long round this time...thanks to the earthquake

Friday, March 11

I thought it'd be just like all the other earthquakes I'd experienced so far. Kyoutou-sensei announced it as usual and the desks started to shake. I didn't pay it much mind until the room started to thrust back and forth. And Then I became fuckin terrified. I shut my laptop lid and grabbed my bag and purse off the desk and was eventually knocked to my knees off the chair. And of course, there was Kouchou-sensei with a giant grin on his face behind me. The man was nuts. I guess he was trying to be strong for us or something. That did Not help my nerves. Then suddenly he shouted to get out of the building. I didn't need to be told twice. After coughing on dust from building parts that had collapsed and watching the giant printer fall over like a wounded elephant I bolted. I only had a glimpse of the hallway as I jumped over parts of the floor that had crumpled and jutted out of the ground. I was pushed in the direction of the entrance hallway. After a quick panic that the door wouldn't open wide enough, I squeezed through what would open and dashed outside. Water was running along the ground, from what I supposed was broken pipes. I sat down near the entrance under a small tree and saw S-sensei come out leaning on U-sensei. Glad they were all right. Still panicked with adrenaline I was just glad we made it out alive. The ground still continued to sway. My leg was soaked with gray mud from tripping into the water that had been streaming around the building. My leg hurt, but I figured nothing was broken. I gripped the bag and opened it, then realized that I had along the way somewhere dropped my purse. And I was shivering. Guess I forgot my coat as well. But again, I was alive, right? Eventually we made it out to the back of the building, since at the front we were too close if the building decided to crumble. Out on the sports field I was still cold, but at least felt a bit safer. The ground continued to sway and tremble and many of the female teachers were freaking out of course. I was thrown someone's jacket to put and sat by S-sensei. And by golly, it started to snow. At least it was a light snow. Teachers who had their cellphones flipped them open only to find they couldn't call anyone of course. After about half an hour we were told we were allowed to dart back inside to grab any belongings. Eager to find my purse with the three things I found I absolutely needed: keys, phone, wallet. Yay. I made my way inside following some teachers and stepped over some cabinets and chairs. Before I made it to my desk though, I managed to fall into a broken tile in the ground that had been covered by papers. Swell. My leg hurt even more after that. But I was more worried about my purse. Throwing papers out of the way from the floor I started to panic that I wouldn't find it. All I could think was that it wasn't there. I even went out into the hallway but didn't see it. And of course, I was afraid that a new earthquake would strike while we were inside. I nearly gave up searching all over my desk and the ones beside it, until finally I crouched down low enough to see part of it sticking out from underneath a pile of papers. Snatching it up, I took a brief look for my water bottle, but it would not be found. On my way out, I realized I would need my coat and after stuttering out a mix of English and Japanese I managed to get the teacher nearby to grab it for me. After making it outside I also flipped out my phone and groaned when I saw the battery signal flashing that it was running out. But I made a quick email to j-chan to let him know that we were all right. I wondered how long it'd be before the news would get to them. Some students also walked over, saying they had been in JUSCO at the time of the earthquake. They wanted to help build the tents for the night, but the teachers told them no. I was at least slightly amused and a little annoyed at their upbeat enthusiasm despite the disaster.

