nya i'm so lazy...

let's see. recently, i went to the lights pageant in the big city. was pretty cool. nothing too spectacular but it was still pretty lol. the guy was all right, not too handsome, but mature enough to be decent to be around haha. plus i managed to get my kyuudou wear for a little bit cheaper than i thought it would be. plus, free tabi socks haha. also found a cool place that has lots of clothes stores, and even a lolita-looking store, although it's not what i need...>_< what i need being, leggings or longer (nice) skirts for work...haaa...

today, i was pretty happy that i found the two lolita dresses, and for so cheap too! i'm surprised and glad i looked up for once...i wonder how long they've been there lol. they need a little bit of altering, but i bought a few stuff for that, although it'd be useful to have a sewing machine.. >_< tho its not like i could run it here anyways...too loud..x_x i'll just have to do my best hand-doing it...

other stuff i've been wanting to get include stuff for embroidery (as i wanted to embroider something for my kyuudou teacher). also a plate...still, and a bigger bowl, still :P possible a strainer? and def a paper towel dispenser of some sort...but i guess that'll have to be done tomorrow. well, it'll get me out at least :) plus i really need those leggings and longer skirts..x_x but there doesn't seem to be much within my price range here..and finding clothes that fit is damn near impossible..so i guess i just have to go with leggings..haa...maybe the family fashion won't be being worked on like it was today...x_x

the extension for the contract has kinda gotten rolling, at least the email was sent anyways...just gotta try not to get too bundled up yet...and to remember what happens happens i guess...

would be great if you could visit, j-chan! but if not, i understand too...still it'd be fun lol.

ran out of anime and drama's are hard to find these days...haa...wish i was the type of person who could coup themselves up for days on end and be fine...lol..since i dont like going out into the cold :P

anyways, that's about it. nice a sweet, huh? lol. better than nothing tho haha...

ja.

The day after.....christmas lol

Let's see, not really much to tell, but I'll recap what I can.

Classes ended Tuesday and I woke up relatively early to head to the big city with n-chan. Unfortunately, it was raining And windy, oh And cold, so that trip was only so fun...i think i kinda damaged my umbrella, though judging by the looks of all the broken ones i'm glad my only suffered a little. on a small side-track, that got me to thinking about how easily, perhaps subconciously most of the time, we become attached to our stuff. Might just be me though..haha...

Anyways, I managed to avoid buying a lot of "stuff" though I was hella tempted. For instance, I saw some cute costumes, and some cute keychains, but seriously? i didn't need them, so i was able to stop myself haha. (which is good, 'cause i've ended up spending hells of money already..) We also didn't end up going to the kyuudou store after all, as i realized we'd have to go by subway, and let's face it: i'm pretty chicken when it comes to public transportation..x_x the whole getting lost thing or missing my stop still freaks me out even if it wouldn't really be a huge deal...heeeh

In any case, we did check out a lot of the department stores, and the only thing I did spend my money on, besides the bus tickets, was bread. And I have to say, it was a pretty tasty purchase haha. I kind of ended up with a headache later on though, but was able to sleep it off. I was just glad that the migraine didn't make me vomit this time haha.....

We also didn't end up going to the bar, later that evening, like n-chan had wanted, which made me ask (other) j-chan if he wanted to go to dinner...but alas that didn't work out. (btw, trying to get together was like nearly impossible haha, though i'm also incredibly impatient lol.)

went to karaoke alone on thursday, major lame i know haha. but anyways, somehow, i managed to trick myself into pampering/pitying myself by letting myself (jeez too many myselfs, talk about selfish :P) down a pizza, pasta, and an ice cream...(wish i didn't have to Down i though, it was quite tasty, but i can see why breaks for others to sing are needed... >_< of course i didn't htink about it, so not only did i spend a lot, i ate way too much food, and just felt like a pig...whoot for being human...(or american?) XP) kya~!...and that, my friends is when karaoke gets expensive lol. at least now i have the somewhat confidence to order myself on the phone (and apparently w-kun and n-chan managed to too haha), duno why we made such a big deal lol. plus, i found out that "rezabe-shon" is not a word in the Japanese language i guess haha....they must think i'm such an idiot lol...

Let's see, xmas eve was fun. cake, a drink or two, and home-made chilli, which proud to say, i did make myself, though i was really glad that n-chan decided to help. Anyways, we watched the music show, made our commentary and soon fell asleep around 1 i think? maybe...haha.

