"I wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows she's needy
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough"
I really don't know what to do anymore...so many reasons to stay, so many to go back. But to go back, only one reason that makes me want to go back of my own will. And that was to see you. Because I saw fun times ahead of us...
But if it means being stuck again, and at least for 2 months it seems that way, i can't do it. I know it's selfish, i know it's wrong...but i can't do it.
I recently had several dreams all about not wanting to go home...though they're dreams they're based on my experiences...and that stress is very real. I'm scared and that fear is like a fight for survival. And I don't want it to happen at any cost.
I want to continue to be able to live on my own. I want to continue being able to be selfish...even though such a choice would cost me a lot..and not just in money...
I wanted to see where I could stand on my own strength. Maybe it's not completely on my own strength, but in many ways it is. Despite the job ticks, a few mishaps and the general loneliness, I've actually relatively enjoyed my life here. It's peaceful, I can be myself, I'm able to live quite comfortably...and most importantly I have this freedom.
On my own strength...
There's no one to talk to now. The decision has to be made by me.
Battling it out here seems like a better option than doing it back at home...
But if i were to give up everything, for selfish freedom...if i were to sell my heart just to live in peace a little longer...would it be worth it?
Is it so wrong...to want to be able to hold onto this little bit of peace I've found?
I want to say I have no regrets...I want to reach up towards the bright blue sky, despite my tears, and say I don't mind anymore...not to have friends or a lover...to give up dreams and adventure...I don't mind being tired...I don't mind not having energy...I just want this peace...
I don't know how you feel about me...but...
I miss you.
You'd think I'd be use to having my life or at least bits of it be crumbling apart..not being able to find my way...
But I don't want to go home...I don't want to be back to where i was at 17...in my dark corner, wondering if I'd live to see another day...
I'm sorry...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
running out of steam for life...
i swear this rant about my mind will come into play later.
sometimes i think that if i could be re-born, i'd like to be born without feelings. because i show my feelings too much. for whatever reason, it's so hard to hide. mostly when i'm angry or sad or just generally upset. sometimes it's all i can do to not cry or scream, and yet it still shows on my face...i think it's why i tend to like the female characters who are always calmly composed. the ones who don't show their feelings easy and who just flow through life, sometimes bored, sometimes amused, often sad, but never making a big deal out of being alone. sometimes, i think, instead of wanting to burst into tears, i'd rather simply think "people are hard to understand" and leave it at that. i suppose i have become the kind of person who'd rather not feel anything at all...
as to how this relates, i've been thinking, as usual a lot about what to do about deciding if i should stay in japan or go back. i feel like i want to try again and do better because i have another chance here. but...i also realize i'm not really cut out for this job at all...another issue that came up was that, if i go back and it doesn't work out then i won't have another option. but if i stay, i can always go back..as much as a recommendation letter would be nice, it's not like it'd help me get a really great job anyways...
i almost quit kyuudou today. there was a competition, and i was already not feeling great, tired, and a bit dizzy. on top of that there was a style tweak to shooting that i didn't know about until the competition started...ps. i forgot how much the sitting style hurts my feet...haaaa..
but...what really got me was that i messed up. a lot...not only did i drop two arrows, but i made several mistakes in the walking and sitting. and whether or not they were actually laughing at me, it certainly felt like they were...and where i wanted to think "people are hard to understand" but instead actually wanted to cry, was between hearing them laugh while i was making the mistakes, and them offering me food and drink...
i dont get people. i don't get how they can laugh at you one minute, and be kind to you the next. but i guess that's how they are.
to top it off, the doctor guy who's against fluoridating the water (a diff topic in itself), came to take pictures of my teeth. so as if i wasn't already humiliated enough, i got my mouth stretched out so he could take pictures. but luckily at that point, i wasn't even really angry anymore...just tired from fighting my anger...
but for a while all i could think about was how i wanted to go home. i didn't care that i wasn't shooting correctly and that i was tense. of course i was tense...and being in the japanese society, i couldn't say something was bothering me. only smile and say "nope, nothing's wrong."
i wish, someday i could become someone who doesn't show her feelings so easily. or someone who doesn't feel at all...
i didn't cry, though i came close. i hit the target twice at least, and thanks to that i didn't come in last. and...the guy ended up taking a video and pics of me shooting, though i didn't realize it so i'm sure i had bad form and looked horrible..but it was a nice gesture from him at at least...
i won't be able to perform one song i really wanted too because y-chan can't find the guitar music...though i don't know why he doesn't just play by ear..that's how i've always "learned" songs. i wonder if i'm cut out for this too, since i'm terrible in front of an audience, and on top of that i'll have to talk in japanese...and as lame as it is, tap a tambourine while singing...(eek really...?.... -_-)
i tried exercising a little by dancing, but yappari, it's impossible since i can't play music from my laptop without "disturbing the fucking "wa"...sometimes i feel like to kill my loneliness or depression to just run myself ragged...but i know that doesn't work. i prefer being lazy and sleeping in my free time...though that doesn't really work either...i'd been trying to be careful about what i eat too..but i guess in the end, i'll just be fat either way. -_-'
i haven't really been talking much to either of you. one, because u never get up early enough, for this or that a reason...and two, because well..u seem to have a habit of talking to my plenty after i dont talk to u for a lengthy period of time, and then going back to ur original self of basically ignoring me or saying nothing but "mmhm" "okay" or "yeah"...i guess it shouldn't really bother me as you both have, as you should, your own lives to live. it'd b selfish and childish to feel lonely because of that. i hate that stupid desire to say "why aren't you paying attention to me?" -_-'....
to interject with a random thought, i recently am watching an anime about a young woman who turns into a child and a child who turns into a young woman. if that happened to me, turning back into a child, i suppose it'd be difficult figuring out a way to survive and live. but on the plus side, i think i wouldn't really mind it. to be carefree once again and not worry too much about "adult" problems...maybe i'd try and make it to an empty beach or unpopulated mountain. well, at least get as far as i can anyways...it was suggested that one might lose one's sense of identity, which is scary i suppose...but at this point it's not really something that's important to me...or something...
valentine's day. coming soon...i kinda wanted to get y-chan something, but it can't be chocolate as i dont want him getting the wrong idea...i'd kinda been thinking about love and serious relationships a little...but i guess i'm giving up for the foreseeable future. yes, life might be fun with someone beside it, but i don't want to be someone who needs it anymore...