We stayed there until around 4pm, when Kyoutou-sensei announced that we should all try and go home if we could. If we could, to also come back, but it'd be fine if we couldn't. I went around to the front to grab my bike, which rested in the muddy water as if hurt itself. I picked it up, full of clumps of mud and rock. My fingers were freezing, but I managed to walk it home. Taking a look at my apartment as I rounded the corner, it seemed to still be standing which gave me a sense of relief. I figured everything would be fine inside. As I opened the door, the first thing I noticed was that the microwave was on the floor and the wire had snapped. The fridge was open, though luckily nothing had spilled out. On the floor were all my spices and sad to say, my rice cooker which when I picked it up rattled to say it was broken. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about packing it...Inside everything from my shelf had been knocked onto the floor, papers, kitchen stuff and everything else. Luckily, I had sorted the papers I needed earlier and nothing on the floor was anything that I absolutely needed or was of any real value. After checking everything over, I grabbed my laptop and a few other necessities and packed them into my blue tote bag. Then I walked back to school. By then, the tent they had begun building earlier was finished. The light snow that had fallen earlier had become a blizzard. Teacher were bringing out couches from what I assumed were from kouchou-sensei's office. How nice of him. They rolled out insulated mats and started a gas-powered heater. I was offered a place on the couch next to S-sensei and we pulled a blanket over ourselves. Luckily that day, there had been extra sweets brought to the school and those were scattered on the table inside the tent. A few of the teachers had also found an emergency pack of food that was some kind of rice mixture. They offered it to me, but at that point I was more exhausted and still frightened too much to eat. But they insisted and I figured I should. I hadn't yet considered it might be hard to find food later on. The teachers also found batteries for a radio, and I suddenly felt the gravity of the situation hit. As we settled into the night, the ground continued to shake and kyoutou-sensei would announce it like that one would destroy us for sure. Eventually I dozed in and out as the teachers moved around and talked. Late into the night, I heard kyoutou-sensei mention that it was freezing and I was awoken. We were heading to sleep in the cars. What a waste of gas, which I soon realized would also be a problem. But it Was definitely better than freezing to death. I hopped into the car with T-sensei. I was still nervous as the car swayed although she reassured me that everything would be fine. I dozed, glad for the heat of the car, and laughed inside a little when it became too hot. I ran off to do my business and when I came back, I watched the sun rise from the car. Well, that had been a while. First the sky became a pale blue then a bright white-yellow. The glow silhouetted the trees and the roof of a nearby shed. A single star hung, frozen in the sky. T-sensei mentioned how happy she was to see the sun rise. It wasn't until a while later, when I too, felt the same way.

Saturday March 12
I checked my phone for messages and was happy to hear from mom and j-chan. But my batter would soon die, so I kept it off. Later that morning I was told to go back to my apartment and so I did. I organized a little and tossed things into bags and sighed at the thought of having to pay the cleaning and trash fee. Maybe I could get them to waive it, because of the earthquake- well I had no where else to throw it, because the shops I was going to give it away would be closed...so I guess it couldn't be helped. I also packed my suitcase. I cleaned up the spices as well. I helped move a few things out of the teacher's room and there was a brief meeting that let us know there would be no school Monday. There was no lunch, but we nibbled on the snack that had been brought out last night. That night I stayed with S-sensei and kyoutou-sensei and a couple other teachers in the school shed. It was certainly a bit warmer, but not as warm as they claimed, though that's for various petty reasons. That night we snacked on strawberries that a student brought from his family and various other sweets.


Sunday March 13
I woke up at 7 and went back to clean my apartment some more. Also helped clean out the teacher's room a little more. The weather had been nice for the past few days at least, during the day. It also didn't really bother me, going to bathroom outside, though luckily I hadn't eaten enough to do a number 2 yet anyways. Although such a thing, Did bother S-sensei which I found interesting. The Japanese women get embarrassed at the sound of even a number 1. I think we had ramen that night. That night, S-sensei cooked udon with various ingredients. She was good at throwing various ingredients together. I wanted to help, but only really got in the way. It was fine though, as I figured it'd be better for them to appreciate a real sensei. I was never really any good in these situations anyways.

Monday March 14
I felt a little miserable later on, but I can' t really remember why. I think it had something to do with Kouchou-sensei who we were staying with that night. But I was depressed enough to wonder if no one would even care if I just stayed in my apartment. Maybe being alone was better, even if more dangerous. Today, most of the teachers went around to start finding the students. They went via bikes and cars and searched from 10-12:30 ish. Then they came back to report to kyoutou-sensei. I helped move more things out of the teacher's room. I also played with some of the teacher's students, although while it was fun to pretend I was good at it, I was reminded that it was just pretend. I actually suck at it after all.