Moving on, yesterday, xmas was fun too. Although riding around in the snow is tough work! almost as much as riding around in the strong wind haha. But i managed to get everything done, after a phone call to j-chan lol about the difference between white wine and cooking wine lol, luckily the white wine was cheaper and less of and the better choice- talk about crazy luck! (tho i still have some of that left over..x_x)

Kinda feel a bit bad about not eating his food, though we did drink his coke haha. And i did ask for half of his roll cake...heh. Cake...lol. :3 We made cheese fondue and bread and the cream of potato soup (tho it was less creamy and seasoned this time..heh..shoulda let it cook longer but i always worry when the ppl i'm cooking for get hungry heh) and it was okay, though not quite as a hit as the chilli was for n-chan haha. Plus J-chan kept talking about how he sucked at cutting lol. I realized i never really think about how to cut food, i just do lol, so directing ppl kinda feels silly for me lol. On a side note, the cake was pretty delicious (and cute) lol, though I've now eaten 2 of the same kind in a row heeeh...i'm stacking on the pounds...gak...def gonna have to ride them off...or something x_x

Anyways, we watched two movies, 300 and Anchorman, neither of which I particarly liked, but ah well. I can now see I've seen them lol...if that can indeed be considered any kind of tick in my record post haha. So he went home around 11:30 or so, and I suppose he made it home all right.

As for the rest of my plans, I still have karaoke/lunch today with J-chan (excited!), Sendai tomorrow with the Y-kun( ALSO excited, since i love pretty lights and he'd help me get the kyuudou shop), and the new year's even invite to Y-chan's house, which I'm pretty looking forward to getting the fruits and arranging the flower bouquet...however, I haven't heard from her yet...I might call her a day or two before hand if I don't...heh. It's not being pushy, if she Did express she was inviting me for a specific date right? heh.

oh! something else i wanted to mention. Y-kun said he might help me do a live! i'm so excited, and i hope i can. mom said she had another premonition about me "having a singing career" in japan, which i find amusing and interesting lol. Duno about that, I don't know if I want to become really famous, as i do have a couple things I'm not proud of for doing in the past....plus im' so lazy! and i'm smart enough to know that a Talent's life is far from restful....heh. Haaah. I guess I just want to sing for an audience, no matter the age or group size lol. But that kind of job doesn't really pay either. Plus I'd have to work out the details of untangling myself from this job I've nestled into as well...but those are details that'll I'll have to work out when I get there, right?

Speaking of which, I've been thinking more and more of how I should stay. Whether it be selfish or cowardly, I don't know. I know I said I wouldn't run away, but I've been so tired trying for so long to get to d-chan's heart, but it's just not happening. And perhaps I'm tired of being tired of it. Personally, pursuing my life here, and even a singing career sounds far better. Even if I really did love him. Even if I still do. Even if sadness or loneliness will follow me no matter which path I choose.

Anyways, onto a slightly bouncier note, I've had a couple interesting dreams lately, though most of the details have, naturally faded away lol. And though this may not be the place for it, I'd like to anyways. It's my space after all, right? haha. One was where I was at a high school with, for some reason, G-chan, and we were being taught by my principal from here. I remember that G-chan had hurt herself by accident in class during a test, and I volunteered to get some ice. Though I searched the school, I couldn't find any. Then I looked outside and realized there was snow on the ground, and low and behold, ice! So I went to grab the ice, but then I realized there were some creatures there. Maybe human? Anyways, they were doing archery out in the wooded area behind the school, and challenged me to shoot with them. And i guess i didn't have a choice, so i did, though i didn't get beyond loading the bow, when i realized i had to go back to class. So i ran back to class, (tho not sure if i still had the ice lol), and realized i had failed my test, even though i had gone to help a friend, and even explained what happened lol.