"If I keep on staying around you, I'll just come to rely on you again. Then before I know it, I won't be able to do anything without you. I love you. You're my best friend. But I hate the me who depends on you. I hate the me who has to rely on you. That's why I won't chase you around anymore. I'm going to do my best to become someone who doesn't have to rely on you. But...you have to become someone I can be even more proud of. And...no matter how far apart we are, we'll still be best friends."
It would be nice if i could be that strong but...in reality i'm most true to myself when i'm being emotional..somehow, even though that makes me weak..but for now, i really have no other reaction to knowing that than to sigh...and say...i guess i don't care anymore...
i guess that's it...to sum it up: i'm running of out steam. for life...
sometimes i think that if i could be re-born, i'd like to be born without feelings. because i show my feelings too much. for whatever reason, it's so hard to hide. mostly when i'm angry or sad or just generally upset. sometimes it's all i can do to not cry or scream, and yet it still shows on my face...i think it's why i tend to like the female characters who are always calmly composed. the ones who don't show their feelings easy and who just flow through life, sometimes bored, sometimes amused, often sad, but never making a big deal out of being alone. sometimes, i think, instead of wanting to burst into tears, i'd rather simply think "people are hard to understand" and leave it at that. i suppose i have become the kind of person who'd rather not feel anything at all...
as to how this relates, i've been thinking, as usual a lot about what to do about deciding if i should stay in japan or go back. i feel like i want to try again and do better because i have another chance here. but...i also realize i'm not really cut out for this job at all...another issue that came up was that, if i go back and it doesn't work out then i won't have another option. but if i stay, i can always go back..as much as a recommendation letter would be nice, it's not like it'd help me get a really great job anyways...
i almost quit kyuudou today. there was a competition, and i was already not feeling great, tired, and a bit dizzy. on top of that there was a style tweak to shooting that i didn't know about until the competition started...ps. i forgot how much the sitting style hurts my feet...haaaa..
but...what really got me was that i messed up. a lot...not only did i drop two arrows, but i made several mistakes in the walking and sitting. and whether or not they were actually laughing at me, it certainly felt like they were...and where i wanted to think "people are hard to understand" but instead actually wanted to cry, was between hearing them laugh while i was making the mistakes, and them offering me food and drink...
i dont get people. i don't get how they can laugh at you one minute, and be kind to you the next. but i guess that's how they are.
to top it off, the doctor guy who's against fluoridating the water (a diff topic in itself), came to take pictures of my teeth. so as if i wasn't already humiliated enough, i got my mouth stretched out so he could take pictures. but luckily at that point, i wasn't even really angry anymore...just tired from fighting my anger...
but for a while all i could think about was how i wanted to go home. i didn't care that i wasn't shooting correctly and that i was tense. of course i was tense...and being in the japanese society, i couldn't say something was bothering me. only smile and say "nope, nothing's wrong."
i wish, someday i could become someone who doesn't show her feelings so easily. or someone who doesn't feel at all...
i didn't cry, though i came close. i hit the target twice at least, and thanks to that i didn't come in last. and...the guy ended up taking a video and pics of me shooting, though i didn't realize it so i'm sure i had bad form and looked horrible..but it was a nice gesture from him at at least...
i won't be able to perform one song i really wanted too because y-chan can't find the guitar music...though i don't know why he doesn't just play by ear..that's how i've always "learned" songs. i wonder if i'm cut out for this too, since i'm terrible in front of an audience, and on top of that i'll have to talk in japanese...and as lame as it is, tap a tambourine while singing...(eek really...?.... -_-)
i tried exercising a little by dancing, but yappari, it's impossible since i can't play music from my laptop without "disturbing the fucking "wa"...sometimes i feel like to kill my loneliness or depression to just run myself ragged...but i know that doesn't work. i prefer being lazy and sleeping in my free time...though that doesn't really work either...i'd been trying to be careful about what i eat too..but i guess in the end, i'll just be fat either way. -_-'
i haven't really been talking much to either of you. one, because u never get up early enough, for this or that a reason...and two, because well..u seem to have a habit of talking to my plenty after i dont talk to u for a lengthy period of time, and then going back to ur original self of basically ignoring me or saying nothing but "mmhm" "okay" or "yeah"...i guess it shouldn't really bother me as you both have, as you should, your own lives to live. it'd b selfish and childish to feel lonely because of that. i hate that stupid desire to say "why aren't you paying attention to me?" -_-'....
to interject with a random thought, i recently am watching an anime about a young woman who turns into a child and a child who turns into a young woman. if that happened to me, turning back into a child, i suppose it'd be difficult figuring out a way to survive and live. but on the plus side, i think i wouldn't really mind it. to be carefree once again and not worry too much about "adult" problems...maybe i'd try and make it to an empty beach or unpopulated mountain. well, at least get as far as i can anyways...it was suggested that one might lose one's sense of identity, which is scary i suppose...but at this point it's not really something that's important to me...or something...
valentine's day. coming soon...i kinda wanted to get y-chan something, but it can't be chocolate as i dont want him getting the wrong idea...i'd kinda been thinking about love and serious relationships a little...but i guess i'm giving up for the foreseeable future. yes, life might be fun with someone beside it, but i don't want to be someone who needs it anymore...
"If I keep on staying around you, I'll just come to rely on you again. Then before I know it, I won't be able to do anything without you. I love you. You're my best friend. But I hate the me who depends on you. I hate the me who has to rely on you. That's why I won't chase you around anymore. I'm going to do my best to become someone who doesn't have to rely on you. But...you have to become someone I can be even more proud of. And...no matter how far apart we are, we'll still be best friends."
It would be nice if i could be that strong but...in reality i'm most true to myself when i'm being emotional..somehow, even though that makes me weak..but for now, i really have no other reaction to knowing that than to sigh...and say...i guess i don't care anymore...
i guess that's it...to sum it up: i'm running of out steam. for life...
