ひさしぶり。。。

ack...it has been a while, unfortunately. i can't believe im that lazy. anyhoo, recent updates...

before i forget, saw my first snowfall of the year in japan. tho it was more like a sprinkle of snow with lots of wind that resulted in it smacking me in the face on the way to school. fun :P. not my xmas morning, dreamy kind of blanketed snowfall, but exciting nonetheless.

there was a kyuudou competition on sunday, but alas, i missed it due to coming to school. its fine, as i doubt i would've placed anyways. on top of that, i was told i was supposed to wear the kyuudou clothes, which i have not anyways, though i really do want..*_*

as for sunday, it was basically a normal day. kinda had the atmosphere of friday to me anyways. last period parents came to watch the class. which made the students even quieter, at least less disruptive, the main teacher nervous, which in turn stressed me out. oh the joys of observation classes.

ive gotten stickers for the kids, for class (tho not much an opportunity to use them) and mostly for worksheets, though who knows if they'll get them back before break. i hope so :)

also made my first batch of cookies in the toaster oven. disasterous, the first batch was, nearly setting of the smoke alarm, but quickly became better. not great, but edible, and while the teachers may have just been polite, i was happy at least one teacher asked for the recipe, though who knows if thats just being polite too. sucks, i dont really trust ppl to tell the truth, but it does kinda apply here, in japan. even the japanese will admit it..

anyways, also made a special on my fake money at school. id like to keep it this price all year....but seems the head english teacher doesn't like that idea (tho its really just a suspicion as of yet). but when only two kids (one who hasn't even come to get his candy) has talked to me enough, and when most deem it impossible, i dont see any problem in lowering the bar... :/

so i bide my time a bit with that. between cutting out the fake money and having made the litle recipe book. tho im fairly satisfied with my japanese translation (tho im sure there are probably mistakes) and the drawings, i realized i probaby should've put the instructions on the page opposite to the drawing...oh well. i guess i can explain it, though if i can help it, id rather just show her myself...not even sure though when ill be able to make it over there, since their meetings tend to last a long time And take place around when school ends here. yay.

supposedly the fb japanese guy is having an xmas party. supposedly two other ALTs will be there and i doubt they're the ones i hang out with. not entirely thrilled to see them...and i hope one's not the one we've been avoiding...

was thinking of making either the cookies or the soup. probably the soup, which by the way ended up delicious, though tasting more like carrot soup than potato soup haha. oh well. :) now i just gotta figure out what to do with those japanese potatoes...and hope that perhaps the kimchi spice will be enough to drown out the weird flavor. x_x

seems like we'll start japanese classes next semester, so its something to look forward too lol.

things ive been thinking i need: a coat. maybe....though considering our dec and jan paychecks wont be as much as usual, i think i should save. in theory. unfortunately theory never happens.

on top of that, theres supposedly a drinking party with the teachers on monday night. sad, since i have to be at school tuesday...and on top of that its not cheap. around 150 if i take the hotel as well...but even so, the first number he presented was 120...x_x

just glad my computer fixed itself. speaking of which yay. my computer fixed itself. :) for once a blind mistake turned out to be for the best.

winter plans, i was thinking of visiting matsushima...but duno. depends on how daring i feel. i'd rather use the time to rest. watch anime, perhaps start a fic...but unfortunately im ''not allowed'' anymore, due to certain bodily complications..haa..

ill probably go to sendai though, and meet up with the japanese guy. he plays the guitar and sings, so perhaps we could have some real fun. hopefully this encounter will turn out better than my past ones..x_x also, perhaps planning on seeing the sendai lights show. would be cool too if we could find a place to skate, though last time i did, my ankles and shins nearly died...still though...

i messaged the one girl, and hopefuly we can hang out on xmas. would be nice..though i guess being alone, eating xmas cake and watching anime and staying in the warmth wouldn't be bad either... :) either way, i think itd be okay.

also planning on getting together with n-chan for chilli and xmas cake. i hope i can find all the ingredients, and it should be pretty swell. :) a step up from potato soup, yes, but ive made chilli so much, it shouldn't be too much more difficult.