I also found out that I had running water and made some trips to get it from my apartment for the people there. I was glad I could to that little bit at least, as I was pretty much useless and a child in every other aspect. We stayed in the shed again, but this time I was glad, because I was given more blankets so it really was warm. On the plus side, that night we had the ramen I brought, and with the spices it was great. I started to get used to having soup two meals a day and the rice mixture at lunch. It was better than what many people were having. I also took a look at the newspaper. It showed nothing but terrible news...I also listened to the radio that night, and winced when I heard the names of the dead being announced. Most were older citizens, but a few were not more than 6 years old. Apparently, the roof of a gym had also fallen on many students at a school, and I remembered the teachers saying how grateful they were that ours had gone home just an hour earlier.

Tuesday March 15
I started to get tired of waking up at 7 am, even though we slept at 9pm. I was annoyed at Kyoutou-sensei who woke me up with a loud greeting. I guess he was trying to be nice though, bringing me coffee. Though it was too hot and bitter to drink. That day I went back to my apartment to do a quick wash, god was the water ice-cold, I thought I was gonna die. I went back to find out that everyone I was also told that day that tomorrow I should stay home and rest. For that, I was grateful. I tried doing some laundry today, but the water is so cold and nothing dries when it's this cold with no breeze. I also went home early today, because S-sensei said it was dangerous to be out when it rained, snowed or was windy out because of the nuclear plant that exploded in the next prefecture. As if the earthquakes alone weren't enough to scare the living daylights out of me.

Wednesday March 16
I spent Tuesday night, and today in my apartment. God, was it freezing. Although luckily, as if childhood was coming back to me, I realized that I made enough body heat to not freeze to death as long as I stayed under the covers. Had a weird dream about a strange life-guard interview, something about interpretating paintings that had nothing to do with the job...and about d-chan getting a job at moe burger in japan...o_o Today, all I really did was stay in bed, because it was too cold to do much else. I think I read for most of the day, thanks to S-sensei who lent me the book. I found it terribly ironic that I was reading about a terribly poor, third world country struck with famine and war, and here, I was too, afraid of another earthquake that would strike, this time, bringing down the building...though I got an email from K-san say that the fumes weren't so dangerous at this distance as to cause us any instant harm. So just long-term then, eh?..

I tried to go to the hospital to make sure I couldn't get those tests done, as I had the money thing more or less worked out. I hope the banks and trains are in working order next week when I leave...I really don't want anything else to go wrong...

I realized I'll run out of toilet paper in a few days, and possibly paper towels. Also, I'm nervous about the fact that sewage outback opened up. The level of mucky liquid is so high I'm a bit nervous about it overflowing...and so I try not to flush much. The earthquakes at night still make me nervous. I figured though it's better to hide underneath my desk than to try and run outside. If it Does become dangerous to be outside, I guess it's better to be inside....if the building collapses anyways, it's basically the same as being exposed to the outside...or something. Wish you were here...the night's are terribly long and cold...but I guess it's good you're not at risk here. I feel like an invalid here sometimes, staying in bed all day, because it's too cold to do anything else. And I have nothing to do here...I wish I had more books. The afternoon changed back and forth from a pale blue sky to a wintry gray mix. The wind is fierce, and for the first time, I felt scared of it. If I knew nothing about the modern world, I would certainly think it was the end of it. I played with the cards and the rubik's cube until it got too dark to see.