Friday, January 28, 2011
it's been too long..x_x
so much for trying to have a blog where i update every day...go figure lol.
let's see...what's been up recently?. um...well, i've been presented the decision to stay in japan or go back to america. at first i was leaning towards staying in japan, because well, i do like it...and i'd have more than i'd probably have in america, in terms of a job. basically the feeling there i guess was that i didn't want the adventure to end quite yet.
but then i realized that it'd cost more to pay for a plane ticket to go to america then back to japan for blood and kidney tests...more than i have savings, or at least all that i managed to save..which would suck like hell..
but maybe, i'm looking for an excuse. maybe...
somehow i caved like always and talked to d-chan...and the more i talked to him about it, the more my excuses sounded more like just that. excuses and not reasons...
but more about that later. i should get back into japan.
a few reasons why i also thought i should go back are little things about my job that tick me off (and f-u for saying "that's how it is with all jobs, 'cause like u'd understand). basically like, i slept in by accident, still managed to get to school by the time classes started, and was Still chided by the scary vice principal..thinking i didn't get to school on time because i overslept because i didn't get to bed on time and it takes a long time to get to school. but it's not that...its just that i forgot to set my alarm (which i still guess is my fault but still)...what really ticked me off was that i couldn't say anything. and plus the usual...that goody-two-shoes "i know everything about english" assistant teacher..god...he's so annoying...the silent power struggle is ridiculous.
plus the other stuff. about saying i'm not doing enough, yet even when i ask, the teachers say the lessons are already done and don't need my help. or they're yabber in japanese then relay the plan to me...and esp with that assistant there, i doubt he'd accept any of my plans...haaa..
plus, the small, but irritating criticism about not pronouncing clearly, god dammit, i pronounce so clearly that the words don't even sound natural. and fuck whatever they think, i refuse to pronounce the words in katakana...that's just so fucking stupid...
in any case the next sections will go hand in hand. first, that i'm just not sure i can deal with the stupid school system and the hush hush attitude of the japanese...in just about every aspect here, i have to go completely against the way i think. which is to voice my opinions and emotions strongly. i dont know since when i've been like that, but i just feel like i'm true to myself when i'm like that. and for sure hell, its gotten me into lots of trouble..heh...but here in many aspects i'm told to suppress my desires and emotions. in kyuudou and in my job...to not let it show under any circumstances...even though i def see the other teachers snap once in a while...its interesting because it's kinda like what j-chan talked about..not being able to express how you feel because you'll be seen as petty...oh well...
so i'm thinking many i should just ask for a recommendation letter and run with it. run with the money i've saved up and the good words about me and see what i can do from there. am i satisfied? i guess...
plus, recently, another goal fulfillment has come into sight. i've been offered a chance to perform live. which would be great...i do hope it goes well (i'm still not sure about the songs i chose, and wish i could do one i wrote (tho i've always come up with shitty stuff when i have), but...). and even so, i think becoming the famous singer is a bit beyond my dreams, but i guess it's okay, maybe it's not really what i want or would make me happy anyways...but i think how i feel after that, i'll be able to send my response to the company about whether i want to stay or not. but as of now i guess i'll go back. if i stay...i'll feel like the dream i was so enjoying would be ending and become my cold world again. and i really really don't want that...so...yeah....i dont know. something like that.
but is that the real reason? and now i get back to what i said "i'd get back to later" up above. once again, i guess i'll be making a decision because of a guy..or guys rather this time. but...i guess i shouldn't let myself run away from that any longer. and complete my original plan as well..planned. to make the visits one after another...to see m-chan, then d-chan, then finally come back to j-chan...and hopefully by then i'll have completed my journey. and feel like i'm coming back home. i just hope i have the strength and courage to complete that part of the journey too.
i've been thinking about what to say to you...i have all these scenes and images in my head...and i might even even be able to decide, and just do what i'll do on the spot...but in any case that might be even a little more private than what i can post...and i guess i don't want any spoilers for sure...heh. so that's it. all i can say is that hopefully i'll be able to bow out with true gratitude. if it really will be the end. and at least that's the very least i want. to a 3+ year long battle with these feelings...and it's okay if i can't do it without sacrificing my dignity at first, because as i said before, shouting all my feelings from the heart is when i feel most like myself...
anyways as for the rest...i think i've given up on my social life for now. i've only two more months here and no one can seem to make time for me..selfish sounding i know but it's how i feel. it's true and that's all. i guess i'll keep asking, but it's not like i expect them to say yes anymore. basically..i just gotta keep thinking i don't mind...i don't mind...
to deviate deeper into my heart again, (sorry!), it's silly 'cause i know what the right decision is most of the time, even though really it's what you want and what u think will make you happy that matters...to stay in japan would be the right decision. and to chose you would be the right decision. but i'll choose the decision where i can speak out the most and make my feelings known. which is why it'll probably be to go back. and as for the 2nd...it's not that i'm being tied to you. it's not pity and it's not that i'd be settling either. when the outcome becomes clear, it'll truly feel like the right decision.
on a similar note, it's silly to think that i can only live with one person and not need anyone else...but maybe it's possible. i pretty much did it for so long before without realizing it lol...but you're right. we can't pretend to be in love or try to force it. because if we try and turn it into something its not then it'll just fall apart faster...so for now..we'll just go on as we have. and that kind of life of comfort and friendship is the one that to me, is worth going back for.
even if it's a life tinged with sadness or loneliness or emptiness, if it's peaceful i suppose then it's all right. then i really don't mind. because maybe that's enough. i'll karaoke as much as possible and drag myself to kyuudou in the cold as many times as possible and keep asking people to hang out. i'll put everything i've got into lesson plans and do my best to subdue my feelings. so that when it's over..i won't have any regrets...
but for closure and home, maybe it's time...?
let's see...what's been up recently?. um...well, i've been presented the decision to stay in japan or go back to america. at first i was leaning towards staying in japan, because well, i do like it...and i'd have more than i'd probably have in america, in terms of a job. basically the feeling there i guess was that i didn't want the adventure to end quite yet.
but then i realized that it'd cost more to pay for a plane ticket to go to america then back to japan for blood and kidney tests...more than i have savings, or at least all that i managed to save..which would suck like hell..
but maybe, i'm looking for an excuse. maybe...
somehow i caved like always and talked to d-chan...and the more i talked to him about it, the more my excuses sounded more like just that. excuses and not reasons...
but more about that later. i should get back into japan.
a few reasons why i also thought i should go back are little things about my job that tick me off (and f-u for saying "that's how it is with all jobs, 'cause like u'd understand). basically like, i slept in by accident, still managed to get to school by the time classes started, and was Still chided by the scary vice principal..thinking i didn't get to school on time because i overslept because i didn't get to bed on time and it takes a long time to get to school. but it's not that...its just that i forgot to set my alarm (which i still guess is my fault but still)...what really ticked me off was that i couldn't say anything. and plus the usual...that goody-two-shoes "i know everything about english" assistant teacher..god...he's so annoying...the silent power struggle is ridiculous.
plus the other stuff. about saying i'm not doing enough, yet even when i ask, the teachers say the lessons are already done and don't need my help. or they're yabber in japanese then relay the plan to me...and esp with that assistant there, i doubt he'd accept any of my plans...haaa..