i had a 2nd dream, about an avalanche, a recurring dream, except the characters changed slightly... Basically I was watching these anime characters interacting, or rather fighting, then I joined in the plot, though I can't really remember what happened...I just really remember towards the end, where the mountain started to shake and it was getting dark out, and I saw an avalanche coming. The second one I think most of us survived...but then a second one came. And I just remember staring up at the rushing cloud of snow coming towards us, the crumbling buildings and the flying cars, tho one weird thing, was that i felt like i was watching it on T.V. heh... (and clearly i've watched too much anime heh). And I do remember a girl beside me screaming the name of a friend (m-chan). It was one of those annoying, high pitched screams, and i have no idea why she screamed it heh..(haven't quite analyzed these dreams yet lol) Anyways, the avalanche came and went. By the time it ended, it was fully night time and the houses along the mountain were lit up with lights, as well as the houses below the mountain. And i remember the narration for some odd reason "And the whole town was blanketed in snow." Which is quite the lovely narration for a natural disaster that had just occurred heh. When I woke (for real) i told n-chan about the dream and she said i must've been cold haha. One truly strange thing was that, afterwards, she must've been checking the news or weather and said that this city had an avalanche warning! weird?! though luckily, i think it was a different part of the city, and closer to the mountains...though i only say lucky because it meant our lives weren't in danger...though, i also of course hope, no one else was injured of course. it's "funny" but although i haven't really experienced a natural disaster i sure dream about them alot, flooding, avalanches and fires among them...and boy, that terror sure is real...heh..

anyways, 3rd dream last night, i dreamed i was at home, and mom was telling us it was late and to go to bed. i dont' really remember much other than washing dishes and my sister, watching tv, saying "what bedtime?" then mom asking "do you have food at least?" and her nodding her head, then shaking her head, but then me finding snacks and Tupperware containers of food on the shelf haha. On top of that, we were downstairs of our old old house, back in c-town. haha. weird huh. I can generally place most of my dreams, but this one just made no sense lol.

anyways, that's the extent of excitement of my life. oh, tho i did recieve an etch-a sketch (japanese) from j-chan which ive found amusing. plus he seemed to like the chocolate, though it was kinda lame of me, i know..heh. plus i had the "mouthful" drink i got from sendai. the taste was okay i guess...though really the fantasy geek in me wanted it for the cute, pretty bottle lol. go figure :P

anyways (i say that way too much), that's really it, i'm outta ideas. and that used up all my extra time lol, yay at least. also, been taking pics yay! tho mostly of random shit, not events, but i do have them...:)

listening to sentimental music...

...which means it might affect my writing. すまない。

let's see. first the bokenkai. it was pretty good. i was just glad i wasn't late, nor was it far to walk to the school and that the teachers were nice enough to have someone on the lookout for me. i felt kinda sick on the way over and dozed a bit in the car, despite being afraid i was being rude, but i suppose no one noticed as they asked me questions every now and then which i was conscious enough to answer at least. i also received a return gift from one of the teachers for the cookies i made- a chopstick stand, which has turned out to be quite useful . ^^

anyways. we managed to arrive faster than i thought we did, pulling into the hotel's slanted parking lot lol. we got to a room, which i assumed was a bedroom. naturally, being a Japanese hotel, it had tatami mats and a low table although it also had a half kitchen as well. the view through the giant window was really nice, showing blue lights on a man-made pond lit by fired on the water and sparkling blue lights. There was also a garden like walkway, though i couldn't see very well since it was dark. i could also barely make out the ocean, which surprised me. i wasn't aware that we were so close to it.

oh, the hotel was very nice as well. full of glass sculptures, one i liked in particular being the net with glass balls/ovals hanging from it. There were also other sculptures and paintings and i simply remembered there being a lot of shiny surfaces haha. There were also a lot of unexpected patterned carpeted areas, like the stairs. There were also several lobbies, one even that had a very pretty centerpiece made of fire on stones. Later on, we also visited the bar, which had candles within round, glass bowls. To my amusement much of the hotel plants were also decorated xmas style. There was even a fake light tree that had bulbs that flashed different colors. I was particularly interested in the large ikebana flower arrangement in a giant vase within sight of the bar. I think it'd be awesome to work on a flower arrangement of that size. :)

anyways, back to the room we first went to. There was compai all around, with beer in small glasses. Simple treats were also laid out on the table, including some strange but good spicy peanuts, strawberry chocolate and chocolate macadamia nuts, which were quite good. I laugh now, but at first I was wondering where everyone else was, wondering if this was it. Silly me haha.

Anyways, around 7, we made our way to the banquet hall (and i was amused that i wasn't the only one who could manage to get lost in a building). I was quite bedazzled, after seeing the lobbys, and the room, to find myself in a traditional looking banquet hall with long, low tables, trays with food already set out and with the floor of course being tatami mats. There was also a stage with a banner above it and decorated with colorful flower-looking things.