should go around to take pics. still havent gotten a good one of the fish...tho ive missed my chance to get any good pics of trees with the leaves still on. tho i have gotten a few good ones of the sky. :)

also, maybe staying here for another year...? maybe....after all the pros outweigh the cons of going back. the only con for here, would be that in all honesty, i'm pretty shitty at this job...heh. :/ and also in all honesty, im tired of trying to win the acceptance of someone who just doesn't give a damn either way. fuck that. big time...

anyways that's about it, jaaaa. :)

as i once again wait for school to end..

though with all the hype, maybe it means there wont be clubs? i hope...not that i hate it, but i suck so much at the guitar. well, at least im not in physical discomfort today.

i had a girl come up to me the other day and say ''what's up, buttercup?'' as large question marks popped up all around me, i was a bit confused and weary cause im pretty sure she was the girl i prevented from cheating, and in turn figured she hated me. also, i genuinly had no clue what she was talking about. then it hit me today, as that was a saying from like, middle school years. which brings me to my next point, where did she learn That from?... o_o

it was raining this morning, and windy as hell. which caused my skirt to get soaked And fly up as i was riding my bike. luckily i wasn't really within sight of many cars...but it was pretty miserable being cold and wet and entering school looking like a drowned err...cat.

naruto-and the cat episode..so silly..though im sure plenty of fan girls were all over sasuke, cat ears, and acting like a playful kitty. :P sorry, random thought.

looks like its getting a bit sunnier out, as the light smacks me in the face, though there are some heavy, dark-looking clouds out still. would be nice though if i could go home without too much wind or rain.

ugh..i think i'm gaining weight. yuck.

not sure if there's kyuudou tonight, but i guess i might as well show up as if there is. can celebrate later if there isn't.

been having some weird dreams lately. first one, about me and being in a pool facility in the middle of a forest, trying to block out this dog/bear beast that was coming at me by holding up a door that was too small for its frame. huh...

also, last night, had a dream about being at college, of course as usual, the atmosphere is weird. i also remember picking up some food at a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. these places that i keep revisiting in my dream that i've more or less made up(with the atmosphere and familiarity of a cross between c-ville and college)are Really weird...anyways, so yeah. picking up food, something having to do with my sis...can't really remember too well though.

oh, made a friend, i think...we'll see how long it takes me to crash and butcher this one...x_x as simple as i am that the idea of making friends make me happy, i think i always end up in tears, wondering what i did wrong because they never stick around...*sigh* moving on.

drinking party this weekend. yeah. should be good, i hope. though not looking forward to more expensive raw fish and strange-tasting food, no offense x_x its too bad i'll be missing the volunteer group enaki, though it will mean i'll save a few bucks and my tastebuds. i will say, in my defense though, what the hell? why would they set it on a thursday night, when they Know i teach? I guess the rest of them are retired or something...well good for them. also, saying ''we won't drink until late'' doesnt exactly convince me i can suddenly go. its Still the night before school.

still haven't got the courage to ask the kyuudou instructor about the cake event (and i feel so bad for calling it that, but i have no idea what it really is)...must try tomorrow night, but i so fear her wrath at my suckiness at Japanese.

i really want a toaster oven. i　really wanna bake cookies...*_* but thats just more money to spend...its only just barely december, and with paying for school lunches and my bills, i really dont have any extra i should be spending...wah..

was thinking of writing, but every time it passes through my mind, i suddenly feel really lazy. yeah..i still can't decide which series to do, which would help...both would work well...

i recently came across an old poem from years ago. not mine, but...it hurt to read, though i guess just about anything now does when it has to do with him..one might ask, if its so painful then it would never work out. but, its the fact that he won't accept me, as the reason why it hurts. vicious cycle. no matter how i think about it or how i act, i'll lose. and no matter what, i guess i can't help but be the fool.

oh dear..its so quiet in the teacher's room. just me and the lunch lady (the cuter one. guess everyone out for that...reasearch/study/class thats in kanji so i dont really know what it is...even dictionaries seem to fail me for the most part.

