it's been too long..x_x

so much for trying to have a blog where i update every day...go figure lol.

let's see...what's been up recently?. um...well, i've been presented the decision to stay in japan or go back to america. at first i was leaning towards staying in japan, because well, i do like it...and i'd have more than i'd probably have in america, in terms of a job. basically the feeling there i guess was that i didn't want the adventure to end quite yet.

but then i realized that it'd cost more to pay for a plane ticket to go to america then back to japan for blood and kidney tests...more than i have savings, or at least all that i managed to save..which would suck like hell..

but maybe, i'm looking for an excuse. maybe...

somehow i caved like always and talked to d-chan...and the more i talked to him about it, the more my excuses sounded more like just that. excuses and not reasons...

but more about that later. i should get back into japan.

a few reasons why i also thought i should go back are little things about my job that tick me off (and f-u for saying "that's how it is with all jobs, 'cause like u'd understand). basically like, i slept in by accident, still managed to get to school by the time classes started, and was Still chided by the scary vice principal..thinking i didn't get to school on time because i overslept because i didn't get to bed on time and it takes a long time to get to school. but it's not that...its just that i forgot to set my alarm (which i still guess is my fault but still)...what really ticked me off was that i couldn't say anything. and plus the usual...that goody-two-shoes "i know everything about english" assistant teacher..god...he's so annoying...the silent power struggle is ridiculous.

plus the other stuff. about saying i'm not doing enough, yet even when i ask, the teachers say the lessons are already done and don't need my help. or they're yabber in japanese then relay the plan to me...and esp with that assistant there, i doubt he'd accept any of my plans...haaa..

plus, the small, but irritating criticism about not pronouncing clearly, god dammit, i pronounce so clearly that the words don't even sound natural. and fuck whatever they think, i refuse to pronounce the words in katakana...that's just so fucking stupid...

in any case the next sections will go hand in hand. first, that i'm just not sure i can deal with the stupid school system and the hush hush attitude of the japanese...in just about every aspect here, i have to go completely against the way i think. which is to voice my opinions and emotions strongly. i dont know since when i've been like that, but i just feel like i'm true to myself when i'm like that. and for sure hell, its gotten me into lots of trouble..heh...but here in many aspects i'm told to suppress my desires and emotions. in kyuudou and in my job...to not let it show under any circumstances...even though i def see the other teachers snap once in a while...its interesting because it's kinda like what j-chan talked about..not being able to express how you feel because you'll be seen as petty...oh well...

so i'm thinking many i should just ask for a recommendation letter and run with it. run with the money i've saved up and the good words about me and see what i can do from there. am i satisfied? i guess...

plus, recently, another goal fulfillment has come into sight. i've been offered a chance to perform live. which would be great...i do hope it goes well (i'm still not sure about the songs i chose, and wish i could do one i wrote (tho i've always come up with shitty stuff when i have), but...). and even so, i think becoming the famous singer is a bit beyond my dreams, but i guess it's okay, maybe it's not really what i want or would make me happy anyways...but i think how i feel after that, i'll be able to send my response to the company about whether i want to stay or not. but as of now i guess i'll go back. if i stay...i'll feel like the dream i was so enjoying would be ending and become my cold world again. and i really really don't want that...so...yeah....i dont know. something like that.

but is that the real reason? and now i get back to what i said "i'd get back to later" up above. once again, i guess i'll be making a decision because of a guy..or guys rather this time. but...i guess i shouldn't let myself run away from that any longer. and complete my original plan as well..planned. to make the visits one after another...to see m-chan, then d-chan, then finally come back to j-chan...and hopefully by then i'll have completed my journey. and feel like i'm coming back home. i just hope i have the strength and courage to complete that part of the journey too.

i've been thinking about what to say to you...i have all these scenes and images in my head...and i might even even be able to decide, and just do what i'll do on the spot...but in any case that might be even a little more private than what i can post...and i guess i don't want any spoilers for sure...heh. so that's it. all i can say is that hopefully i'll be able to bow out with true gratitude. if it really will be the end. and at least that's the very least i want. to a 3+ year long battle with these feelings...and it's okay if i can't do it without sacrificing my dignity at first, because as i said before, shouting all my feelings from the heart is when i feel most like myself...

