just a quick one...

well i'm feeling pretty crappy emotionally. also tired...

but just to keep up with checking in, here's a summary of random thoughts and the weekend events.

the meeting with the city volunteer group was ok. some cute guys at least, even if they were younger then me and i basically won't see them but maybe once or twice since i think they live pretty far away. not like they'd really have an interest anyways...so i guess that also throws my motivation for japanese classes out the window too.

last night was all right, seems the water helps, which i'll keep in mind...

9 hours of karaoke. i hate when ppl try to talk or communicate with others about me like i'm not there when i clearly am. and for an instance i wish i had been alone even if that isn't the point.

next week's schedule is weird. looks like a lot of sitting around and possibly random, boring events popping up...

trying not to spend too much... x_x

i'm not really getting any better at kyuudo. or japanese.

drinking party is next weekend. sunday i'd like to reserve just for me...and any other events that are being scheduled i just don't know....

i guess it's stupid of me to have high expectations or any at all of people. they have their lives, and my peace will come...whether that will fall under a warm or cold sunset, has yet to be determined.

i'm so frustrated...but there's really no excuse :/

cheers to last bit of rest before the start of the week.

wow...hisashi buri to like the max...

wow i really suck at this...not that there has been much to update.

kyuudo's going all right, as i've hit the target a few times, though it's still hard to keep everything in check. tomorrow, i've been promised that i'll learn how to shoot while holding a second arrow in the hand that's shooting. should be interesting... :P
drinking party coming up for the kyuudo gang. sashimi-not so much, but it'll be good to let loose. as long as i bring that water bottle..x_x

spent 30 bucks on candy today....guh. hope i don't need to again for a while. sad though that no one seems to be coming up to me- so i've thought of adding in the fake money for daily questions too, however much that'll help. but really, that cashier probably thought i was nuts. saw a few things i'd like at the yamaya, gram crackers, nuts and oatmeal to name a few...oh well, this weekend maybe?

i really hope the middle school doesn't ask me to come on saturday, i really kinda wanna check out that meeting. and it sucks like me being cautious to not volunteer myself to school on friday, probably makes me seem reluctant to that head guy of the meeting...but i guess it can't really be helped.

also wanna get together to go for karaoke on sunday, my god i want that pizza really bad...x_x. kinda sucks to think i wont get to sing as much as i want, but since i'tll be with other ppl, i guess that's fine- my nerves can hopefully not be too stressed out.

tests this week- meaning next to no classes at the middle school fun fun...but elementary school will be busy all day- yay...and just when its the lessons i could plan for.

made some spongebob cut outs for class, learning about sea creatures. should be fun, and i made a sandy- just in case some kids complain :P also made some cards for the calendar game. i hope i remember that tomorrow.

also, the nametag's in my bag...so theres no way i can forget, right? x_x

today was a holiday, last night and this morning was kinda waste but all right. bad japanese movies though...x_x also carsick= not fun...as i rode my bike around today, i realized i do like the fresh air a lot more.

took a few pics on my phone..but i really gotta get on taking real pics of this place at some point.

went over my spending limit...x_x must do better next time. for realz or i'll be shooting my plans down the drain. lame that in this case money = freedom. i think i've had my fill for clothes now...and hopefully i won't think of too many more useful things...

had a weird dream last night. something that was def affected by that tragic love "horror" story last night. all i really remember was interacting with friends and family at my college and this big house. i remember looking into an empty classroom that was being built. the top floor was full of old clothes, and i got stuck in the spiral staircase that was more like a latter chute... and also something about collecting, and keeping and setting free 6 black widows...x_x

shouldn't have gotten that guitar. i realized i have no motivation, nor is it a lifestyle i could keep up with, even if my so called dreams came true.

was thinking about singing for the kids, but i have this terrible feeling they wouldn't care and just be terrible disinterested. not sure if i could handle that apathy, even from kids...

guess that's about it, crazy i said more than i meant to, but a briefing on what's been up works too.

pending chores = sew buttons onto sleeves, try and make skirts, air out futon.

one thing i've noticed...

about when the Japanese people are talking to me here. Usually they'll say something twice max in Japanese, but if i don't get it right away, they give up- who cares if the foreigner can't understand them, even if it would be nice if they could find another way to relay the information. but i guess i'd be a hypocritical biatch if i said i wasn't the same way. still, i'll be selfish and whine that it's incredibly frustrating to be missing important information.