plus, the small, but irritating criticism about not pronouncing clearly, god dammit, i pronounce so clearly that the words don't even sound natural. and fuck whatever they think, i refuse to pronounce the words in katakana...that's just so fucking stupid...
in any case the next sections will go hand in hand. first, that i'm just not sure i can deal with the stupid school system and the hush hush attitude of the japanese...in just about every aspect here, i have to go completely against the way i think. which is to voice my opinions and emotions strongly. i dont know since when i've been like that, but i just feel like i'm true to myself when i'm like that. and for sure hell, its gotten me into lots of trouble..heh...but here in many aspects i'm told to suppress my desires and emotions. in kyuudou and in my job...to not let it show under any circumstances...even though i def see the other teachers snap once in a while...its interesting because it's kinda like what j-chan talked about..not being able to express how you feel because you'll be seen as petty...oh well...
so i'm thinking many i should just ask for a recommendation letter and run with it. run with the money i've saved up and the good words about me and see what i can do from there. am i satisfied? i guess...
plus, recently, another goal fulfillment has come into sight. i've been offered a chance to perform live. which would be great...i do hope it goes well (i'm still not sure about the songs i chose, and wish i could do one i wrote (tho i've always come up with shitty stuff when i have), but...). and even so, i think becoming the famous singer is a bit beyond my dreams, but i guess it's okay, maybe it's not really what i want or would make me happy anyways...but i think how i feel after that, i'll be able to send my response to the company about whether i want to stay or not. but as of now i guess i'll go back. if i stay...i'll feel like the dream i was so enjoying would be ending and become my cold world again. and i really really don't want that...so...yeah....i dont know. something like that.
but is that the real reason? and now i get back to what i said "i'd get back to later" up above. once again, i guess i'll be making a decision because of a guy..or guys rather this time. but...i guess i shouldn't let myself run away from that any longer. and complete my original plan as well..planned. to make the visits one after another...to see m-chan, then d-chan, then finally come back to j-chan...and hopefully by then i'll have completed my journey. and feel like i'm coming back home. i just hope i have the strength and courage to complete that part of the journey too.
i've been thinking about what to say to you...i have all these scenes and images in my head...and i might even even be able to decide, and just do what i'll do on the spot...but in any case that might be even a little more private than what i can post...and i guess i don't want any spoilers for sure...heh. so that's it. all i can say is that hopefully i'll be able to bow out with true gratitude. if it really will be the end. and at least that's the very least i want. to a 3+ year long battle with these feelings...and it's okay if i can't do it without sacrificing my dignity at first, because as i said before, shouting all my feelings from the heart is when i feel most like myself...
anyways as for the rest...i think i've given up on my social life for now. i've only two more months here and no one can seem to make time for me..selfish sounding i know but it's how i feel. it's true and that's all. i guess i'll keep asking, but it's not like i expect them to say yes anymore. basically..i just gotta keep thinking i don't mind...i don't mind...
to deviate deeper into my heart again, (sorry!), it's silly 'cause i know what the right decision is most of the time, even though really it's what you want and what u think will make you happy that matters...to stay in japan would be the right decision. and to chose you would be the right decision. but i'll choose the decision where i can speak out the most and make my feelings known. which is why it'll probably be to go back. and as for the 2nd...it's not that i'm being tied to you. it's not pity and it's not that i'd be settling either. when the outcome becomes clear, it'll truly feel like the right decision.
on a similar note, it's silly to think that i can only live with one person and not need anyone else...but maybe it's possible. i pretty much did it for so long before without realizing it lol...but you're right. we can't pretend to be in love or try to force it. because if we try and turn it into something its not then it'll just fall apart faster...so for now..we'll just go on as we have. and that kind of life of comfort and friendship is the one that to me, is worth going back for.
even if it's a life tinged with sadness or loneliness or emptiness, if it's peaceful i suppose then it's all right. then i really don't mind. because maybe that's enough. i'll karaoke as much as possible and drag myself to kyuudou in the cold as many times as possible and keep asking people to hang out. i'll put everything i've got into lesson plans and do my best to subdue my feelings. so that when it's over..i won't have any regrets...
but for closure and home, maybe it's time...?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
random bits...
k, just wanted to get this down. about my dream the other night..and so many conclusions could be drawn i suppose...but anyhow here goes. basically it was a mixture of the Pocahontas "colors of the wind" scenes mixed with the Fantasia 2000 piece with the volcano phoenix and nature girl. was cooler in my dream i swear :P basically, it started out in the Fantasia 2000 scene with a world of darkness and ash, and I guess I was Pocahontas and singing her song and all. And then a blond guy stood beside me, tho who it was exactly duno...in any case, the ending of the song came and i tapped the branch/staff thing she carried into the ground and the world of ash became a bright and beautiful green world, the trees began to grow and so did the grass. Was pretty cool, for as lame as it sounds in writing..the whole thing was pretty weird considering i hadn't seen either films in years...but as for conclusions, maybe it had to do with the fact that i was bothered part of the night, restless in bed, and mentally tossing and turning about what else but love.
once again i feel like i'm nearing another great turning point of my life. do i stay or do i go? do i risk it all for a guy? do i possibly make the same mistake i did before, excusing it by saying i'm not in love? am i really not in love or am i? am i really allowed to be that selfish to claim u for myself when my feelings aren't "pure"? am i just lonely? is it still that we're not in love, but just that, i don't wanna be lonely, and you want a friend? if we're not in love, why do you always act that way whenever you're around me? this is the kind of scene where i turn chibi and pull at my hair in frustration with giant sweatdrops everywhere...(ironically, i have to say, wow. because for once it's not about the "you" i generally refer to..., tho those thoughts have been here and there too...like, with you it's frustrating and painful to be around you, even if i were to go back, it would just be too much hard work and all it'd accomplish is you wishing i wasn't there...ugh...yet another previous rant...) actually...i feel like either way, it doesn't feel like a complete kind of love....one is calm, eagerly supportive and makes me feel comfortable...but the other occupies my thoughts, makes me feel both ends of the spectrum to the fullest and always draws my heart, thumping wildly back to it...even in my dreams...
have i mentioned, i'm tired?..........-_-'
basically as usual, i don't really know. who i love, if anyone, anymore, if i can even really handle a relationship. it might be fine to "decide" what will make you happy, but you know...i really can't know for sure until something happens..or at least until i make the decision where something Will happen...
but i guess i'll put that aside for now. onto japan-ish related stuff...
i've been trying to be a bit more comfortable around the students, but it seems like i'm just scaring off the deer, esp the male ones...oh dear..heeeeeh..