anyways as for the rest...i think i've given up on my social life for now. i've only two more months here and no one can seem to make time for me..selfish sounding i know but it's how i feel. it's true and that's all. i guess i'll keep asking, but it's not like i expect them to say yes anymore. basically..i just gotta keep thinking i don't mind...i don't mind...

to deviate deeper into my heart again, (sorry!), it's silly 'cause i know what the right decision is most of the time, even though really it's what you want and what u think will make you happy that matters...to stay in japan would be the right decision. and to chose you would be the right decision. but i'll choose the decision where i can speak out the most and make my feelings known. which is why it'll probably be to go back. and as for the 2nd...it's not that i'm being tied to you. it's not pity and it's not that i'd be settling either. when the outcome becomes clear, it'll truly feel like the right decision.

on a similar note, it's silly to think that i can only live with one person and not need anyone else...but maybe it's possible. i pretty much did it for so long before without realizing it lol...but you're right. we can't pretend to be in love or try to force it. because if we try and turn it into something its not then it'll just fall apart faster...so for now..we'll just go on as we have. and that kind of life of comfort and friendship is the one that to me, is worth going back for.

even if it's a life tinged with sadness or loneliness or emptiness, if it's peaceful i suppose then it's all right. then i really don't mind. because maybe that's enough. i'll karaoke as much as possible and drag myself to kyuudou in the cold as many times as possible and keep asking people to hang out. i'll put everything i've got into lesson plans and do my best to subdue my feelings. so that when it's over..i won't have any regrets...

but for closure and home, maybe it's time...?

random bits...

k, just wanted to get this down. about my dream the other night..and so many conclusions could be drawn i suppose...but anyhow here goes. basically it was a mixture of the Pocahontas "colors of the wind" scenes mixed with the Fantasia 2000 piece with the volcano phoenix and nature girl. was cooler in my dream i swear :P basically, it started out in the Fantasia 2000 scene with a world of darkness and ash, and I guess I was Pocahontas and singing her song and all. And then a blond guy stood beside me, tho who it was exactly duno...in any case, the ending of the song came and i tapped the branch/staff thing she carried into the ground and the world of ash became a bright and beautiful green world, the trees began to grow and so did the grass. Was pretty cool, for as lame as it sounds in writing..the whole thing was pretty weird considering i hadn't seen either films in years...but as for conclusions, maybe it had to do with the fact that i was bothered part of the night, restless in bed, and mentally tossing and turning about what else but love.

once again i feel like i'm nearing another great turning point of my life. do i stay or do i go? do i risk it all for a guy? do i possibly make the same mistake i did before, excusing it by saying i'm not in love? am i really not in love or am i? am i really allowed to be that selfish to claim u for myself when my feelings aren't "pure"? am i just lonely? is it still that we're not in love, but just that, i don't wanna be lonely, and you want a friend? if we're not in love, why do you always act that way whenever you're around me? this is the kind of scene where i turn chibi and pull at my hair in frustration with giant sweatdrops everywhere...(ironically, i have to say, wow. because for once it's not about the "you" i generally refer to..., tho those thoughts have been here and there too...like, with you it's frustrating and painful to be around you, even if i were to go back, it would just be too much hard work and all it'd accomplish is you wishing i wasn't there...ugh...yet another previous rant...) actually...i feel like either way, it doesn't feel like a complete kind of love....one is calm, eagerly supportive and makes me feel comfortable...but the other occupies my thoughts, makes me feel both ends of the spectrum to the fullest and always draws my heart, thumping wildly back to it...even in my dreams...

have i mentioned, i'm tired?..........-_-'

basically as usual, i don't really know. who i love, if anyone, anymore, if i can even really handle a relationship. it might be fine to "decide" what will make you happy, but you know...i really can't know for sure until something happens..or at least until i make the decision where something Will happen...

but i guess i'll put that aside for now. onto japan-ish related stuff...

i've been trying to be a bit more comfortable around the students, but it seems like i'm just scaring off the deer, esp the male ones...oh dear..heeeeeh..

i still dont even know what i'm supposed to talk about to them. i'm still not even sure i'm cut out for this job, which doesn't help me fall in one direction or another. kah...

