I just looked at the time...

it said 7:11 and I laughed to myself.

Okay, enough non-Japan related.


So it's 7:11 and I thought about doing a quick post before I left. It looks like it'll probably rain today, although hopefully it'll hold out until I get to school. One of these days I might not be so lucky...I really gotta find a weather website for this area. I'd really like for it to hold out until I get home tonight...but there's on way that'd always happen.

It's ridiculous to think the amount of plastic trash that's built up already. Still trying to figure out if I should throw away my compostable or wait until Friday. I guess I can wait, since the bag's not full yet. And if it stinks I can always tie it up. Yup, that's good.

Didn't find the motivation to write my fanfiction this weekend. Every time I think about it for real, it ends up sounding like a stupid idea. Plus, some stories I've seen, the writers spend over a year doing just 10 chapters. No such motivation for me...

Heck, I barely had enough motivation to sew anything together. Only managed to fix my purse...

Looks like the Jolly ranchers might not be able to be saved...But I really want to use them, since I said I would...I just duno how to make them unsticky...I've tried rinsing them...but it seems to have ruined a few...haaa....

Paycheck was nice, nicer than I thought it'd be at least.

Also, on a side note and nothing japan-related, d-chan hasn't talked to me in a few days. I guess that's just as well. I did plenty to deserve it. I hate the way he always tries to talk to me, then it's like he knows he still has me hooked, so he can jerk me around however he likes. I hate it. But on a more level manner, I realized in order to force my selfish ego back down, I just have to remember all the stuff I'm guilty of doing to him. So really, then, I feel it's better this way. Maybe that's what true love is about I guess. That sad darkness in my heart makes me realize that my wish can't ever come true. I can't let it. And as much as it makes me lonely, or laugh sadly, all I have to do is leave it up to him. And then I know we'd never see each other again. It's okay if it's not like me to give up. It's still selfish. And if it hurts him, then I can't afford it. And it's not like he's done much to show he wants it either.

だから、いいんです。別に。 Yoshi. That's the attitude I have to keep.

biding my time till 4...

sounds like a typical day for me.

then it's a quick stop at home for my phone and onto errands while hoping it doesn't rain on me. also sounds like a typical day.

anyways, since there's not much to say, gotta get　more money on my phone, apparently the pre-paid plan doesn't run out as long as i can put money on it. should be fine, i'll only put on $30 though this time, since i really didn't use it much and only need it for this week till i get my stamp. also wanna stop by the yamaya so i can get more candy for the kids....although i guess i can do that tomorrow. maybe thats better, so　i can get out of the house. yup. less stress, and besides, i spent most of my day thinking about how determined i was to go home and straight to bed. at least i was nearly falling asleep in a different environment...:P

d-chan is a baka. bakabakabaka.

good news though, i can pick you up from tokyo, yay!

once i get money on my phone i can also ask for re-delivery. hopefully it'll be as easy as it was last time...it'll be nice to have that much again and while it may be considered a shitty paycheck it was far more than i was expecting. crazy how much only a few days gives you.

for some reason i keep thinking these girls are high school age. so middle school girls-into hair things and boybands. but i was happy they liked me enough to give me a picture. it was nice to bond, even just a little. maybe the child in me was happy about that too, based on my previous record of being able to try to be friendly And accepted.

that's about it. ja.

"It's been a while...."

Let me break the ice....

Haha. Just kidding. I won't torture you with Britney Spears.

Ahem.

Sorry it's been a while. I'm lazy like that. And because my life's gotten into a nice rhthym more or less, ther's not much to tell.

I get up every day, go to school, sometimes rush depending on how late I think I'll be. But I'm never actually late. Usually I'm told what classes I'll teach, but I forgot last week to request the schedule when I wasn't given it...so recently classes have been sprung upon me, though in this school that seems to tend to happen whether I recieve the schedule or not :P

Basically I wait around bored stiff- I never thought I'd be begging to have work to do, in fact I'm generally quite happy for teachers to ask me to grade stuff or prepare worksheets. Beats trying not to have my head hit the desk from the sleepiness which is boredom.

Lunch is generally the best time of day, unless they serve something bitter or slimey, which has unfortunately happened more times that I'd prefer. But I can't really complain, since the lunches　are generally better than anything I'm able to cook.

I miss pizza. And chili. Oops. Really random thoughts there. But I'll be happy when I get a real paycheck and I can buy things like fruit and bread and real ingredients. And a pan.

Anyways, back to the topic of my day. At the end of it, I watch the clock slowly tick to 4. Then I rush up to the front of the room to get my hanko signature from the V.P. I have to rush, otherwise I get stuck in the long teacher meetings, which I never understand anyways since my Japanese is more than inadquete and chances are the topics discussed have nothing to do with me anyways. So, generally if I'm lucky (unlike yesterday) I can leave before they occur.

Then it's back on my bike with a nice sense of relief and freedom. And back towards my lovely, cozy apartment for one.

I really should find a hobby.

Some good recent news, though, is that I think I found a kyuudo place hopefully nearby. If I can manage to sign up for it, that'd be amazing, and nothing short of a miracle.