i still dont even know what i'm supposed to talk about to them. i'm still not even sure i'm cut out for this job, which doesn't help me fall in one direction or another. kah...
i wondered a few times actually, if even tho the school said they'd be fine with me as an ALT for next year, if they really just meant "she's okay, not great, but not awful, so good enough." a gamble on their part too, but i guess they're smart enough and to settle for "okay"...and know not to hope for too much....whereas i can never seem to just be okay with "okay"...haaa...
while making the but cheap, good luck charms, i was thinking about how my kyuudou sensei wasn't exactly thrilled about the one i spent so long to make her...and remembered that not everyone is instantly appreciative of the things i make them (as vain as that sounds, but not sure how else to word it... -_-'). so i kinda figure i shouldn't put that much effort into it. not even sure if they'll even like it...but anyways back to my original thought. so i was thinking that i'm not even sure what i else i can do, what little of it i can do in the first place, and i certainly have no confidence in myself, so a small bit of me was happy (until i remembered that not everyone appreciates it...) of being able to support them. and since i cant express myself well in words to people, by small, physical gifts of support. tho as i said, i'm not even sure i'll give it to them. i guess i'm that easily set back...heh..well that was a jumbled mess of thoughts...good luck trying to figure that out..
anyhow, i've realized a few random things in the past few days. one, that i've lost my appetite for the most part or at least i'm not eating as much.
second, i really wanna sing sometimes...but karaoke doesn't really appeal to me as much as it use to...because going alone is lame, but i can't bother anyone with dragging them along... -_-' not that they seem to want to anyways..but that's been a previous rant. on a sub-rant, i guess quitting guitar club makes me feel like i'm giving up on that dream too...but tbh its not like i had the motivation for it anyways -_-' and on a sub-sub rant, i finally tried to find the clubs today and those specific clubs, no one showed up at the designated spot...(that deserves yet another -_-')
third, i've been sleeping earlier than usual, as in during and before break heh. duno why that is. could be a lack of you, so the boredom has left little else but to sleep. too bad it doesn't help me feel less tired in the mornings...
i dont really know how to describe it other than how i have already. that this has kinda felt like a dream...and now it's coming to an end, even if i were to stay longer. gah i dont know....
i do kinda wanna go back, but..it's not hell here either.
i just wanna be able to be in a place where i can sleep as much as i want and listen to music and wear cute and pretty dresses and do archery at leisure and sing without annoying anyone and just be comfortable and not feel like i'm missing something or needing something i just can't have or sacrificing something for something else or gambling one thing for another...
but i guess that's life, huh....
guess that's it for now...
once again i feel like i'm nearing another great turning point of my life. do i stay or do i go? do i risk it all for a guy? do i possibly make the same mistake i did before, excusing it by saying i'm not in love? am i really not in love or am i? am i really allowed to be that selfish to claim u for myself when my feelings aren't "pure"? am i just lonely? is it still that we're not in love, but just that, i don't wanna be lonely, and you want a friend? if we're not in love, why do you always act that way whenever you're around me? this is the kind of scene where i turn chibi and pull at my hair in frustration with giant sweatdrops everywhere...(ironically, i have to say, wow. because for once it's not about the "you" i generally refer to..., tho those thoughts have been here and there too...like, with you it's frustrating and painful to be around you, even if i were to go back, it would just be too much hard work and all it'd accomplish is you wishing i wasn't there...ugh...yet another previous rant...) actually...i feel like either way, it doesn't feel like a complete kind of love....one is calm, eagerly supportive and makes me feel comfortable...but the other occupies my thoughts, makes me feel both ends of the spectrum to the fullest and always draws my heart, thumping wildly back to it...even in my dreams...
have i mentioned, i'm tired?..........-_-'
basically as usual, i don't really know. who i love, if anyone, anymore, if i can even really handle a relationship. it might be fine to "decide" what will make you happy, but you know...i really can't know for sure until something happens..or at least until i make the decision where something Will happen...
but i guess i'll put that aside for now. onto japan-ish related stuff...
i've been trying to be a bit more comfortable around the students, but it seems like i'm just scaring off the deer, esp the male ones...oh dear..heeeeeh..
i still dont even know what i'm supposed to talk about to them. i'm still not even sure i'm cut out for this job, which doesn't help me fall in one direction or another. kah...
i wondered a few times actually, if even tho the school said they'd be fine with me as an ALT for next year, if they really just meant "she's okay, not great, but not awful, so good enough." a gamble on their part too, but i guess they're smart enough and to settle for "okay"...and know not to hope for too much....whereas i can never seem to just be okay with "okay"...haaa...
while making the but cheap, good luck charms, i was thinking about how my kyuudou sensei wasn't exactly thrilled about the one i spent so long to make her...and remembered that not everyone is instantly appreciative of the things i make them (as vain as that sounds, but not sure how else to word it... -_-'). so i kinda figure i shouldn't put that much effort into it. not even sure if they'll even like it...but anyways back to my original thought. so i was thinking that i'm not even sure what i else i can do, what little of it i can do in the first place, and i certainly have no confidence in myself, so a small bit of me was happy (until i remembered that not everyone appreciates it...) of being able to support them. and since i cant express myself well in words to people, by small, physical gifts of support. tho as i said, i'm not even sure i'll give it to them. i guess i'm that easily set back...heh..well that was a jumbled mess of thoughts...good luck trying to figure that out..
anyhow, i've realized a few random things in the past few days. one, that i've lost my appetite for the most part or at least i'm not eating as much.
second, i really wanna sing sometimes...but karaoke doesn't really appeal to me as much as it use to...because going alone is lame, but i can't bother anyone with dragging them along... -_-' not that they seem to want to anyways..but that's been a previous rant. on a sub-rant, i guess quitting guitar club makes me feel like i'm giving up on that dream too...but tbh its not like i had the motivation for it anyways -_-' and on a sub-sub rant, i finally tried to find the clubs today and those specific clubs, no one showed up at the designated spot...(that deserves yet another -_-')
third, i've been sleeping earlier than usual, as in during and before break heh. duno why that is. could be a lack of you, so the boredom has left little else but to sleep. too bad it doesn't help me feel less tired in the mornings...
i dont really know how to describe it other than how i have already. that this has kinda felt like a dream...and now it's coming to an end, even if i were to stay longer. gah i dont know....
i do kinda wanna go back, but..it's not hell here either.
i just wanna be able to be in a place where i can sleep as much as i want and listen to music and wear cute and pretty dresses and do archery at leisure and sing without annoying anyone and just be comfortable and not feel like i'm missing something or needing something i just can't have or sacrificing something for something else or gambling one thing for another...