i wondered a few times actually, if even tho the school said they'd be fine with me as an ALT for next year, if they really just meant "she's okay, not great, but not awful, so good enough." a gamble on their part too, but i guess they're smart enough and to settle for "okay"...and know not to hope for too much....whereas i can never seem to just be okay with "okay"...haaa...

while making the but cheap, good luck charms, i was thinking about how my kyuudou sensei wasn't exactly thrilled about the one i spent so long to make her...and remembered that not everyone is instantly appreciative of the things i make them (as vain as that sounds, but not sure how else to word it... -_-'). so i kinda figure i shouldn't put that much effort into it. not even sure if they'll even like it...but anyways back to my original thought. so i was thinking that i'm not even sure what i else i can do, what little of it i can do in the first place, and i certainly have no confidence in myself, so a small bit of me was happy (until i remembered that not everyone appreciates it...) of being able to support them. and since i cant express myself well in words to people, by small, physical gifts of support. tho as i said, i'm not even sure i'll give it to them. i guess i'm that easily set back...heh..well that was a jumbled mess of thoughts...good luck trying to figure that out..

anyhow, i've realized a few random things in the past few days. one, that i've lost my appetite for the most part or at least i'm not eating as much.

second, i really wanna sing sometimes...but karaoke doesn't really appeal to me as much as it use to...because going alone is lame, but i can't bother anyone with dragging them along... -_-' not that they seem to want to anyways..but that's been a previous rant. on a sub-rant, i guess quitting guitar club makes me feel like i'm giving up on that dream too...but tbh its not like i had the motivation for it anyways -_-' and on a sub-sub rant, i finally tried to find the clubs today and those specific clubs, no one showed up at the designated spot...(that deserves yet another -_-')

third, i've been sleeping earlier than usual, as in during and before break heh. duno why that is. could be a lack of you, so the boredom has left little else but to sleep. too bad it doesn't help me feel less tired in the mornings...

i dont really know how to describe it other than how i have already. that this has kinda felt like a dream...and now it's coming to an end, even if i were to stay longer. gah i dont know....

i do kinda wanna go back, but..it's not hell here either.

i just wanna be able to be in a place where i can sleep as much as i want and listen to music and wear cute and pretty dresses and do archery at leisure and sing without annoying anyone and just be comfortable and not feel like i'm missing something or needing something i just can't have or sacrificing something for something else or gambling one thing for another...

but i guess that's life, huh....

guess that's it for now...

this week..

yay! this week j-chan came to visit again. slept, and cleaned sunday then picked up j-chan, who somehow got my number wrong :P luckily my senses told me i should head out anyways and managed to get there right when he did. how lucky lol. we went to karaoke sunday, although it kinda turned out to be a dud, since he didn't know much songs, and being me, i was pretty stupidly impatient...oh well the udon was probably the best part lol, though i was disappointed by the icky pastas...heeeh...anyways, my room was full of stuffs, as it tends to when i have long-stay certain male friend visitors but oh well :P

school started back up, and i slipped out of clubs this week, although i did get chided for it..x_x also missed kyuudou practice last night...heeeh...oh well, if i gotta sin, might as well boldy, right? :P anyways moving on.

the week was pretty standard. school during the day, hang out with j-chan at night. cooked food, watched anime, twas fun. :) and kyuudou was okay, at least it was a bit more exciting wed night. fri night had a really damp atmosphere tho, as if everyone was kinda trying to avoid me...and no good-bye's or take cares either.. o_o'

moving on though, fri night, we had some fun, although apparently i've got some more work to do on u j-chan, XP sat night there was some depression floating around..and by god, it sucked trying to be strong for u XP i wonder if u realized it, and i do apologize for seeming to be insensitive. but i dont handle those situations well either. esp when every options seems wrong or enabling...stupid...for making me worry...i don't really want those kind of soft feelings...i Am sorry for having a weak, susceptible heart like that though. saying "i don't care" is one thing, but meaning it is another...heeh...-_-'

anyways, i did buy some food (tho i shouldn't have, kya..money) to keep me comfort lol. guess i'll just chill today, since i dont have anywhere i need ta go. will start up clubs again next week..maybe i'll do a one club per week type a thing...guess i'll ask the head english teacher.