Several teachers had already arrived it seemed. . Oh! We were also told to take a card upon entering, which i thought would be like a lottery, but no, it was to randomly be given a seat. to my amusement, i was placed quite close to a couple teachers that i chilled with in the previous room, which came in use later, when i had to ask how to get to the bathroom- i'm glad that i was so accommodated. :)

let's see...as for the food. there was a lot of seafood, including octopus, clams/oysters, crab soup and snail. i really didn't find any of it appetizing, mostly strange. honestly and sadly the best tasting food was the fried brocolli...even the ice-cream tasted weird..more like fruity ice cream than ice cream :P O_O oh well, at least it all looked quite pretty. i also didn't really know there was an order to eating it...once again, it turns out i know very little after all. i also have pics of the food.

oh! and i also of some of the performances, which i didn't really understand due to my shitty Japanese...although i was made to participate in one of them. i was glad i was included, And that it went well. It was some kind of drawing game, kinda like telephone, but with drawing. I'm just glad it was relatively easy and that the last person guessed right based on my drawing. I was amused at the drawing talent (or lack thereof) of the various teachers haha.

I was also amused at the v.p.'s rowdyness, and the semi-mosh pit/club dancing...but for some reason what amused me the most was when the put the pantyhose on his head. i def have to hand it to the japanese to be incredibly ridiculous when they're drunk, but in a recent convo i had, if we grew up in such a society where they can't express their feelings and everything is so strict and orderly, we'd probably have a bunch of crazyiness locked up inside too. and at least it makes for a new and different level of "funny" or "amusement."

Waitresses (if you can call them that), some in modest maid outfits, others in kimono's came out serving dishes every now and then and eventually after the teachers did their stage stuff, the party began to die down. We each got a simple gift. I kinda wish i had taken more time to choose as i could've gotten something a little more interesting (like the weird ball) ...but count on me to choose the cup, something useful, under pressure haha. also kinda wishing i'd gotten the clothes pin rack, i def could've used that. but oh well...i really can get it anytime, but being human i guess i have my cheap moments and will like just about anything if its free haha.

anyways, the party died down, and my group stopped by the bar. i received coffee and it was okay...i still have to remember to pay the lunch lady back for that...ack. it was kinda boring though, as everyone settled into their own convos and esp in japanese i suck at it so i kinda sat there admiring the view of the pond and lights, trying not to think about how tired i was.

Finally though we moved on, and made out to the car (after the mini-crisis yet fastly resolved forgotten shoe issue haha). The ride back was even faster, with just a few questions.

unfortunately i wasn't able to sleep right away, as i had to jot down my notes for class. i was a bit dissapointed too, that i spent all that time sunday night prepping for the one activity that we never even did due to time....but...that leads me to my next talk.

i was surprised the sensei let me go early too...as bad as i felt about requesting, even indirectly for such a thing...but i guess it's lucky they understood heh...i guess they like me just enough...

anyways, classes were fun this week. i hope the kids enjoyed them. also glad i managed to get out of waxing it seems heeeeeeeh. I'm also surprised i could talk with the one teacher about a rather important part of education and learning.

anyways, i also talked with a couple students, played their card game and even received a very anime-ized drawing of myself haha.

today, i gave out the sticker gifts which went well and the students were pretty cute the past couple days too haha. there were a couple issues with lessons but basically that was at my restriction of not using japanese to explain and my tendancy to create rather difficult activities..x_x i also kinda felt bad that they took up so much time, but at least we did some textbook activities and that i'm kinda getting the hang of combining textbook and self-made ones. today, i played soccer with the kids during class, and man that wore me out...the praising felt weird but i was just lucky they were kinders, if it had been a middle school class or even a higher grade level, i definitely wouldn't have done as well haha. lost as the baseball game, even though i probably could've done better i really didn't have much of an interest, nor was i ever good at baseball/softball haha. the special ed class was fun as always as well, and i was just happy i happen to bring the color game. it's kinda amusing that i just happened to make materials for this week, not knowing what the lesson was and was still able to use them. guess i just got lucky lol.

shouting most of the day is tiring along with the P.E. class...oh xmas cake is good. duno if i mentioned it, but it did make a small appearance in the kyuushouku. also, there was a tasty strawberry jello treat today. ah whipped cream..u are heaven lol.