but i guess that's life, huh....
guess that's it for now...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
this week..
yay! this week j-chan came to visit again. slept, and cleaned sunday then picked up j-chan, who somehow got my number wrong :P luckily my senses told me i should head out anyways and managed to get there right when he did. how lucky lol. we went to karaoke sunday, although it kinda turned out to be a dud, since he didn't know much songs, and being me, i was pretty stupidly impatient...oh well the udon was probably the best part lol, though i was disappointed by the icky pastas...heeeh...anyways, my room was full of stuffs, as it tends to when i have long-stay certain male friend visitors but oh well :P
school started back up, and i slipped out of clubs this week, although i did get chided for it..x_x also missed kyuudou practice last night...heeeh...oh well, if i gotta sin, might as well boldy, right? :P anyways moving on.
the week was pretty standard. school during the day, hang out with j-chan at night. cooked food, watched anime, twas fun. :) and kyuudou was okay, at least it was a bit more exciting wed night. fri night had a really damp atmosphere tho, as if everyone was kinda trying to avoid me...and no good-bye's or take cares either.. o_o'
moving on though, fri night, we had some fun, although apparently i've got some more work to do on u j-chan, XP sat night there was some depression floating around..and by god, it sucked trying to be strong for u XP i wonder if u realized it, and i do apologize for seeming to be insensitive. but i dont handle those situations well either. esp when every options seems wrong or enabling...stupid...for making me worry...i don't really want those kind of soft feelings...i Am sorry for having a weak, susceptible heart like that though. saying "i don't care" is one thing, but meaning it is another...heeh...-_-'
anyways, i did buy some food (tho i shouldn't have, kya..money) to keep me comfort lol. guess i'll just chill today, since i dont have anywhere i need ta go. will start up clubs again next week..maybe i'll do a one club per week type a thing...guess i'll ask the head english teacher.
oh ya, on a random note, i got caught in a snowball fight which nearly killed my bare hands with the cold, but it's fine, right? all to loosen up with the kids. :)
anyways, got an unexpected visit from the boss, ka...i always get tense when he comes to talk to me...haa...but apparently i'm wanted here for next year, although, tbh, i'm starting to want to go back now...my only issue is needing a job back in the states...otherwise staying would really be the best option after all...something to think about i guess. i don't really mind teaching, except for that one school which doesn't seem to like me either.
oh, also bought a few new clothes, two shirts and a skirt, haa...spent money on boring, ugly clothes. but i guess anything that's not a black, gray or white sweater, turtle-neck or blazer is considered sexy. stupid....-_-'
guess that's it. ive got a bit to clean up but i'll do that in time. got plenty of it today....
school started back up, and i slipped out of clubs this week, although i did get chided for it..x_x also missed kyuudou practice last night...heeeh...oh well, if i gotta sin, might as well boldy, right? :P anyways moving on.
the week was pretty standard. school during the day, hang out with j-chan at night. cooked food, watched anime, twas fun. :) and kyuudou was okay, at least it was a bit more exciting wed night. fri night had a really damp atmosphere tho, as if everyone was kinda trying to avoid me...and no good-bye's or take cares either.. o_o'
moving on though, fri night, we had some fun, although apparently i've got some more work to do on u j-chan, XP sat night there was some depression floating around..and by god, it sucked trying to be strong for u XP i wonder if u realized it, and i do apologize for seeming to be insensitive. but i dont handle those situations well either. esp when every options seems wrong or enabling...stupid...for making me worry...i don't really want those kind of soft feelings...i Am sorry for having a weak, susceptible heart like that though. saying "i don't care" is one thing, but meaning it is another...heeh...-_-'
anyways, i did buy some food (tho i shouldn't have, kya..money) to keep me comfort lol. guess i'll just chill today, since i dont have anywhere i need ta go. will start up clubs again next week..maybe i'll do a one club per week type a thing...guess i'll ask the head english teacher.
oh ya, on a random note, i got caught in a snowball fight which nearly killed my bare hands with the cold, but it's fine, right? all to loosen up with the kids. :)
anyways, got an unexpected visit from the boss, ka...i always get tense when he comes to talk to me...haa...but apparently i'm wanted here for next year, although, tbh, i'm starting to want to go back now...my only issue is needing a job back in the states...otherwise staying would really be the best option after all...something to think about i guess. i don't really mind teaching, except for that one school which doesn't seem to like me either.
oh, also bought a few new clothes, two shirts and a skirt, haa...spent money on boring, ugly clothes. but i guess anything that's not a black, gray or white sweater, turtle-neck or blazer is considered sexy. stupid....-_-'
guess that's it. ive got a bit to clean up but i'll do that in time. got plenty of it today....
kyuudou
i don't really remember much...shoulda written it down earlier. in any case here's what i do.
it was a really cold day. still some snow on the ground. and yay for waking up early on a saturday. i also remember feeling a little ill, which riding in the car certainly didn't help with..x_x it didn't take long to get there, and i keep being surprised, despite the fact that relatively speaking, japan isn't that big, and i guess when people name different cities, i tend to think of places that must be far away.
aaanyways, so we get there and it kinda looks like a small school or something, or at least the dojo was behind a relatively big building. there were women preparing soup i guess out front too.
so first i got into my kyuudou wear, which to my embarrassment, needed help with...also because it embarrassed my kyuudou sensei as well, haa..so that was not fun. then there was an opening ceremony in the gym. i was told we'd be on TV, like That was supposed to make me excited. It wasn't even 9 AM and I had already made mistakes, probably some i dont even really remember. so some guys in suits spoke, while some other guys sat behind them. it looked like there was kendo, judo and kyuudou groups there. pretty cool i guess heh.
anwyays, so we headed back to the kyuudou dojo, which had an small entrance hall. to the left had traditional japanese style changing rooms for guys and girls to the left as well as a small kitchen, and through a plastic curtain was the open floor for shooting. there were also two old-style heaters, which everyone tended to crowed around. we took some group photos and watched a demonstration, and god help me to remember it...i certainly had no idea, but i did what i could. while people starting shooting in their groups, i got dragged to practice against the straw targets, which i sucked at, and even dropped the arrow. from that point on, i decided i didn't care if i hit the target, just don't let me drop the arrow as that would be far more embarrassing..ka...