Of course, so will managing to sign up for insurance and a bank account. All in Japanese of course, unless I get super lucky, though I might not...seems I might have to choose between signing up with the suggested bank or being able to talk to someone who can Speak English....

Anyways, I hope that notice comes soon...sucks that I'll have to use my day off to go to Sendai though.

Speaking of which, some other good news (I think) is that I met someone online. I know, the beginning of every horror story. But hopefully it'll turn out well, and I'll at Least get another friend. And if I have more reason to go to Sendai, perhaps I can find other part time teaching jobs as well to boost my income. That'd be nice, though I don't even know How to begin advertizing...beats me.

Yesterday's day off was nice. Although, honestly, I did become a bit restless, I didn't spend money and I wasn't exhausted at the end of the day, in fact I was able to sleep till 3 PM. Yeah, I know. Shocked me too, since I hadn't been able to do that since I got here, although granted, I did toss and turn a lot, and it was more like dozing or napping than an actual straight through sleep. But that's all.

I've also been thinking about starting up fanfiction again. I mean writing it, thanks to coming across an actually fairly decent piece yesterday (which is saying something, really). Duno if I'll have the motivation. Would be nice to get back into it, since I did enjoy it.

Also, as a random note, I can't believe I forgot my stuff today. I even remembered that I needed it, but somehow it never made it into my bag. Go figure. At least I was able to think on my feet for once.

And Japanese is killing my English grammar.

And for one last note that has nothing to do with Japan but had been the reason I couldn't fall asleep easily last night:

Boys. Kuyashii. God, somehow that's the biggest understatement of the century. Yeah...

I swear those pics will be up soon...

Ijou.

something un-japan related but needed to be said...

(to be screamed while throwing pillows)

MEN!

ばか　ばか　ばか　ばか！！！

分からない！

信じられない！。。。

Sometimes the rain isn't so bad...

Handling classes seems to have gotten a bit better too, and mostly, my biggest problem has been trying not to fall asleep during the periods in which i Don't have class. And while I do want to help the girls with the speech competition, sometimes i just wanna run around screaming nonsense. But everyone works hard, and even though it's not what i want to do for life, it's not bad right now.

I was happy i found the way to the elementary school and the yamaya. I got some treats for the kids, and I hope it'll be enough. On the one hand they might think it's lame and know I got it here. But on the other hand, everyone likes getting free candy. And I managed to get pasta and tomato sauce! The scent is something I definitely didn't even know I missed! (On the downside, I've spent way too much money this weekend, no wonder the other ALTs are poor >_<)

Got my paperwork, now I just need to make it to City Hall, and hope I didn't make the mistake on my card that I think I might've...gah...But...I'll pray to the card gods and hope it all works out. And then it's onto Sendai. And then the Real paperwork starts for getting the other stuff. I heard it's possible to get what i need the same day. That would be...unbelievably lucky.

This weekend was the "cultural festival" although it wasn't much- still what can you expect from the true mountain boonies of Japan...at least it had some good food- only i wish i had more money so i could've eaten more of that deliciousness... >_<
Plus..i suppose it was worth it to support the other ALT...and to watch him do a Japanese dance was truly priceless.

I also finally made it to City office today on my trial run. Duno why I could suddenly find it. Usually it seems I think I've missed a turn when actually I haven't gone far enough. Perhaps that's a hidden analogy for my life.

I saw a beautiful sight today that made me extra happy and at peace at being in Japan. I was riding by a stream, thinking I was lost, like I do...and didn't realize it, but I guess I was at some small natural park or something. In the river, there were giant goldfish..or I guess they were koi. But seeing the huge golden fish was amazing. And somehow...in the misty rain and the chillier weather, it was a different kind of beauty that look for. Like a quiet lullaby that we've forgotten. And I almost did feel like I could've taken a nap, despite the weather conditions. Once again, I was reminded that there are beautiful surprises along the way to our destination. I'll have to remember to pack my camera tomorrow to take some video and pictures.

And on my way home, once again, I didn't mind the misty rain and the cool weather. Riding my bike around the city to find these places is really quite an exciting adventure (provided unfortunate events don't occur). And today's experience, while would've been nice with someone special (and no matter how much I miss you), was still something I wouldn't have traded for anything. It was nice to feel peaceful like that. Even if there was a tinge of sadness or loneliness. It was nice. Something I could sleep to. Perhaps there was a hidden analogy there too.

Between chores, errands and school, all I really think about now is what needs to be done. I know I've already said it...but that event...was nice. I really felt connected with my inner self. Whatever that means.

In any case my pasta should be about done soon. Time for something relatively healthy, and back to cooking my own food (thank god?). I can't wait. :)

had some stuff i wanted to write...

...but for now i can't really remember what they are. i did remember what i did last night. and because certain ppl may be reading this, i can't exactly say...

but in any case. it def cured my curiosity..i guess. i hope that doesn't come around to fuck with me later... :(

and now that i'm feeling better, as much as i would want to hang out with everyone my body is really too tired for that. no chores today (that'll wait till later in the week or next weekend), just chill out. i'm hungry and still thirsty but that's all i'm gonna worry about. nows the time i really wish i had saltines and butter -_-

Some random things that are on my mind:
"you should break up with your high school girlfriend"
"but it's hard!!!"