anyways, the oobleck thing didn't really work out either. as it made a mess, and not many kids got a chance to play with it...also haven't really kept up with water this week for one reason or another...but hopefully it'll be okay and i can get back on it.

winter vacation yay! plans are also stacking up, which include a visit to a Japanese "friend's" house for new years, lunch or dinner with another ALT, hopefully karaoke, xmas eve dinner, and a couple trips to the big city lol. i decided to hold off on the guitar case for now ,since theres no way i'd have the motivation to go all the way to the station to practice and i'm not even sure i'm allowed...so it'd just sit in my closet like the guitar is now...kinda sad when i think about it heh..

anyways, the aim is for the kyuudou wear, tho i kinda had in mind to wait till i got better, i kinda really want it...and i wont' get any xmas presents (other than the few small return gifts i recieved as tasty-chocolate and useful-hashi stand as they are) this year, it should be okay to get that as a present right? pathetic as it is to give myself a gift haha...but that's kinda the philosophy of my life now i guess...living this life for me.

was lazy tonight and ate some of the bento box, kinda wish i had soy sauce for the sushi and might cook the quail eggs in a soup or something, since by themselves they aren't that great..

quick note 'cause i dont remember if i mentioned it, but yeah. cute guy was at the xmas party. and got a few more contacts for hopefully japanese friends maybe? haha...one who'll be in the states when i might go back, tho its unlikely we'd meet then...oh the reality of my relationships comes back again..that said..

..allowing myself to trail off a bit. found a new song, selenite, the one i'm listening to, that was suggested on a youtube comment. it's a decent song. duno why but i kinda like the whispy, dreamy, yet hintedly sad lullaby song, even if the singing isn't that great. havent' talked to d-chan in a while...i remember saying "there's a guy a like..." and trailed off on that one-line story. but for the first time, it kinda felt like i was lying, and had just got caught up in the moment. yappari, as sad as it is, it really is better this way. for me, because it hurts too much to love. to give my all and only feel indifference and even repulsion in return. i was seriously considering on staying, but then i realized that i'm not sure the medical stuff with me and back home would work out...

but...j-chan, u'd be all right wouldn't you? surely you have to learn to keep ur resolve and learn to be okay walking through life even if you feel alone sometimes too. so...on the subject of considering i'd stay, maybe doesn't seem like a terrible choice. only this job wears me out so much...x_x but it Is a job and i have my own life here. here in this dream away from facing a terrible reality back in the states...because as the feelings awakened in my dream, it's not great here, but it Is better than being back there. I'd even be afraid of going back, for the reason that i can't be here again. If i had to choose, i'd say i like it here. i like my job and i like living here, even if my social life isn't very strong. even if there is still a dark sadness inside. even if i want to say i don't need a lover, i can't really make friends, or refusing the fact that i'm lonely. being in a numbed dream is far better than feeling...because those feelings are...truly...悔しい AND 苦しい heh.
here...my world isn't any brighter. i'm not getting any stronger. but i'm not getting weaker either...to me, it's like time has frozen or i'm floating in a still, vast ocean with the night sky always above me. and when i die, i won't even know it...i'd truly rather be numb to the fact i'm sad and crying, than be aware of it....

it's the most selfish thing, i know, to decide to stay here. but the fear of being stuck back there...i can only think about how much i don't want it. the thought is enough to me want to scream and cry and run as fast and far as i can just to avoid it. sadly, your indifference may have made me give up and keep running after all. call it cowardice or call it love...all i can really think and do is breathe in and out and say with a heavy breath, "luck you." i suppose i really wish at least, you'd remember, waving good-bye, sending you, as a memory, away with a smile. it would be nice...if you'd come find me one day instead. but i know, probably not. i'd rather stay here in my bubble (until you do), pretending i don't feel a thing, pretending it's all just disconnected memories meant to fade away, disintegrate in this vast ocean of myself. the one thing that feels familiar, the one thing i know, is the unchanging, enveloping sense of quiet loneliness of emptiness. but it's fine, as i'd rather be blinded and numbed the sunlight i've created in this world of mine.

