at first, i thought it might be interesting if i didn't write an ending post to this blog.
but i should. there should be some kind of closure. so that at least one chapter in my life can have been recorded. A total of 40 posts and 6 months. There were many things I never did. Many dreams I couldn't complete. Many people I never saw. Many things I wanted...but never obtained.
there's a lot of things i wanted to say. lots of notes i wrote down about bits and pieces of things i remembered from my time in japan. but maybe there's something interesting about keeping them lost and unrecorded. as sometimes memories are. because thinking about them now...the kind of sparks of happiness are no longer there.
this is it. like many other installments of my life, that time has now become something of a dream. and i do dream. haunting, nonsensical, broken and empty. those are my feelings. that town will go on, as it should, as if i was never there. no one will care that i left, and i in return, will probably never talk to those people or see them again.
And that'll be that.
so here i am. at the next stage of my life. desperately trying to stay afloat on the wisps of temporary happiness i've managed to catch. living on the rollercoaster ups and downs of my conscious and unconscious mind and emotions.
i realized being close to someone is suffocating. but one experience after another, one relationship after another reminds me i'm just too clumsy for it to work out. i'm no good at being attached to anything. so all i can do is numbly skim above the loneliness.
so i'll float on in this small pocket of the world, until something in reality jolts me awake. i'll float on. trying not to think about what i'm doing with my life. trying not to think about the whys. trying not to think if it was worth it or not. If I've become a better person. Or if I've been able to "improve" myself.
but if there was one thing i learned from this experience it is what i've known all along. the only feelings i can stay connected to are my feelings of love for freedom.
but to the people i met. to the places i saw. to the train which carries my dreams of my past that make up my memories. With tears that fill me from the bottom of my heart, I give one final bow.
ありがとう and さよなら。