Thursday, March 17

The power came back on in the middle of the night. I was wondering about that. But the light in my closet and the one at the front snapped on. The first thing I did was turn on the heat, though it took a while to get it going. I also plugged in my phone to charge it. Internet isn't back, but I can live without it for now. This morning I woke up to find a blue sky. It's cloudy now and I think it's still snowing. All I can see is a bright white. The internet and weather seem to work on my phone now. It's supposed to be sunny tomorrow. I can't wait. I was considering going to school to check up on S-sensei and offer her my place to stay tonight if her electricity wasn't back on. But she said she'd be by later, and I don't want to risk going outside if it's dangerous now anyway. I should shower soon and cook something. The warmth from the heater is wonderful. I also charged my ipod- music seems to make things less lonely or scary. I think electricity seems to do that to my world in general. I cut out some pictures of the students from papers I had. I think if not today, then definitely tomorrow, I will go to school, get my bike and the bag of papers as well. Also, I should return that book as well. Wish I had some shows to watch on my computer. But since I re-configured my computer, I don't have those anymore. It's okay though, I'm just thankful for electricity and hope it keeps up. 10 more days to go. Seems like forever...

Was whisked away by the teachers around noon to go to lunch at a nice student's parent's place. The food was plain, but warm at least. Then I was invited to stay at S-sensei's apartment. I didn't mind it, and although there was a medium sized earthquake at her place in the evening and her house that reminded me of a tree house made me nervous, I slept better, not waking all through the night. I feel bad for imposing on her, and ever since Michelle, I've been wary about overstaying my welcome. I also have to be careful about the boundary between acquaintances/ colleagues and friends. The latter which has worked out better if I believe the other person and I aren't. I have to keep reminding myself how many friends have left me for one reason or another, and if my fault was mixed in there somewhere I don't want it to happen again. Anyways, we had a simple pasta dinner at her house after she cleaned her apartment and I read through part of Harry Potter. We showered, watched Tom and Jerry and chatted. It was very much like a home-stay. Although she says she's like my mother, I felt more like she would be my older sister as she is much too young to be my mother haha. But I am a child enough, sad to say, that maybe mother fits better heh...

Friday, March 18

Woke up around 6:30 to the sounds of her getting ready. Breakfast of rice and miso soup, SURPRISE! Lol. Then we headed off to school. I sat through a brief meeting then grabbed my bike (sad to say, my papers were locked in the club shed...though I don't want to bother anyone just to get them from me...as much as I'd like them...) and headed back home. Airing out my room currently (tho it's cold). I put on some laundry and packed my laptop along with some fresh clothes for tomorrow (and Pjs...because god forbid it happen...but hopefully it'll just go away...heeeeh...last thing I wanna do is stain her clothes- i'll have to check that...><) Internet isn't back at the apt, but electricity has remained at least. The other ALTs have left and seems like they might return within next week. I've heard now that the buses might be okay, but the trains might not...wish I could get a straight answer, but I know that's unreasonable to ask right now. Maybe I'll ask J-chan to book a willer express ticket just in case. It can't be more than 100 bucks and I'd be fine paying him back if I don't use it. After all, I have all that money I won't be spending for my trip...though I wonder how pay will be handled. I realized it is indeed pointless for me to be at school because none of the other ALTs are, so either we'll get paid for this month or we won't...So much waiting...

I figured out how to play spoons...wish I had thought of it earlier because now there's pretty much no chance I'll be able to to do it before I leave since everyone's busy.

I'm also trying not to bring too much of my personal stuff to S-sensei's house...since if for whatever reason I'm no longer staying there, I don't want to have to have more than I can carry back...and her place ain't next door that's for sure..

Tho i'll probably miss lunch at school I do have a little bit here to nibble on too. Also bringing what bit of food I have left to her place...Guess I'll get started on throwing out my fridge/freezer food at least...

List of things to do before I leave:

Here:
Wash futon sheets
Sweep room
Wash out fridge/freezer and shower/bathroom
Empty fridge
Try to give away my stuff

Before I leave Japan:
Softbank phone cancel
Bank cancel and traveler's cheques
Train/bus tickets/Narita Hotel (tho these I kinda have to wait for I guess huh...)