and on that note, looks like another irregular week. i think something similar to consultations for 3rd years with their parents is going on. the door to the guitar club is open, but i was told i couldn't play due to disturbing them I guess. Tho, after that teacher came back to me, i couldn't understand whether she was saying i COULD go practice now, or if she was just apologizing that i couldn't. god knows...
i don't really want to practice after school, because i really should go to city hall and ask about why i haven't been billed for my insurance yet...go figure i'd have problems right about now, when things finally began to settle down. also go figure there doesn't seem to be a single word in the dictionary that could help me translate ''bill.'' *another angry face* yay for more language fails...

ive been trying to practice a little with the rope for kyuudo, but yappari, its really too different than holding and drawing the actual bow. >_<

my arms are really fuckin sore.

i really do want to practice guitar tho, but maybe that would just make me frustrated. perhaps i Should buy a guitar, tho it looks like the cheapest of the nicer ones was taken. dang. and while itd be nice to play, i probably dont have the energy anyways....haa...

in any case. if i'm not allowed to do anything productive, then i'm even more adamantly feeling like surfing the net to keep awake and genuinly being busy is totally not my fault. i guess it's not really theirs, but hell, it's certaintly not mine.

the leaves are starting to turn colors and there was frost on the grass clovers today. winter's certainly a-comin. wanted to take pics before it got that way but i guess thats what i get for being a lazy ass.

ive started making a list of phrases and vocab words from the textbook and ones i've learned or picked up on since coming here (even tho several have come from anime, still counts if i watched it while i was here (and thank goodness for that to keep my dumbly occupied) :P) at least maybe it'll eventually prove useful and perhaps i can post it right before i leave for home as a kind of wrap up. perhaps with a comprehensive list of random things i learned. certainly that'll make me feel better right? :P

i need to stop having dreams where i'm fired. at least it wasn't entirely about that last time. altho dreams of being about to die kinda suck too. last night's was definitely weird, what with the piratey dream, the strange animals, the remote island off japan, and being charged to hang. oh yeah, and suddenly having less money in the bank.

i need to sweep my floor at home. and eat real food tonight. and probably go shopping for the few groceries i forgot if the atms aren't closed-tho if i make it to the city hall, they might be...

i'd also really like a pair of new headphones. nothing fancy, but nice would be nice. probably should wait till this weekend though...

i wonder why i haven't gotten billed for my phone yet either...x_x uwahaaaa...

kyuudo- a dream come true?

more or less lol. it's already nerve-racking. i always forget what learning a sport feels like. the female teacher (thank god she's female) and the one guy who's helping me out, they're strict but understanding and they do dish out the praises every now and then, even if i don't feel like i'm doing that well. i'm still surprised i managed to sign up despite my lack of good japanese :P maybe i just go luckeh....lol.

the kyuudo place is in what looks like a huge warehouse and might've been at one point. the floor is made of dirt, with white lines that make up a large rectangle kind of like a school gym floor. there's random tools up against the walls. no windows though, at least not that i noted. at the far end there are 6 (?) rather small targets. there's a couple straw, practice targets on the side as well, which i've been using as a beginner.

the arrows they use have real feathers, at least they look that way, but other than that they're fairly similar to western archery arrows. the bows are far different though of course, at least in shape and size, longer and more slender, though these might also be made of fiberglass rather than bamboo, at least based on their appearance.

practice is tough, but fun. i tend to mess up a lot and forget, and it does seem that while i might be decent with the western bow, that training has def messed me up here lol. and i can only imagine it'll get tougher starting wed as i learn to release the arrow. it's crazy how much the japanese pay attention, perfecting step by step the techniques and what not, but it's also pretty cool and professional-looking :) and well...the final target i'll be aiming for is much farther than anything i've aimed for in my life. so, i suppose refining over and over again will be pretty damn important lol. especially since everything is different than the western style. there's much more attention to a kind of ceremonial waking in the beginning, to the different positions of every body part. pretty crazy stuff lol. i haven't even injured or released the arrow yet, and yet i'm nervous simply holding the arrow that close to my face-as it goes against everything i've been taught not to do haha. oh well, wish me luck in not injuring myself >_< i hate being a weak human like that with those trivial kind of fears.