speaking of which, i recieved a booklet so i can learn the students names. but it doesnt really help as its all in kanji too and there are so many god awful ways to read a person's name...maybe ill ask t-chan for help...heh. eh, thats what friends do with each other anyways. use 'em while u can, right?..heh..

my hands have been sore lately. i blame it on the abuse of the double whammy which is guitar and kyuudou. btw, did i mention how physically weak i am?...x_x

i found i might have another option. maybe...if i can ever find another chance to talk to the kindergarten teacher, i just might have another option for when i go back to the states. any options are considered after all since i'll basically be wandering aimlessly anyways, at least, after i complete the quest to my true feelings and future in that regard...

speaking of which, that reminds me of another part in my dream. i flew back to the states, then realized i was being tricked into teaching little kids there. i was enraged and upset and said i wanted to go back to Japan and teach (between plane rides and runs between random hotels o_o). huh...my feelings have rarely ever been so clear. but maybe i enjoy it here more than i think..

been making a list of activities, or rather adding to them. i would love to do them all, but the opportunity rarely arises, since teaching plans at the middle school and the one elementary school are fairly strict. and the one where i do have some freedom i dont go to very often..sad.

also, ive been told i can take pics, yay! just can't sell them, like hell i would. jeez, what do they take me for? oh well..

by the way, its true that japanese children need to be told every little detailed instruction or they won't understand it. god forbid, that would explain a little, why its so hard to get them to understand any game i try and teach...

at lunch yesterday, i was asked to sing in front of the students. chicken out, of course and said i would after school, but i havent seen the girl since..heh. guess if its meant to happen it will. totally dont have the guts to go Looking for embarrasment, thats for sure.

still haven't decided to sign up for japanese classes...so much effort. and the place is kinda far, despite what that volunteer leader says...haa...plus, more money spent and less time on the weekends to relax and at least semi-recoup.

guess thats it. well that was satisfyingly length, no? lolz.

just a quick one...

well i'm feeling pretty crappy emotionally. also tired...

but just to keep up with checking in, here's a summary of random thoughts and the weekend events.

the meeting with the city volunteer group was ok. some cute guys at least, even if they were younger then me and i basically won't see them but maybe once or twice since i think they live pretty far away. not like they'd really have an interest anyways...so i guess that also throws my motivation for japanese classes out the window too.

last night was all right, seems the water helps, which i'll keep in mind...

9 hours of karaoke. i hate when ppl try to talk or communicate with others about me like i'm not there when i clearly am. and for an instance i wish i had been alone even if that isn't the point.

next week's schedule is weird. looks like a lot of sitting around and possibly random, boring events popping up...

trying not to spend too much... x_x

i'm not really getting any better at kyuudo. or japanese.

drinking party is next weekend. sunday i'd like to reserve just for me...and any other events that are being scheduled i just don't know....

i guess it's stupid of me to have high expectations or any at all of people. they have their lives, and my peace will come...whether that will fall under a warm or cold sunset, has yet to be determined.

i'm so frustrated...but there's really no excuse :/

cheers to last bit of rest before the start of the week.

wow...hisashi buri to like the max...

wow i really suck at this...not that there has been much to update.

kyuudo's going all right, as i've hit the target a few times, though it's still hard to keep everything in check. tomorrow, i've been promised that i'll learn how to shoot while holding a second arrow in the hand that's shooting. should be interesting... :P
drinking party coming up for the kyuudo gang. sashimi-not so much, but it'll be good to let loose. as long as i bring that water bottle..x_x

spent 30 bucks on candy today....guh. hope i don't need to again for a while. sad though that no one seems to be coming up to me- so i've thought of adding in the fake money for daily questions too, however much that'll help. but really, that cashier probably thought i was nuts. saw a few things i'd like at the yamaya, gram crackers, nuts and oatmeal to name a few...oh well, this weekend maybe?

i really hope the middle school doesn't ask me to come on saturday, i really kinda wanna check out that meeting. and it sucks like me being cautious to not volunteer myself to school on friday, probably makes me seem reluctant to that head guy of the meeting...but i guess it can't really be helped.