Fun time-wasters:
hopefully get a chance to play S-sensei's piano, not that I could play much anyways haha
rubik's cube (god help me but i'm apparently destined not to get more than one side...oh well)
write stories...haha maybe...now that I have my laptop lol.
Read her books/magazines haha
I also really wanted to try and cut out those pics of the students and the school events...but as I said, I haven't been able to get to the stack of papers yet...shoulda brought them with me when I thought of it...oh well...

that's all I can do alone I guess lol...guess next week I'll slowly clean little by little too. I like lists. I guess I'm a list-person...

Wish I could sing too...but I know how much I suck haha...it's too bad I won't get to go to karaoke one more time before I leave too...

Made ramen stir-fry tonight. A lot of it. Was pretty good. :)

Saturday, March 19

Got to sleep in late..at least relatively so. Met S-sensei's friend who was cute and nice. Then we went around town running errands, mostly which included seeing what stores were open and getting some necessities including food. Texted J-chan most of the time though, to the point where I even tripped. I've been using my phone internet a lot lately, even the expensive PC browser...my bill will be so high this month..x_x...tho I hope it stays at the $49 or whatever it was...

Had kimchi tonight. Not that kimchi we had at the restaurant though..this was cold. But spicy, so still good.

Found out after trying to buy a bus ticket that my card was declined..and soon afterwards that none of the reservations I had made had been canceled. Go figure...and That is why I don't like leaving it up to others to take care of. Luckily with internet and a laptop, I managed to get things sorted out, though it won't be in time to buy a bus ticket probably...haaa...

Asked her to do us a favor...was kinda rude she turned us down like that...but it looks like we can work around that. Certainly doesn't make me like her any more than I did that's for sure...

Sunday, March 20

Woke up kinda early again to wait in line at one of the stores nearby. Waited in line for about an hour and a half. S-sensei managed to get a good number of things, but I only walked out with two oranges haha. Been looking for a plunger for my toilet, though luckily it seems to have fixed itself. Must've been low water pressure like I figured.

Found the lyrics to the school song. Yay!...also definitely wanna ask her if I can try out the keyboard. Sadly electricity is expensive as is water...not that I really care too much, since I don't tend to run either carelessly and what's used is used.

Also talked to J-chan via google chat. Was good to talk to him for a while.

Sleepy now though for a bit...kinda wanna nap...still wish I could sing. I hope it doesn't rain though before S-sensei gets back...because I'm afraid to miss it happening and miss taking in the sheets from outside..x_x...I'm sure she wouldn't be too angry, but I'm sure she'd be a bit annoyed....

Monday, March 21

Finally, it seems I was kicked out. Shoulda seen that one coming. I guess I should've expected it, so at least I wouldn't be even a fraction of surprised. Granted, she had a reason, but I still wish she hadn't lied about her condition. If I had known I would've gone home earlier.

And go figure. I finally get home, and the internet seems like it should work. But it doesn't. So I called to the apartment company and guess what? My company apparently ended the contract yesterday so now it'll be impossible for me to access the internet at all. Thanks a lot guys...Because there's Certainly NO chance I might have had to come back here....

And yet, somehow it's indirectly my fault for staying with the teacher anyways. I hate how it's always indirectly my fault...

So now there really is nothing to do. Nothing but walk around the city (and oh, by the way it's supposed to rain, joy.) and clean...of which I can really only do so much of...

I guess I'll be lucky if the water and the electricity don't shut off me because of the ended contract. I'll be fuckin' pissed if that happens. Because basically not only would I be kicked out of the place I was staying at, but I'd have no where else to go. How the hell am I supposed to stay in Furukawa like that?...too bad I can't just say “screw it”...

And on top of that, I didn't buy any food while we were out because I, stupidly, trusted that I'd be with the teacher. We ate most of the good stuff I brought from my apartment, so now all I have left is butter, rice (which I don't really know how to cook in a pot anyways since my rice cooker broke) and pasta. So that's one thing I get to do..stand in line for hours. Again.

