"I wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows she's needy
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough"
I really don't know what to do anymore...so many reasons to stay, so many to go back. But to go back, only one reason that makes me want to go back of my own will. And that was to see you. Because I saw fun times ahead of us...
But if it means being stuck again, and at least for 2 months it seems that way, i can't do it. I know it's selfish, i know it's wrong...but i can't do it.
I recently had several dreams all about not wanting to go home...though they're dreams they're based on my experiences...and that stress is very real. I'm scared and that fear is like a fight for survival. And I don't want it to happen at any cost.
I want to continue to be able to live on my own. I want to continue being able to be selfish...even though such a choice would cost me a lot..and not just in money...
I wanted to see where I could stand on my own strength. Maybe it's not completely on my own strength, but in many ways it is. Despite the job ticks, a few mishaps and the general loneliness, I've actually relatively enjoyed my life here. It's peaceful, I can be myself, I'm able to live quite comfortably...and most importantly I have this freedom.
On my own strength...
There's no one to talk to now. The decision has to be made by me.
Battling it out here seems like a better option than doing it back at home...
But if i were to give up everything, for selfish freedom...if i were to sell my heart just to live in peace a little longer...would it be worth it?
Is it so wrong...to want to be able to hold onto this little bit of peace I've found?
I want to say I have no regrets...I want to reach up towards the bright blue sky, despite my tears, and say I don't mind anymore...not to have friends or a lover...to give up dreams and adventure...I don't mind being tired...I don't mind not having energy...I just want this peace...
I don't know how you feel about me...but...
I miss you.
You'd think I'd be use to having my life or at least bits of it be crumbling apart..not being able to find my way...
But I don't want to go home...I don't want to be back to where i was at 17...in my dark corner, wondering if I'd live to see another day...
I'm sorry...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
running out of steam for life...
i swear this rant about my mind will come into play later.
sometimes i think that if i could be re-born, i'd like to be born without feelings. because i show my feelings too much. for whatever reason, it's so hard to hide. mostly when i'm angry or sad or just generally upset. sometimes it's all i can do to not cry or scream, and yet it still shows on my face...i think it's why i tend to like the female characters who are always calmly composed. the ones who don't show their feelings easy and who just flow through life, sometimes bored, sometimes amused, often sad, but never making a big deal out of being alone. sometimes, i think, instead of wanting to burst into tears, i'd rather simply think "people are hard to understand" and leave it at that. i suppose i have become the kind of person who'd rather not feel anything at all...
as to how this relates, i've been thinking, as usual a lot about what to do about deciding if i should stay in japan or go back. i feel like i want to try again and do better because i have another chance here. but...i also realize i'm not really cut out for this job at all...another issue that came up was that, if i go back and it doesn't work out then i won't have another option. but if i stay, i can always go back..as much as a recommendation letter would be nice, it's not like it'd help me get a really great job anyways...
i almost quit kyuudou today. there was a competition, and i was already not feeling great, tired, and a bit dizzy. on top of that there was a style tweak to shooting that i didn't know about until the competition started...ps. i forgot how much the sitting style hurts my feet...haaaa..
but...what really got me was that i messed up. a lot...not only did i drop two arrows, but i made several mistakes in the walking and sitting. and whether or not they were actually laughing at me, it certainly felt like they were...and where i wanted to think "people are hard to understand" but instead actually wanted to cry, was between hearing them laugh while i was making the mistakes, and them offering me food and drink...
i dont get people. i don't get how they can laugh at you one minute, and be kind to you the next. but i guess that's how they are.
to top it off, the doctor guy who's against fluoridating the water (a diff topic in itself), came to take pictures of my teeth. so as if i wasn't already humiliated enough, i got my mouth stretched out so he could take pictures. but luckily at that point, i wasn't even really angry anymore...just tired from fighting my anger...
but for a while all i could think about was how i wanted to go home. i didn't care that i wasn't shooting correctly and that i was tense. of course i was tense...and being in the japanese society, i couldn't say something was bothering me. only smile and say "nope, nothing's wrong."
i wish, someday i could become someone who doesn't show her feelings so easily. or someone who doesn't feel at all...