haa...depressing talk like that sure is a deceivingly sinkable substance to slip into. but maybe it's my reality. not that i guess i entirely mind. part of the character i admire, cold, knows pain and loss, and loneliness no matter if the world glitters or is truly covered in death and destruction. one who smiles fleetingly, and whose heart can be as cynical as innocent, simple and fragile. one who simply seeks peace and rest so she can stop pretending...

anyways! i'm wiped out as this drained the last of my energy. first holiday plans begin tomorrow. to the big city it is... :)

haaa...

well at least it got me writing.

so i was quite excited to see the snow on the ground, even if it wasn't much. and as i merrily went on my way to school, i didn't think there was ice on the sidewalk. And oh there was. Made for quite the turn. I actually scraped myself up pretty good...and I'm surprise no one noticed that i had several cuts and was bleeding...several on my knee, lower leg and one up my thigh, thats probably a good 6-8 inches long. yay...of course i didnt want anyone freaking out about it, and the last thing i needed was the hospital. for a while it was okay, and i probably didnt notice afterwards because it was so cold, and of course the after-fall bodily anesthesia. but i certaintly noticed it once i started warming up and time began to pass. the amount of pain that came afterwards and the multip long cuts would explain why i nearly cried and passed out after falling... :P

i was a bit surprised that there was a kid who passed from this school, who probably saw me fall or at least on the ground and didnt say anything...but i guess it doesn't really bother me that much. just a little surprised.

in any case, ill have to be careful from now on. and apparently i wasnt the only one that fell this morning according to the head english teacher. anyways, im just glad that i didnt bleed too much, and was able to take care of it without anyone noticing. now i just have to hope theres not serious infection...x_xl i also kinda wish this had happened on my way home instead, so i wouldnt have to pretend like it doesnt hurt or hide it and could better take care of it. i cant really remember if i have antibiotic cream or not..x_x and i dont really have time to go looking. guess ill just have to wash it real good when i get home.

funny though, i kinda had an emotional moment when thinking about what to say if the teachers found out, like ''no, i odnt want to to go the hospital! i still want to teach, and someone is counting on me!'' looking back, thats lame And dramatic. heeeeh.

2nd big thing. trying to tell the kids about my fake money for candy prizes...but its not going so well. half the kids have lost 2 days, and i ony thought of going around to tell them now...itll be tight, and a bit stressful but ill just have to do the best i can. i even made illustrations, though hopefully it wont be noticed by the teachers that its in japanese..heeeeh...but after all the q marks that pop up over their heads when i explain, and i have to reach 7 classes in 10 min before lunch, i dont really have the luxery or the time...x_x gambatte to me...heh.

i was a bit surprised too when the class didnt even jump up at my offer for the fake money for daily quesitons. shy? no, i still believe theyre just unmotivated. :P kinda a set back, but the 1st years responded well, even though i didnt get to the 2nd class i wanted to...oh well oh well. win some, lose some...and as much as i feel like i dont want to force them to speak english, so if they dont want money for candy, then oh well. too im not supposed to have that attitude heeeeh.

thats about it. wish me luck for the next few days, at east till school ends...x_x plans are already stacking up...gak..

ひさしぶり。。。

ack...it has been a while, unfortunately. i can't believe im that lazy. anyhoo, recent updates...

before i forget, saw my first snowfall of the year in japan. tho it was more like a sprinkle of snow with lots of wind that resulted in it smacking me in the face on the way to school. fun :P. not my xmas morning, dreamy kind of blanketed snowfall, but exciting nonetheless.

there was a kyuudou competition on sunday, but alas, i missed it due to coming to school. its fine, as i doubt i would've placed anyways. on top of that, i was told i was supposed to wear the kyuudou clothes, which i have not anyways, though i really do want..*_*

as for sunday, it was basically a normal day. kinda had the atmosphere of friday to me anyways. last period parents came to watch the class. which made the students even quieter, at least less disruptive, the main teacher nervous, which in turn stressed me out. oh the joys of observation classes.

ive gotten stickers for the kids, for class (tho not much an opportunity to use them) and mostly for worksheets, though who knows if they'll get them back before break. i hope so :)

also made my first batch of cookies in the toaster oven. disasterous, the first batch was, nearly setting of the smoke alarm, but quickly became better. not great, but edible, and while the teachers may have just been polite, i was happy at least one teacher asked for the recipe, though who knows if thats just being polite too. sucks, i dont really trust ppl to tell the truth, but it does kinda apply here, in japan. even the japanese will admit it..