oh ya, on a random note, i got caught in a snowball fight which nearly killed my bare hands with the cold, but it's fine, right? all to loosen up with the kids. :)

anyways, got an unexpected visit from the boss, ka...i always get tense when he comes to talk to me...haa...but apparently i'm wanted here for next year, although, tbh, i'm starting to want to go back now...my only issue is needing a job back in the states...otherwise staying would really be the best option after all...something to think about i guess. i don't really mind teaching, except for that one school which doesn't seem to like me either.

oh, also bought a few new clothes, two shirts and a skirt, haa...spent money on boring, ugly clothes. but i guess anything that's not a black, gray or white sweater, turtle-neck or blazer is considered sexy. stupid....-_-'

guess that's it. ive got a bit to clean up but i'll do that in time. got plenty of it today....

kyuudou

i don't really remember much...shoulda written it down earlier. in any case here's what i do.

it was a really cold day. still some snow on the ground. and yay for waking up early on a saturday. i also remember feeling a little ill, which riding in the car certainly didn't help with..x_x it didn't take long to get there, and i keep being surprised, despite the fact that relatively speaking, japan isn't that big, and i guess when people name different cities, i tend to think of places that must be far away.

aaanyways, so we get there and it kinda looks like a small school or something, or at least the dojo was behind a relatively big building. there were women preparing soup i guess out front too.

so first i got into my kyuudou wear, which to my embarrassment, needed help with...also because it embarrassed my kyuudou sensei as well, haa..so that was not fun. then there was an opening ceremony in the gym. i was told we'd be on TV, like That was supposed to make me excited. It wasn't even 9 AM and I had already made mistakes, probably some i dont even really remember. so some guys in suits spoke, while some other guys sat behind them. it looked like there was kendo, judo and kyuudou groups there. pretty cool i guess heh.

anwyays, so we headed back to the kyuudou dojo, which had an small entrance hall. to the left had traditional japanese style changing rooms for guys and girls to the left as well as a small kitchen, and through a plastic curtain was the open floor for shooting. there were also two old-style heaters, which everyone tended to crowed around. we took some group photos and watched a demonstration, and god help me to remember it...i certainly had no idea, but i did what i could. while people starting shooting in their groups, i got dragged to practice against the straw targets, which i sucked at, and even dropped the arrow. from that point on, i decided i didn't care if i hit the target, just don't let me drop the arrow as that would be far more embarrassing..ka...

(oh somehow it got around that i was american, so i heard the typical japanese "no way!" reaction and one guy even spoke some english "i'm cold" heeeh..i realized only afterwards it was wrong for me to laugh..x_x major oopsie...)

first we did the sitting style, zasha, i guess. i missed the targets completely. but my wish came true, i didn't drop any arrows at all, though i did get scolded for my technique. go figure. not to mention i was so nervous that i certainly didn't walk in and out properly and my legs were shaking the whole time. however, i did manage to hit the target 4 times at least, even if 4 points was all i got XP. I did do better than that one kid, who said he didn't hit them at all...i guess :P anyways, there were 4 rounds all together, the first, the sitting style, the rest, just free shooting the 4 arrows in groups. fairly picturesque of kyuudou competitions, although it was hella windy outside. and cold of course. (tho not So cold as to whine about it, as it seems certain ppl tended to do..-_-')

so between shooting times, and around noon we had lunch. which consisted of the boiled down vegetable soup and a bento box. oh ya, that was the other thing that i messed up with. i managed to somehow lose my 100 yen coin, so what i had counted out at as 500 that i needed, i no longer had and well, looked like an even bigger helpless idiot...haaa..anyways back to lunch. had its basic rice, salmon, meatballs and a few other assorted foods...but that wasn't the uncomfortable part. to be polite, and i wondered if i coulda just sat normally, but i certainly didn't need to be scolded anymore x_x, i sat the whole time with my legs under me..and jesus did that nearly kill my legs..x_x on top of that, yay, i was gassy for some reason, which just added to my nervousness and discomfort.

anyways, we packed up pretty soon and finally after what seemed like forever, though it was only around 4 or so, we left (after waiting forever for y-sensei to get a contact info from one of the dojo's senseis..haa)

anyways that's about it. :) next entry, about this week keeeh...

..wow two in one day...

this again, will have nothing really to do with japan..but it's been on my mind for a while..