in any case, at the end, they all step up very formally and shoot at the targets. i suppose their hits are counted, or so it seems. today was a bit amusing as the teacher missed all 4 and said "i won't cry!" i had to secretly LOL inside. i suppose even masters have their off days. at least in real life. anyways, as the end, they un-string their bow (also differently than western bows)by pressing the top tip against an enforcer and leaning the bottom part on their left leg to apply pressure enough to lift the string off. :) can't wait till i'm made to do that. i hope that thing is fool proof. but i digress again. so, they put away their arrows, wrap up their bows. a couple people take brooms and sweep the dirt back into the mound where the targets are. the rest of us take bigger brooms and trail them behind us as we walk the length of the floor. even that menial labor isn't too bad, and i'm just glad that im someone who doesn't mind it lol. then we stand behind the teacher bow a few times, clap our hands together and say our ending farewells with "thank you for your hard work".

better remember to practice every day, even if it feels like there's too much to remember. in any case, my rice should be about done and i'm sipping on some warm lemon vit C drink-i've rather gotten used to the sweet, bitterness lol.

as for other notes, i woke up late today since i was up late last night due to my inability not to talk to a certain person...it'd been a while since i'd been up that late. i really gotta figure out how to block out the sunlight...x_x in any case, i woke up late, did some laundry (curse my stupidity for washing All my socks), and left to go find more suitable wear for kyuudo. luckily that search ended well, but unfortunately i couldn't draw any money from the atms. curse japan for having atms that close at certain random hours...x_x.

i could go out to get tasty food, but then, i'm not exactly in the best shape anyways...i really worry too much...as long as i am happy and can function doing daily tasks it should really be okay right? x_x and hell, i don't Really wanna have to go anywhere tomorrow anyways lol. tho it's unlikely i'll stay up as late as i did last night hah hah hah...

my arms will probably be sore tomorrow. yay. but i really oughta keep practicing. besides, anime can really only keep me interested for so long until i feel the need to get up and move around. it's perfect. :)

wed's will be tough from now on 'cause of school, then club, the kyuudo. but it's all worth it in the end. now that i've finally taken some real advantage to being in japan. and it luckily the gods are smiling on me with such a good opportunity so close. thats why i can't give up ;)

that's about it. not sure whether to be happy or not about the increasingly cold weather.........lol.

since it's been a while again....

i forgot to mention that they had a singing contest a while ago. the title of which sounded something like "gasho konkuru" well there i go butchering Japanese, though i'm not sure what it means anyways. anyways, it was an interesting singing event, and yes, singing, i've found, is a huge thing in Japan. no wonder they're huge fans of karaoke. one thing to note though, it seems they take the competition quite seriously, as several girls ended up in tears because they didn't win any place. i do know how it feels, so i suppose i do sympathize. and of course, i too, take singing very seriously. still it surprised me, to be honest.

what else have i left out? after several language fails i managed to get everything settle, bank account, insurance and visa, yay :) things have finally settled into a decent rhythm.

some random notes, as i tend to do, are one: i'm kind of annoyed at the frequent mistakes people are making regarding lesson plans and schedules. seriously, if they screw up, it's totally unfair to blame me for being unprepared. just saying. just like, if they don't let me plan anything for the lessons, don't criticize me for not being busy.

two: something really random happened to me today. i thought i lost my bike. and thought it was both funny and bizzare as well as a bit unnerving. my first thought was that a student had by coincidence the same locks on their bikes and mistook mine for theirs. in any case, i'm glad i checked the two bikes that were by the shoe cubbies, because lo and behold there was my bike. i was told that some teachers probably mistook it for students, but Why MY bike??? out of the the hundreds that are lined up?...that's pretty effin random...and now that i think about it, my human mind wants to be suspicious. but oh well, nothing i can do now. continuing on that note though, i also wondered how they got it there since the locks were on there. then i realized they probably carried. then i wondered, why the hell they took that much effort to do so....again suspicions. there we go with my the "world is out to get me" way of thinking. yay, to join 99% of the population. (in america) :P

three: yay. it's not a no anymore...*hopes*

four: i'm a really terrible person some times...i think you've started to realize that too. i'm for that, even if i won't take back my words, i Am sorry that deep down i do have a shitty personality... :(

five: i'm really glad i could learn the guitar again, although it's as much of a physical pain as i remember (guess i'm just that weak) and it'll def take quite a bit of practice, tho most of its coming back pretty easily. it'd be nice if my dream did come true. i'd really like to sing and play. :) but for now, i just gotta make sure i'm at least decently prepared for the first concert (aka the first step lol).
not many of the girls seem to practice, but then again they know their instruments very well, so they seemed to learn pretty quickly...in any case, catchy songs. maybe i'll see if i can also get the tabs for the other songs too. :)

six: yay for the weekend coming so soon, i do love holidays in the middle of my week lol.