anyways, also made a special on my fake money at school. id like to keep it this price all year....but seems the head english teacher doesn't like that idea (tho its really just a suspicion as of yet). but when only two kids (one who hasn't even come to get his candy) has talked to me enough, and when most deem it impossible, i dont see any problem in lowering the bar... :/

so i bide my time a bit with that. between cutting out the fake money and having made the litle recipe book. tho im fairly satisfied with my japanese translation (tho im sure there are probably mistakes) and the drawings, i realized i probaby should've put the instructions on the page opposite to the drawing...oh well. i guess i can explain it, though if i can help it, id rather just show her myself...not even sure though when ill be able to make it over there, since their meetings tend to last a long time And take place around when school ends here. yay.

supposedly the fb japanese guy is having an xmas party. supposedly two other ALTs will be there and i doubt they're the ones i hang out with. not entirely thrilled to see them...and i hope one's not the one we've been avoiding...

was thinking of making either the cookies or the soup. probably the soup, which by the way ended up delicious, though tasting more like carrot soup than potato soup haha. oh well. :) now i just gotta figure out what to do with those japanese potatoes...and hope that perhaps the kimchi spice will be enough to drown out the weird flavor. x_x

seems like we'll start japanese classes next semester, so its something to look forward too lol.

things ive been thinking i need: a coat. maybe....though considering our dec and jan paychecks wont be as much as usual, i think i should save. in theory. unfortunately theory never happens.

on top of that, theres supposedly a drinking party with the teachers on monday night. sad, since i have to be at school tuesday...and on top of that its not cheap. around 150 if i take the hotel as well...but even so, the first number he presented was 120...x_x

just glad my computer fixed itself. speaking of which yay. my computer fixed itself. :) for once a blind mistake turned out to be for the best.

winter plans, i was thinking of visiting matsushima...but duno. depends on how daring i feel. i'd rather use the time to rest. watch anime, perhaps start a fic...but unfortunately im ''not allowed'' anymore, due to certain bodily complications..haa..

ill probably go to sendai though, and meet up with the japanese guy. he plays the guitar and sings, so perhaps we could have some real fun. hopefully this encounter will turn out better than my past ones..x_x also, perhaps planning on seeing the sendai lights show. would be cool too if we could find a place to skate, though last time i did, my ankles and shins nearly died...still though...

i messaged the one girl, and hopefuly we can hang out on xmas. would be nice..though i guess being alone, eating xmas cake and watching anime and staying in the warmth wouldn't be bad either... :) either way, i think itd be okay.

also planning on getting together with n-chan for chilli and xmas cake. i hope i can find all the ingredients, and it should be pretty swell. :) a step up from potato soup, yes, but ive made chilli so much, it shouldn't be too much more difficult.

should go around to take pics. still havent gotten a good one of the fish...tho ive missed my chance to get any good pics of trees with the leaves still on. tho i have gotten a few good ones of the sky. :)

also, maybe staying here for another year...? maybe....after all the pros outweigh the cons of going back. the only con for here, would be that in all honesty, i'm pretty shitty at this job...heh. :/ and also in all honesty, im tired of trying to win the acceptance of someone who just doesn't give a damn either way. fuck that. big time...

anyways that's about it, jaaaa. :)

as i once again wait for school to end..

though with all the hype, maybe it means there wont be clubs? i hope...not that i hate it, but i suck so much at the guitar. well, at least im not in physical discomfort today.

i had a girl come up to me the other day and say ''what's up, buttercup?'' as large question marks popped up all around me, i was a bit confused and weary cause im pretty sure she was the girl i prevented from cheating, and in turn figured she hated me. also, i genuinly had no clue what she was talking about. then it hit me today, as that was a saying from like, middle school years. which brings me to my next point, where did she learn That from?... o_o

it was raining this morning, and windy as hell. which caused my skirt to get soaked And fly up as i was riding my bike. luckily i wasn't really within sight of many cars...but it was pretty miserable being cold and wet and entering school looking like a drowned err...cat.

naruto-and the cat episode..so silly..though im sure plenty of fan girls were all over sasuke, cat ears, and acting like a playful kitty. :P sorry, random thought.

looks like its getting a bit sunnier out, as the light smacks me in the face, though there are some heavy, dark-looking clouds out still. would be nice though if i could go home without too much wind or rain.

ugh..i think i'm gaining weight. yuck.