I've thought many times about writing a story. Your basic love sob story...basically. I've always been partial the diary style of writing. And for some reason these images really stick out in my mind...much like the image of the intro to peach girl...Something like this:

"I watched your face. The one that was crying, knowing any moment the train would all too soon pull me away, too fast to see my face even shrink away. The mouth that spoke without sound. But I could hear the words through the cellphone pressed tightly against my ear. I remember the snow that blew wildly outside, the snowflakes that certainly only belonged in a dream...

And finally the train lurched back. But this would not be like any other good-bye. If I had known it would've been the last time I'd see you, I would never have hung up. If I had known...I would've reached out and kept waving until I had no more strength left. I would've understood the feelings you felt behind those tears. And I would've cried so much harder."

Or maybe something like this...

"I watched your hand wave back and forth slowly, reaching out the car window as you drove up and over that hill. Watching you disappear while I couldn't follow you was so painful. I remember you said that it was painful for you too, to drive away and leave me behind. And it would only become more painful for the both of us as we continued to love each other..."

Or something like this...

"I remember waking up to the distinct warm scent of the dark red sheets I had gently entangled myself in. The light was dazzling, streaming in softly through the blinds. And there by the bedside, were the small red berries in a glass bowl. Back then I probably teased you, didn't I? But memories such as that, are ones I reach for, in vain now, as I write here late at night...and ones that are dusted with sadness and only seem as tangible as reality as they drift in and out in my dreams..."

Nantoka....Something like that.

Recently, I've become re-infatuated with the character Kikyo. Not that I'm in love with her. Just that I quite admire her and empathize with her quite a great deal. In the end, she still loved Inuyasha. Even though fate tore them apart, she accepted it. And she disappeared with a final smile.

"Even though you were the first person I loved, I couldn't save you."

"You came for me. That's enough."

I wonder if there's something new that's tied me to her. I like that character, because maybe I'm fated to a similar end as her. Or something.

I've been obsessed with the thought of love and relationships lately. Maybe it's because I spend too much time in this room. But that's all I seem to look at. It's silly though...because even with the thought of a new relationship or dating, my heart's just not into it. Not enough to let go, but not enough to fight either. For something old OR something new...

Because...what could I possibly do?...

Whenever I read or watch a girl who's in love with a guy, I understand. So much. Because I can understand wanting to be by his side. Wanting to wrap yourself in his scent...wanting to hold onto his waist and never let go. I understand wanting to be protected by him and protect him in turn. I understand...not needing expensive gifts or vows or anything of the sort. Of only wanting time. To be with him...

But...what could I possibly do?

Is there no seal which can hide you away from me? Nothing that can make me forget the countless memories? It's not that remembering you is painful, it's knowing your indifference. And I feel that I'm slowly become cold and indifferent myself. And even here, halfway around the world, lingering memories of you appear...

Is this what it's like to be trapped within your own heart?

I read that one either controls one's feelings or those feelings overcome them. The latter is certainly true for me...I've always thought I'm strong against anything, but against this...I'm weak. My heart is weak...because inside of it, I'm still crying.

I know I shouldn't see you. Because if I did, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd probably never want to leave. They say that when you love someone, your love is tied with theirs. But my happiness is no longer tied with yours. Because it seems, your happiness is my sadness...and my happiness...can't exist anymore.

Part of me thought today, that if I did see you I'd have to act cold and reasonable. I'd have to say something like "I don't care anymore. I loved you...I really really loved you. But being like that, I lost all respect for myself. And you're not worth it. I can't live like that."

If only...

One person shouldn't be the sole reason for your will...your strength...your happiness...your reason for living...even i've come to sneer on that...because it's only practical to discard such feelings...and yet....

It's not that I don't love you. It's that, I have to stop letting it show...right?

But it would be nice. If you came to see me.

Would it be possible? Would I be allowed to have that one moment of happiness?

if something more isn't meant to happen..then why...do i still feel like this?...why can't i let you go, no matter how hard i try, no matter how much distance i put between us..no matter how much i try to run away...

why won't you let me go...?