..i'm gonna stop counting. :P some even more random things that have been on my mind. jerks with too much arrogance. i hate. ppl who i believe are good ppl who act jerk-ish. i hate.

mom's been asking about my plans when i go back...not incredibly jumping at the chance to tell her what i'm considering..i kinda wanna make sure i can make it work out first. now that i believe in j-chan, i think i'd be ready to face it and do what it takes :)

i've been meaning to take pics of the city...and i keep forgetting. maybe this weekend- if it doesn't rain on me... -_-' itd be nice to get some pics before the city turns all wintery...

mah japanese = still sucks.

i think i was invited to go to dinner by the students..but knowing the policy i wasn't sure what to say, so i think i just came off as confused and unfortunately that hindered me asking for more details x_x . i hope i get asked again though...or i might just ask the teacher...which is awkward enough in itself.

i really ought to get more wintery clothes...but good luck to me trying to find more stuff that fits, as i can't afford anything really from the nicer jusco stores, and i'm pretty sure i exhausted all possibility at the 2nd hand stores...gah. that deserves another x_x. oh well, such is life.

and i guess that wraps it up for now. yay for this blog hanging by a thread...

if not for this song...

...that is so chipper i'd probably be beside myself with emotions. where do i start?

i'm glad i was able to come home early yesterday, although i'm disappointed that i caved to my physical feeling of sickness. i don't think i've ever done that before. put my health before responsibility. but i def wasn't getting any work done, and while i wasn't passed out, i felt like i was fairly close. and go figure that the k-sensei would ask me random english questions when i could barely stay conscious. and what is it with the japanese going to the hospital for every little thing? i mean, at the start of a fever, really? seems kind of unnecessary, but maybe that's just the american way haha. in any case, caving to sickness really frustrated me...on top of feeling miserable.

and sadly, it looks like i also missed out on a fun night... :( on top of that i can't get mixi to work, so it looks like getting internet on my phone was for naught. i wonder if it'd really be possible to make it to japan and back without making a single friend. count on me to pull something like that off.

it's funny (well not really, but that's the only way i can describe it) that i never really minded being more or less alone. i never saw my parents have a lot of friends. my sister later on had many friends, and of course i was jealous. but i more or less was able to cope with never reaching that. leave it to my sister to be the one to shine. i guess i can be happy with that...

the other day, i was happy that i could finally get gifts for my classes. but i guess it's not really the japanese way to want small little gifts, but perhaps it's more like them to want awards. i guess it makes sense after all, since that's all i've ever seen them get. but after seeing the kids not be all that excited about it, especially the 2nd class. seeing the kid wear the cat ears made me happy, but then the other kid who threw it out the window...i didn't say anything but it sucks i saw it. and it does hurt i suppose...but i guess i know better for the future, huh?....

it's unfortunate that i never made it to the club meetings, although i couldn't really...i hope i don't get chided for that though. my dream of being able to perform hasn't really moved forward after all, haha. go figure, and leave it to me to be all talk and no show. lol...maybe some day...

perhaps being cooped up doesn't suit me...maybe.

on top of that it sucks that sleeping too long doesn't suit my back well. x_x and what the hell is with me having to pee so often? T_T

but on the contrary, i do like sleeping. and being lazy. why? because it's comfortable. even if it doesn't help my motivation which already ranges in the very little. gah.

i've gotten bored of watching anime, although naruto was doing well for me. i was thinking perhaps switching back to drama might work...but perhaps i'm just tired of watching things in general. but i certainly don't have the motivation to write a story or anything. also sad.