(oh somehow it got around that i was american, so i heard the typical japanese "no way!" reaction and one guy even spoke some english "i'm cold" heeeh..i realized only afterwards it was wrong for me to laugh..x_x major oopsie...)
first we did the sitting style, zasha, i guess. i missed the targets completely. but my wish came true, i didn't drop any arrows at all, though i did get scolded for my technique. go figure. not to mention i was so nervous that i certainly didn't walk in and out properly and my legs were shaking the whole time. however, i did manage to hit the target 4 times at least, even if 4 points was all i got XP. I did do better than that one kid, who said he didn't hit them at all...i guess :P anyways, there were 4 rounds all together, the first, the sitting style, the rest, just free shooting the 4 arrows in groups. fairly picturesque of kyuudou competitions, although it was hella windy outside. and cold of course. (tho not So cold as to whine about it, as it seems certain ppl tended to do..-_-')
so between shooting times, and around noon we had lunch. which consisted of the boiled down vegetable soup and a bento box. oh ya, that was the other thing that i messed up with. i managed to somehow lose my 100 yen coin, so what i had counted out at as 500 that i needed, i no longer had and well, looked like an even bigger helpless idiot...haaa..anyways back to lunch. had its basic rice, salmon, meatballs and a few other assorted foods...but that wasn't the uncomfortable part. to be polite, and i wondered if i coulda just sat normally, but i certainly didn't need to be scolded anymore x_x, i sat the whole time with my legs under me..and jesus did that nearly kill my legs..x_x on top of that, yay, i was gassy for some reason, which just added to my nervousness and discomfort.
anyways, we packed up pretty soon and finally after what seemed like forever, though it was only around 4 or so, we left (after waiting forever for y-sensei to get a contact info from one of the dojo's senseis..haa)
anyways that's about it. :) next entry, about this week keeeh...
it was a really cold day. still some snow on the ground. and yay for waking up early on a saturday. i also remember feeling a little ill, which riding in the car certainly didn't help with..x_x it didn't take long to get there, and i keep being surprised, despite the fact that relatively speaking, japan isn't that big, and i guess when people name different cities, i tend to think of places that must be far away.
aaanyways, so we get there and it kinda looks like a small school or something, or at least the dojo was behind a relatively big building. there were women preparing soup i guess out front too.
so first i got into my kyuudou wear, which to my embarrassment, needed help with...also because it embarrassed my kyuudou sensei as well, haa..so that was not fun. then there was an opening ceremony in the gym. i was told we'd be on TV, like That was supposed to make me excited. It wasn't even 9 AM and I had already made mistakes, probably some i dont even really remember. so some guys in suits spoke, while some other guys sat behind them. it looked like there was kendo, judo and kyuudou groups there. pretty cool i guess heh.
anwyays, so we headed back to the kyuudou dojo, which had an small entrance hall. to the left had traditional japanese style changing rooms for guys and girls to the left as well as a small kitchen, and through a plastic curtain was the open floor for shooting. there were also two old-style heaters, which everyone tended to crowed around. we took some group photos and watched a demonstration, and god help me to remember it...i certainly had no idea, but i did what i could. while people starting shooting in their groups, i got dragged to practice against the straw targets, which i sucked at, and even dropped the arrow. from that point on, i decided i didn't care if i hit the target, just don't let me drop the arrow as that would be far more embarrassing..ka...
(oh somehow it got around that i was american, so i heard the typical japanese "no way!" reaction and one guy even spoke some english "i'm cold" heeeh..i realized only afterwards it was wrong for me to laugh..x_x major oopsie...)
first we did the sitting style, zasha, i guess. i missed the targets completely. but my wish came true, i didn't drop any arrows at all, though i did get scolded for my technique. go figure. not to mention i was so nervous that i certainly didn't walk in and out properly and my legs were shaking the whole time. however, i did manage to hit the target 4 times at least, even if 4 points was all i got XP. I did do better than that one kid, who said he didn't hit them at all...i guess :P anyways, there were 4 rounds all together, the first, the sitting style, the rest, just free shooting the 4 arrows in groups. fairly picturesque of kyuudou competitions, although it was hella windy outside. and cold of course. (tho not So cold as to whine about it, as it seems certain ppl tended to do..-_-')
so between shooting times, and around noon we had lunch. which consisted of the boiled down vegetable soup and a bento box. oh ya, that was the other thing that i messed up with. i managed to somehow lose my 100 yen coin, so what i had counted out at as 500 that i needed, i no longer had and well, looked like an even bigger helpless idiot...haaa..anyways back to lunch. had its basic rice, salmon, meatballs and a few other assorted foods...but that wasn't the uncomfortable part. to be polite, and i wondered if i coulda just sat normally, but i certainly didn't need to be scolded anymore x_x, i sat the whole time with my legs under me..and jesus did that nearly kill my legs..x_x on top of that, yay, i was gassy for some reason, which just added to my nervousness and discomfort.
anyways, we packed up pretty soon and finally after what seemed like forever, though it was only around 4 or so, we left (after waiting forever for y-sensei to get a contact info from one of the dojo's senseis..haa)
anyways that's about it. :) next entry, about this week keeeh...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
..wow two in one day...
this again, will have nothing really to do with japan..but it's been on my mind for a while..
I've thought many times about writing a story. Your basic love sob story...basically. I've always been partial the diary style of writing. And for some reason these images really stick out in my mind...much like the image of the intro to peach girl...Something like this:
"I watched your face. The one that was crying, knowing any moment the train would all too soon pull me away, too fast to see my face even shrink away. The mouth that spoke without sound. But I could hear the words through the cellphone pressed tightly against my ear. I remember the snow that blew wildly outside, the snowflakes that certainly only belonged in a dream...
And finally the train lurched back. But this would not be like any other good-bye. If I had known it would've been the last time I'd see you, I would never have hung up. If I had known...I would've reached out and kept waving until I had no more strength left. I would've understood the feelings you felt behind those tears. And I would've cried so much harder."
Or maybe something like this...
"I watched your hand wave back and forth slowly, reaching out the car window as you drove up and over that hill. Watching you disappear while I couldn't follow you was so painful. I remember you said that it was painful for you too, to drive away and leave me behind. And it would only become more painful for the both of us as we continued to love each other..."
Or something like this...
"I remember waking up to the distinct warm scent of the dark red sheets I had gently entangled myself in. The light was dazzling, streaming in softly through the blinds. And there by the bedside, were the small red berries in a glass bowl. Back then I probably teased you, didn't I? But memories such as that, are ones I reach for, in vain now, as I write here late at night...and ones that are dusted with sadness and only seem as tangible as reality as they drift in and out in my dreams..."
Nantoka....Something like that.