意味ない。

this doesn't really have anything to do with japan..but it's been bugging me for a while, so i apologize for the melodrama, but it's my space after all..

i know i'm not the only one who feels this way..but i feel like i really tried...and it seems like i've already gotten the response i'm afraid of the most. of being troublesome and annoying.

even if it may not always be their fault, i message, and yes once or twice i've gotten a response, and no matter how happy they might seem, more often then not they won't ask me in return. they'll say their busy. or they won't even respond...all phone failures? i don't think so...

it makes me feel like a little kid again. i wanna run around screaming throwing stuff and cry...what's so wrong with me, that i can't have friends like normal people?

if i whine like this then i just seem like i'm taking it too personally..that i'm getting so worked up over nothing...and that it happens...

but if i say i don't care, whatever, it doesn't matter...i still end up crying...

on top of already feeling empty, like i'm constantly staring at a blurry cloudy, and snowing sky, i too often feel like either attitude returns me to feeling numb as well.

look at me..i can't even write well anymore...

i would've been content not knowing what it's like to have friends or to be in love...but as a pathetic human, those seems like undeniable desires..

even if i go alone, i hate to admit it isn't much fun...activities that are supposed to be done with friends...i'd rather be disillusioned and think it's better that way. existing without bothering anyone...

i guess the only thing i'm good at is crying and sleeping after all...

not much....

really there's not much to say.

i stayed at the kyuudou-sensei's place. it was a nice, cozy place, and rather western looking on the inside. the food was okay, and they were all very nice. :) her daughters were alot younger than i expected too, but friendly all the same. as Japanese goes, they of course asked me about English too lol. it was pretty okay lol. almost felt like a host family of sorts lol.

I also tried on the kimono and hakama, although when she had said kimono i was thinking full-blown. I guess it was still pretty okay though :) although i looked awful in the pictures..x_x...

Also, as cute as her cats were, i forgot i'm actually allergic to them..x_x it Was pretty cute that i was woken up by kuro though haha. funny they named the cats after the fantasy cat characters from an anime haha.

that's about it, was a bit disappointed we didn't go karaoke after all...and now i'm practically dying to, even if i'll look lame going alone...messaged some ppl, but who knows if they'll respond. my "friends" seem scarce these days, and i'm always afraid of looking desperate, needy, or just plain annoying...

started a fic...or at least simple character outlines and a basic plot....guess its fine to base it off my life with some tweaks here or there. decided to go with inuyasha though, rather than kenshin, since i know inuyasha better...we'll see if i actually get motivation to write it..x_x

also finished or caught up to all the anime i've wanted to watch...duno what to do now...stumbleupon was only so much fun...sadly...

been thinking about dancing...maybe. downloaded a couple songs from itunes for my ipod...

also gotta clean up my apt sometime, fix the dresses, and clean up my shelf...and probably wash my sheets before j-chan comes heh...

that's about it. another week of vacation. even if boring, it almost feels like i've almost forgotten at times what my job feels like lol. even if it's a bit empty or lonely, i'm not really rushed or have a lot of responsibilities...so i suppose i'm quite comfortable...

as for d-chan...i don't know anymore. no matter what i feel, i wish he hadn't emailed me...it makes it so much harder...but also no matter what i dont want it to be blamed on me for us drifting apart for good... :/ ha well...

on a slightly less emotional note, god i've spent so much money already..x_x kya....

ah recent dream last night. about being on a bus, meeting up with friends from the states, searching for money for a bus fare that was higher than usual and getting randomly asked out by the bus driver...who i do believe was american...weeird.

btw, happy new year, or あけましておめでとう。 i've seen ppl talk about new year's resolutions or wishes for the future. i don't really have any i guess...i've calmed down about going back home or staying, and really, i don't care what happens either anymore. it kind of amused me, similar to watching Harry Potter again, and seeing the mirror of erised or whatever it's called. i guess if i had to have a new year's resolution, i guess it was just be to try and stay relatively happy. my wish would be that if u want me, figure it out soon and say so. if not, to just leave me alone and stop making it worse. to just understand how i feel for once....:/ but that's delving too far into a non-japan topic once again...*sigh*

haaa...also i've been staying up way too late recently..tho it doesn't really matter and it Does save a little on my food consumption....tho i should go to bed earlier...

and i guess on that note, that's it. may my dreams be unventful or at least not depressing. and may i be less lazy the rest of the week..