...and i guess there's actually some things to say this time.
I wanted to give the kids rewards, but I don't want to be like the past ALT. I mean I don't want to copy him, because I wanted the kids to like me for me. But now I think that's impossible. Even so, even if I made the fake money and gave the candy, I don't have that much. And I don't have a lot of spare money to...spare. I wonder what I should do...? :(
I tried to find the foreign food store for American candy. it should only be about 10 min from the school, and yet i somehow, like always, managed to fail in finding it. i guess there's no hope for me... :(
On a good note, that girl talked to me. The one that looks like the girl you liked, although I've been too nervous to talk to her. She's cute, but it's not like I like her of course as that would be incredibly, morally wrong, but despite the nervousness, I was incredibly relieved she talked to me. I don't know what it is about certain people, but I feel like I can sense their energy, cheerful and dark, kind and vicious, bored and passionate...I've noticed it especially since I've come here. or maybe I'm just been reminded. Am I going crazy? But I can't explain it.
I've wondered often yesterday and today...if I was a beautiful American girl with blond hair and blue eyes, tall and slender, would the students like me more? I wish I was more beautiful, even as an Asian. But with that wish, I've become uncertain, and it reminds me that I don't want to lose myself. Am I so easily eroded away?
I'm not sure if I should tell mom about this, although part of me wants to. About the smart ass kids. I'm sure it'd just be the typical mom response, although sweet, I don't want her to worry about how much it actually bothers me. Besides, I really should be able to live on my own strength. Although how little of that there really is, bothers me too...
Today went slightly better, and I begun to feel I might be able to do this after all. The students have great energy, even if there's always the smart-ass in every class(always a guy, go figure) to act like i'm the worst thing that happened to them. :/
On top of that, I also got berated for the first time by T-sensei. Sometimes during my life it's really been a big deal and whatever was my fault I really, truly should've been ashamed. But sometimes it's nothing big at all, and something I should really take just as a note for that time and that place.
But I don't take criticism well. And I easily misconstrue a remark to mean that someone just doesn't like me. And it amazes me how miserably depressed I become about it. Maybe I'm just not a people person. But that realistic despair is only all too familiar. I've simply been reminded of it.
I thought it was just S-senpai. But then it seems like it must be all teachers here. After going from class to class with T-sensei, it seems that perhaps it's true after all. Watching her handle the class, I sensed the same feigned energy. Fake. That's what I thought. Like "I don't really wanna be here, doing this, my smile is just a show, and you're just a chore." I was trying to have fun, and have the kids like me-but today it came with a price...
I don't know whether that, or the comment depressed me more. I wonder if I'll become like how I think of the Japanese teachers now (I feel like college professors were so different, and even some of my other teachers along the way), and I become more down just at the thought. I've already found out, based on the fact that I changed my answers to the kids' questions a lot, that by lying...maybe I already am.
I liked talking with the girls, but when they talked in Japanese, I felt like a true outsider again-awkward, shut out and alone. Middle school on repeat. I still don't really have any friends here and after today, even though I hoped that perhaps T-sensei might become one, maybe there isn't any hope for me there either.
I was hoping you'd be on but I suppose you're getting settled in. I've thought about the intimate relationship for a while now. After the first class, I told the children that there was someone I liked, even though I didn't have a boyfriend. Although whether there is truly someone I like or not (or even if it amounts to anything) I don't really know.
I was also told that the one speech contest, I thought was so beautifully written with such a powerful and unique idea, was actually written mostly by the teacher. I thought that wasn't okay and against the rules of the contest, but it's not really (like most other things at the school) my place to correct or speak up about, I guess.... :/ I was surprised and a little down, because I was excited thinking that the students were profound thinkers. I wonder if that's really so, now.
I guess for now, I'll enjoy my coke that I bought needlessly in order to get directions (which failed because of my lack of Japanese anyways...) and maybe put on some dinner. To be alone, is truly the most peaceful, I suppose. I am a little sad from time to time, but there is no strife, no harsh pain. It is like death in one's sleep. I wonder if living like this may be the only way I can ever actually live without hurting anyone.
After all, I don't know why. Maybe it's because I think I deserve to be unhappy. Or because I truly am cruel because I am always restless. I thought about it, and realized, that maybe even if I met the most wonderful, Japanese guy to love me with all his heart, perhaps even then I wouldn't be happy. I realized that here. Because, even those who come to love me, should have the chance to find someone better than me for them, no matter how much it hurts. Even if it's making the same mistake as I have done before. Because perhaps, of that past mistake, I'm not whole enough to make someone happy forever. So there's no way I can be selfish.
Even so, "Even though they weren't compatible, she still loved him."
Why? I don't know. I want to hug myself. I'm still unsure of my feelings.
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