WTF is THAT supposed to mean...??? and i clearly have been watching too much anime as i really feel more like saying "何言っての？！？！？！” Where are my back up flames and my scary, glowing eyes when i need them???

Okay. Time to get dressed and enjoy the rest of my sunday....

since i haven't in a while...

...and i guess there's actually some things to say this time.

I wanted to give the kids rewards, but I don't want to be like the past ALT. I mean I don't want to copy him, because I wanted the kids to like me for me. But now I think that's impossible. Even so, even if I made the fake money and gave the candy, I don't have that much. And I don't have a lot of spare money to...spare. I wonder what I should do...? :(

I tried to find the foreign food store for American candy. it should only be about 10 min from the school, and yet i somehow, like always, managed to fail in finding it. i guess there's no hope for me... :(

On a good note, that girl talked to me. The one that looks like the girl you liked, although I've been too nervous to talk to her. She's cute, but it's not like I like her of course as that would be incredibly, morally wrong, but despite the nervousness, I was incredibly relieved she talked to me. I don't know what it is about certain people, but I feel like I can sense their energy, cheerful and dark, kind and vicious, bored and passionate...I've noticed it especially since I've come here. or maybe I'm just been reminded. Am I going crazy? But I can't explain it.

I've wondered often yesterday and today...if I was a beautiful American girl with blond hair and blue eyes, tall and slender, would the students like me more? I wish I was more beautiful, even as an Asian. But with that wish, I've become uncertain, and it reminds me that I don't want to lose myself. Am I so easily eroded away?

I'm not sure if I should tell mom about this, although part of me wants to. About the smart ass kids. I'm sure it'd just be the typical mom response, although sweet, I don't want her to worry about how much it actually bothers me. Besides, I really should be able to live on my own strength. Although how little of that there really is, bothers me too...

Today went slightly better, and I begun to feel I might be able to do this after all. The students have great energy, even if there's always the smart-ass in every class(always a guy, go figure) to act like i'm the worst thing that happened to them. :/

On top of that, I also got berated for the first time by T-sensei. Sometimes during my life it's really been a big deal and whatever was my fault I really, truly should've been ashamed. But sometimes it's nothing big at all, and something I should really take just as a note for that time and that place.

But I don't take criticism well. And I easily misconstrue a remark to mean that someone just doesn't like me. And it amazes me how miserably depressed I become about it. Maybe I'm just not a people person. But that realistic despair is only all too familiar. I've simply been reminded of it.

I thought it was just S-senpai. But then it seems like it must be all teachers here. After going from class to class with T-sensei, it seems that perhaps it's true after all. Watching her handle the class, I sensed the same feigned energy. Fake. That's what I thought. Like "I don't really wanna be here, doing this, my smile is just a show, and you're just a chore." I was trying to have fun, and have the kids like me-but today it came with a price...

I don't know whether that, or the comment depressed me more. I wonder if I'll become like how I think of the Japanese teachers now (I feel like college professors were so different, and even some of my other teachers along the way), and I become more down just at the thought. I've already found out, based on the fact that I changed my answers to the kids' questions a lot, that by lying...maybe I already am.

I liked talking with the girls, but when they talked in Japanese, I felt like a true outsider again-awkward, shut out and alone. Middle school on repeat. I still don't really have any friends here and after today, even though I hoped that perhaps T-sensei might become one, maybe there isn't any hope for me there either.

I was hoping you'd be on but I suppose you're getting settled in. I've thought about the intimate relationship for a while now. After the first class, I told the children that there was someone I liked, even though I didn't have a boyfriend. Although whether there is truly someone I like or not (or even if it amounts to anything) I don't really know.

I was also told that the one speech contest, I thought was so beautifully written with such a powerful and unique idea, was actually written mostly by the teacher. I thought that wasn't okay and against the rules of the contest, but it's not really (like most other things at the school) my place to correct or speak up about, I guess.... :/ I was surprised and a little down, because I was excited thinking that the students were profound thinkers. I wonder if that's really so, now.

I guess for now, I'll enjoy my coke that I bought needlessly in order to get directions (which failed because of my lack of Japanese anyways...) and maybe put on some dinner. To be alone, is truly the most peaceful, I suppose. I am a little sad from time to time, but there is no strife, no harsh pain. It is like death in one's sleep. I wonder if living like this may be the only way I can ever actually live without hurting anyone.

After all, I don't know why. Maybe it's because I think I deserve to be unhappy. Or because I truly am cruel because I am always restless. I thought about it, and realized, that maybe even if I met the most wonderful, Japanese guy to love me with all his heart, perhaps even then I wouldn't be happy. I realized that here. Because, even those who come to love me, should have the chance to find someone better than me for them, no matter how much it hurts. Even if it's making the same mistake as I have done before. Because perhaps, of that past mistake, I'm not whole enough to make someone happy forever. So there's no way I can be selfish.

Even so, "Even though they weren't compatible, she still loved him."

Why? I don't know. I want to hug myself. I'm still unsure of my feelings.