also wanna get together to go for karaoke on sunday, my god i want that pizza really bad...x_x. kinda sucks to think i wont get to sing as much as i want, but since i'tll be with other ppl, i guess that's fine- my nerves can hopefully not be too stressed out.

tests this week- meaning next to no classes at the middle school fun fun...but elementary school will be busy all day- yay...and just when its the lessons i could plan for.

made some spongebob cut outs for class, learning about sea creatures. should be fun, and i made a sandy- just in case some kids complain :P also made some cards for the calendar game. i hope i remember that tomorrow.

also, the nametag's in my bag...so theres no way i can forget, right? x_x

today was a holiday, last night and this morning was kinda waste but all right. bad japanese movies though...x_x also carsick= not fun...as i rode my bike around today, i realized i do like the fresh air a lot more.

took a few pics on my phone..but i really gotta get on taking real pics of this place at some point.

went over my spending limit...x_x must do better next time. for realz or i'll be shooting my plans down the drain. lame that in this case money = freedom. i think i've had my fill for clothes now...and hopefully i won't think of too many more useful things...

had a weird dream last night. something that was def affected by that tragic love "horror" story last night. all i really remember was interacting with friends and family at my college and this big house. i remember looking into an empty classroom that was being built. the top floor was full of old clothes, and i got stuck in the spiral staircase that was more like a latter chute... and also something about collecting, and keeping and setting free 6 black widows...x_x

shouldn't have gotten that guitar. i realized i have no motivation, nor is it a lifestyle i could keep up with, even if my so called dreams came true.

was thinking about singing for the kids, but i have this terrible feeling they wouldn't care and just be terrible disinterested. not sure if i could handle that apathy, even from kids...

guess that's about it, crazy i said more than i meant to, but a briefing on what's been up works too.

pending chores = sew buttons onto sleeves, try and make skirts, air out futon.

one thing i've noticed...

about when the Japanese people are talking to me here. Usually they'll say something twice max in Japanese, but if i don't get it right away, they give up- who cares if the foreigner can't understand them, even if it would be nice if they could find another way to relay the information. but i guess i'd be a hypocritical biatch if i said i wasn't the same way. still, i'll be selfish and whine that it's incredibly frustrating to be missing important information.

and on that note, looks like another irregular week. i think something similar to consultations for 3rd years with their parents is going on. the door to the guitar club is open, but i was told i couldn't play due to disturbing them I guess. Tho, after that teacher came back to me, i couldn't understand whether she was saying i COULD go practice now, or if she was just apologizing that i couldn't. god knows...
i don't really want to practice after school, because i really should go to city hall and ask about why i haven't been billed for my insurance yet...go figure i'd have problems right about now, when things finally began to settle down. also go figure there doesn't seem to be a single word in the dictionary that could help me translate ''bill.'' *another angry face* yay for more language fails...

ive been trying to practice a little with the rope for kyuudo, but yappari, its really too different than holding and drawing the actual bow. >_<

my arms are really fuckin sore.

i really do want to practice guitar tho, but maybe that would just make me frustrated. perhaps i Should buy a guitar, tho it looks like the cheapest of the nicer ones was taken. dang. and while itd be nice to play, i probably dont have the energy anyways....haa...

in any case. if i'm not allowed to do anything productive, then i'm even more adamantly feeling like surfing the net to keep awake and genuinly being busy is totally not my fault. i guess it's not really theirs, but hell, it's certaintly not mine.

the leaves are starting to turn colors and there was frost on the grass clovers today. winter's certainly a-comin. wanted to take pics before it got that way but i guess thats what i get for being a lazy ass.

ive started making a list of phrases and vocab words from the textbook and ones i've learned or picked up on since coming here (even tho several have come from anime, still counts if i watched it while i was here (and thank goodness for that to keep my dumbly occupied) :P) at least maybe it'll eventually prove useful and perhaps i can post it right before i leave for home as a kind of wrap up. perhaps with a comprehensive list of random things i learned. certainly that'll make me feel better right? :P

i need to stop having dreams where i'm fired. at least it wasn't entirely about that last time. altho dreams of being about to die kinda suck too. last night's was definitely weird, what with the piratey dream, the strange animals, the remote island off japan, and being charged to hang. oh yeah, and suddenly having less money in the bank.