Recently, I've become re-infatuated with the character Kikyo. Not that I'm in love with her. Just that I quite admire her and empathize with her quite a great deal. In the end, she still loved Inuyasha. Even though fate tore them apart, she accepted it. And she disappeared with a final smile.
"Even though you were the first person I loved, I couldn't save you."
"You came for me. That's enough."
I wonder if there's something new that's tied me to her. I like that character, because maybe I'm fated to a similar end as her. Or something.
I've been obsessed with the thought of love and relationships lately. Maybe it's because I spend too much time in this room. But that's all I seem to look at. It's silly though...because even with the thought of a new relationship or dating, my heart's just not into it. Not enough to let go, but not enough to fight either. For something old OR something new...
Because...what could I possibly do?...
Whenever I read or watch a girl who's in love with a guy, I understand. So much. Because I can understand wanting to be by his side. Wanting to wrap yourself in his scent...wanting to hold onto his waist and never let go. I understand wanting to be protected by him and protect him in turn. I understand...not needing expensive gifts or vows or anything of the sort. Of only wanting time. To be with him...
But...what could I possibly do?
Is there no seal which can hide you away from me? Nothing that can make me forget the countless memories? It's not that remembering you is painful, it's knowing your indifference. And I feel that I'm slowly become cold and indifferent myself. And even here, halfway around the world, lingering memories of you appear...
Is this what it's like to be trapped within your own heart?
I read that one either controls one's feelings or those feelings overcome them. The latter is certainly true for me...I've always thought I'm strong against anything, but against this...I'm weak. My heart is weak...because inside of it, I'm still crying.
I know I shouldn't see you. Because if I did, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd probably never want to leave. They say that when you love someone, your love is tied with theirs. But my happiness is no longer tied with yours. Because it seems, your happiness is my sadness...and my happiness...can't exist anymore.
Part of me thought today, that if I did see you I'd have to act cold and reasonable. I'd have to say something like "I don't care anymore. I loved you...I really really loved you. But being like that, I lost all respect for myself. And you're not worth it. I can't live like that."
If only...
One person shouldn't be the sole reason for your will...your strength...your happiness...your reason for living...even i've come to sneer on that...because it's only practical to discard such feelings...and yet....
It's not that I don't love you. It's that, I have to stop letting it show...right?
But it would be nice. If you came to see me.
Would it be possible? Would I be allowed to have that one moment of happiness?
if something more isn't meant to happen..then why...do i still feel like this?...why can't i let you go, no matter how hard i try, no matter how much distance i put between us..no matter how much i try to run away...
why won't you let me go...?
I've thought many times about writing a story. Your basic love sob story...basically. I've always been partial the diary style of writing. And for some reason these images really stick out in my mind...much like the image of the intro to peach girl...Something like this:
"I watched your face. The one that was crying, knowing any moment the train would all too soon pull me away, too fast to see my face even shrink away. The mouth that spoke without sound. But I could hear the words through the cellphone pressed tightly against my ear. I remember the snow that blew wildly outside, the snowflakes that certainly only belonged in a dream...
And finally the train lurched back. But this would not be like any other good-bye. If I had known it would've been the last time I'd see you, I would never have hung up. If I had known...I would've reached out and kept waving until I had no more strength left. I would've understood the feelings you felt behind those tears. And I would've cried so much harder."
Or maybe something like this...
"I watched your hand wave back and forth slowly, reaching out the car window as you drove up and over that hill. Watching you disappear while I couldn't follow you was so painful. I remember you said that it was painful for you too, to drive away and leave me behind. And it would only become more painful for the both of us as we continued to love each other..."
Or something like this...
"I remember waking up to the distinct warm scent of the dark red sheets I had gently entangled myself in. The light was dazzling, streaming in softly through the blinds. And there by the bedside, were the small red berries in a glass bowl. Back then I probably teased you, didn't I? But memories such as that, are ones I reach for, in vain now, as I write here late at night...and ones that are dusted with sadness and only seem as tangible as reality as they drift in and out in my dreams..."
Nantoka....Something like that.
Recently, I've become re-infatuated with the character Kikyo. Not that I'm in love with her. Just that I quite admire her and empathize with her quite a great deal. In the end, she still loved Inuyasha. Even though fate tore them apart, she accepted it. And she disappeared with a final smile.
"Even though you were the first person I loved, I couldn't save you."
"You came for me. That's enough."
I wonder if there's something new that's tied me to her. I like that character, because maybe I'm fated to a similar end as her. Or something.
I've been obsessed with the thought of love and relationships lately. Maybe it's because I spend too much time in this room. But that's all I seem to look at. It's silly though...because even with the thought of a new relationship or dating, my heart's just not into it. Not enough to let go, but not enough to fight either. For something old OR something new...
Because...what could I possibly do?...
Whenever I read or watch a girl who's in love with a guy, I understand. So much. Because I can understand wanting to be by his side. Wanting to wrap yourself in his scent...wanting to hold onto his waist and never let go. I understand wanting to be protected by him and protect him in turn. I understand...not needing expensive gifts or vows or anything of the sort. Of only wanting time. To be with him...
But...what could I possibly do?
Is there no seal which can hide you away from me? Nothing that can make me forget the countless memories? It's not that remembering you is painful, it's knowing your indifference. And I feel that I'm slowly become cold and indifferent myself. And even here, halfway around the world, lingering memories of you appear...
Is this what it's like to be trapped within your own heart?
I read that one either controls one's feelings or those feelings overcome them. The latter is certainly true for me...I've always thought I'm strong against anything, but against this...I'm weak. My heart is weak...because inside of it, I'm still crying.
I know I shouldn't see you. Because if I did, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd probably never want to leave. They say that when you love someone, your love is tied with theirs. But my happiness is no longer tied with yours. Because it seems, your happiness is my sadness...and my happiness...can't exist anymore.
Part of me thought today, that if I did see you I'd have to act cold and reasonable. I'd have to say something like "I don't care anymore. I loved you...I really really loved you. But being like that, I lost all respect for myself. And you're not worth it. I can't live like that."
If only...
One person shouldn't be the sole reason for your will...your strength...your happiness...your reason for living...even i've come to sneer on that...because it's only practical to discard such feelings...and yet....
It's not that I don't love you. It's that, I have to stop letting it show...right?
But it would be nice. If you came to see me.
Would it be possible? Would I be allowed to have that one moment of happiness?
if something more isn't meant to happen..then why...do i still feel like this?...why can't i let you go, no matter how hard i try, no matter how much distance i put between us..no matter how much i try to run away...
why won't you let me go...?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)