I was told that electricity and water would be expensive now..but I don't really care now I guess. What I use, I use, as I said before and now that I've been almost completely screwed over and still have that chance of that happening, fuck that at least. You throw me out of one place and stop basically the only entertainment of the only other place I had left to go and possibly living functions. I'll use what I want while I have it 'cause God knows when that'll disappear on me.

If the other functions stop, no more being nice. I wouldn't mind staying at a hotel or something, but damnit, I'd at least want some compensation to help me out here and I really will say “fuck it” to this situation.

Tuesday, March 22

Tried to work out more transportation and was actually quite thrilled that I managed to get a reservation for a bus. Until later, it dawned on me why I felt like leaving so early in the morning didn't settle well with me and it wasn't just because it was early. I had completely forgotten about the reason why I wanted to leave on that particular date. For the travelers' cheques. Which I am now risking an earthquake to go to Sendai to try and get it sorted out. Because my true sentiments is that it's impossible trying to get a straight answer from anyone. So, the only choice left is to go do it myself. Antsy all night, I headed to bed when it got dark as usual. Impatient as ever, having to wait and deal with frustrating people is the worst for me. The nights have become too long.

Wednesday, March 23

Been thinking lately about my keitai plan. As smart as it would be to switch to prepaid ASAP, I'm trying to push my luck by not doing it till Thursday. Just hoping no huge earthquake will occur. Because with a prepaid, I not only not have my only source of internet (for important info) but I also have a limit on calling and sending messages. Woke up at 5:30 am this morning. That's gotta be a record. Several pretty decent sized earthquakes have already occurred...not making me feel better about this trip to the big City....

Doing probably what will be my last load of wash, since the futon stuff has to have time to dry. The kyuudou ppl will come by tonight to say good-bye. Which reminded me, I really ought to go to school on Thurs (if Fri is impossible) and properly say my thanks and good-byes. As much as I hate long ones.

Hoping I can get rid of my stuff by giving it away rather than throwing it out. I'm not sure that throwing out 5 bags of clothes will fly with the trash ppl...

Might also have to give away my rice cooker.... :( we'll see though.

That's about it. Internet on the comp still doesn't work. Which reminds me, as my fb status said...I now have a long list of ppl in japan alone who probably dislike me very much, which include the S-sensei and T-sensei and my coordinator. Well...at least there's no sentiments about leaving anyone behind. I suppose it's cold of me... but I've learned once again that ppl probably really care either way if I'm here or not. I realized why it angered me when S-sensei lied about being okay. I wondered if she was just trying to look good in front of the teachers and it certainly worked. Even though I had already said thank you so many times, I was told to again. They really look out for each other. And I realized feelings I hadn't noticed before. I could never really have been considered even close to their “inner circle” of sorts. But I also realized it'd be vain of me to think I could reach that status. But I hated even more that if the case was just to look good, to make me seem like the burden. And that I was to bow and say thank you anyway. I refuse to be such and would rather be treated coldly outright. Shoulda seen it coming.

And also, the ppl from the company who say they worry so much, esp my coordinator, don't really seem to care how I'm doing. Only if I'm dead or not. But that figures as well. That's the other thing I won't miss besides the earthquakes. The superficial can't show your real feelings ppl around here.

In any case here goes. Hoping I can find another way to get to Tokyo/Narita and that the travelers' cheques work out. I decided that I might have to give up my last paycheck to walk away with what I've managed to save....sad...but...maybe there's no other way.

After walking around all day, I managed to get some answers from the bank as well as book a new bus ticket that might let me get the bank stuff done!

Met with the kyuudou ppl and took some pics. Gave them my address, though since its my home one, I doubt I'll receive their letters heh....

Thursday, March 24

Went to school early to meet with the teachers and say my good-byes. Had to give a short speech in Japanese...ack...was so nervous...but then I went, just like that. I felt like most of them didn't really care either way. But that made good-bye easier for me at least.