last night was kind of fine that i couldn't get out of bed since i didn't feel well. but it also didn't really help that no one was waiting for me online. and tonight, even though you were there, somehow the motivation was still small. despite it being really about d-chan, how silly was it that i started hugging my comforter and started crying for really no reason! i just wanted to for some reason. maybe i'm really not aware how lonely i am. maybe. that'd be funny...heh. i read k-chan's status about u can get anything if you want it. but not all things, as has been proved. >_< if he said 'there's no way' then i'd say 'well i'll make a way.' but maybe that's all just naive. count on me really being that way, no matter how grown up or mature i call myself. and i know this doesn't relate to japan at all, but...of course it's been on my mind so i guess it needs saying every now and then. in any case, it's fine to chase until i'm satisfied right? even if it's selfish. because running away would indeed be much sadder. and there will be many more sacrifices to come for love. and in fact, i have already dealt with a lot so far. losing hope really may just be my worst fear haha. therefore i need reason to keep going. even if it's just for that for now. funny though, what stopped my crying was that i reminded myself that crying wouldn't solve anything and that nothing could be done about my goal right now. i just have to hope that i'm strong enough to carry it out no matter what when the time comes. i was thinking of how to act when i'm around him finally and i really want to be cheerful and the like. but, that's really not me. i know the idea would be to act like me, but if that were me then i'd just let it go because i wouldn't think i have the strength to fight for what i want. so..i don't know for now.

to move on to a topic that has only slightly more to do with japan...i was realizing that while it'd be great to get a japanese bf, or even just friends for that matter, it's really better if i don't get involved maybe? in any case, tonight reminded me of that. i really don't interact with people well. i'm also quick to judging anger, and don't organize my criticisms or thoughts well. that's just as well, i was never meant to be able to. and i'm sorry to say, that while i never want to abandon a friend, deep down, i'm more selfish and capable of hurting you than you think... :( i just hope when the day comes, i can trust you to find your own happiness. perhaps the way d-chan trusted me. but hopefully it'll be easier, because you're not in love with me, like i may be with d-chan...

anyways, that aside. time to wrap it up with what i meant to start with and kind of talked about above. go anime, for teaching us useful stuff, despite what many ppl who don't watch it are quick to judge it as stupid, kids' stuff. in any case! i also agree that it's pointless to argue against someone who just doesn't share the same beliefs as you. you can try, but if you're intentions aren't pure and you're not trying to protect someone or a concept important to you, then all you'll do with your negative attitude is create more anger and hate. there has to be a better way to create understand. but then again maybe i'm just naive and violence and shouting IS the answer. i'd hate to think so, but right now i don't. humans are indeed stupid and make a lot of selfish mistakes. so getting even most everyone to have an open heart and mind to accept and form bonds with others is indeed difficult. but i guess that has nothing to do really with japan. but thoughts i've come to while i'm here are okay too, right? after all, this is my space and my own little corner of the world.

and no one is probably reading anyways lol. :P

mm maple tea with honey. the taste of home-made snow cones. the taste childhood memories ^_^....

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well its finally weather fit for october

i know becase it's freezing outside and i currently have a headache. also am a bit queasy too, but hopefully it'll either pass or hold off until i get home...unfortunately there's a lot to do before then. x_x at least the sun's out?...tho it doesn't help the fact that the headache is concentrated at the front of my forehead and thus my eyes also hurt...T_T i also feel hot..but maybe its just warmer today...

asking teachers if i can have lunch with their class is still nerve-racking...why???
maybe it's becase i still have that ''god, everyone's listening to my conversation'' fear, even though they probably don't care, and I know that...but stil...for some reason i have that same feeling when bringing out my trash. still not sure what to do about the cans...gah. i don't like how they portray setting them out, especially after that notice...because it doesn't seem right. haaa...

i spent a good afternoon/evening shopping for warm clothes. and some food...i'm stil surprised i managed to bring all that home on my bike.

the gang might get together this weekend, tho with this headache i'm not really feeling in the mood...

always on edge like this when it comes to lesson planning ever since that friday. well it's not like they give me much opportunity to communicate or lay down exactly what they want. well time to wing it-and hope i can withstand whatever criticsm may come my way...

i did like that episode last night. it was sad, but i could totally relate. with love, does come sacrifice. but i also thought, ''as it should be.'' it made me waver about my decision. i really don't know what the right thing is to do. and..my ''love'' probably isn't the purest of the pure. maybe love Can't exist without hate. when you love, you risk being hated? maybe...maybe perhaps love and hate can create such confusion because of that. maybe it's all one really big mess after all. maybe...maybe that's something to hold on to to keep my resolution. to at the very least, find the answer.