i didn't cry, though i came close. i hit the target twice at least, and thanks to that i didn't come in last. and...the guy ended up taking a video and pics of me shooting, though i didn't realize it so i'm sure i had bad form and looked horrible..but it was a nice gesture from him at at least...
i won't be able to perform one song i really wanted too because y-chan can't find the guitar music...though i don't know why he doesn't just play by ear..that's how i've always "learned" songs. i wonder if i'm cut out for this too, since i'm terrible in front of an audience, and on top of that i'll have to talk in japanese...and as lame as it is, tap a tambourine while singing...(eek really...?.... -_-)
i tried exercising a little by dancing, but yappari, it's impossible since i can't play music from my laptop without "disturbing the fucking "wa"...sometimes i feel like to kill my loneliness or depression to just run myself ragged...but i know that doesn't work. i prefer being lazy and sleeping in my free time...though that doesn't really work either...i'd been trying to be careful about what i eat too..but i guess in the end, i'll just be fat either way. -_-'
i haven't really been talking much to either of you. one, because u never get up early enough, for this or that a reason...and two, because well..u seem to have a habit of talking to my plenty after i dont talk to u for a lengthy period of time, and then going back to ur original self of basically ignoring me or saying nothing but "mmhm" "okay" or "yeah"...i guess it shouldn't really bother me as you both have, as you should, your own lives to live. it'd b selfish and childish to feel lonely because of that. i hate that stupid desire to say "why aren't you paying attention to me?" -_-'....
to interject with a random thought, i recently am watching an anime about a young woman who turns into a child and a child who turns into a young woman. if that happened to me, turning back into a child, i suppose it'd be difficult figuring out a way to survive and live. but on the plus side, i think i wouldn't really mind it. to be carefree once again and not worry too much about "adult" problems...maybe i'd try and make it to an empty beach or unpopulated mountain. well, at least get as far as i can anyways...it was suggested that one might lose one's sense of identity, which is scary i suppose...but at this point it's not really something that's important to me...or something...
valentine's day. coming soon...i kinda wanted to get y-chan something, but it can't be chocolate as i dont want him getting the wrong idea...i'd kinda been thinking about love and serious relationships a little...but i guess i'm giving up for the foreseeable future. yes, life might be fun with someone beside it, but i don't want to be someone who needs it anymore...
"If I keep on staying around you, I'll just come to rely on you again. Then before I know it, I won't be able to do anything without you. I love you. You're my best friend. But I hate the me who depends on you. I hate the me who has to rely on you. That's why I won't chase you around anymore. I'm going to do my best to become someone who doesn't have to rely on you. But...you have to become someone I can be even more proud of. And...no matter how far apart we are, we'll still be best friends."
It would be nice if i could be that strong but...in reality i'm most true to myself when i'm being emotional..somehow, even though that makes me weak..but for now, i really have no other reaction to knowing that than to sigh...and say...i guess i don't care anymore...
i guess that's it...to sum it up: i'm running of out steam. for life...
sometimes i think that if i could be re-born, i'd like to be born without feelings. because i show my feelings too much. for whatever reason, it's so hard to hide. mostly when i'm angry or sad or just generally upset. sometimes it's all i can do to not cry or scream, and yet it still shows on my face...i think it's why i tend to like the female characters who are always calmly composed. the ones who don't show their feelings easy and who just flow through life, sometimes bored, sometimes amused, often sad, but never making a big deal out of being alone. sometimes, i think, instead of wanting to burst into tears, i'd rather simply think "people are hard to understand" and leave it at that. i suppose i have become the kind of person who'd rather not feel anything at all...
as to how this relates, i've been thinking, as usual a lot about what to do about deciding if i should stay in japan or go back. i feel like i want to try again and do better because i have another chance here. but...i also realize i'm not really cut out for this job at all...another issue that came up was that, if i go back and it doesn't work out then i won't have another option. but if i stay, i can always go back..as much as a recommendation letter would be nice, it's not like it'd help me get a really great job anyways...
i almost quit kyuudou today. there was a competition, and i was already not feeling great, tired, and a bit dizzy. on top of that there was a style tweak to shooting that i didn't know about until the competition started...ps. i forgot how much the sitting style hurts my feet...haaaa..