(Thank goodness, too I was able to get the papers- tho not many pics came from it. Also returned the cards.)

Spent the rest of the day running errands. Cancelled my phone account and got prepaid, after having more language fails (Lame I still haven't gotten good at Japanese ><) and $250 later. Also ran to the bank to draw out more money.

Then went around taking pics of the elementary schools and the fish at that place near City Hall. Also visited the the shop, and bought loads of candy (spent way too much...heeeeh...)

Haven't eaten more than one meal a day recently..and been running around on my bike...too bad I can't lose weight this way haha.

Spent the rest of the day cleaning. Met up with the other ALT and gave away some stuff. Also gave more stuff away at school and yet more stuff to a T-chan. Good thing I only had to throw away some things. Sad, though, I feel so bad throwing out things that can still be used, like the kitchen stuff and clothes...when there are ppl who could use them.... ><

Friday, March 25th

Woke up at 3 AM, swept, rolled up my futon stuff, and took a last wipe through my apartment floor. Checked everything and took pics for records. Then headed out just as the dawn light came through. As I walked, I did say good-bye to everything, and I felt like it was de-ja-vu...though I couldn’t' remember where from.

I think I almost felt compelled to cry. Almost...

Boarded the bus at 6 am and rode to the big City. It was so cold this morning!

Amusingly enough, some ppl asked me directions. Guess the Japanese really Can't tell the difference between Asians lol.

I walked the routes from the bank to the bus stop.

Adrenaline rushing through me I managed to get the cheques and my bank account closed! Was so happy about the success. And even made it to the bus with a few minutes to spare!

Got a note from M-chan...reminded me that it was really too bad we couldn't meet up...funny tho, Y-kun never messaged me back after the one I sent out...but I guess that makes that one less good-bye too...

Said good-bye to the city and took some video as we left...ah those country rice fields...lol.

In any case, from the bus to Tokyo station I wandered, lost as usual, and it is a total lie that the Japanese at every major station speak English. That is all. XP

Luckily enough though, I got some help from some Japanese people who could speak English. Lucky!

Took the airport limousine to the airport. Bought a bag and with a bit of looking like an idiot, booked a hotel ticket.

Waited for the bus, and had a spongebob bus moment, where I was told the next bus came in 3 minutes...(aaaand there it goes, I thought...)

Managed to somehow catch the next bus, by chance though and made it to the hotel.

And with my luck wandered back and forth through the lobby trying to figure out where my room was...

Managed to find it, repacked both suitcases. Wish I could buy more stuff...but I really wanna save it as a present..shhhh... :) Also, can't really fit more stuff anyways...as much as I really wanted some cool clothes...We'll see what I can fit I guess haha....

Anyways. Guess that's it. Latest i've stayed up recently, since my schedule has generally been, sleep at 8pm wake up at 6 am for various reasons.

Oh, recent aftershock today..and what a shock it was...pretty scary too up here on the 10th floor... ><

Got some omiyage. Really considering the giant pocky...but....really shouldn't for lack of space...and I wanna see if there might be anything else at the airport tomorrow...

Drinking warm water..used to hate it...think it's because of all the tea i've had lately...-_-'

Maybe one more post before I leave tomorrow...we'll see if I manage to sleep in. Lol.