i need to sweep my floor at home. and eat real food tonight. and probably go shopping for the few groceries i forgot if the atms aren't closed-tho if i make it to the city hall, they might be...

i'd also really like a pair of new headphones. nothing fancy, but nice would be nice. probably should wait till this weekend though...

i wonder why i haven't gotten billed for my phone yet either...x_x uwahaaaa...

kyuudo- a dream come true?

more or less lol. it's already nerve-racking. i always forget what learning a sport feels like. the female teacher (thank god she's female) and the one guy who's helping me out, they're strict but understanding and they do dish out the praises every now and then, even if i don't feel like i'm doing that well. i'm still surprised i managed to sign up despite my lack of good japanese :P maybe i just go luckeh....lol.

the kyuudo place is in what looks like a huge warehouse and might've been at one point. the floor is made of dirt, with white lines that make up a large rectangle kind of like a school gym floor. there's random tools up against the walls. no windows though, at least not that i noted. at the far end there are 6 (?) rather small targets. there's a couple straw, practice targets on the side as well, which i've been using as a beginner.

the arrows they use have real feathers, at least they look that way, but other than that they're fairly similar to western archery arrows. the bows are far different though of course, at least in shape and size, longer and more slender, though these might also be made of fiberglass rather than bamboo, at least based on their appearance.

practice is tough, but fun. i tend to mess up a lot and forget, and it does seem that while i might be decent with the western bow, that training has def messed me up here lol. and i can only imagine it'll get tougher starting wed as i learn to release the arrow. it's crazy how much the japanese pay attention, perfecting step by step the techniques and what not, but it's also pretty cool and professional-looking :) and well...the final target i'll be aiming for is much farther than anything i've aimed for in my life. so, i suppose refining over and over again will be pretty damn important lol. especially since everything is different than the western style. there's much more attention to a kind of ceremonial waking in the beginning, to the different positions of every body part. pretty crazy stuff lol. i haven't even injured or released the arrow yet, and yet i'm nervous simply holding the arrow that close to my face-as it goes against everything i've been taught not to do haha. oh well, wish me luck in not injuring myself >_< i hate being a weak human like that with those trivial kind of fears.

in any case, at the end, they all step up very formally and shoot at the targets. i suppose their hits are counted, or so it seems. today was a bit amusing as the teacher missed all 4 and said "i won't cry!" i had to secretly LOL inside. i suppose even masters have their off days. at least in real life. anyways, as the end, they un-string their bow (also differently than western bows)by pressing the top tip against an enforcer and leaning the bottom part on their left leg to apply pressure enough to lift the string off. :) can't wait till i'm made to do that. i hope that thing is fool proof. but i digress again. so, they put away their arrows, wrap up their bows. a couple people take brooms and sweep the dirt back into the mound where the targets are. the rest of us take bigger brooms and trail them behind us as we walk the length of the floor. even that menial labor isn't too bad, and i'm just glad that im someone who doesn't mind it lol. then we stand behind the teacher bow a few times, clap our hands together and say our ending farewells with "thank you for your hard work".

better remember to practice every day, even if it feels like there's too much to remember. in any case, my rice should be about done and i'm sipping on some warm lemon vit C drink-i've rather gotten used to the sweet, bitterness lol.

as for other notes, i woke up late today since i was up late last night due to my inability not to talk to a certain person...it'd been a while since i'd been up that late. i really gotta figure out how to block out the sunlight...x_x in any case, i woke up late, did some laundry (curse my stupidity for washing All my socks), and left to go find more suitable wear for kyuudo. luckily that search ended well, but unfortunately i couldn't draw any money from the atms. curse japan for having atms that close at certain random hours...x_x.

i could go out to get tasty food, but then, i'm not exactly in the best shape anyways...i really worry too much...as long as i am happy and can function doing daily tasks it should really be okay right? x_x and hell, i don't Really wanna have to go anywhere tomorrow anyways lol. tho it's unlikely i'll stay up as late as i did last night hah hah hah...