but...what really got me was that i messed up. a lot...not only did i drop two arrows, but i made several mistakes in the walking and sitting. and whether or not they were actually laughing at me, it certainly felt like they were...and where i wanted to think "people are hard to understand" but instead actually wanted to cry, was between hearing them laugh while i was making the mistakes, and them offering me food and drink...
i dont get people. i don't get how they can laugh at you one minute, and be kind to you the next. but i guess that's how they are.
to top it off, the doctor guy who's against fluoridating the water (a diff topic in itself), came to take pictures of my teeth. so as if i wasn't already humiliated enough, i got my mouth stretched out so he could take pictures. but luckily at that point, i wasn't even really angry anymore...just tired from fighting my anger...
but for a while all i could think about was how i wanted to go home. i didn't care that i wasn't shooting correctly and that i was tense. of course i was tense...and being in the japanese society, i couldn't say something was bothering me. only smile and say "nope, nothing's wrong."
i wish, someday i could become someone who doesn't show her feelings so easily. or someone who doesn't feel at all...
i didn't cry, though i came close. i hit the target twice at least, and thanks to that i didn't come in last. and...the guy ended up taking a video and pics of me shooting, though i didn't realize it so i'm sure i had bad form and looked horrible..but it was a nice gesture from him at at least...
i won't be able to perform one song i really wanted too because y-chan can't find the guitar music...though i don't know why he doesn't just play by ear..that's how i've always "learned" songs. i wonder if i'm cut out for this too, since i'm terrible in front of an audience, and on top of that i'll have to talk in japanese...and as lame as it is, tap a tambourine while singing...(eek really...?.... -_-)
i tried exercising a little by dancing, but yappari, it's impossible since i can't play music from my laptop without "disturbing the fucking "wa"...sometimes i feel like to kill my loneliness or depression to just run myself ragged...but i know that doesn't work. i prefer being lazy and sleeping in my free time...though that doesn't really work either...i'd been trying to be careful about what i eat too..but i guess in the end, i'll just be fat either way. -_-'
i haven't really been talking much to either of you. one, because u never get up early enough, for this or that a reason...and two, because well..u seem to have a habit of talking to my plenty after i dont talk to u for a lengthy period of time, and then going back to ur original self of basically ignoring me or saying nothing but "mmhm" "okay" or "yeah"...i guess it shouldn't really bother me as you both have, as you should, your own lives to live. it'd b selfish and childish to feel lonely because of that. i hate that stupid desire to say "why aren't you paying attention to me?" -_-'....
to interject with a random thought, i recently am watching an anime about a young woman who turns into a child and a child who turns into a young woman. if that happened to me, turning back into a child, i suppose it'd be difficult figuring out a way to survive and live. but on the plus side, i think i wouldn't really mind it. to be carefree once again and not worry too much about "adult" problems...maybe i'd try and make it to an empty beach or unpopulated mountain. well, at least get as far as i can anyways...it was suggested that one might lose one's sense of identity, which is scary i suppose...but at this point it's not really something that's important to me...or something...
valentine's day. coming soon...i kinda wanted to get y-chan something, but it can't be chocolate as i dont want him getting the wrong idea...i'd kinda been thinking about love and serious relationships a little...but i guess i'm giving up for the foreseeable future. yes, life might be fun with someone beside it, but i don't want to be someone who needs it anymore...
"If I keep on staying around you, I'll just come to rely on you again. Then before I know it, I won't be able to do anything without you. I love you. You're my best friend. But I hate the me who depends on you. I hate the me who has to rely on you. That's why I won't chase you around anymore. I'm going to do my best to become someone who doesn't have to rely on you. But...you have to become someone I can be even more proud of. And...no matter how far apart we are, we'll still be best friends."
It would be nice if i could be that strong but...in reality i'm most true to myself when i'm being emotional..somehow, even though that makes me weak..but for now, i really have no other reaction to knowing that than to sigh...and say...i guess i don't care anymore...
i guess that's it...to sum it up: i'm running of out steam. for life...
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