can laugh and cry at the insanity of it all.
*raises her shot-glass* Conpai. (cheers.)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
long trip
kinda made me not want to go to Tokyo ever again. I don't have the motivation to write anything long so I'll note what I can.
I was able to find everything okay, but there was a lot of wandering around aimlessley. Next time, I'll make sure to get a hotel closeby. Because the hostel is absolutely awful...that had to be the worst night spent in a hotel/hostel environment. It didn't help that I was probably dehydrated and stressed, which produced something like a hangover...only without the pleasure of getting drunk. Gah. And go figure I spent more money getting to the place. I guess that's what I get though, for not having confidence in my public traveling skills. I did manage to not get lost the morning after on my way to the station, although I sure felt like an idiot at the ticket entrance. Good thing many Japanese people have a hella lot of patience. The town of Asakusa (I think) was definitely really Japan...at least I couldn't even pretend it looked like part of America. I wish I had more time to explore...but with a time limit and a destination it's easy to miss some great things. I think it'd be nice (though expensive) to just take the trains to somewhere random, with no destination to be headed towards. I did at least experience a Japanese train which was all right once I got on. Being my only option to get from place to place, at least it was cheap. Relatively.
I wish I also had taken more pictures as well. But for some reason there were a hella lot of foreigners wandeirng around and well- I really didn't want to draw that kind of attention to myself. Oh well...we'll have to be happy with the number of pictures I Do end up with.
So all in all, I think traveling could be fun. But I sure haven't had such great experiences so far...
(Finally, you made it on :P)
In short, I also was able to get my stamp, yay! And a bank account, and again, thank god many Japanese people have crazy patience.
J-chan is finally here :) Although I really wish we had more time... :( I'm so worried about how we should spend our time, and I wish I could show him more interesting things but...my energy lacks during the week, and it wouldn't be easy to travel too far. Historical, natural sites would be fun...I wish I could show him onsen and a festival, but no such things will happen this week. But between anime, and shopping...and I have so many errands already...it's really unfortunate.
Some day, though, surely we can come back and it'll be fun. I hope...because I'm dissapointed this is all his experience in Japan will amount to. :(
On one last note, the other ALT contacted me to hang out. Seems he's doing all right, but also it seems just as hard for him to make Japanese friends. Hopefully once I get mixi, it will be okay. Can't wait for the complex applying for stuff this afternoon... x_x first things first though, i just hope we can make it there on time. should be interesting. as always.
ja.
I was able to find everything okay, but there was a lot of wandering around aimlessley. Next time, I'll make sure to get a hotel closeby. Because the hostel is absolutely awful...that had to be the worst night spent in a hotel/hostel environment. It didn't help that I was probably dehydrated and stressed, which produced something like a hangover...only without the pleasure of getting drunk. Gah. And go figure I spent more money getting to the place. I guess that's what I get though, for not having confidence in my public traveling skills. I did manage to not get lost the morning after on my way to the station, although I sure felt like an idiot at the ticket entrance. Good thing many Japanese people have a hella lot of patience. The town of Asakusa (I think) was definitely really Japan...at least I couldn't even pretend it looked like part of America. I wish I had more time to explore...but with a time limit and a destination it's easy to miss some great things. I think it'd be nice (though expensive) to just take the trains to somewhere random, with no destination to be headed towards. I did at least experience a Japanese train which was all right once I got on. Being my only option to get from place to place, at least it was cheap. Relatively.
I wish I also had taken more pictures as well. But for some reason there were a hella lot of foreigners wandeirng around and well- I really didn't want to draw that kind of attention to myself. Oh well...we'll have to be happy with the number of pictures I Do end up with.
So all in all, I think traveling could be fun. But I sure haven't had such great experiences so far...
(Finally, you made it on :P)
In short, I also was able to get my stamp, yay! And a bank account, and again, thank god many Japanese people have crazy patience.
J-chan is finally here :) Although I really wish we had more time... :( I'm so worried about how we should spend our time, and I wish I could show him more interesting things but...my energy lacks during the week, and it wouldn't be easy to travel too far. Historical, natural sites would be fun...I wish I could show him onsen and a festival, but no such things will happen this week. But between anime, and shopping...and I have so many errands already...it's really unfortunate.
Some day, though, surely we can come back and it'll be fun. I hope...because I'm dissapointed this is all his experience in Japan will amount to. :(
On one last note, the other ALT contacted me to hang out. Seems he's doing all right, but also it seems just as hard for him to make Japanese friends. Hopefully once I get mixi, it will be okay. Can't wait for the complex applying for stuff this afternoon... x_x first things first though, i just hope we can make it there on time. should be interesting. as always.
ja.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)