not sure if there's kyuudou tonight, but i guess i might as well show up as if there is. can celebrate later if there isn't.

been having some weird dreams lately. first one, about me and being in a pool facility in the middle of a forest, trying to block out this dog/bear beast that was coming at me by holding up a door that was too small for its frame. huh...

also, last night, had a dream about being at college, of course as usual, the atmosphere is weird. i also remember picking up some food at a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. these places that i keep revisiting in my dream that i've more or less made up(with the atmosphere and familiarity of a cross between c-ville and college)are Really weird...anyways, so yeah. picking up food, something having to do with my sis...can't really remember too well though.

oh, made a friend, i think...we'll see how long it takes me to crash and butcher this one...x_x as simple as i am that the idea of making friends make me happy, i think i always end up in tears, wondering what i did wrong because they never stick around...*sigh* moving on.

drinking party this weekend. yeah. should be good, i hope. though not looking forward to more expensive raw fish and strange-tasting food, no offense x_x its too bad i'll be missing the volunteer group enaki, though it will mean i'll save a few bucks and my tastebuds. i will say, in my defense though, what the hell? why would they set it on a thursday night, when they Know i teach? I guess the rest of them are retired or something...well good for them. also, saying ''we won't drink until late'' doesnt exactly convince me i can suddenly go. its Still the night before school.

still haven't got the courage to ask the kyuudou instructor about the cake event (and i feel so bad for calling it that, but i have no idea what it really is)...must try tomorrow night, but i so fear her wrath at my suckiness at Japanese.

i really want a toaster oven. i　really wanna bake cookies...*_* but thats just more money to spend...its only just barely december, and with paying for school lunches and my bills, i really dont have any extra i should be spending...wah..

was thinking of writing, but every time it passes through my mind, i suddenly feel really lazy. yeah..i still can't decide which series to do, which would help...both would work well...

i recently came across an old poem from years ago. not mine, but...it hurt to read, though i guess just about anything now does when it has to do with him..one might ask, if its so painful then it would never work out. but, its the fact that he won't accept me, as the reason why it hurts. vicious cycle. no matter how i think about it or how i act, i'll lose. and no matter what, i guess i can't help but be the fool.

oh dear..its so quiet in the teacher's room. just me and the lunch lady (the cuter one. guess everyone out for that...reasearch/study/class thats in kanji so i dont really know what it is...even dictionaries seem to fail me for the most part.

speaking of which, i recieved a booklet so i can learn the students names. but it doesnt really help as its all in kanji too and there are so many god awful ways to read a person's name...maybe ill ask t-chan for help...heh. eh, thats what friends do with each other anyways. use 'em while u can, right?..heh..

my hands have been sore lately. i blame it on the abuse of the double whammy which is guitar and kyuudou. btw, did i mention how physically weak i am?...x_x

i found i might have another option. maybe...if i can ever find another chance to talk to the kindergarten teacher, i just might have another option for when i go back to the states. any options are considered after all since i'll basically be wandering aimlessly anyways, at least, after i complete the quest to my true feelings and future in that regard...

speaking of which, that reminds me of another part in my dream. i flew back to the states, then realized i was being tricked into teaching little kids there. i was enraged and upset and said i wanted to go back to Japan and teach (between plane rides and runs between random hotels o_o). huh...my feelings have rarely ever been so clear. but maybe i enjoy it here more than i think..

been making a list of activities, or rather adding to them. i would love to do them all, but the opportunity rarely arises, since teaching plans at the middle school and the one elementary school are fairly strict. and the one where i do have some freedom i dont go to very often..sad.

also, ive been told i can take pics, yay! just can't sell them, like hell i would. jeez, what do they take me for? oh well..

by the way, its true that japanese children need to be told every little detailed instruction or they won't understand it. god forbid, that would explain a little, why its so hard to get them to understand any game i try and teach...

at lunch yesterday, i was asked to sing in front of the students. chicken out, of course and said i would after school, but i havent seen the girl since..heh. guess if its meant to happen it will. totally dont have the guts to go Looking for embarrasment, thats for sure.

still haven't decided to sign up for japanese classes...so much effort. and the place is kinda far, despite what that volunteer leader says...haa...plus, more money spent and less time on the weekends to relax and at least semi-recoup.

guess thats it. well that was satisfyingly length, no? lolz.