Ps. fucked up dreams the other nights...heeeeh....the subconscious is truly a twisted thing...

i've been really bad at this...

but i guess lots of things dont turn out how i wish they would...even if it's mostly my fault. i wrote this by hand at first, so i'll just copy for now...

as for japan itself, there's only 2 full weeks left. i'll try to take pictures. but there's a scramble to get things done before i leave. and the list will only get longer... -_-'

sorry that it's been a while. it's only a month now till my time here is over and I've only written a fraction of what i hoped to write. go figure..recent happenings have luckily been not much. i guess we'll just go with what pops up.

first, i must be fighting off getting sick as my throats dry even when i drink water and recently upon waking it's been sore, though generally gets better by the time i leave for work. maybe it's dehydration after all...who knows...been thinking about cough drops but mostly i've been doing tea.. well sort of. and sleeping tons, even to the point of skipping meals (bad me..) -_-'

still haven't managed to get the medical stuff done, but that's mostly forgetting when i have the chance and being lazy because it's cold out and far away...and requires struggling with using japanese....tho i know i should do it here cause itd be far cheaper than in america...

and just when i thought the weather was getting better it snowed. not much, but still..x_x where the beautiful march weather?

i really have been down on enthusiasm and energy and its probably a vicious cycle....but its not like i'm terribly depressed all the time at least.

this weekend will be my final kyuudou competition and i just hope i dont get embarrassed like last time...

i found out that some foods have to be eaten right away. like strawberries. and bread (once it's opened).

weird dreams lately, but that's rather normal actually...and nothing too outrageous at least. the normal fantasy creatures and battling tension with persona relationships...

as for leaving, i did decide it, even if it was for the wrong reasons. def can't change my mind now...my only regrets are the stuff i could've seen, the festivals and school events...which are apparently all better than the ones that happened during my semesters..go figure about that too. x_x..

but all that aside, there wasn't much for me here. i gotta wake up from the dream that's starting to fade anyway. i learned again that personal relationships i try to make end up being weak. it really is better for me to not fall in love...even just as friends. so while i might be leaving ppl behind, i'm not choked up or anything. and even if the city did change, it's not like my inability to maintain friends would...or actually gain a meaningful relationship. maybe one day, if i have nothing left in the states, i'll come back. back to where this dream left off.

i recently watched AIR. Definitely one of the saddest, if not THE saddest moments in anime I've seen yet. Up till then it'd been the ending scene in Chrono Crusade. But this def took it's place. The girl, who has an uncontrollable crying attack every time she's about to make friends with someone is left behind.

"I was all alone until now. It'll be the same starting tomorrow. In the end, even
if i try my best, i just cause other people trouble, and nothing good ever happens.
i should have just kept on given up like before...without loving anyone.

i'll go to sleep. i don't care if i never wake up. "

i don't like sentimental anime. but this really touched me...loneliness is a big theme in a lot of anime...but this one really hit me. crying, kicking things and hitting things...i've been there. loneliness does can do that to you i guess...

i still want to try to do my best to get things resolved...but even if somehow it worked out the way i wish it would..i realized i'd have to choose. between being a good person i can respect....and chasing after my own happiness. and that..i dont think i could choose...

"the person you love...their happiness is supposed to be more important than yours right?...and when they leave, you just have to bear it...."

even the two reasons why i decided to go back...even they don't have a good chance of working out...i'm sure there will be lots of feelings of emptiness, pain, sadness, loneliness and crying ahead. i don't understand either of you...both of you are on a diff path than me...and while those paths may run side by side for a little while, i can see where they'd part...

why am i doing this again?..

wouldn't it be nice...if i could float in a dream of summer for the rest of my life..? somehow, i wouldn't mind if i disappeared...i'm tired, and i know it's selfish...but...maybe that's just who i am.

i realized maybe i'm not cut out for personal relationships. there really isn't one good thing about me after all...so maybe it's good i can't seem to make and keep friends...

i thought about singing...even if i did learn the guitar...maybe i'd just be playing for myself..and while that might not be a bad thing, i can't help but think it might be covered in loneliness, even if what i make is something beautiful.

it's only now that i see i should've stayed...but i can always come back...i can always fall asleep into the blissful, selfish ignorance of my dreams...

and maybe...in order to start a fresh dream...i Have to feel truly alone...

maybe one can't truly obtain freedom and happiness. because happiness is only fleeting. and maybe true freedom is a lonely place to be...