my arms will probably be sore tomorrow. yay. but i really oughta keep practicing. besides, anime can really only keep me interested for so long until i feel the need to get up and move around. it's perfect. :)

wed's will be tough from now on 'cause of school, then club, the kyuudo. but it's all worth it in the end. now that i've finally taken some real advantage to being in japan. and it luckily the gods are smiling on me with such a good opportunity so close. thats why i can't give up ;)

that's about it. not sure whether to be happy or not about the increasingly cold weather.........lol.

since it's been a while again....

i forgot to mention that they had a singing contest a while ago. the title of which sounded something like "gasho konkuru" well there i go butchering Japanese, though i'm not sure what it means anyways. anyways, it was an interesting singing event, and yes, singing, i've found, is a huge thing in Japan. no wonder they're huge fans of karaoke. one thing to note though, it seems they take the competition quite seriously, as several girls ended up in tears because they didn't win any place. i do know how it feels, so i suppose i do sympathize. and of course, i too, take singing very seriously. still it surprised me, to be honest.

what else have i left out? after several language fails i managed to get everything settle, bank account, insurance and visa, yay :) things have finally settled into a decent rhythm.

some random notes, as i tend to do, are one: i'm kind of annoyed at the frequent mistakes people are making regarding lesson plans and schedules. seriously, if they screw up, it's totally unfair to blame me for being unprepared. just saying. just like, if they don't let me plan anything for the lessons, don't criticize me for not being busy.

two: something really random happened to me today. i thought i lost my bike. and thought it was both funny and bizzare as well as a bit unnerving. my first thought was that a student had by coincidence the same locks on their bikes and mistook mine for theirs. in any case, i'm glad i checked the two bikes that were by the shoe cubbies, because lo and behold there was my bike. i was told that some teachers probably mistook it for students, but Why MY bike??? out of the the hundreds that are lined up?...that's pretty effin random...and now that i think about it, my human mind wants to be suspicious. but oh well, nothing i can do now. continuing on that note though, i also wondered how they got it there since the locks were on there. then i realized they probably carried. then i wondered, why the hell they took that much effort to do so....again suspicions. there we go with my the "world is out to get me" way of thinking. yay, to join 99% of the population. (in america) :P

three: yay. it's not a no anymore...*hopes*

four: i'm a really terrible person some times...i think you've started to realize that too. i'm for that, even if i won't take back my words, i Am sorry that deep down i do have a shitty personality... :(

five: i'm really glad i could learn the guitar again, although it's as much of a physical pain as i remember (guess i'm just that weak) and it'll def take quite a bit of practice, tho most of its coming back pretty easily. it'd be nice if my dream did come true. i'd really like to sing and play. :) but for now, i just gotta make sure i'm at least decently prepared for the first concert (aka the first step lol).
not many of the girls seem to practice, but then again they know their instruments very well, so they seemed to learn pretty quickly...in any case, catchy songs. maybe i'll see if i can also get the tabs for the other songs too. :)

six: yay for the weekend coming so soon, i do love holidays in the middle of my week lol.

..i'm gonna stop counting. :P some even more random things that have been on my mind. jerks with too much arrogance. i hate. ppl who i believe are good ppl who act jerk-ish. i hate.

mom's been asking about my plans when i go back...not incredibly jumping at the chance to tell her what i'm considering..i kinda wanna make sure i can make it work out first. now that i believe in j-chan, i think i'd be ready to face it and do what it takes :)

i've been meaning to take pics of the city...and i keep forgetting. maybe this weekend- if it doesn't rain on me... -_-' itd be nice to get some pics before the city turns all wintery...

mah japanese = still sucks.

i think i was invited to go to dinner by the students..but knowing the policy i wasn't sure what to say, so i think i just came off as confused and unfortunately that hindered me asking for more details x_x . i hope i get asked again though...or i might just ask the teacher...which is awkward enough in itself.

i really ought to get more wintery clothes...but good luck to me trying to find more stuff that fits, as i can't afford anything really from the nicer jusco stores, and i'm pretty sure i exhausted all possibility at the 2nd hand stores...gah. that deserves another x_x. oh well, such is life.

and i guess that wraps it up for now. yay for this blog hanging by a thread...